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Husband chose sister’s feelings over mine


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Would you have preferred that your husband refused to attend?

 

In other words, it's not that you weren't going to attend (because you weren't invited) but you feel your husband should have said something like "If my wife isn't welcome I am not going to attend"?

 

Just trying to get an idea of how you feel he should have handled it.

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Would you have preferred that your husband refused to attend?

 

In other words, it's not that you weren't going to attend (because you weren't invited) but you feel your husband should have said something like "If my wife isn't welcome I am not going to attend"?

 

Just trying to get an idea of how you feel he should have handled it.

 

Or, “I’m coming to the party because I love my niece, but it was rude to not invite my wife and I don’t like you treating her that way.”

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Or, “I’m coming to the party because I love my niece, but it was rude to not invite my wife and I don’t like you treating her that way.”

 

If the situation with your SIL is as you say, in that she is potentially disordered, then you cannot treat her like a normal sane person who is just being rude or behaving badly. This is where you need to put your ego aside and take a completely different approach with her and your husband.

 

Your husband grew up with her and is probably way better versed at how to handle her mental issues than you'll ever be. If that means going to a party and not bringing you once in a blue moon to keep the peace, so be it. The part that you and some posters are failing to understand is that if you tell something like that to a mental patient, they might light your house on fire for real. There are some things you simply need to learn to stay far away from and learn to expect that a mental patient, especially an untreated one, is not someone to try and be pals with or be at war with - just keep away from her entirely as much as possible. Remember - she is a mental patient and right now her hate is fixated on you, so you dodge.

 

As for your husband, leave him to handle her and the only issue to take up with him is that he doesn't lie or hide that from you. Which means that you need to learn to let him go in peace instead of taking this personally and turning it into a fight. You simply cannot take her personally or seriously and neither does he, but he is related and he does need to keep some kind of peace with her and fam. They all need to deal with her somehow. The less you see her, however, the less you deal with her, the better for you. Who wants to deal with psycho? Do you really? No, right.

 

Once you take your ego out of this and think rationally, you'll find that this situation isn't really all that difficult or that bad. I'd have a different opinion of the SIL was simply a jerk.

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If the situation with your SIL is as you say, in that she is potentially disordered, then you cannot treat her like a normal sane person who is just being rude or behaving badly. This is where you need to put your ego aside and take a completely different approach with her and your husband.

 

Your husband grew up with her and is probably way better versed at how to handle her mental issues than you'll ever be. If that means going to a party and not bringing you once in a blue moon to keep the peace, so be it. The part that you and some posters are failing to understand is that if you tell something like that to a mental patient, they might light your house on fire for real. There are some things you simply need to learn to stay far away from and learn to expect that a mental patient, especially an untreated one, is not someone to try and be pals with or be at war with - just keep away from her entirely as much as possible. Remember - she is a mental patient and right now her hate is fixated on you, so you dodge.

 

As for your husband, leave him to handle her and the only issue to take up with him is that he doesn't lie or hide that from you. Which means that you need to learn to let him go in peace instead of taking this personally and turning it into a fight. You simply cannot take her personally or seriously and neither does he, but he is related and he does need to keep some kind of peace with her and fam. They all need to deal with her somehow. The less you see her, however, the less you deal with her, the better for you. Who wants to deal with psycho? Do you really? No, right.

 

Once you take your ego out of this and think rationally, you'll find that this situation isn't really all that difficult or that bad. I'd have a different opinion of the SIL was simply a jerk.

 

I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call her menatally I’ll. Rude? Yes. But it seems to stem from the fact that she wanted my husband to marry his ex. And she doesn’t like that I’m close to her mom and she isn’t. I can’t change either of those things for her though. It’s really just weird. She didn’t invite me to the party for some reason she made up in her head because she’s mad at me for being close to her family and because she’s mad at me for not being like my husband’s ex. If she had a legit reason to treat me poorly, trust me, I’d get it. I know she also doesn’t get along with her own in laws and her mother in law is obsessed with her husband’s ex fiancé. I don’t know if she’s upset about that and projects it onto me to make her feel better or what.

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I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call her menatally I’ll. Rude? Yes. But it seems to stem from the fact that she wanted my husband to marry his ex. And she doesn’t like that I’m close to her mom and she isn’t. I can’t change either of those things for her though. It’s really just weird. She didn’t invite me to the party for some reason she made up in her head because she’s mad at me for being close to her family and because she’s mad at me for not being like my husband’s ex. If she had a legit reason to treat me poorly, trust me, I’d get it. I know she also doesn’t get along with her own in laws and her mother in law is obsessed with her husband’s ex fiancé. I don’t know if she’s upset about that and projects it onto me to make her feel better or what.

 

You can't do anything about any of that.

 

Does your husband feel she is rude to exclude you? Or does he defend her?

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You can't do anything about any of that.

 

Does your husband feel she is rude to exclude you? Or does he defend her?

 

He thinks it’s rude but it almost seems he is scared to say something to her. He always tells me to just be the bigger person and ignore it. Which I’ve don’t to an extent but I feel like she’s pushing me. Ignoring someone usually makes them stop but I fear she won’t stop until someone tells her to or until she gets a reaction.

