My Husband Purchased a Sex Doll - Thoughts?

[LaHermes]

What Redswim said:

 

"I wish I had someone kind enough to tell me my first husband was never going to change and save me YEARS of heartache and depression.

"

 

What are you going to do OP?

 

Can you not see how outlandish all this looks to an outsider?

 

I suppose, OP,you could purchase a male "doll", with all the enhanced accoutrements. Stand it in the corner of the bedroom, staring vacantly at you both, or all four of you at the dinner table. It sure would be different. Mr. Hitchcock would have a field day.

[AJ4]

OP, please know that I say this for your own good and out of care for you.

 

From all your threads, I'm sorry to tell you that your husband just doesn't seem to be happy in this marriage. I'm not saying it's you or that you are doing anything wrong. I'm saying there's something inside him that feels unfulfilled.

 

Honestly, he's showing all the classic signs of my ex. Having "friendly" overnight stays with another woman, acting like she's just a friend. Always depressed. Making excuses to not share everything with you.

 

Don't mistake him TELLING you about the doll for honesty. He hasn't told you the real reason he has it or WHY he needs to keep it locked up since he DID tell you. He may be "practicing" but I don't think it's for you.

 

You have two kids together, so I know you want this to work. However, I think with all the consistent issues you've had with him, I don't know that counseling will make much of a difference at this point.

Doesn't mean you still can't try, that's just my opinion. I wish I had someone kind enough to tell me my first husband was never going to change and save me YEARS of heartache and depression.

 

I think you honestly have two choices. 1. Stay with him and accept that he is never going to be fully happy with you and is likely to hide things from you. 2. Get a divorce and find a man who seems capable of being happy and content with you.

 

IMVHO, he's the type of guy who doesn't really know what he wants. He's trying to force himself to want something that he doesn't ( marriage and kids and a 9-5) but he's not really happy with any of it. You can try counseling, but counseling won't make him want something that in his heart he does not want or does not make him happy. Maybe he thought it would, but it just isn't. I say this not to be cruel, just to give you a honest perspective. I personally think you deserve SO much more than what this man is either incapable or unwilling to give you.

 

I really appreciate this perspective. From where we were a few years ago we have made progress. However, like you said he never seems fully happy or fulfilled. I know he has always struggled with depression and anxiety, but it isn't an excuse for the lack of communication and honesty. Even if this was just a fetish for him I'd be ok with that, but I definitely feel he is holding something back, especially to the point that he is keeping it in a locked trunk.

 

I have some thinking to do. I know this isn't healthy (hence therapy) and at a certain point how much more can you give...even when you love someone.

[AJ4]

He actually did suggest I get a Male version for when we can't have sex and I said no freaking way and that I think it is insanely creepy to hump a doll...definitely agree he must have a fantasy to have sex with someone else and this is how he is acting it out. If it were really for me, he wouldn't be so veiled about it.

[shellyf62]

Can I ask, when will he be having sex with this doll?

When you and your children are home? When you are all asleep? When you guys are watching a movie & he goes out to "do things in the garage' ?

This is just way too creepy for me & I would be gone

[DancingFool]

He is veiled, because cheating in any form, real woman or plastic, is about lies and deceit. Duping you or others is what is making him hard. It's also a character/personality issue no amount of therapy can ever fix, although it can teach him how to drive it better underground, aka lie better.

 

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself - is this acceptable to you? How much are you willing to minimize who you are as a person, your needs in order to hang on to him? Also, how far are you willing to go to normalize his behaviors? What is acceptable to you and where/when do you stop? There is no right or wrong answer here, only what is right for you as this is your life to live.

[AJ4]

Can I ask, when will he be having sex with this doll?

When you and your children are home? When you are all asleep? When you guys are watching a movie & he goes out to "do things in the garage' ?

This is just way too creepy for me & I would be gone

 

Supposedly when they are at school and I'm at work. We do work opposite schedules but still have sex a few times a week. I say supposedly because who knows when he actually will do it, personally I'd be so embarrassed to be in his shoes, but I guess he feels justified.

[AJ4]

He is veiled, because cheating in any form, real woman or plastic, is about lies and deceit. Duping you or others is what is making him hard. It's also a character/personality issue no amount of therapy can ever fix, although it can teach him how to drive it better underground, aka lie better.

 

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself - is this acceptable to you? How much are you willing to minimize who you are as a person, your needs in order to hang on to him? Also, how far are you willing to go to normalize his behaviors? What is acceptable to you and where/when do you stop? There is no right or wrong answer here, only what is right for you as this is your life to live.

