My Husband Purchased a Sex Doll - Thoughts?

[AJ4]

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have been through a lot, but with counseling and opening up communication we have been able to make progress in our relationship. We have two children. We both work full-time, but are still able to have sex or be sexual at least a few times a week. Over the last year he has brought up the idea of a "real doll" for himself...and he finally purchased one. I guess I'm glad he didn't hide it, but I just find it weird, and beyond a normal "toy." I have "toys" but they don't go as far as an anatomically perfect male life size doll.

 

I really tried to talk to him and get down to why he wanted it to begin with, and he claims that it's for when we go long stretches without sex because of work, and so that he can "practice" for when we do have sex so that he doesn't get over-excited - basically to build up some stamina. To an extent that makes sense, but what's wrong with a fleshlight or regular masturbation? When I bring that up, he says he will just return it then....but that isn't the point. Returning it won't address why he wanted it in the first place...and I feel like it goes beyond masturbation? He bought a large container to keep it in our closet (with a padlock). I just find it SO weird...and I am not sheltered sexually, I have many of my own toys. IDK I guess I need some thoughts, what you all would think in this situation. Again, I am grateful he didn't hide it from me, and I realize it is a material item and not a real person, but I can't help but feel some sense of insecurity.

 

TIA!

[smackie9]

He's full of it! If he wants to "practice" he would be having discussions on trying new things out with you. In my eyes, even if it's not a real person, he's stepping out on your marriage. It makes you uncomfortable...well hun, I think it would make any woman uncomfortable. I would rethink about this marriage.

[AJ4]

He's full of it! If he wants to "practice" he would be having discussions on trying new things out with you. In my eyes, even if it's not a real person, he's stepping out on your marriage. It makes you uncomfortable...well hun, I think it would make any woman uncomfortable. I would rethink about this marriage.

 

Thank you. I feel like it wasn't my place to say yes or no (he's an adult), but I guess the fact that he went as far as to save for it and buy it just bothers me. If it was ANY other sex toy (literally) I think I'd be fine with it, but this is just so extreme. As I said, him returning it won't really "solve" anything either so I feel a bit stuck emotionally on this one. Plus, I feel turned off to sex with him now in a sense because I'm wondering if he's "comparing" sex with me to what he does with the doll. It is a 100% perfect and VERY realistic sex doll. He swears it has nothing to do with me that he got it and that he's happy with me but man I really can't help but feel he is skirting around a bigger issue. I'd rather have honesty and take a hit to my ego if he isn't as attracted to me now than have him lying about why he got the doll to begin with...

[dias]

I reversed the roles in my imagination to get a better understanding. Yeah, it's very very weird.

 

I don't understand why would someone use a doll when he has a real woman.....

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Your husband has his own sex life with this thing and other women.

 

Unfortunately it seems like there are still many unresolved issues in the marriage:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524932&p=6689884&viewfull=1#post6689884

I feel turned off to sex with him now in a sense because I'm wondering if he's "comparing" sex with me to what he does with the doll.

[Fudgie]

I wouldn't get upset with him right away, there's more to this here. People who get real dolls usually have a fetish or something that draws them to the dolls. Not really a matter of you vs. a doll.

 

I'm glad that he was open with you. I think you two need to talk though and see if you can get him to open up as to the real reason. I wouldn't be surprised if he has some closet fetish and this doll is his way of indulging. Some people who are into dolls do so because sometimes, they want a totally submissive/wordless partner. Not all the time just sometimes. He still wants sex with you.

 

Here's what I would do: read up about real dolls. Go online and read what users say about them. Maybe reach out to some and talk about your experience and try to get a handle on what makes them want a real doll. There ARE married couples out there in which one person partakes.

 

After this, sit down and talk to him. Tell him what you found and that you really are curious and open minded and want to know the real reason. Thank him for being honest with you in the first place.

 

I think this could be a real good moment for your marriage moving forward in terms of building trust. You have come so far, I wouldn't throw it away yet over a doll.

[AJ4]

Sorry to hear this. Your husband has his own sex life with this thing and other women.

 

Unfortunately it seems like there are still many unresolved issues in the marriage:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524932&p=6689884&viewfull=1#post6689884

 

That particular situation was resolved through therapy. We have made progress, so I'm hoping to find some resolution with this situation as well.

