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My boyfriend likes one certain type of sex and I am unsure how to move it on


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Hi, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We started to dabble in BDSM, and it became clear he preferred much more to be dominated than to be dominant, so I was happy to oblidge as obviously he seemed to really enjoy it. Eventually however it meant me dominating him is over half the sex we do, and it often is the only thing that turns him on when we talk dirty.

 

I want to make my partner happy but it feels now like it is dominating our sex lives and I am not sure what to do. When we do have other sex it feels very like he is just using it to get off and not thinking about me. I have talked to him about reciprocation but he said often he finds it hard/doesn't find certain types turn him on and he just wants to move to penetrative sex. It leads to a lot of defensiveness and awkwardness about me not knowing what it is like to be a man etc. What should I do?

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Will you be okay having a long term relationship with this guy if he wants sex to remain the same and isn't willing to change much or anything at all?

 

It depends on the person, but it sounds tiring, redundant and not very fulfilling.

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What do you mean when you say "not knowing how to be a man???"

 

Anyway, wanting to make sure your partner is satisfied in the bedroom is one thing, but when it comes to kinks, either you are both fully into it or you are not compatible and need to part ways. You've already tried talking to him and he isn't willing to compromise....in fact, it doesn't sound like he cares much about pleasing you in bed or at all, so you have nothing to work with here. If he isn't willing to compromise or step up, your only option is to dump him and find a better bf - one who is actually willing to reciprocate and compromise. So many of them out there, there is literally no reason to cling to one that doesn't fit you. In short, don't be a doormat. Life is way too short for that.

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What do you mean when you say "not knowing how to be a man???"

 

Oh sorry, I meant he says I don't know what it is like to be a man. I'm not sure also it is being a doormat, I do raise my concerns! It's just like we've got stuck on this, before BDSM it was definitely different.

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What do you mean when you say "not knowing how to be a man???"

 

Oh sorry, I meant he says I don't know what it is like to be a man. I'm not sure also it is being a doormat, I do raise my concerns! It's just like we've got stuck on this, before BDSM it was definitely different.

 

Yes, you speak up but he doesn't respond and you are still with him. What makes you a doormat is sacrificing your own needs in order to please or appease your partner with nothing much being given back. You are posting here precisely because your relationship is not equal and not satisfying to you and you realize in your gut that this is wrong. You are correct in that and unfortunately it goes to just that - once you've voiced your concerns and desires multiple times and nothing has changed, the only option left is to walk away because this person is not a suitable partner to you. Think about it - he is being selfish and selfish is not a good quality in a partner.

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He just doesn't have emotional substance when it come to sexual bonding...to him sex is just sex, not an expression of shared love. He doesn't know any other way. Probably a lifetime of focusing on porn and becoming emotionally detached.

 

I would walk.

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It leads to a lot of defensiveness and awkwardness about me not knowing what it is like to be a man etc. What should I do?

 

What is this?

 

What is it like to be a man? What does he think it's like to be a man and what are his ideas about being a man? It sounds like this is great conversation between a couple and in a safe and loving environment both you have lots more to discover about each other.

 

Maybe try talking about this when both of you are less combative or in a more neutral space and when you're both relaxed and there's no pressure sexually. It appears he has some preconceived or learned ideas about conventional sex (sans bdsm or domination). These are concepts that can be broken down and rebuilt between two people depending on a couple's comfort levels. Just because he's nervous or resentful towards concepts of conventional sex (sans bdsm or domination) it doesn't mean he has to constantly do the polar opposite (be dominated).

 

I think your instincts are correct if you're feeling slightly uncomfortable with this dynamic. It's not only about his way or the highway. I think there's something more there to be explored and I'm sensing a real disdain and fear performing in bed as a male or what his ideas of male performance in the bedroom should be. He may also be very uncomfortable with his male identity and has found a safe alter ego in the bedroom but he's not dealing with the topic of his maleness or male body or those negative emotions about what it is to be a man.

 

Are both of you sexually open or able to talk about sex or watch porn together or able to talk about sex without bars or barriers? How comfortable in general are both of you chatting about all this?

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