 

I've has many "last straws" and I guess have duped myself into giving in time and time again so I so blame myself a bit. Of course around our mutual friends and family he is totally doting, makes sweet posts about me and even just us together he mostly is really kind and easy going. It is that 1% that is just so extreme when he makes these destructive decisions that kills it all.

[Lambert]

I've has many "last straws" and I guess have duped myself into giving in time and time again so I so blame myself a bit. Of course around our mutual friends and family he is totally doting, makes sweet posts about me and even just us together he mostly is really kind and easy going. It is that 1% that is just so extreme when he makes these destructive decisions that kills it all.

 

Don't blame yourself for the past. You did what you did, at the time, it was what you wanted.

 

But hold yourself accountable to your future.

 

Are you lying to yourself it is 1%?

[shellyf62]

Supposedly when they are at school and I'm at work. We do work opposite schedules but still have sex a few times a week. I say supposedly because who knows when he actually will do it, personally I'd be so embarrassed to be in his shoes, but I guess he feels justified.

 

He obviously isnt embarrassed or he wouldnt have bought the Doll.

You both have different attitudes & opinions on this. I would listen to yours.

[Hollyj]

If your kids found the doll, how would you explain it?

[dias]

If your kids found the doll, how would you explain it?

 

"Dad is doing cardio to improve his health and stamina"

[LaHermes]

Well, OP, I am glad that you have reached this insight:

 

"I think it is insanely creepy to hump a doll..."

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately like many abusive relationships, you are playing the whack a mole game with all the issues.

 

First it's cheating, then it's road rage, then it's yelling and screaming, then it's threats to kill your cat

 

And now it's his Stepford wife doll.

Even if he gets rid of it, there will be some other equally damaging things around the corner.

[AJ4]

I'm going to ask him about it further today, try to get to the root of the reasoning. We've actually been having sex more (?) so IDK what to think, but I can't sit around wondering forever, and I am hoping that he will open up to me. He has been emotionally abusive in the past, but I'm not convinced this is along the same lines. IF he doesn't open up about the real reasoning and searches for excuses and lies, then that is going to be a motivator for me to make a plan. I think he at least owes me the truth after everything we've been through and all of the times I've stretched myself to make things work. He is very reactive to changes and we did move to a new house in March, so I'm wondering if that may be a factor. He's gained A LOT of weight this year as well...to the point that my family was concerned about him during their last visit. Maybe it is like a few of you said, and no matter what, he will never be fulfilled by this marriage and just stays in out of convenience.

[redswim30]

I've has many "last straws" and I guess have duped myself into giving in time and time again so I so blame myself a bit. Of course around our mutual friends and family he is totally doting, makes sweet posts about me and even just us together he mostly is really kind and easy going. It is that 1% that is just so extreme when he makes these destructive decisions that kills it all.

 

This hits close to home for me, cause I have been there. My ex was the same way, perfectly charming in public. But, NO ONE KNOWS what goes on behind closed doors. No one else is married to him but YOU. It's you who has to be happy, AJ. Don't you think you deserve to be happy? I know what it's like to want someone to be who you know they CAN be. I waited for years and years for that to happen, but it never did. I stayed in the marriage way longer than I should have, trying to hold onto a person and a relationship that only really existed in my head. Even now, I think " Why did I stay so long?" Now I am happily remarried. And the difference is night and day. I don't have to compromise who I am or what I will tolerate anymore. While my current husband is by no means perfect, he does actually love me, treat me with respect and here's the BIGGEST thing- Actually WANTS to be married to me. The past is the past- You are smarter now. Don't let mistakes of your past guilt you into dictating your future. You still have the power to change your future. Maybe staying with him WAS the choice you needed to make in the past- that doesn't mean you have to CONTINUE to make that choice NOW.

 

Again, nothing YOU can do is going to change him, how he feels, or what he wants. I learned that the hard way. Maybe he IS a great son and friend and father. He can be all those things and still be a bad husband. Maybe he really does care about you as a person, but doesn't want you as a wife and is trying different things to try and "force" himself to want it. If that's the case, his efforts are in vain because at the end of the day, he's just lying to himself and you. And that doesn't make anyone happy in the long term.

 

The question is, AJ, do you want to be married to someone who has to try and "trick himself" into wanting this marriage. Or do you want to find someone who actually does want to be with you.

 

If I may- I'd love for you to try something. Sometimes when we face our worst fears, it makes us realize what we really want. Go somewhere alone, someplace that has no connection to you as a couple. A place that makes you happy and either write a physical list or just think about what would happen if you got divorced. What would that look like? How would that feel? I don't know, only you will.

