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tough situation


NewDater

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Here is my story.

 

I got married into a big family about 8 years ago. The first couple years went well. Typical stuff, watching football games and getting together with family and in-laws. We moved into a home. I had step daughter that was understanding of me and we got along. She usually had butted heads with her mom.

 

We lived in a decent neighborhood. All went normal and well within the first few years. Although my wife always was hot tempered and curses a lot. This gradually increased and got worst as the years went on. I find it disrespectful and verbally abusive. At one point my dad had to stay with us for a few months after going through a hardship and break up. My wife was ok with it. She tried to get close to her father again but turned into my drug use and mischievous. Our house has zero tolerance for this even weed.

 

Years went on and my step daughter graduated from high school. At this time she decided to make her exit plan and live from place to place and going from boy friend to boy friend while abusing drugs. This got worst as the years went on. We let her back in three times before and I knew it would not work but just to please the wife I was like whatever. All three times she left the house again to go live on her own and on the streets. She can’t keep a job, has no work ethic, stop reading books, and just sits at home with her jail bird boyfriend recently pregnant. She has abused drugs (hard drugs as well) for many years and refuses to go in a program. The pregnancy was due to being irresponsible and drugs. She is not even stable to take care of her self and can’t even pay her own cellphone bill which I pay. She is 23 now pregnant. No car. No job. No school and no goals. And still smokes weed and cigarettes.

 

My concern here is why should I enable some else’s bad decisions because she refuses to go in a any kind program become independent and get a job and continue education. We always steered her and guide her on right path but she took her own. I will say she has issues with her dad who he is an addict.

 

I’d also add my wife’s sister were bad influences when she was 18 trying to be her parent but instead influenced her to live home at 18. My wife no longer talks to her siblings. Holds resentment against them. Does not talk my dad as well and has expectations he does not return the favors we did to him when he lived with us. Now he is married and moved out. My wife works part time and doesn’t want to work full time. Always complains daily and not happy. We both agree the child should go up for adoption. However. She feels obligated to be there for her daughter. This is a problem for me as I see her moving back home with this kid at 24/25 years old. No job no money and no future. I see this is enabling bad decisions. I’ve been through recovery when I was young. I got rewarded with sobriety and making right choices. I have zero tolerance for drug use age and not making right decisions in life. You dot. Get rewarded for not doing the work. I see this is high level enabling for someone who does not want to do what it takes to get well mentally and be responsible and productive member of society. This would be a different situation if she was in school and go accidentally pregnant. but this si not the case. it was her being irresponsible and on drugs. SHe think she can quit drugs cold turkey. I beleive she may be only smoking weed lightly now and no where near where she needs to be in her mind mentally and emotionally. like a 17 year old in a 23 year old body.

 

Am I being selfish? I really do not believe so. These are none my actions. And I see her already using the baby as a manipulation tactic with her mom. I’m not sure what the future holds I’m this family. As now my wife cut ties with all her siblings and my dad. In addition, she is very controlling. Doesn’t want me to tell my dad what is going on with me but she can tell her parents and friends. Seems fishy. She also questions me and my dads relationship. Surely dad has flaws we all don’t it he is still my dad and has my best interest.

 

She Does not like my dad or his wife. Her resentment and thinking they show favoritism.

These are th major things. Of course, there is almost daily vulgarity and verbal abuse. We are completely opposites. Now. I’m an active morning person who likes to workout and eat healthy. She cannot sleep at night and gets mad when I wake up to workout because she can’t sleep at night. I’ve been patient with her as she had some mild depression through her daughters actions , her sisters going against her parenting and her weight gain but years later things seem to get worst.

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I'm not sure what your question is. Do you feel exhausted? Or like you're ready to throw the towel in? I'm sorry to hear this. I went back in your earlier posts and they were also showing some signs of strife and difficult relationships with your partner and her daughter. Regarding your step-daughter the most you can do is be supportive and speak with her mother about how you want to handle having her in the house. People can feel resentment and your resentment towards her isn't healthy for anyone in the family. It sounds like both of you are suffering due to your step-daughter and having her in the home, her actions and her recurring drug use.

 

The priority should be the baby as that's the most innocent creature in this picture. It hasn't even been born yet and it's exposed to regular drug use and cigarettes and a lot of dysfunction. Have you talked about taking your step-daughter to a clinic for a full check up or regular check ups or discussed options or help on quitting smoking and the weed? What else do you know about the father of the child? Your write up suggests he has a criminal record. Is he getting clean or has he turned over a new leaf or is he in a gang or also on drugs or a drug dealer?

 

If you're feeling resentful and jealous or upset that the baby and your step-daughter are getting all the attention, I hope you realize that line of thinking has to stop. I think they're looking to you to be a better role model and bring the family together in a less divisive way. You should be clear with your wife that your dad and his wife plays a large part in your life and they are important to you.

