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An overreaction?


DannyM87

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Hi

 

So my now ex and I had a huge fallout over what i believe was an easy fix with proper communication. I just wish to gain some advice if this was a massive overreaction on her part. Bearing in mind, i have kids age 8 and 4, and she has kids age 17 and 12 who live with her.

 

So, a few weeks back now, i mentioned to her how would she like a weekend away just me and her, bit romantic, both excited. Ear marked end weekend in september. Then when excited at talking about it to her, we was bouncing ideas and hotels in the lake district, she sent me a hotel and asked what i thought of it and i instinctively just booked it on impulse. Told her its booked on booking.com free cancellation etc all good.

 

Last week, it dawned on me while on her couch talking about it that i hadn't put in place arrangements to see my kids, (i usually see them every weekend for now, until my shift pattern changes) so i said to her, listen may need to look at that weekend, i'm gonna have to book time off through the week to see my kids..

She said well what if the kids mum is funny and wont allow it? i said well i cant not see my kids, we will just have to rearrange it. I did say it as flippantly as can be, thats who i am at times. Note, the kids mum would be funny sometimes as shes that way inclined, yes its a difficult situation but most "single" dads are in the same position where if they wish to change a routine, they need to make arrangements first. She had a face on, wouldnt talk, i asked whats up babe? what have i said thats upset you? we tried to talk a bit more about it, but i said that i'm not dealing with a normal mother, she would make it as difficult as possible for me, i said that i made a up with planning, and that i should have put arrangements in place first. Nothing more was said.

 

2 days later i get an essay like text from her how she is questioning our future as she doesnt want to be second best. Thrown in the message how she gives up her free time to see my kids and spends her money on them (i didnt like this as it seemed she wants point scoring etc) And that the weekend now doesnt feel special to her anymore and that she doesnt want to go, because of the way i spoke about it so flippantly said i completely disregarded her and her kids. and was pissed off with how i spoke.

 

I said to her to please put herself in my situation where im in a constant battle to see my own kids, i have them when im off work on a weekend as thats the routine for now. The kids mum is up and down, i said that i apologise for the way i said what i said, it was never meant to disregard her and her kids and that id never ever do that. And that she would be only second best to my kids as i am to hers.

 

It went down hill from there as then it was "Well maybe you should plan things before you get me all excited for a weekend away to then make it feel by saying what you said" "So i am second best? thats what your saying to seeing your kids on a weekend? i cant be arsed with this" thought i was being shirty with her also.

 

I just want an honest opinion from you about this situation as i believe its a massive overreaction, and one that could have been easily solved with face to face communication (she didnt want to do that) its ultimately ended the relationship, there is more but it got childish. we both knew each others situations regarding the kids from day one as we was honest about that. Just need an honest say as it will help me understand where i myself have gone wrong and so i can learn from it but most importantly, move on.

 

Kind regards

Danny.

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My opinion is sometimes people choose to be mad, when they could work it out.

 

why? not sure...

 

It can be because of maturity level, coping abilities, or just fed up with the same old problem over and over.

 

Take solace in that you tried to repair things. You can only fix what she is also willing to fix.

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Sorry to hear this. There seems to be too much conflict trying to arrange anything with her.

 

Is this the same woman?: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565713&p=7235026&viewfull=1#post7235026

 

Oh, dear. This woman, OP?

 

In light of the most recent issue and now this, you really need to step back and ask yourself if this woman is worth the trouble. You're still in the honeymoon phase and are already seeing a lot of conflict. She has already shown you that she doesn't handle things in a very mature fashion and is quick to anger.

 

Reflect for a moment on the bigger picture here. It's not looking so great.

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I don't think you made enough of an effort but I can understand how hurt you may be because it was so abrupt. Even if it wasn't meant to be and the planning was a bit lacking on your part, she was probably put off by you making excuses about your poor co-parenting or the dynamics of the relationship you have with the mother of your kids. How she (your ex/mother of your kids) behaves is out of your hands but how you could have handled the planning a bit better was in your hands and it does seem a bit impulsive to make a booking and announce it to her without fully taking care of all the nitty gritty beforehand. The way booking.com works is it holds a spot for you and if it happens to be a free cancellation up to a certain date, you score by holding a spot with no obligations other than cancelling within the time limit (usually 24-48 hours before arrival, date of booking). This means you could have made the booking, kept it to yourself (securing that hotel in the background) and then still organized yourself better looking at your kids' schedule.

 

She made a comment in the previous thread that she wants a man, not a boy. This is a comment about your poor organization skills and it can turn some people off especially those who are organized enough to make room and show up to commitments they plan consistently. This may not be your forte either and if that's the case, your partner should be understanding about it if he/she is invested in a future with you. A reality check though: the more often you fail to plan properly the less people will trust you in future. This is just a given so don't expect miracles in trust if you can't prove that you deserve someone's trust. I really don't think you are what she's looking for in a partner.

 

Since the relationship is over, take things with a grain of salt and don't get too beat up or run down over it. Learn from the mistakes. In the end someone was so unhappy with you enough to let you go and that is infinitely better than staying stuck with someone who is unhappy with you all the time.