 

Just remember this, too. You don't have to hate someone's guts to want a divorce. You can love someone enormously and still know that a relationship with them is not good or what one or both of you really wants. There have been people I have loved, but knew that a relationship with was not healthy.

What if he was your friend and co- parent but you had someone else in your life who fulfilled you as a romantic partner - just think about that. How does the thought of that make you feel?

 

Best of luck to you, truly.

[smackie9]

He's doting, and nice when people are looking, it hides his ugliness. That is what psychopaths do. They are cons, manipulators. He wasn't honest about the doll at all...he did it behind your back, saved for it, purchased it before even talking to you about it. Therapy hasn't done anything for him....he just dodged around it. He is still the same, and he doesn't care. It's all about him. He just says what everyone wants to hear. That's what cheating liars do. He made it look like things were doing well in therapy...it all part of the act.

[redswim30]

I'm going to ask him about it further today, try to get to the root of the reasoning. We've actually been having sex more (?) so IDK what to think, but I can't sit around wondering forever, and I am hoping that he will open up to me. He has been emotionally abusive in the past, but I'm not convinced this is along the same lines. IF he doesn't open up about the real reasoning and searches for excuses and lies, then that is going to be a motivator for me to make a plan. I think he at least owes me the truth after everything we've been through and all of the times I've stretched myself to make things work. He is very reactive to changes and we did move to a new house in March, so I'm wondering if that may be a factor. He's gained A LOT of weight this year as well...to the point that my family was concerned about him during their last visit. Maybe it is like a few of you said, and no matter what, he will never be fulfilled by this marriage and just stays in out of convenience.

 

 

 

I don't want to alarm you, but it is quite common for people having affairs to have more sex with their spouse to avoid suspicion or just to use a coping mechanism for something wrong. IMVHO, he is still being emotionally abusive to you. Here's the thing, AJ- you won't really know if he's telling the truth or not. It will all come down to if you believe him or not. Buying a house is a sense of permanence for a couple. Most are happy about it. From everything you're saying, he sounds depressed. Reacting to house, gaining weight like crazy, trying to fill voids with sex- both you and the doll. Sounds like he's severely unhappy and trying out every avoidance tactic that he can think of. IMVHO, I don't believe he's really worked out any of his issues.

 

IMO, Best case scenario- He really does love and care about you as a person, but just doesn't want this life with you and doesn't know how to tell you/proceed. So, he's in severe denial or trying what he thinks he can to force himself into it. And this is all making him severely depressed that he can't force himself to want this.

 

Worst case scenario- He wants out and is just biding his time. Which could still be making him depressed.

 

Just out of curiosity, do you think there is any potential that he might be gay? Have you seen the doll? Do you know if it's "male" or "female"? Maybe I'm far off, I'm just very curious why he is hiding it since he already told you about it. It could be a safe way for him to "experiment"- Just a thought. It could also explain a lot about his deep unhappiness.

 

Problem is, none of those is great. Cause the one scenario/possibility that I DON'T see is- he is happy with you and in this lifestyle with you, whatever the case or explanation. I think you already know this, too. The question is- are you willing to settle for this for the rest of your life?

[Lambert]

I'm going to ask him about it further today, try to get to the root of the reasoning. We've actually been having sex more (?) so IDK what to think, but I can't sit around wondering forever, and I am hoping that he will open up to me. He has been emotionally abusive in the past, but I'm not convinced this is along the same lines. IF he doesn't open up about the real reasoning and searches for excuses and lies, then that is going to be a motivator for me to make a plan. I think he at least owes me the truth after everything we've been through and all of the times I've stretched myself to make things work. He is very reactive to changes and we did move to a new house in March, so I'm wondering if that may be a factor. He's gained A LOT of weight this year as well...to the point that my family was concerned about him during their last visit. Maybe it is like a few of you said, and no matter what, he will never be fulfilled by this marriage and just stays in out of convenience.

Its such a bummer that you are continuing to bear the brunt of your husband's lack of participation in the marriage. Jekyll and hyde, depression, cheating, and such little effort, as to make you value any effort as "grateful and appreciative".

 

And here you go again with the definition of insanity, doing same things, expecting different results. Like today is the day he surprises you. yeah right.

 

I really hope you reach a point where you take all this effort for him and turn it inward. if your self esteem and confidence was higher, you would see this guy is a loser.