[AJ4]

I wouldn't get upset with him right away, there's more to this here. People who get real dolls usually have a fetish or something that draws them to the dolls. Not really a matter of you vs. a doll.

 

I'm glad that he was open with you. I think you two need to talk though and see if you can get him to open up as to the real reason. I wouldn't be surprised if he has some closet fetish and this doll is his way of indulging. Some people who are into dolls do so because sometimes, they want a totally submissive/wordless partner. Not all the time just sometimes. He still wants sex with you.

 

Here's what I would do: read up about real dolls. Go online and read what users say about them. Maybe reach out to some and talk about your experience and try to get a handle on what makes them want a real doll. There ARE married couples out there in which one person partakes.

 

After this, sit down and talk to him. Tell him what you found and that you really are curious and open minded and want to know the real reason. Thank him for being honest with you in the first place.

 

I think this could be a real good moment for your marriage moving forward in terms of building trust. You have come so far, I wouldn't throw it away yet over a doll.

 

I appreciate this. I think there might be something he wants to act out on the doll that he's afraid to ask me to do, maybe? Not sure. He assures me it isn't me and is 100% him...I'm just trying to mentally come to some kind of understanding of it but still feel hung up.

[Fudgie]

I appreciate this. I think there might be something he wants to act out on the doll that he's afraid to ask me to do, maybe? Not sure. He assures me it isn't me and is 100% him...I'm just trying to mentally come to some kind of understanding of it but still feel hung up.

 

I think it is him, and not you. He still wants to have sex with you regularly. He's not giving you up for the doll. They is another reason here and you just don't know it yet. I don't think it's necessarily sinister either. Human sexuality is freaking weird.

[DancingFool]

He has cheated on you before and well.....this is a sort of stepping out without stepping out being that it's just a toy after all. Of course he isn't going to explain to you that this is how he is going around the whole "you are not the boss of me and I want to cheat on you and fck some strange" without you actually being able to blame him for cheating. It's just a kink honey......or as he put - practice for your sake.

 

I'm also a bit amused at how grateful you are that he was honest about it....like how was he going to hide a life size doll from you exactly? Your standards are still very low and you are still playing the "cool" wife and it's still not working out for you.

[melancholy123]

My guess is he wants to have sex with another woman, who is real, but he cant do that, so a doll would be second choice. He can get his rocks off with her and yet be his idea of faithful to you. I'd be creeped out if this happened to me. There's more to this than meets the eye.

[AJ4]

He has cheated on you before and well.....this is a sort of stepping out without stepping out being that it's just a toy after all. Of course he isn't going to explain to you that this is how he is going around the whole "you are not the boss of me and I want to cheat on you and fck some strange" without you actually being able to blame him for cheating. It's just a kink honey......or as he put - practice for your sake.

 

I'm also a bit amused at how grateful you are that he was honest about it....like how was he going to hide a life size doll from you exactly? Your standards are still very low and you are still playing the "cool" wife and it's still not working out for you.

 

To be "fair" the woman he took that trip with never had sex with him and as it eventually turned out she was extremely upset that he hadn't told me clearly what they were doing, she is not attracted to him and was really embarrassed about the entire thing. Maybe lies, who knows, but as far as that situation is concerned I've put it behind me. The few posts I've made here are a snapshot of ty situations in my marriage that I can't talk to family members about. Maybe it is time for me to move on but I try to work on things before jumping to that. I admit this is bothering me more than I want it to though, especially after everything I've gone through with him already. I can agree it seems a bit of a control move, maybe.

[Wiseman2]

It's sad you keep trying to wrap your head around all this creepy stuff to hang on to him.

That particular situation was resolved through therapy. We have made progress, so I'm hoping to find some resolution with this situation as well.

[Hollyj]

I would be so turned off. If he is having regular sex with you, then why this doll?! Stop trying to normalize, this is weird!

 

Considering your past and the weird behavior, don't you think you should rethink your marriage? You continue to stay with him, as it is not as bad as the past. Good lord, your standards are so low. What do your friends say about all of his behavior.?

[MissCanuck]

To be "fair" the woman he took that trip with never had sex with him and as it eventually turned out she was extremely upset that he hadn't told me clearly what they were doing, she is not attracted to him and was really embarrassed about the entire thing. Maybe lies, who knows, but as far as that situation is concerned I've put it behind me.

