Jump to content

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 53
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

I have some feelings for him but nothing too serious. He appears to feel the same for the most part.

 

He has however said that FWB is all he wants right now so I have brought up the subject of the possibility of my dating other people since we are obviously not heading towards anything.

 

I forgot to mention that he as also previously stated that he gets jealous when other guys compliment me or when I say I have been talking to other guys. This was before I mentioned the possibility of me dating other people.

 

Sounds like that strange place that's not quite dating level, but the attachment is more than just sex. I've been in a place where I was attracted to someone (and they attracted to me) but not ready for it to go further. It made things odd and that was without sex being a factor. I just don't think we should rush to saying the guy is using you when there could be any number of things going on in his mind.

 

The most likely result is that he is not wanting something more, for whatever reason. In that case, the best case is to stop being FWB. You should be with someone who is going to give their full attention to you. In the end though, it's all about what makes you happiest

Link to post
Share on other sites
If that were true, he'd be dating you. He' specifically said, friends with benefits, only. You can ask again, but be prepared for the same answer.

 

I'm not saying I agree that he is in the same place I am but he didn't specifically say only FWB. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. And yes, I know that that translates to "I'm not interested in a relationship with you".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you wanting a long term relationship? Why date someone else and continue sleeping with this guy? Don't you think you should give your potential date the respect of being completely single and only focusing on them instead of creating a menage a trois?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think him wanting sex with you before you go on a date is his way of treating you as his property. He is putting his "brand" on you, hoping that you wont want to have sex with the guy you are dating.

Its a case of him not wanting to date you, but not wanting you to date anyone else.

 

You need top decide if that is ok with you. Do you still want a FWB or a relationship, because he is only offering FWB

Link to post
Share on other sites
Read or listen to Carly Simon's song We Have No Secrets -you're oversharing with someone you have a sexual arrangement with.

 

How long were you friends before you started having intercourse and hooking up?

 

We weren't really friends beforehand. We have only known each other for a few months

Link to post
Share on other sites
Honesty and TMI are not the same thing. One is healthy, the other is not. How to explain that.....

 

So telling him "hey since you and I aren't serious or going anywhere, I'm going to be dating others and seeking a relationship." - good kind of honesty and communication about where you are at and what you are doing.

 

Telling him, "so hey I have a red hot date tonight" - is TMI. You already told him where you are at and he responded with the fact that he is good with that. No more details or further communication required from you. You already made your positions clear and so did he...as much as you don't want to accept it. Telling him when you have a date, is more you playing games, trying to make him jealous, get a reaction....except what you are getting is not the one that you want. He is NOT jumping in and making you a gf, he is just screwing you when you allow it. It doesn't even matter if it's every time or less often or random, he still gets laid and that's a nice freebie from his perspective and he will use that as long as you are willing or until he finds a bigger better deal, which will just hurt your ego and further your insecurities.

 

You can't find confidence when you set yourself up for failure and nobody is doing it to you. It's all you.

 

I don't tell him when I have been on a date, sometimes it comes up that I am meeting someone that day or the next for example because he asks. He often asks where I am and what im doing. Or if we're hanging out in the morning for coffee or having lunch or something he'll ask what I'm doing later that day. I'm not going to lie to him. But I also don't go shouting it from the roof tops to try and provoke a reaction

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's going to be best to stop hanging out and having sex with this guy, OP.

 

It just has hurt feelings (for you) written all over it. He would be dating you by now if he wanted to, so it's not really a productive use of your time to keep interacting with him if you developing feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't tell him when I have been on a date, sometimes it comes up that I am meeting someone that day or the next for example because he asks. He often asks where I am and what im doing. Or if we're hanging out in the morning for coffee or having lunch or something he'll ask what I'm doing later that day. I'm not going to lie to him. But I also don't go shouting it from the roof tops to try and provoke a reaction

 

You don't need to lie. Simply tell him the details are not his business. That's the truth. Please don't indulge in oversharing because "I'm just being honest" - evaluate the other reasons you want him to know you are with other men.

 

I used to say "just went out with some people" or "out with a friend" - etc - and yes white lies are fine or leaving out information is fine to save someone's feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You don't need to lie. Simply tell him the details are not his business. That's the truth. Please don't indulge in oversharing because "I'm just being honest" - evaluate the other reasons you want him to know you are with other men.

 

I used to say "just went out with some people" or "out with a friend" - etc - and yes white lies are fine or leaving out information is fine to save someone's feelings.

 

I understand that but I shouldn't need to worry about his feelings since he has pretty much said he's OK with it and everyone on this thread has said they don't believe he has any feelings towards me anyway

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think this will end well in your mind? What happens when he starts dating someone he respects and wants to be exclusive/official with.

 

What if he drops off the radar as a friend or lover? Do you have a real guy lined up or is this situation holding you back?