 

It seems odd to me for a partner of 8 years to try and isolate you from your own (aging or older?) father. I can understand if she's very embarrassed about the issues with her daughter and is hoping for your side of the family not to think badly of the three of you and the baby or have a bad impression of what's going on. This seems like the more likely case to me rather trying to isolate you just for the sake of it. The person you should be speaking up with is your wife. Do you? What are her reactions like? Communicate better and try coming at things a bit more neutrally without putting the blame on each other.

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How did you ever get together with this woman? You and her sound like night and day. At least from what I read.

 

Her family is very dysfunctional and you're right, she does enable it. Your stepdaughter holding her hand out for money or even considering asking to move back in, is unacceptable. I assume there are welfare/social assistance programs, where you are? If so, she can get help through them. But you shouldn't be offering money or opening the door for her.

She should be getting proper help, even if that means detox. But if her mom keeps making it easy for her, nothing will ever change.

 

You need to sit down and talk to your wife and tell her all of your thoughts, good and bad, etc. Work together through all of your issues and try to come to some kind of compromise.

However, if she is unwilling or you can't come to any kind of agreements on different issues, then you do have to consider that this marriage might not be working anymore.

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Do you and your wife both work? Continue to go to your sobriety support groups and leave the parenting issues up to your wife. Don't allow drugs in the house and stop using.

 

Don't pay for the girl's phone and don't allow the BF in the house. It's not your call to decide if the child gets adopted.

 

You need to get ALL the drugs and drug users out of the house.

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You are correct. they are programs out there. i have 18 years clean and i used one of them. thanks for your insight.

 

this is a mess. Everything started going downhill as soon as the step daughter left after high school graduation. My parents kicked me out the house at 24 and i went back to school and made something of myself and became successful. I have zero tolerance for bad decisions and drug usage. I should not let others people bad decisions affect our lifestyle or success.

 

I fear that i already see this. it is not working between the two couple and she will need to lean on us again and have a baby this time. Should not be on me that you chose to use drugs and put your self in this situation and have take car of baby and not choosing to go into a program is my biggest problem. Yeah me and the wife talked about it and she knows i dont agree. She says she needs to become independent and pay her own cell phone bill but that isn't happening. talk is cheap. My wife knows how to do tough love and knows what i want to hear it but never follows through and back fires on. me. for example, the cell phone. we told her to start paying us but i havent got a dime and now the wife says lets help her out with that now. To me thats just the beginning. Even if she quit drugs on her own her mind is not stable without a solid program. We had offered her several chances to become independent. i even helped her go to college which she left/quit and got on drugs with some boy.

 

i see this happening. she will come home single with a baby several montsh from now becaue they are already fighting. my wife says the baby will need to go to daycare and she will have to do something with her life but i keep hearing that. and she says if this is what it takes for her to stay sober. ill accept it. i dont think i could ever accept it. Guess hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

 

PS - this was a very old acct i had and those posts are very old in my history and nothing to do with my wife.

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A baby will not make her stay sober. My ex went to prison after he and his wife (not me) had two kids. He went because he was stealing to support his habit and he got caught. He hasn't seen his kids since he got out.

 

So no, a baby will just make her a drug user with a baby who will need to be fed, clothed and housed.

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Just like a reformed smokers who are vocal around those who still smoke.....You should know, it's the drugs, not the girl that is causing the behavior...the using, cheating, lying, making bad choices, refusing treatment. If there is a family history of drug use and abuse, then the chances of addition is very very high.

 

Make the steps to talk to your wife with a drug counselor....talk about the enabling, etc. Then have a family/friends intervention...a very serious one. Just like the TV show, offer treatment. If she refuses, there will be no more contact, and you will be contacting child welfare in regards to her unborn baby. Tough love for both your wife and her daughter.

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Guess hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

 

I agree with Smackie on seeking help. I think this is beyond what your wife or you can deal with without the aid and support of care workers or drug counsellors. Seek some guidelines or feedback from someone trained in dealing with drugs and drug abuse in families. This has continued too long.

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Given the family history, has she ever had a full psychiatric evaluation? Lots of drug use is really people self medicating disorders that haven't been diagnosed or treated. So attacking the symptom, drug use/addiction, isn't going to work by itself.

 

I think you are also in a poor position to judge the situation precisely because of your own experience. For you, tough love and treatment worked, but typically that works only for those few who got into things as a vice, but don't actually have coinciding or underlying issues. So kicking her out will do nothing more than speed her descent into the gutter and ultimately the grave. Offering to pay for college is pointless if she can't focus, etc. She needs serious help and expert psychiatrists who are capable of identifying what her underlying issues/disorders are in combination with expert addiction specialists. Without getting to the bottom of that, just treatment or just rehab isn't going to work from what you are describing, as it doesn't resolve the driving force behind the addiction.

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Rehab and tough love work for those who have decided they want to quit abusing substances. They have pretty much zero effect on those who don't want to stop or who don't believe they have a problem.

 

Are you and your wife fully prepared and willing to raise the baby after the daughter takes off and leaves the baby with you?

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