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Ex reached out...now what?


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Fast forward about 2 months after the breakup to when I found out she had a new boyfriend already. That crushed me, but I was determined to move on and I did. Cut all ties completely. Met new women, dated a good bit even had a few short term relationships. Improved myself mentally, physically and emotionally to the point where I genuinely wanted her to be happy, no matter who it was with.


This past week she reached out to me to tell me that her dog had died a few months back. Short conversation where I basically just told her that I’m sorry for her loss ensued. Then last night another message saying how she wishes she didn’t mess things up so badly, how she wants to be better and learn from her mistakes and how much she misses and admires me. Never explicitly said she wants to get back, but there are some pretty strong indicators.


Thing is, she still has that boyfriend. Sounds like she was basically pushed into a rebound relationship that has turned into something more, but she’s not happy with it at all. Described it as “tumultuous with lots of anger and tears as of late”. She’s repeatedly mentioned that it’s not a healthy relationship and she’s not sure what the future holds there.


I’d be open to the idea of reconnecting at this point, but I’m not married to the idea. Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone.


How do I proceed? I legitimately just want her to be happy, but a part of me definitely wants another crack at it because of the intense connection that we shared...and on some level at least, still seem to share.

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The real test would be if she reached out when she wasn't having problems in her current relationship, but reached out because she had chosen to end her current relationship and allowed some time to pass.


To me it sounds like she doesn't so much miss YOU specifically, but rather she doesn't want to be "alone".


I would expect you won't hear from her again if she patches things up with her current boyfriend or if she finds another substitute.


In short, her reaching out is for her benefit, not for yours or for a potential reconciliation.


If you choose to proceed, proceed with caution.

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I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. stay away. she has a boyfriend. she's using you for something a back up, to ease her conscience, ego boost.


Don't fall for it. if you truly want what's best for her or for her to be happy or whatever that's great but put yourself first.


Go fall for someone that isn't a flake.

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, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone.

I agree! she be messed up going this way.. from ending one relation- onto another.. then back? Not.

She needs to be more stable// more able. Not confused.


Besides.. you two broke up for reasons. Are those improved now?


Often after a relationship break- second round is just not as stable- but is weaker & break- up occurs again :(.


Sit back.. think.. and dont lead her on.. think for yourself, be honest.


If all is done now.. keep moving forward. Only be a 'friend' when you know you are truly over her.

Or this will not help you heal & advance.

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She's not reaching out for the right reasons.


She seems to be looking for a Plan B in case her current relationship falls apart. Is that perhaps what happened when you two broke up, that she was lining up someone else? What does it say about her that she's communicating with you behind her boyfriend's back?


Tell her you can talk when she's single, but not before then.

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She's not happy in her new relationship and talking to you gives her some sense of maybe monkey branching to you, rather than doing the right thing and making a clean break.

She left you to begin with. She'll use you to prop herself up to leave this guy, but it's no where near the same as the two of coming together clean and free of entanglements believing your relationship has a healthy chance.

Ex's that continue to contact you while in a relationship are showing you they'll likely be reaching out to others while with you.

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I agree with everyone above ^^^


Look at the facts.


She had a full time bf 2 month after you two broke up. Sounds to me like she had him lined up before the breakup and now she is doing the same thing...


She is talking to an ex WHILE still in a relationship. Is this someone you could ever trust?


She still carries all the problems she had when she dated you so why would you want to revisit all that when you know she isn't about growth and reflection, she is all about distracting herself and using others to feel better.


Here are some really good reasons NOT to go down this path:


1. She is in a relationship. Are you the type of guy to help someone cheat?

2. She admits she still is messed up.

3. She cannot be alone and needs someone.

4. You have grown, she has not.

5. Nothing has changed except time and boyfriends. I wonder if this is the same lines she used on him behind your back...


If I were you I would tell her exactly what you told us. That you wished she would spend some time alone discovering who she is and what she wants before she gets back into a relationship with anyone and if she ever finds herself single and in a good place to look you up, if you are single at that time MAYBE you could meet for a drink and talk.


This is her problem not yours so keep it that way.



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My thoughts are, if her intentions were sincere she would have contacted you after her current relationship ended, along with taking the time to heal.


Also, since history has a tendency to repeat itself, what are your thoughts on her contacting you while she's in a relationship?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you everyone who offered your thoughts. We’ve had sporadic communication the past few weeks, kind of hot and cold. I put an end to it when I told her that I’m not interested in being her friend. Said that if we both find ourselves in a better position to reconnect down the line that’s something that we could talk about, but it can’t and won’t happen right now and I’m not going to put my life on hold waiting for her. She was upset but understands.


I feel better already.

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I was very happy before she came back. Even got to the point that I was genuinely glad that she had found someone that made her happy - or so I thought at the time. Since she reached out my heads been all twisted around, so I just need to get back to where I was a few weeks ago.

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