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She needs to be more flexible and know that she will always have to share you with your kids' mother because you always have to confer with her. Your ex or any woman will always have to share you with your children not only as they're growing up but you'll always have a relationship with them as their father.

 

Having said that, she needs to be reasonable and prepared for your visitations with your children.

 

I see her point though. You could've been more organized in advance when making plans instead of having her build up anticipation for vacation plans which needed to be postponed.

 

Danny, it really doesn't matter at this point. She is your ex so she is history.

 

In the future, be a better planner so you are committed to certain dates. Don't make reservations impulsively only to change them later and make everyone feel disappointed and disgruntled. :upset:

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Here we go again. How many times does she have to do this to you?!

 

I still think that she is manipulative and dramatic. What do you get from this?

 

Your children should always be your priority. I hope that you do not plan on marrying this woman?!

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To be honest, it sounds like she has been looking for a reason to dump you for awhile already and this was as good of an excuse as any.

 

In some ways it makes sense - her children are way older and need her less which makes her in a different life stage from you. Your children are still very young and very much need you and it will be a long long time before your time is more free. So something to think about when you eventually pick up dating again - maybe look for a lady who is more in the same boat as you and not at a point where she is almost done parenting and ready to be free. Sometimes what you do wrong is invest in the wrong person.

 

On that note, no matter how great and meticulous of a planner you may be, young children and an acrimonious ex means that weekend getaways and vacations can be ruined, cut short, or otherwise not happen or get cancelled last minute for a million reasons. You need a woman who gets that, aka is much less self centered than this lady and much much more easy going and able to roll with the punches better. I don't think you were wrong to express that your children do come first - they should and if that upsets a woman, then she is not right for you. As a mother she should know better.....but then again....goes back to she is in a different parenting life stage from you and some people, once they are done rearing kids, they are really really done with all the issues and restrictions that come with that.

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Thanks guys. I did know I made a mistake with planning, and I apologised for that. I told her as I felt comfortable to share everything with her, in hindsight I could have kept it to myself tried to sort it behind the scenes and she would have been none the wiser, but I felt comfortable to share everything with her. It was my fault for mis planning, something I accepted, maybe we where too different, wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest if roles reversed, as things can be sorted out, i understand I spoke in a way that as she said, made her feel ty, but as I say it was never my intention to do so. It probably would have ended sooner or later.

So thanks for your input, realised that yes I made a mistake, not a big one to be fair, but it wasn't something that couldn't have been, in my opinion, sorted out easily. I feel it was blown way out of proportion.

Thanks again

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Danny..what mistake did you make, exactly?

 

SherrySher: I forgot to put arrangements in place first for my kids before booking a weekend away. And I spoke in a way that upset her about it, I was flippant, about it and sai said well we'll have to rearrange I can't not see my kids. She took it as I was selfish, and made her feel guilty about me seeing my kids as I said I didn't want to upset the kids, it was just bad planning and poor communication from me, just didn't expect a reaction like this though

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Do you think maybe it's HER who's overreacting and being unreasonable? Maybe you didn't do anything wrong and you know yourself that you didn't purposely try to hurt her.

So perhaps it was this woman who was being moody, over the top and totally unfair. As you said, if the tables were turned, you wouldn't have treated her this way.

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I'll give it to you straight, she sounds like an ahole. She finds reasons to blow up at you, she disregards your feelings, she takes a small thing and blows it up till it's a war.

 

It sounds not only exhausting, but miserable. Any man with any sense would tell her to hit the road and to not come back.

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Do you think maybe it's HER who's overreacting and being unreasonable? Maybe you didn't do anything wrong and you know yourself that you didn't purposely try to hurt her.

So perhaps it was this woman who was being moody, over the top and totally unfair. As you said, if the tables were turned, you wouldn't have treated her this way.

 

I know hand on heart I didn't say anything to purposely hurt her, it was a genuine mistake which I felt comfortable talking about to her, she's telling me that she "can't get out of her head if the kids mum is not OK with it, then we would have to rearrange and go another time as you can't not see my kids" says she feels second best, and I understand that it looks like the kids mum says jump and I say how high, I understand that, but I was honest with her from the start and she's witnessed what the kids mum can be like with me, looking on reflection maybe she wants me stand my ground, and I get that and I do, but because I made a mistake of booking the weekend away before making child arrangements, I had no right to demand I see them to the kids mum because I've booked somewhere away, hence my reasoning for what I said, IF I did it correctly and things where in place, then the weekend was booked, and THEN the kids mum says no you can't have them, then I would be in a position to say sorry this was all sorted you can't change where going away. Thanks for listening as I do carry a lot of guilt and it helps to vent.

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Danny, YOU were the one who was in the right. You are a father first and foremost, everything else comes second. You should be putting your children first, even if that means cancelling other plans.

Your girlfriend is in the wrong. She does come second to your children and to the plans you need to make in order to see them. If she can't or won't understand, then she is not the woman you should be with.

