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Codependency- I think I've realised what's wrong with me


Long Gone
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Hi guys!

 

Not been on here for a bit.

I still struggle with the end of a relationship that was only two months long, (ended 28/12/17). Bad timing, not long after my Dad's (Grandfather) death, and ultimately I knew she wasn't right for me. However, I still mourn her.....after no contact in all that time. Some days I hardly think about her, and then recently it's been relentless.

 

It was after googling why I still mourned a relationship, that codependency came up.....and I tick all the boxes. Low self esteem, terrified she was going to end the relationship because the thought of being single was so much worse. Determined to stick with the relationship as the alternative didn't bear thinking about. Also seeing she was vulnerable and had been hurt, and wanting to make her better.

 

I mentioned my Dad/Grandad's death (I was his carer for three years before he died). I was brought up by my Grandparents, although my biological Mother was a part of my life. My mother is incredibly selfish, and uses me (she's in an unhappy marriage and uses visits to me as an excuse to see the man she's having an affair with). She has never been there for me, and ultimately that continues to this day. My true parents who brought me up (my grandparents) are now gone, and my mother is my only family. I live alone, and if I'm honest.....the only family feel I have, is my Border Collie.

 

I broke into tears reading all of this, because it sums me up. I feel desperate to be loved and to be held by someone who truly cares for me, but I know I need to love myself. I've battled my weight putting on for stone in a year. I've lost nearly a stone of that in the last two weeks.

 

So now I'm trying to find a way forward. I've ordered a couple of books, one being 'Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You' which I'm looking forward to arriving.

 

I hate living like this, I can't keep thinking back to someone who is long gone, who I'll never see again who was never right for me.

 

Thanks for listening.

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There is also a group called Codependents Anonymous (CODA) that has meetings. I've attended. Of course the meetings are most likely virtual right now but they can be of tremendous help.

 

Thanks for that. I've just had a google and I'm going to try and join up.

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I am so sorry. For the loss of your dad and that relationship. Grief also has an effect long after a person's passing. Are you open to grief counselling? It may help in tandem with the codependent support meetings. Or help with encouraging more independence, increase self-confidence a little and accepting loss, moving past it and really accepting that life moves forward and how you can continue living beyond the life of the ones you have lost.

 

I hope you find peace and some support soon.

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Also, don't discount the fact that your grief could be a bigger influence than you think - sure you could be codependent - but i think the grief is more what's driving it. its two losses at once -- no matter that the loss of her was smaller - and also, you mourn the idea of what the relationship could have been if your dad didn't pass.

 

I would focus on self care especially if you cared for his physical needs. -- whatever it takes -- permission to sleep in, nature walks, talking it over with friends or counseling...

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Also, don't discount the fact that your grief could be a bigger influence than you think - sure you could be codependent - but i think the grief is more what's driving it. its two losses at once -- no matter that the loss of her was smaller - and also, you mourn the idea of what the relationship could have been if your dad didn't pass.

 

I would focus on self care especially if you cared for his physical needs. -- whatever it takes -- permission to sleep in, nature walks, talking it over with friends or counseling...

 

Thanks for the post.

 

I see a pattern though when I like someone, they become the centre of my world and nothing else matters. I agree the grief is all interwind in all this. I lack confidence, always have (generally being overweight) I've lost nearly a stone since the Doctor's are adjusting my medication which is great.

 

I throw myself into my hobbies which generally makes me feel better, and pushes the emptiness away. Sometimes it isn't enough and that emptiness and feelings of just wanting to be held by someone become too much.

 

I'm having an online counselling session on Thursday which I'm hoping can help.

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You're doing great. This covid thing is making everyone question a lot of things about life, themselves their relationships. Keep up the good work.

I've lost nearly a stone since the Doctor's are adjusting my medication which is great.

 

I throw myself into my hobbies which generally makes me feel better, and pushes the emptiness away. Sometimes it isn't enough and that emptiness and feelings of just wanting to be held by someone become too much.

 

I'm having an online counselling session on Thursday which I'm hoping can help.

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You're doing great. This covid thing is making everyone question a lot of things about life, themselves their relationships. Keep up the good work.

 

Thanks Wiseman, it's not been easy these past few months. I know though this all fits into a bigger issue, that I need help with. I've just not moved on in the last three years, and to some extent I don't know who I am.

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That's true. Although I think it's great that you're looking into codependency. Also check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I read that a while back and thought it was great.

 

Thanks Jibralta, I'll check that out. I've made a start on the Darlene Lancer book and I'm finding it very useful. The sense of shame about myself I really relate to, and the idea I need someone else to make me happy. I've tried to break free from this, but have found I end up just thinking back to my (very short term) ex.

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The codependency book is really opening my eyes on how debilitating shame is.

 

In an ideal world (and I genuinely hope one day) I could approach someone in a pub/bar and gett chatting to them. For so long I've blamed my weight on this, but ultimately even when I was 20 and at my slimmest, I doubt I would have had the confidence to do this. I'm really determined to alter my mind set, and when I hopefully do meet someone, I can just be me...and retain my own persona, without becoming so obsessed with that someone that I become lost.

 

Apologies, I'm rambling. Just thinking out loud......but feeling a lot more positive.