Link to post
Share on other sites

... Whenever the subject has come up again in various ways he has said things like I shouldn't be looking to fate others as I am his or if he thinks I may be meeting someone that day he always wants us to have sex before I go. I don't know what his reason behind that could be their than he thinks I'm less likely to have sex with whoever I'm on the date with if if already just slept with him in the hours before.

 

Just wondering if maybe anyone could shed some light on what his behaviour could be about. Is it possible he's maybe not as cool with the prospect of me seeing other people as he says he is? Or could there be some other reason I haven't worked out yet, if so what could it be?

 

I forgot to mention that he as also previously stated that he gets jealous when other guys compliment me or when I say I have been talking to other guys. This was before I mentioned the possibility of me dating other people.

 

TIA

 

OP, I honestly think you're giving this guy too much credit.

 

He wants to have sex with you before you meet someone else. in case you meet someone better and dump him.

 

He wants one last encounter because he probably is afraid he won't have sex again for while.

 

I get people need sex and that's why they get into these situations, but you always have to think about why a person that wants a relationship would waste their time with this. And what is happening with a person that they don't want a relationship?

 

a healthy adult wants a relationship. that's just being human. So that leads me to one of two things- they want a relationship just not with their fwb OR they are not in a good space for a relationship.

 

neither of these things lead to a relationship with the fwb in the long run. Sure there are exceptions to every rule.

 

But you've broached dating and he's side stepping. he's using jealously and control to make you think that he is caring for you.

 

FWB do not work. One person always gets feelings. Think about sharing your body and the intimacy that is happening, how could a person not get feelings? I'll tell you how, they are not healthy in the head or they are not interested romantically.

 

we all know how it is... someone likes us so we use them. When we grow up, if we grow up, we realize it is crummy to lead a person on. regardless of what they say. A good person does not use people or manipulate situations.

 

One night stands are better to protect your feelings. obviously you gotta be safe but, IMO, FWB are the worst!

Link to post
Share on other sites

How much do you know about his past or his personal life aside from what you both do together? Is there a reason why he's not emotionally available?

 

You may have some answers about his personal state or his maturity levels. I think your key is in making sure you know this guy a bit more. You'll have all the answers galore then. It'll be a buffet of answers from which to decide how to conduct yourself and figure out what to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I understand that but I shouldn't need to worry about his feelings since he has pretty much said he's OK with it and everyone on this thread has said they don't believe he has any feelings towards me anyway

 

Being a tactful and considerate person to another human doesn't have to do with whether that person has romantic feelings. So if he oversteps by asking who you were with, have boundaries so that you're not oversharing with another person. Whether that person is someone you're having intercourse with, a friend, a coworker, whoever.

 

This is not just about his feelings -it's about you behaving with appropriate filters in a social interaction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How much do you know about his past or his personal life aside from what you both do together? Is there a reason why he's not emotionally available?

 

You may have some answers about his personal state or his maturity levels. I think your key is in making sure you know this guy a bit more. You'll have all the answers galore then. It'll be a buffet of answers from which to decide how to conduct yourself and figure out what to do.

 

I wouldn't waste my time on any of the above.

 

OP -if having sex is worth all the downsides, keep having sex. I would prioritize speaking with him about STD exposure plus what would the plan be if you got pregnant.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How much do you know about his past or his personal life aside from what you both do together? Is there a reason why he's not emotionally available?

 

You may have some answers about his personal state or his maturity levels. I think your key is in making sure you know this guy a bit more. You'll have all the answers galore then. It'll be a buffet of answers from which to decide how to conduct yourself and figure out what to do.

 

I know some. We talk alot, about most things.

He has said that he does not want a relationship right now, his reason was that he has not long come out of a long term relationship with the mother of his children, they broke under a year ago and he is focusing all of his energy on making the transition as smooth as possible for the children. They are only young 6 and 9.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know some. We talk alot, about most things.

He has said that he does not want a relationship right now, his reason was that he has not long come out of a long term relationship with the mother of his children, they broke under a year ago and he is focusing all of his energy on making the transition as smooth as possible for the children. They are only young 6 and 9.

 

That's wonderful that you both have that communication. What are your thoughts on him as a person? Do you think he's a good person overall? I'm wondering if he's better as a friend and less as a sexual partner. Sex doesn't sound like it happens often. What do you hope for in continuing this liaison - as in, you personally? Have you decided how he fits or is supposed to fit in your life?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I wouldn't waste my time on any of the above.

 

OP -if having sex is worth all the downsides, keep having sex. I would prioritize speaking with him about STD exposure plus what would the plan be if you got pregnant.

 

I have not really been having sex with him fr a few weeks now. Only a couple of times. We use protection. And I can't have any more children as I was sterilised following a cesarean with my youngest

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's wonderful that you both have that communication. What are your thoughts on him as a person? Do you think he's a good person overall? I'm wondering if he's better as a friend and less as a sexual partner. Sex doesn't sound like it happens often. What do you hope for in continuing this liaison - as in, you personally? Have you decided how he fits or is supposed to fit in your life?