 

If the children's mother is being difficult, then that's something you will have to contend with, but your girlfriend should be A LOT more understanding and empathetic to the whole situation then she is.

It isn't your fault. You may have to change plans depending on what is going on with you ex. And that's okay, that's what fathers do. They compromise and plans can suddenly change.

 

Don't put your foot down just to please your girlfriend. You don't need to start a war, especially if it might create a situation where you won't be able to see your children as much, or at all!! Don't go down that road. If you don't already have custody and visitation arrangements through a lawyer, I strongly urge you to get some in place, asap.

 

As for your girlfriend, she is making life harder for you, not better. A partner should add to your life, not bring you more upsets and more problems.

 

The person you need to stand up to, is your girlfriend. You're continuously bending over backwards for this woman, when she is treating you badly.

Why keep allowing her bad behavior? Why keep justifying it and then blaming yourself?

In this whole scenario, it's her that's the problem, no one else.

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Danny, YOU were the one who was in the right. You are a father first and foremost, everything else comes second. You should be putting your children first, even if that means cancelling other plans.

Your girlfriend is in the wrong. She does come second to your children and to the plans you need to make in order to see them. If she can't or won't understand, then she is not the woman you should be with.

 

If the children's mother is being difficult, then that's something you will have to contend with, but your girlfriend should be A LOT more understanding and empathetic to the whole situation then she is.

It isn't your fault. You may have to change plans depending on what is going on with you ex. And that's okay, that's what fathers do. They compromise and plans can suddenly change.

 

Don't put your foot down just to please your girlfriend. You don't need to start a war, especially if it might create a situation where you won't be able to see your children as much, or at all!! Don't go down that road. If you don't already have custody and visitation arrangements through a lawyer, I strongly urge you to get some in place, asap.

 

As for your girlfriend, she is making life harder for you, not better. A partner should add to your life, not bring you more upsets and more problems.

 

The person you need to stand up to, is your girlfriend. You're continuously bending over backwards for this woman, when she is treating you badly.

Why keep allowing her bad behavior? Why keep justifying it and then blaming yourself?

In this whole scenario, it's her that's the problem, no one else.

 

SherrySher: You're right. I try to understand where she is coming from also, that she has her own kids and arrangements to make, far easier for her to do so as they live with her. But i agree with you now and you've made me understand the situation better. I've not been in many relationships before, and i suppose i am to easy and fold to try and please all. We are no longer together, but again, thank you for your honest and sound advice. It is appreciated.

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You need to get your act together with your ex and child visitation. You're not ready to date and you're making a mess of the whole thing.

 

She's jerking you around, you're jerking her around. It's a disaster.

 

Take a break from dating and stop talking about or making faux plans or promises you can't keep.

It seems like this is a rebound or transitional situation for you... and you both know that but you are trying to drag it out for some reason.

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You need to get your act together with your ex and child visitation. You're not ready to date and you're making a mess of the whole thing.

 

She's jerking you around, you're jerking her around. It's a disaster.

 

Take a break from dating and stop talking about or making faux plans or promises you can't keep.

It seems like this is a rebound or transitional situation for you... and you both know that but you are trying to drag it out for some reason.

 

I was ready to date, everything was explained how she was from day one, she accepted that and was OK. I make one mistake of bad planning because it was me who wanted to adjust the routine, ie have the weekend away. Just feel now after everyones input it was a huge overreaction, and if i was her so called "soul mate" which she used quite frequent, this would have been an easy fix. If you love someone, you love there imperfections too, i felt that way about her, quite clear she didnt about me now. I was sucked in. i'm gonna hang off dating now for a while.

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Given all the conflict between this and the previous issue, I don't think this woman is a match for you. The way she handles disappointment is disproportionate to the perceived "offense", in my opinion.

 

However, I would encourage you to get a more formal visitation arrangement in place. If your kids' mom makes it difficult, you need to speak to a lawyer who can help you get a legal schedule so your ex can't withhold them from you when the mood strikes. It creates too much unnecessary disruption to their (and your) lives.

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Danny, you are practically begging posters to validate that you messed up badly and are responsible for the blow up. Why do you think that is? Why are you so focused on blaming yourself?

 

Her reaction was completely uncalled for and out of line. Anyone with any self respect would show her the door permanently and slam it shut and bar it behind her. Yes, her behavior is that egregious and yet here you are wanting to be told that it's you, not her...... Sorry, it's her.

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She blows up over things that are not a big deal. She gets her friends to side with her and then tells you about it.

 

And YOU are the one who's wrong??

 

This woman is immature and very high maintenance. Good thing it's over because she would have continued this unreasonable behavior.

 

I suggest you work on boundaries and on not being so quick to accept blame for everything.

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I'm not much of a fan of "soulmate". Did you feel like she lovebombed you a lot? Those are red flags for someone who isn't stable themselves.

 

Take all of it with a pinch of salt. Don't keep beating yourself up over it. Like I said learn from the mistakes and brush yourself off. Your kids are your priority so don't shy away from that. Eventually things will fall into place with the right person and when both of you meet and the timing is right.

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