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Your enemies, especially when it's his family don't have to be his enemies. That is not 'support" or "solidarity". It's putting him in an untenable situation because you just can't bury the hatchet. Stop trying to control him or his family and you'll have a lot more peace.

He always tells me to just be the bigger person and ignore it.
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He thinks it’s rude but it almost seems he is scared to say something to her. He always tells me to just be the bigger person and ignore it. Which I’ve don’t to an extent but I feel like she’s pushing me. Ignoring someone usually makes them stop but I fear she won’t stop until someone tells her to or until she gets a reaction.

 

Again, you can't control what she does. You can only control how you choose to react.

 

Your husband wants you to ignore her. So, can you do that?

 

You can also speak to him about hiding things from you regarding family events. Let him know lying, concealing and hiding are not OK. He should let you know when he plans to attend family events. Then you can choose to either get upset with him or say something like "I think it's rude how they're excluding me. But I will not stop you from going and I will not insist you tell then how rude they are."

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I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call her menatally I’ll. Rude? Yes. But it seems to stem from the fact that she wanted my husband to marry his ex. And she doesn’t like that I’m close to her mom and she isn’t. I can’t change either of those things for her though. It’s really just weird. She didn’t invite me to the party for some reason she made up in her head because she’s mad at me for being close to her family and because she’s mad at me for not being like my husband’s ex. If she had a legit reason to treat me poorly, trust me, I’d get it. I know she also doesn’t get along with her own in laws and her mother in law is obsessed with her husband’s ex fiancé. I don’t know if she’s upset about that and projects it onto me to make her feel better or what.

 

Disordered people are not rational. If her own fam suspects she has an undiagnosed and untreated disorder, you better believe it. Again, they have years more of experience in dealing with her than you do. Step out of the way of crazy. It will save you a lot of grief.

 

Also, do sit down and have a conversation with your husband, not a fight, not an argument, just talk about the situation with his sister and explain that he is free to go to an event, but that he should never ever hide that from you or lie to you about where he is going. That's a line you do need to draw with your husband.

 

There is no way you should ever make your husband choose between you and her or you and fam at large. The day you pick that battle, you might as well file for divorce. Most people will never accept that kind of an attitude from their SO. That doesn't mean you all have to be pals. Sometimes the intelligent thing to do is to actually butt out and let your spouse manage their fam issues.

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I'm coming from this with a different perspective. I think they might feel intimidated and fear you because you're reactionary and vocal. When someone isn't invited to outtings or included in a group, that group doesn't want to deal with that person's behaviours or personality. Your husband going and not telling you is disrespectful but I also have to wonder if it's in fear of you or feeling tired of dealing with the backlash that comes with your opinions or thoughts about issues in general. This might be hard to digest but... you may not be an approachable person or as approachable as you might think you are.

 

I am not suggesting this is your fault but I think there's a 50/50 in most situations. He was wrong to slink to the event that way but it also begs the question why. You should be a part of that family, as much as he is or as much as his sister. They aren't partial to you and there's probably a reason why. If you really are interested in staying married in this family you'll have to focus less on your wants and needs and maybe think outside the box at what others are also needing or wanting.

 

Some people are really quite myopic, rude and condescending in general so if you feel this is the type of family you've married into, I don't think you have much to look forward to at any event, whether you're told or not. So what does it matter?

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Work with your husband then on being more open with the communication. He seems to be avoiding you. This happens when someone doesn't want to work through any potential issues that might come up or when a person is not willing to explain themselves anymore. It's painful. I hope you both work things out.

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But her mom lied to her and told her she was exposed to Covid instead of telling her she was tired of being treated like crap

 

..OK....so...what does that tell you about SIL?

 

I really have to ask - why is it so difficult for you to back off and step out of this particular husband's fam situation? What is it with you? Are you trying to prove something, do you have some issues where everyone needs to approve of you or else? Like seriously, what's up with you?

 

Also, you keep pointing out that his parents like you more than their own daughter? .......what are you trying to prove and to who?..........

 

Do you realize that you are actively trying to stir up a fight where there really is no need for one whatsoever? No wonder your husband didn't tell you where he went. Who needs that argument?

 

A friend of mine, her husband has a difficult relationship with his sister as well. She doesn't get involved with her at all. Her husband handles whatever relationship he wants to have with her, my friend stays out of it completely. They have a happy peaceful marriage. My friend has literally only talked to SIL twice and she got off the phone with "omg this woman is bat shaite." and that was it for their interactions. There is no war, no whatever, no competition for fam attention, etc. Sometimes he will fly over to visit his sis, but my friend won't bother going. They have zero problems with this as it preserves sanity all around.

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I think the problem here is your husband, no one else. There's always going to be jerks in this world, people who don't accept you, people who don't like you..but it's your spouse that should be the one who stands beside you, no matter what.

 

Your husband is more concerned about her feelings, than yours. He went to this party without letting you know anything, which in and itself is a type of betrayal. He was more concerned about making sure she didn't feel upset, over you.

 

That's where the problem lies. But if you've already talked to him, then it really is your choice in whether you keep putting up with a husband who won't defend you and won't have your back.

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