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It's easy to fall into the trap of using your weight as a crutch or an excuse. You avoid approaching women and tell yourself it's because of your weight, and that way you can avoid getting rejected or hurt. But that also means you won't find a meaningful relationship. You may think you want one yet you're doing all you can to not make that happen. Your fear is overriding your desire for a relationship. Like the band Yes said in the 1980's, "Owner of a lonely heart, much better than owner of a broken heart." But you miss out on so much.

 

I think it's terrific you are taking steps to get yourself into a good mindset and that you are working on becoming more physically healthy. Good for you!

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It's easy to fall into the trap of using your weight as a crutch or an excuse. You avoid approaching women and tell yourself it's because of your weight, and that way you can avoid getting rejected or hurt. But that also means you won't find a meaningful relationship. You may think you want one yet you're doing all you can to not make that happen. Your fear is overriding your desire for a relationship. Like the band Yes said in the 1980's, "Owner of a lonely heart, much better than owner of a broken heart." But you miss out on so much.

 

I think it's terrific you are taking steps to get yourself into a good mindset and that you are working on becoming more physically healthy. Good for you!

 

Thanks 'boltnrun', and you are absolutely right.

 

I've always struggled talking to girls, since my early teens. The fear of rejection being the main issue, plus confidence.

My terrible terrible method wasn't to try and talk to a girl. I use to tell my friends, who would tell her friends and in turn tell her. I'd then just be really embarrassed and hope she'd talk to me. As I say, awful method.....and of course, it never worked.

 

I think the big fear of rejection goes back to when I was around 13/14 years old. There was this girl called Claire, who I thought was adorable and she knew I really liked her. I was with my friends and she was with hers and on this day she came over.

 

'Ask me out Tom'

 

'You'll only say no Claire'

 

'No no, ask me out'

 

'Will you go out with me?'

 

'Only if you were Leondardo DiCaprio....haha'

 

I smile now, but god that was humiliating, and probably has added to the fear of rejection. Funny how things effect you.

 

You are absolutely right though, fear of rejection has ruled me for far too long. I know I need to be careful, as I've felt so rough these past few weeks, but for the first time I'm starting to feel more confident. I don't want to keep living like this, I want to feel a sense of worth....and why shouldn't I go and talk to that women in the bar with her friends? :D

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Dalesboy, if that had happened to me at 13 I think I'd still be hurting and scared to get close to a woman almost 25 years later. That you can smile about that impresses me. I think you have a good attitude and a good head on your shoulders. Any girl would be lucky to get to know you.

 

Go out there and blow the ladies away. Leo who?:D

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Dalesboy, if that had happened to me at 13 I think I'd still be hurting and scared to get close to a woman almost 25 years later. That you can smile about that impresses me. I think you have a good attitude and a good head on your shoulders. Any girl would be lucky to get to know you.

 

Go out there and blow the ladies away. Leo who?:D

 

Haha, it's so long ago now, but it's certainly had a negative effect on me.

For the first time, I'm honestly looking forward and dare I say it, I'd like to meet people.

 

Long way to go, but at nearly 35 now is the time to sort myself out otherwise life is going to pass me by. I can't let insecurities and low self esteem rule my life which they have for the past 20 years.

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Sigh.... I've felt so positive these past few days, when something happens this evening.

 

I mentioned earlier on about my biological mother. She uses me to cover for her affair (she's in a verbally abusive marriage). She was never there for me growing up, and continues to be a let down to me in adult life, I often feel I am the parent in the relationship. There was a massive fall out in my family between my Uncle and my mother just after my Grandfather died three years ago. A year last April my Uncle took his own life.

 

It's been eating my mother up not knowing exactly the events that led to my uncle's death and she has blamed his wife. Tonight my mother (who was drunk) informs me over the phone she sent an email to the boss of my uncle's wife calling her essentially accusing her of the death of my uncle. It was so strongly worded I could see the police being involve. What an awful thing she's done.

 

I'm determined to not let this knock my mental health. I've my next counselling session on Tuesday which will be good.

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This is a common dynamic in codependent relationships. Would probably be a good idea to speak with your therapist about it... or have you already done so?

 

I mentioned codependency last week in my consultation session, but not in the context of my mother.

She rang me earlier, and can't really see she's done anything wrong.

 

I know what I wanted to say, but it's difficult when she is my only family left. She has still crossed a line with me, and although I may smile.....family wise, it's just me now.

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If I were you, I would discuss this issue in detail with my therapist. You'll be opening a can of worms, but that's what therapy is for. You have to dig into these things to get a benefit out of it.

 

Yes definitely. What I'm trying to avoid is to start actively trying to find someone to date, to run away from what family I have left. I did that last time and ultimately was happy to settle for someone unsuitable for me.

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I often feel I am the parent in the relationship.

 

That's how I often feel with my parents. Although my mother has been there for me, I often feel like I have to get her to take care of herself. My issues were more with my (now deceased) father. But it's amazing how our relationships with our parents can shape our relationships with everyone else, even years later.

 

Talk it over in counselling and try to not let it get you down. You're not responsible for your mother's behavior. Keep focusing on yourself and moving forward. You're doing great.

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