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He asked me to marry him out of convenience?


foolsinlove
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My long term bf has asked me when will we get married. It was not a proposal, just a question that could have been a joke too.

I really wanted to marry him years ago but he refused me many times. He said he never wants to marry me. I accepted it will not happen. We don't even live together to start with.

 

Now he is having financial issues and he basically has no place to live in soon. I guess he plans to move in with me and marry me maybe. But I'm not comfortable with timing and his motives.

 

I guess he loves me but due to past rejections I really changed my mind about marriage. I like living by myself and I don't want to be married. But if I refuse him, I wonder how he's going to take it.

 

I really don't know should I just go for it because we're together for so long and we don't plan to breakup at all. But at the same time I really don't want to. I used to view marriage as something romantic and he ruined it for me years ago. Now I just see it as a legal contract and I think his reasons for it are practical. It's not something I want. But I guess I have to do it to help him out otherwise he'll think I don't love him.

 

Please help.

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My long term bf has asked me when will we get married. It was not a proposal, just a question that could have been a joke too.

I really wanted to marry him years ago but he refused me many times. He said he never wants to marry me. I accepted it will not happen. We don't even live together to start with.

 

Now he is having financial issues and he basically has no place to live in soon. I guess he plans to move in with me and marry me maybe. But I'm not comfortable with timing and his motives.

 

I guess he loves me but due to past rejections I really changed my mind about marriage. I like living by myself and I don't want to be married. But if I refuse him, I wonder how he's going to take it.

 

I really don't know should I just go for it because we're together for so long and we don't plan to breakup at all. But at the same time I really don't want to. I used to view marriage as something romantic and he ruined it for me years ago. Now I just see it as a legal contract and I think his reasons for it are practical. It's not something I want. But I guess I have to do it to help him out otherwise he'll think I don't love him.

 

Please help.

ok first off, do not marry someone you if don't want to be married. that goes for everybody!

 

Specifically to you, OP, why was it acceptable for him to not want to marry you for love. But its not acceptable for you to not want to marry him because now he needs financial support?

 

you know what a sugar momma is? how about a gold digger?

 

You have been together a long time and be had no interest in marriage. hurt you, rejected you, you accepted and now you'd be the one that doesn't love him for not bailin him out?

 

you are all turned around. Marriage is a vow for richer, poorer, sickness, health.... just dating a long time is not.

 

This guy is a real piece of work and what are you thinking?? serious question.

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I would suggest proposing to yourself. Propose to yourself that you promise to be committed to evaluating your self-worth and if needed enlisting resources like books (Martha Beck is who I recommend), a therapist/counselor, etc. What do you do for exercise? How are your health habits -eating, hydrating, etc?

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This is easy....before you get married go see a lawyer about a prenup. You can work out the details, for example: that he can't have access to your money or your assets, nor will you be responsible for his debts. If he leaves the marriage, he leaves what he came with and you are not responsible to keep supporting him.

 

Or tell him you won't marry him until he gets financially stable, job, savings etc.

 

If you suspect he is doing it to use you, not so sure why you would even want to be with someone that doesn't treat you like a partner. You better have a long hard think about this without your emotions involved. If you had a close friend that was in your situation, what advice would you give them?

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You may be overthinking things right now if it was a joke in poor taste. Hold your horses and don't respond to it or worry yourself. Get through 2020 for the time being and encourage him to get back on his feet. You seem to care about him a lot so leaving him when he's down won't be easy for you. It's obvious to others that he doesn't have your best interests and you seem to have a nagging feeling about it also.

 

The trick is not to hurt yourself in the process either or jump to any conclusions. When the timing is right and both of you ought to talk about things more seriously, I'm sure you'll do the right thing for yourself. Hope you both feel better soon.

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So in a nutshell, you are dating a self centered user and a loser. While it was convenient for him to be "single" as in reject your desire to get married, he was all for that. Now that it would be convenient to be married so you can pay his bills and bail him out, he suddenly wants to change his tune.

 

You know what? He laid his bed, so let him sleep in it. The marriage/living together boat has sailed and he wasn't on board. NO way should you be letting him on board now. If you do, I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll be back here seeking advice on how to get rid of him soon enough. Just don't. Assert the same boundaries HE already established. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, yes?

 

On a side note, maybe think long and hard about why you are settling for this, setting aside your needs, your values, your life goals and desires just to hang on to ....well...what exactly? A selfish jerk? Is this really acceptable to you?

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How transparent does he have to be? I don't understand why you didn't dump him long ago?! Do you usually pay his way?

 

You would be a fool to marry him, as then you would be responsible for his debt, and you would also have the privilege of supporting him.

 

He is a parasite and loser. Why do you think so little of yourself to stay with him? He does not sound like he loves or likes you.

 

I don't understand why you think you have any financial obligation? If the situation were reversed, would he marry and support you?

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If you get married he'll have access to your assets.

My long term bf has asked me when will we get married. It was not a proposal. Now he is having financial issues and he basically has no place to live in soon. I guess he plans to move in with me and marry me maybe.
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My mother didn't want to marry my father yet grudgingly did. Three kids and 18 years of a hellacious marriage later, it was the single most biggest regret of her life. For her sake, he mercifully died.

