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scratching/pinching + relationship problems, feel alone!


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Hello to whomever may read this.

 

I used to feel much more confident but since my father died of cancer during my study I feel like I lost my best friend. I tried to finish my study in time for him to see me graduate but sadly he passed before that happened. Ever since I feel like nothing I do has any great purpose anymore. I try to get my enjoyment from daily activities and am fairly happy living that way. On the other hand I can't seem to find any motivation to work on my paid phd as a medical doctor (setting up studies atm). I don't do enough at home and my gf feels like she has to do too much of the daily stuff.

 

I have always felt inadequate about a lot of stuff and many things that come natural to some are hard for me:

- It's hard for me to think in a structured way sometimes causing me to get a bit foggy and ask people around me questions to get my mind back on track

- I have difficulty with tasks like folding stuff: no matter how many times people show me I am just terrible at it but will always try,

- I am extremely focused so that one im listening to one person I often don't hear another person want my attention as well. My gf gets rly sad about this causing me to feel hopeless because it makes me want to not do stuff I need focus for or talk to other people when she is around because I'm afraid I will disappoint her.

- endless list of other flaws.

The people that do not mind me having these flaws and simply laugh or react in a manner that makes me feel empowered or happy are my mother, sister, brother and my father (my father was especially nice and always made me feel like a million bucks).

 

Yesterday I felt like I wanted to be a better version of myself and clean up the entire house. I slept late/woke up late because my sleep schedule is totally ruined (I often feel sad during the day because my gf and I fight a lot, so I watch twitch streams at night where I talk to people so I feel less alone). After I woke up I started to clean and send my gf an app asking her when she would be home. I thought she might be home slightly late so I might still be able to surprise her with a cleaned house, but I knew I started too late. As she came home I told her just sit and relax I want to do this it makes me happy to show you I can show initiative :D To which she responded I don't want you to work do something you enjoy (she felt bad about my tummy hurting because I heavily scratched my entire tummy during our last fight). So I kept working until I was getting tired and then did some stuff for myself.

 

Today I woke up and my gf looked mega stressed (and was cleaning) I immediately said: he, I'm here for you lets do this together and started to clean the house with her, take some of the trash out etc (she gets mad when she start something and I take over and let her just relax for herself, because she feels I only do it because she initiated). After we were done I sat down and said Im going to make a playlist, to which she responded that sounds fun (so I thought I was doing ok and she wasnt frustrated with me).

 

After a bit she suddenly said to me:

- he! your pants and belt are still lying here and I don't know where you want them (I forgot them while I was sorting stuff) at the moment I was eating some doritos because I didnt eat yet (I know doritos arent breakfast) and my right hand was rly dirty. So I walked over to her and took them in my hand and walked to the closet and pointed to where I wanted to put the pants and said I want to store them there but my hand is dirty so I can't fold it atm can you help me.

She got mad at me and said:

- this is what I mean I have to do everything here! Why do you think I asked you this (she wanted to start streaming). I told her I thought she just needed to know where to put it and I would of course gladly put it there myself but I didnt want to ruin the pants. She then told me: you can wash your hands right and do it yourself! I then said but im still hungry I just started to eat my doritos. To which she said: nothing is stopping you from continuing to eat after you fold the pants and store it right and btw why didnt you put them away earlier I have to initiate everything here! So I felt like I was dumb for forgetting (one of my flaws, not an excuse I know I have to do better)

 

We then had a fight, which was kind of resolved.

 

After this she started streaming and I dropped in in the stream to talk with her and the guests to help keep it cozy and entertain the chat a bit (something she like me doing). In the meanwhile I played a game but in between matches I kept dropping in to talk to her and the stream. After her stream finished I visited a stream I like and asked the streamer if her day had been well and if she had promoted a division in that particular game yet: she started to answer me, but in the meanwhile my girlfriend apparently started talking to me. Once had listened to what the streamer had said to me my gf got mad at me and said: You are ignoring me, I always come second with you etc. I explained I listened to the streamer and didnt want to ignore her but I cant focus on two people talking at once and I don't know what to do in a situation like that.

She then kept saying to me you dont do anything, you don't initiate, I always come second, yet I didn't know what I could have done in a better way that day (except for maybe not talk to the streamer I like. Because I don't know how to solve my focus issue because Im 34 and have had that problem my entire life). I started to feel rly rly rly lonely and stupid and a waste of atoms while I kept telling her I drop by in her stream because I do care etc. She kept repeating, she doesn't believe I have focus peoblems but just choose to ignore her/don't have the correct priorities.

 

She then told me: during the stream I told you I am hungry and now I have to ask what we are going to eat you don't initiate this either! (she is right, I'm often not hungry because I feel down and only eat late, when I feel less useless). I told her what do we have that we/I can make. To which she responded pull open the fridge and look for yourself you can see what is inside right. I had a terrible neckache at that point so I felt kinda bad to look down in the fridge. So I asked her; you know what we bought yesterday right, if you tell me what we can choose from ill make the choice and prepare it. She then said: you where there when we did the shopping right! I tend to forget stuff so I didn't rly remember so I felt useless again.

 

After this she was still upset with me, and I started to feel myself get overwhelmed with a feeling of not being seen (seen as in the sadness in my soul) by my partner that I threw some coke out of a bottle on the ground. Some of this landed on her favourite plush and she got emotional and started to look at me with rage in her eyes. This caused me to feel even more worthless because in my mind she cared more for the plush than my loneliness (+ I also felt bad about hitting the plush with the coke). So I smashed some plates on the ground (I do this because else I will cut/injure myself) but heavily cut myself on a plate in the process. I also started pinching my tummy ( I do this when I dislike myself/I am feeling lonely/I am crying out for help or to be seen).

 

After this I promised my gf I would initiate more. I will do some extra work in the house after I finish writing this. I also told her I won't talk to streamers anymore when she is around because I don't know how to fix my focus issue and don't want to make her sad (she says I can still talk to streamers and says "It must be someting I'm doing wrong then"; while she pulls up her shoulders and sighs. Causing me to still not feel safe to watch them).

 

 

I'm terribly sorry this is such a long and messy post.

 

I hope someone can help me! I feel so alone, don't have the drive to do anything that really matters and miss my father so damn much.

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