 

That may be true, but I don't think his previous cheating and his new sex doll are unrelated.

 

It sounds to me like he still wants sex with other women, but the real doll is the "closest" he can get without actually cheating on you again. The doll in and of itself is strange, but I would be very concerned about his real motivation to use it.

 

You need to step back and look at the bigger picture.

[Hollyj]

Does he still have anger issues: ]"Lately his behavior has really escalated. The last week has been especially bad. Yesterday we had to go to a family gathering and he got the worst road rage I've ever seen and was screaming obscene things and kept saying he was going to crash the car. I was terrified and begged him to turn around but he wouldn't. Thank God we didn't get in an accident. Then he put on a happy face for his family but again on the way home had terrible road rage. When we got home the cat was sick with diarrhea and he was cursing and screaming at the cat and threatening to kick it out into the woods. This is a cat he normally loves and has had for 10 years and has been his constant companion. Luckily I was able to save the cat...for today anyway."

 

Seems like there have been many issues.

[AJ4]

Does he still have anger issues: ]"Lately his behavior has really escalated. The last week has been especially bad. Yesterday we had to go to a family gathering and he got the worst road rage I've ever seen and was screaming obscene things and kept saying he was going to crash the car. I was terrified and begged him to turn around but he wouldn't. Thank God we didn't get in an accident. Then he put on a happy face for his family but again on the way home had terrible road rage. When we got home the cat was sick with diarrhea and he was cursing and screaming at the cat and threatening to kick it out into the woods. This is a cat he normally loves and has had for 10 years and has been his constant companion. Luckily I was able to save the cat...for today anyway."

 

Seems like there have been many issues.

 

No, he doesn't. That incident happened 6 years ago and he was diagnosed with a disorder that causes him to have outbursts due to big transitions (moving/children/etc). He manages his anger well now.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't know if it's the doll or the box/coffin-like thing that's in your house that is a bit adams family/bates motel. I'm all for open-minded love and whatever floats a couple's boat but not having those answers and feeling insecure is painful for you. This doesn't seem like a decision that was mutual or one that was made with mutual excitement.

 

That would be what would bother me the most about this arrangement - lack of mutual agreement. I think whatever hesitations or conversations you need to have with your husband needs to happen sooner rather than later. The fact of the matter is he shouldn't have gone out and purchased something like this without you being 100% onboard. Both of you are now operating as individuals sexually and that doesn't add to trust in a relationship.

 

You're quietening your opinions and I have to ask why. Are you fearful of how he will react or are you fearful of him completely turning away from you? That lack of communication or hesitancy to communicate is a huge red flag in the relationship. I'd try turning this more towards the lack of communication the both of you have going on. This doll appears to be a product of that lack of communication between the both of you.

[Lambert]

Thank you. I feel like it wasn't my place to say yes or no (he's an adult), but I guess the fact that he went as far as to save for it and buy it just bothers me. If it was ANY other sex toy (literally) I think I'd be fine with it, but this is just so extreme. As I said, him returning it won't really "solve" anything either so I feel a bit stuck emotionally on this one. Plus, I feel turned off to sex with him now in a sense because I'm wondering if he's "comparing" sex with me to what he does with the doll. It is a 100% perfect and VERY realistic sex doll. He swears it has nothing to do with me that he got it and that he's happy with me but man I really can't help but feel he is skirting around a bigger issue. I'd rather have honesty and take a hit to my ego if he isn't as attracted to me now than have him lying about why he got the doll to begin with...

I understand what you mean... not wanting to say yes or no as he is his own person

 

BUT!

 

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have your own feelings about this. And how it makes you feel. Creating insecurities in you and turning you off to him, are real issues.

 

Had he talked to you first, (a mistake on his part, I think, which is symptom of a different problem in your relationship) but, had he talked to you first, you could have told him how you feel and then he could have made a decision.

 

It sounds like maybe you're not really being validated and supported, as one would hope to be in a marriage or commited relationship.

 

In a healthy relationship, I think there's more discussion and compromise because two people are working toward the same goal... especially sexually. Its not like he wants to join a bowling league and you don't.

 

I would try to talk to him about this and listen to his response, too. Its like Oprah says, when you're fighting about the dishes, its not about the dishes.