 

My father left my mother heavily in debt, financial ruin, he was a chain smoking alcoholic who punched my mother's teeth out and I doubt it could get any worse than that. She paid off all of my late father's debts, never filed for bankruptcy, paid off her mortgage, currently owns her house free and clear and raised three children all by herself by working 3 jobs 7 days a week. She is a "Steel Magnolia." She paid her dues!

 

Not that you'll have it as bad as my dear mother but never do anything against your will otherwise you will tell yourself you were naive.

 

Your boyfriend's dire financial state is his responsibility, NOT yours.

 

He's not going to take it well when you decline his proposal. However, think how YOU'RE NOT going to take it well when his financial woes become your headache and legal burdens. Then you'll really be in a hot mess. :upset:

 

Be smart. Always listen to your gut instincts and intuition because it's always right on the mark. Use your common sense. You'll thank yourself later!

Edited by Cherylyn
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If he loved you he would not have refused you so many times regarding your desire for marriage. And now that he is facing financial difficulties and possibly even homelessness he's suddenly changed his mind? No. I'm sorry you are in love with a person like this. He is not treating you in a way that is loving whatsoever. It's all one sided.

 

I'm sorry you love him because you've already answered your own questions and concerns. You know you aren't comfortable with any of this, and you know that you don't want to marry this person. You are still doubting yourself because your love for this person is clouding your very own judgment. "Love is blind" is not just a cliche saying. It really is and can be. I've certainly fallen victim to it, and gone against my own advice to others in the past, because of my love for someone. This judgment is, as Cherylyn has mentioned, your gut talking. And that's a powerful thing. Follow your gut instincts, they really are pretty much right every time. I think that's something most would agree with. If something doesn't feel right in the pit of your stomach, then it's not right.

 

Unfortunately to add to that, I think you need to break up with this person too. It doesn't sound to me like he loves you in any way. He might say he does, but if what you have said about him is true, I really don't think he feels it. He is certainly not good for you, and you are currently being dragged along with him. You deserve so much better than that in life, you really do. There are others out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

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If he loved you he would not have refused you so many times regarding your desire for marriage. And now that he is facing financial difficulties and possibly even homelessness he's suddenly changed his mind? No. I'm sorry you are in love with a person like this. He is not treating you in a way that is loving whatsoever. It's all one sided.

 

I'm sorry you love him because you've already answered your own questions and concerns. You know you aren't comfortable with any of this, and you know that you don't want to marry this person. You are still doubting yourself because your love for this person is clouding your very own judgment. "Love is blind" is not just a cliche saying. It really is and can be. I've certainly fallen victim to it, and gone against my own advice to others in the past, because of my love for someone. This judgment is, as Cherylyn has mentioned, your gut talking. And that's a powerful thing. Follow your gut instincts, they really are pretty much right every time. I think that's something most would agree with. If something doesn't feel right in the pit of your stomach, then it's not right.

 

Unfortunately to add to that, I think you need to break up with this person too. It doesn't sound to me like he loves you in any way. He might say he does, but if what you have said about him is true, I really don't think he feels it. He is certainly not good for you, and you are currently being dragged along with him. You deserve so much better than that in life, you really do. There are others out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

 

Thank you.

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I really don't know should I just go for it because we're together for so long and we don't plan to breakup at all. But at the same time I really don't want to. I used to view marriage as something romantic and he ruined it for me years ago. Now I just see it as a legal contract and I think his reasons for it are practical. It's not something I want. But I guess I have to do it to help him out otherwise he'll think I don't love him.

 

Please help.

 

You may meet a man down the line that is legitimately in love with you and you change your mind about marriage -- but i can see right now that you are sour due to the constant rejections. My ex wanted to take the next step and live together conveniently when the place he was living in was sold and he had nowhere to go. I should not have done that. I would tell him "since you turned me down so often for getting married, I feel that you are only talking about marriage because you will have nowhere to live soon and want to move in with me. Is that about accurate?"

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Marriage is more than a legal document. It should be romantic. It should be between two people who really love and understand each other, who connect on emotional, physical, and spiritual levels. It's two people who fulfill and complement each other. That's not to say there won't be work involved or hard times. But it's two people who vow to stand by each other through those hard times and come out stronger because their love, trust, and faith in each other helps see them through. Please don't let one guy disillusion you and make you give up on having that kind of love one day.

 

You should be with someone who wants you as much as you want them. Right now, it doesn't sound like either of you really want the other. So what is keeping you together? Habit? The fear of being alone? Something else? Is this really love if you think you have to do something you don't want to do? And most diffidently, do not marry someone if you don't want to. It won't lead to happiness for anyone.

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What Holly said:

 

"He is a parasite and loser. Why do you think so little of yourself to stay with him? He does not sound like he loves or likes you.

 

I don't understand why you think you have any financial obligation? If the situation were reversed, would he marry and support you?"

 

And Wiseman:

 

Love is not about being a homeless shelter for a bum who has treated you this poorly for a decade.

 

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