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Hi lovely people,

 

In my last thread I talked about a guy I started dating again (last time was 3,5 years ago), who wanted to prove things changed. We started dating again for 1,5 months.

 

In my last thread I talked about him being distant at some times, leaving me not knowing what to expect. I still wanted to see if it could go anywhere and talked about this with him. I told him that seeing him was always fun, but I didn't hear a lot of him in between. He seemed genuinely happy to hear this and said he was happy I told him this. He started texting me way more.

He seemed more close to me, holding hands everywhere, putting his arm around my shoulder, kissing me, talking about me to his family (when I was there and they were on the phone) Our dates were always outside the house (but did end inside the house). He almost always initiated contact.

 

We went on a holiday together for some days. We talked about him being in therapy and he opened up about how he feels, that he is in there for depression. We had a really open conversation about this and I at least had the feeling we became more closer after. We shared a lot of personal stories/deep conversations (also something that never happened before) The rest of the holiday was a lot of fun, except the last one. He was on his phone a lot and showed me something. Some Tinder notifications showed up at that moment and I asked him why he would be on Tinder on holiday (talking to girls from there, without even being able to meet up with them). I asked if he wanted to date others and he said he didn't "necessarily" want this. When we dated 3,5 years ago he wasnt able to commit and dating multiple girls at the same time.

I told him eventually I am looking for a serious relationship, in which he said he is not ready for one. He told me he likes me a lot, that I am special to him, but he doesn't want to string me along.

I told him I dont want to be in this kind of a relationship and left in a good way. There was no argument. We met the other day at the airport, he looked really bad and told me he drank a bottle of wine and couldnt sleep because he had been thinking all night. I wished him the best and we gave each other a long hug.

 

It might not have been the best idea to started dating this guy again, yet I wanted to see if he followed up his words if things could be different this time. He was way more open and affectionate towards me, something I havent seen before.

Its ok that this happened and Im glad he was being honest with me and I know where I stand.

I wont get in touch anymore and I told him he shouldnt get in touch with me either, because we are not on the same level.

After spending more time together I really got the feeling he liked me, they way he looked at me, always smiling when doing this, initiating future holidays/plans together, telling me how much I mean to him and how happy he is to spend time together. One night he accidently woke me up giving me a kiss on the forehead. He gave me the feeling he really liked me back.

I wonder if someone can truely like someone, but not be able to be in a relationship for whatever reason (in his case I guess its about depression/keeping options open). Or is this because in reality he is just not that into me? Did I misread the signals? This bothers me a bit, and still occupies my mind.

 

Thank you! Writing this down is already a relieve.

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He probably does like you. A lot. But that doesn't mean he wants to be exclusive with you or be tied down in any way.

 

If you're looking for a serious relationship, you'll have to look elsewhere, I'm afraid. I hope you don't allow yourself to be drawn in by the few breadcrumbs that he throws you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you.

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I think we can definitely like good qualities in a person yet NOT be in a relationship nor friendship with them. Even though our stories are not the same, sentiments are definitely similar. There are various people in my life who have certain qualities which I admire yet it's those other parts of their personalities and characters which are intolerable and unacceptable. Reasons run the gamut from lack of empathy, shared values, respect in the relationship, goals for the future, lots of apathy and indifference from them to me and in the worst case scenarios, some of them are unkind and rude whenever it strikes their fancy. On the flip side, I admire their generosity with their time, money and labor during other times. Some people will defend human flaws and defects by describing some people as having "foibles" and telling you to accept them as they are. I can't do that. I won't do that. If certain people are unavoidable, I'll enforce very strong boundaries with them and if some people can be eliminated from my life, then I'll go that route.

 

I can't speak for you. However, I can like someone while realistically know that there are no options open. I can admire whatever goodness they have. Unfortunately, it's their negative traits which overshadow any of their goodness which is the problem.

 

You were smart for breaking up with him and using your common sense.

 

He spends a lot of time on phone talking to girls on Tinder during holiday. He told you that he didn't "necessarily" want this. What the heck does that mean? He enjoys playing with words which is disdainful. When you dated him, he wasn't able to commit and dated multiple girls at the same time.

 

At least he was honest enough to tell you he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I'll give him that. Stringing you along is deceitful behavior and I'm glad for your sake that he told you the truth when he did as opposed to later.

 

He likes you on his terms and on his conditions only; NOT yours. That part of him is self-centered and selfish. He only likes you when it's convenient for him. He wants to be carefree. He's still a boy in a man's body. He's immature and hasn't grown up yet. He's not a real man yet nor will you know when he'll ever be. You were smart not to waste your time and energy on him anymore.

 

He's toying with your mind and causing your confusion due to his signals.

 

He isn't serious about you. He doesn't want a commitment with you. That should be the clearest signal which stands out in your mind the most.

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I'm sure he likes you just fine. But he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

A guy I dated told me the same thing. He said he liked me just fine. But he wasn't in love and was not going to be in love with me.

 

Probably there are men you like just fine too. But you don't want to be in a relationship with them.

 

So next time he comes sniffing around (and I can almost guarantee there will be a next time) remember it's not because he wants a relationship with you. It's because he "likes" you. But that's not enough, is it?

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He probably does like you. A lot. But that doesn't mean he wants to be exclusive with you or be tied down in any way.