 

I do think overall he is a good person yes. Or I did until he started wanting sex if he found out I was meeting someone that day. Now I am a little confused. Hence why the sex is now alot less often, as the more he pushes for it before I go out the more hesitant I am because I don't know his reasons and if its for the reasons i think it could be, in that he thinks I will be less likely to have sex with someone else, then that puts me off as I should think he should know by now that I wouldnt anyway as I am not that kind of person. I have never had sex on a first date before and he knows this. He also knows I am not the most confident of people, another reason It would not happen

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do think overall he is a good person yes. Or I did until he started wanting sex if he found out I was meeting someone that day. Now I am a little confused. Hence why the sex is now alot less often, as the more he pushes for it before I go out the more hesitant I am because I don't know his reasons and if its for the reasons i think it could be, in that he thinks I will be less likely to have sex with someone else, then that puts me off as I should think he should know by now that I wouldnt anyway as I am not that kind of person. I have never had sex on a first date before and he knows this. He also knows I am not the most confident of people, another reason It would not happen

 

Maybe he is equally if not more confused. It sounds like he has a lot on his plate. Are you also separated/divorced/widowed? Are your kids older than his? It might not be unrealistic to understand that he's not in the right frame of mind to start anything new or treat someone new very well at this time. He doesn't sound like he's thinking clearly given the context or what you've mentioned about him so far. It doesn't make him a bad person necessarily. He's not thinking straight so his behaviours may be across the board. He may not even be intending to come across as jealous and if he is, he may just be confused and still in love with his ex but using you as a surrogate. Do you see what I mean?

 

Do you have an idea of why their relationship ended? I'm meaning your conclusions, not what he's telling you. This takes time as you see someone's true colours also.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe he is equally if not more confused. It sounds like he has a lot on his plate. Are you also separated/divorced/widowed? Are your kids older than his? It might not be unrealistic to understand that he's not in the right frame of mind to start anything new or treat someone new very well at this time. He doesn't sound like he's thinking clearly given the context or what you've mentioned about him so far. It doesn't make him a bad person necessarily. He's not thinking straight so his behaviours may be across the board. He may not even be intending to come across as jealous and if he is, he may just be confused and still in love with his ex but using you as a surrogate. Do you see what I mean?

 

Do you have an idea of why their relationship ended? I'm meaning your conclusions, not what he's telling you. This takes time as you see someone's true colours also.

 

I am separated yes, also for around a year. My children are younger, 2 and 4.

 

Hes told me that he ended it as he just didn't feel the same about her anymore. That the romantic side to their relationship had ended long ago but at first she had refused to accept it. But in time it became more of a mutual split. And although I don't know for sure that this is what happened I am inclined to believe him as anything I have seen and heard seems to back up his version of events. They get along fine and he has the children regularly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to ask yourself what it is YOU want and then go from there. It you want something more, or more commitment you NEED to address this. Communication is KEY. Don't ASSUME anything, it doesnt ever matter if he shows signs of jealousy you need to be direct and ask. "How are we both feeling about this? I've been feeling some feelings that I didnt expect to initially feel, and was wondering if you felt the same? Because I'd like for us to be exclusive." etc. That's a good start.

 

I was in a FWB for TWO frekin years and I don't wish it upon anyone, most people who are OKAY with casual sex and that sort of thing will numb out any emotions they have towards the other person in such a scientifical bonding act. You cant beat science, or the release of oxytocin in woman that naturally bonds us with the guy. My mistake was a HUGE LACK of communication, therefore that's why I'm telling you to talk it out before it's too late, and before it hurts worse.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are both rebounding from marriages/relationships ending very recently then it's fine to have this arrangement of friends who have sex. You can have company but not as much pressure as dating

I am separated yes, also for around a year. My children are younger, 2 and 4.

 

Hes told me that he ended it as he just didn't feel the same about her anymore. That the romantic side to their relationship had ended long ago but at first she had refused to accept it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am separated yes, also for around a year. My children are younger, 2 and 4.

 

Hes told me that he ended it as he just didn't feel the same about her anymore. That the romantic side to their relationship had ended long ago but at first she had refused to accept it. But in time it became more of a mutual split. And although I don't know for sure that this is what happened I am inclined to believe him as anything I have seen and heard seems to back up his version of events. They get along fine and he has the children regularly.

 

I'd be a bit wary about this especially this early on. Even as fwb or 'friends', this sounds too convenient to me. Enjoy the company, I think, but I don't think this person is what you think he is. There's a lot more beneath the surface. If you're feeling a bit uncomfortable with his behaviour, those are your instincts telling you something isn't quite right. There's no reason to assume and you can also have a lot of conversations but talk is cheap and it's easy to miss details or overlook half truths. Time reveals everything. Let time do the talking. Both of you have other commitments also.

 

You're doing the right thing meeting others and dating around if you want to meet others. Stay safe because your kids need you. Don't over-invest in this or believe everything he says in such a short amount of time. Dating while being separated is also tricky. You have to accept your limits and your new reality also. Going from one iffy situation to another is just going to catch up to you in the long run.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...