 

There are underlying issues in a dysfunctional relationship that has infidelity and secrets and it takes both people being a little more transparent than what he seems to be.

 

Is it a cop out that he didn't tell you in advance before buying this? or did he know how you'd feel and decided to do what was best for him?

 

That's the real issue. you might be married but he's doing him and expecting you to accept it.

[LaHermes]

I echo Holly here:

 

"I would be so turned off. If he is having regular sex with you, then why this doll?! Stop trying to normalize, this is weird!"

 

And also what Ms. Canuck said:

 

"That may be true, but I don't think his previous cheating and his new sex doll are unrelated.

 

It sounds to me like he still wants sex with other women, but the real doll is the "closest" he can get without actually cheating on you again. The doll in and of itself is strange, but I would be very concerned about his real motivation to use it.

 

You need to step back and look at the bigger picture."

 

 

I'd be creeped out too!

 

And the core of the matter, well uttered by Wiseman:

 

"It's sad you keep trying to wrap your head around all this creepy stuff to hang on to him."

 

And you actually believe this stuff AJ?!

 

".....so that he can "practice" for when we do have sex so that he doesn't get over-excited - basically to build up some stamina"

[SherrySher]

To be honest, it sounds as though he wants more excitement than what is going on between you and him, so instead of cheating, he is using the next best thing.

He can pretend it's a real woman, get his jollies off and still stay loyal to his marriage.

 

It would depend on the person if they would accept this, or not. I think many women would have issue with it, as no one would want their man getting excited over another woman (even a plastic one).

However, if you are okay with it, at least he's getting satisfied and not actually cheating with a real life woman?

 

It's up to you though on what you can deal with, or not.

[HeartGoesOn]

 

It would depend on the person if they would accept this, or not. I think many women would have issue with it, as no one would want their man getting excited over another woman (even a plastic one).

 

 

 

Sherry--My coffee just hit the screen. Dying...

[SherrySher]

It's the first time I ever used that sentence in my life.

[redswim30]

OP, please know that I say this for your own good and out of care for you.

 

From all your threads, I'm sorry to tell you that your husband just doesn't seem to be happy in this marriage. I'm not saying it's you or that you are doing anything wrong. I'm saying there's something inside him that feels unfulfilled.

 

Honestly, he's showing all the classic signs of my ex. Having "friendly" overnight stays with another woman, acting like she's just a friend. Always depressed. Making excuses to not share everything with you.

 

Don't mistake him TELLING you about the doll for honesty. He hasn't told you the real reason he has it or WHY he needs to keep it locked up since he DID tell you. He may be "practicing" but I don't think it's for you.

 

You have two kids together, so I know you want this to work. However, I think with all the consistent issues you've had with him, I don't know that counseling will make much of a difference at this point.

Doesn't mean you still can't try, that's just my opinion. I wish I had someone kind enough to tell me my first husband was never going to change and save me YEARS of heartache and depression.

 

I think you honestly have two choices. 1. Stay with him and accept that he is never going to be fully happy with you and is likely to hide things from you. 2. Get a divorce and find a man who seems capable of being happy and content with you.

 

IMVHO, he's the type of guy who doesn't really know what he wants. He's trying to force himself to want something that he doesn't ( marriage and kids and a 9-5) but he's not really happy with any of it. You can try counseling, but counseling won't make him want something that in his heart he does not want or does not make him happy. Maybe he thought it would, but it just isn't. I say this not to be cruel, just to give you a honest perspective. I personally think you deserve SO much more than what this man is either incapable or unwilling to give you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he relates to inanimate objects better than living things or people with feelings. He is abusive. Maybe his doll is the best partner for him.

"Lately his behavior has really escalated. The last week has been especially bad. Yesterday we had to go to a family gathering and he got the worst road rage I've ever seen and was screaming obscene things and kept saying he was going to crash the car. I was terrified and begged him to turn around but he wouldn't. Thank God we didn't get in an accident. Then he put on a happy face for his family but again on the way home had terrible road rage. When we got home the cat was sick with diarrhea and he was cursing and screaming at the cat and threatening to kick it out into the woods. This is a cat he normally loves and has had for 10 years and has been his constant companion. Luckily I was able to save the cat...for today anyway."