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I have read this forum and the advice seems fantastic.

 

So where to begin, i was with my ex nearly 2 years, we fell in love straight away, moved in after 3 months but 2 years down the line a lot of different stress in the relationship caused the break up.

 

She was always sure we were going to get back together and we were texting after the break up, then we had a falling out and i said i wanted nothing to do with her anymore and she got really hurt.

 

Fast forward another month and we are back texting everyday and all I want is to get back with her, but she doesn't want to talk to me on the phone as she says it will be too emotional and is still hurt from what I said previously but is happy to text everyday, tbh I don't know where I stand or what to do and its consuming my life, do I just say contact me when you want to talk on the phone or do I keep texting, now what if she is texting and then is just going to move on, im so confused, hope this makes sense!

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We need some background information.

 

Why did you two break up, and who initiated it? How long ago?

 

What was the falling-out about?

 

I am not sure why she's reluctant to speak on the phone when she's texting all the time anyway, but I would not volunteer yourself to be her text buddy. So yes, I would let her know that you're open to speaking on the phone but will otherwise need to cease contact so you can heal. My guess is that she doesn't want to get back together and is thus avoiding having that conversation with you by dodging a phone call, but is happy to have your digital company. You can see why this isn't a good idea for you.

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The break up was around 2 months ago, it was both our faults really, i wasn't showing her the love she needed and she was very insecure and we were stuck in a vicious circle, i also very stressed as i lost my job around the same time and this didn't help the relationship. We had a special bond and still do and I think this is why neither of us have let go fully.

 

The falling out was just me and my emotions been all over the place and i wasnt very nice and very much regret it, she said to me the other day she wasn't going to talk to me ever again after it but loves talking to me and I am very special to her and she also misses me but then when i approach the phone call she said she not ready as hearing my voice will be too emotional so im not sure what the next step is here.

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I'm sorry. This sucks. I don't know her motivation to keep you texting but not talking on the phone, not willing to forgive but saying you're special etc.

 

However, I don't think it's in your or the relationship's best interests. Sometimes the ego boost people get from being mad or the victim, takes over.

 

When relationships have conflict there does need to be forgiveness and a move forward in order for it to survive.

 

It could be immaturity on her part. Age is not always maturity. Some people never grow up. they like drama, being a victim, making others jump through hoops.

 

It could also be she's not a good partner. When times are good, it's easy and everyone is great. It's when times get tough you see who and what a person is.

 

All people have flaws. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. its not right for her to hold this over you, especially if you've tried to make amends.

 

It comes down to this... she either forgives and you do, too and move on together or you let go.

 

if I were you. I would send her a message (since she won't talk to you) and put it on the line. in your own words, that you hope she will forgive you and want to be together. If she comes to that conclusion to give you a call. Otherwise the healthiest thing for both of you is to stop the texting.

 

Then stop texting her. If she texts you stick to your guns. Keep telling her if she is not asking you to come back to stop texting.

 

You must cut off feeding into her ego or whatever she is getting out of this.

 

Have faith in yourself and your journey. maybe this isn't the person for you. but you gotta let go to find out.

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She moved in. Did she fully move out? Or did you? Are you both living separately? I'm curious if there are any other logistics or ties holding you together or preventing that loss of communication. Maybe afraid to lose touch because you both haven't tied up loose ends?

 

You lost your job - how are you supporting yourself? Do you have friends/family to help? Is she working?

 

Saying you want nothing to do with someone is hurtful and some things can't be taken back. It doesn't sound like she trusts you anymore as much as she may still care about you. This is a very valid reason alone for someone not to want to enter(or re-enter) a relationship. In my mind nothing is bad enough to tell someone that and then reconsider or take it back. Once a person has made the decision once to opt you out of their life and that this decision is a viable option or an attractive solution, there is no turning back. That trust is irreparably broken. She'd be walking on eggshells around you from then on, wondering when's the next time you'll pull the plug or deem it reasonable to opt her out again.

 

My advice is to move on from this and take it as a very important lesson in valuing the people who add value to your life. Think long and hard before you let someone go. Don't speak to her anymore. You deserve to move on and she deserves to not be with someone who's let her go once.

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You said you never wanted to speak to her again and admit that it was your fault. That had to have hurt her. It takes time to heal and repair that trust. When you have been hurt, you don't want to put yourself out there too far, especially with someone you are so connected to. That she clearly felt so deeply for you, had to have made it hurt worse. It's been a month, not much time for healing. It sounds like she is afraid to get herself emotionally invested like she was.

 

Do you still want this relationship? If so, you need to let it play out at it's own pace. Make sure she knows how you feel and that you are sorry for what happened. Work to rebuild the trust and make her comfortable with you. Tell her you'd love to talk on the phone when she is ready. Recognize that it's her choice. It's possible that you can't recapture what you had. It's your call as to how far you wish to pursue, or at what point you feel you need to cut it loose.

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Stop all this texting as it's exactly what's making things confusing.

 

You were having a bad time and instead of being a supportive partner, she was all about "me me me pay attention to me". This is why you broke up in a nutshell and all the chatting is just making you lose sight of the bigger issues between you that caused the break up.

 

That said, if you want a shot at getting back together, then just tell her that this is what you want, but if she isn't on board or can't forgive you for what you said, you understand and you are sorry, but you do need to move on and cut contact. If she changes her mind and wants to give things another shot, she knows how to reach you and leave it at that. Then start the journey of healing and dealing with finding work, etc. Whether you get back together or not, it will help you either way to move to a healthier place emotionally and otherwise.

 

Ultimately, getting back together is only successful when a couple is willing to address ALL the issues on BOTH sides that lead up to the break up. If you can't sit down and put all that on the table and be honest with each and come up with a plan that would work for the both on how to handle those issues better going forward and what concreted steps BOTH of you are willing to take to resolve your individual issues, then it won't work in the long run and you'll break up again soon enough.

 

After you break up, it's easy to get caught up in feeling lonely and missing the good parts of the person, but it doesn't mean that you should actually seek to get back together. Keep that in mind.

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