 

you are not to blame. years ago my ex was also a jekyll and hyde.... sent me flowers to work, was always available for family get together, good time guy.... but in private? drunk, angry, miserable, selfish, sometimes down right emotionally abusive.

 

Over the years this change happened... little by little, I was getting beat down. And every time I forgave, I loved him less. Until it was gone. It was hard to end things but so happy I did.

 

Honestly, one day I thought... this is not what I want my life to be.

 

I look back on stuff and think WHAT WAS I THINKING!

 

You need to ask yourself.... What are you thinking? how much more are you going to swallow?

 

Sadly, you're tolerance level is so high. Are you even in there?

[boltnrun]

You are willing to do anything, put up with anything, just to keep him.

 

What efforts is he making to keep you?

[Hollyj]

"dad is doing cardio to improve his health and stamina"

 

lol!...............

[Spawn]

ehh ouch this is weird and disrespectful.

He needs to go back to therapy may be a different therapist or may be a psychiatrist

He thinks having sex with a doll is way better than doing it with you.

Whatever reasons he is giving you is only making him feel good and right about all this.Something is definitely wrong with him.

[Wiseman2]

Why talk at him yet again looking for 'sense' or 'truth'? As a typical abuser does, he blamed it on you.

 

Honestly. Talk to your doctor privately and confidentially. Then go to a licensed qualified psychologist (not a faith-based marriage counselor who tells you all this abuse is ok) just for yourself privately and confidentially.

 

Do not tell him and do not discuss it with him. What you need is a sane and professional view on this. You are drowning in a sea of gaslighting and cognitive dissonance.

I really tried to talk to him and get down to why he wanted it to begin with, and he claims that it's for when we go long stretches without sex because of work

[AJ4]

I reached out to a crisis center for abuse, obviously they were alarmed by all of the red flags. They have a group meeting next week and they want me to do an intake and go to the meeting, so I'm going to start there. I will be able to play it off as a work meeting. Today he snapped over the most ridiculous thing...went to the store to get a few things, he asked for mayo, I got the "wrong one" and then his response (in front of the kids) was "don't buy me things I don't ask for" and he threw the mayo I got in the trash. Totally extreme. Whatever he's going through I can't do this anymore, especially with the kids getting older. Just know I read all of these responses and I truly appreciate constructive feedback. I know I've enabled him for a LONG time, mostly because he is in a position to take the kids from me (financially better off/could get a better lawyer). I hope that the screen shots I have of his comments across the years will be enough, I also hope he doesn't take retaliation on my kids, it really worries me. He has never escalated to physical abuse but I am concerned he could if he feels threatened enough. I don't think he has any inkling that I would actually consider leaving him.

 

I am going to be wiping my browser history after this but will try to come back to read any other comments. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Keep all your activities thoughts and feelings private.

I reached out to a crisis center for abuse, obviously they were alarmed by all of the red flags. They have a group meeting next week and they want me to do an intake and go to the meeting, so I'm going to start there.

[DancingFool]

Please check out the blog chumplady.com - yes it's for those who've been cheated on and really know it and I know you don't believe he did, but what you might benefit from and find eye opening are all the comments from posters about the covert abuse they've suffered for years and years, sweeping it all under the rug because they really had no idea what they are dealing with. You'll probably find a lot of eye opening descriptions of behaviors that match up to your situation at large. Also, please google covert, as well as, malignant narcissism.

 

Most people are not familiar with that and what that looks like, as most information about narcissism talks a lot about the obvious - blustering, grandiose, loud and in your face, etc. Takes some digging to find out more about other varieties of the same disorder and the more insidious and more dangerous manifestations of such which is what I'm afraid you are living with.

 

Regarding lawyers, please don't cut yourself short. Little known fact is that lawyers can make the spouse who is better off financially pay for ALL legal fees - his and yours. Aggressive, top notch lawyers know this well and will advise you accordingly. They can even get temp spousal support out of him as you separate and go through the divorce. If you do decide to divorce, please please interview the absolute best, most aggressive, most feared pitbull divorce lawyers in your area - like all of them and pay for the consult and document it. Why? Because after a paid consult, they can't take on your husband as a client - conflict of interest rules kick in. Document all meetings for yourself, so if any of them even dare bend that rule, you can tell whichever lawyer you chose to hire and let them nail the other side and get them to withdraw. You do NOT have inferior resources and that's so important for you to understand. Sure, you may talk to 5 lawyers who just bs you and tell you here is the huge retainer you must pay them - don't get discouraged, keep looking, keep researching, ask around discretely of who might know of a raging pitbull lawyer, the work you put into that will be worth it, as well as the advice and representation you get.