 

If you're looking for a serious relationship, you'll have to look elsewhere, I'm afraid. I hope you don't allow yourself to be drawn in by the few breadcrumbs that he throws you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you.

 

Definitely! Ill keep that in mind. Thank you for responding.:)

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I think we can definitely like good qualities in a person yet NOT be in a relationship nor friendship with them. Even though our stories are not the same, sentiments are definitely similar. There are various people in my life who have certain qualities which I admire yet it's those other parts of their personalities and characters which are intolerable and unacceptable. Reasons run the gamut from lack of empathy, shared values, respect in the relationship, goals for the future, lots of apathy and indifference from them to me and in the worst case scenarios, some of them are unkind and rude whenever it strikes their fancy. On the flip side, I admire their generosity with their time, money and labor during other times. Some people will defend human flaws and defects by describing some people as having "foibles" and telling you to accept them as they are. I can't do that. I won't do that. If certain people are unavoidable, I'll enforce very strong boundaries with them and if some people can be eliminated from my life, then I'll go that route.

 

I can't speak for you. However, I can like someone while realistically know that there are no options open. I can admire whatever goodness they have. Unfortunately, it's their negative traits which overshadow any of their goodness which is the problem.

 

You were smart for breaking up with him and using your common sense.

 

He spends a lot of time on phone talking to girls on Tinder during holiday. He told you that he didn't "necessarily" want this. What the heck does that mean? He enjoys playing with words which is disdainful. When you dated him, he wasn't able to commit and dated multiple girls at the same time.

 

At least he was honest enough to tell you he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I'll give him that. Stringing you along is deceitful behavior and I'm glad for your sake that he told you the truth when he did as opposed to later.

 

He likes you on his terms and on his conditions only; NOT yours. That part of him is self-centered and selfish. He only likes you when it's convenient for him. He wants to be carefree. He's still a boy in a man's body. He's immature and hasn't grown up yet. He's not a real man yet nor will you know when he'll ever be. You were smart not to waste your time and energy on him anymore.

 

He's toying with your mind and causing your confusion due to his signals.

 

He isn't serious about you. He doesn't want a commitment with you. That should be the clearest signal which stands out in your mind the most.

 

Im gonna study those last paragraphs so I wont forget. I think you are absolutely right. I believe rose coloured glasses are a real thing, I can see more clearly now in which ways he wasnt the right fit for me either. It still stings but Im glad to have an answer. Personally its hard for me to understand why he would ask for a second change, actually prove that he made major changes and act like/say he likes me and in the end not want anything serious. What is the purpose of it all?

Me and his mindsets are probably not on the same page.

Thank you for replying!

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I'm sure he likes you just fine. But he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

A guy I dated told me the same thing. He said he liked me just fine. But he wasn't in love and was not going to be in love with me.

 

Probably there are men you like just fine too. But you don't want to be in a relationship with them.

 

So next time he comes sniffing around (and I can almost guarantee there will be a next time) remember it's not because he wants a relationship with you. It's because he "likes" you. But that's not enough, is it?

 

Definitely not enough, and I wont be there for another run. This is not what I want at all.

It did happen before that I didn't want a relationship while dating someone. I was always clear about my intentions/feelings tho, not pretending like I was in love with someone, asking for another chance, only to tell them later that I wasnt. Thank you for the reply!

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When we can grasp that most people are just NOT our match, we liberate ourselves from any ideas about not being 'good enough' for someone. We can be attracted and even have great chemistry, but if our vision of what we want for ourselves doesn't align, then we're just not a match.

 

This can teach you how to screen carefully before bonding. In my case, I'll avoid sleeping first, asking questions later, because I know myself, and I bond when I'm sexual. So I've learned to be selective about who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

 

Anyone who won't stick around for getting to know you without sex up front does you the favor of screening himself out FOR you.

 

If someone doesn't consider themselves to be relationship material, or they don't know what they want, then they're just not a good match for me, and I can allow bad matches to pass early--before investing or bonding with them.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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When we can grasp that most people are just NOT our match, we liberate ourselves from any ideas about not being 'good enough' for someone. We can be attracted and even have great chemistry, but if our vision of what we want for ourselves doesn't align, then we're just not a match.

 

This can teach you how to screen carefully before bonding. In my case, I'll avoid sleeping first, asking questions later, because I know myself, and I bond when I'm sexual. So I've learned to be selective about who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

 

Anyone who won't stick around for getting to know you without sex up front does you the favor of screening himself out FOR you.

 

If someone doesn't consider themselves to be relationship material, or they don't know what they want, then they're just not a good match for me, and I can allow bad matches to pass early--before investing or bonding with them.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

 

Great advice, will definitely remember this. Thank you!

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Be thankful he was honest with you and actually did have his Tinder set up for notifications on his phone and that you saw it. Can you imagine if it went on for longer and this topic of exclusivity didn't come up? Some people don't even answer truthfully when asked that question.

 

You did the right thing letting go and sticking to what you want and what you don't want.

 

You mentioned he was in therapy for depression. I have to think that this person is working out a few things on his own and he may be making a conscious decision not to commit to anyone because he has work to do on himself for whatever reason. The bottomline is he was honest with you. It's a disappointment but it's a lot better than hoping for something for longer and being far more upset later on.

 

I'm sorry this didn't work out but now you're free to not pursue this. Dust yourself off - onwards and forwards.

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