Overreaction? Stumped and not sure how to handle this.

[Tweedie]

The subject came up yesterday morning about what we (my boyfriend and I) wanted to do for the rest of the day. I half-jokingly mentioned he could address some of the clutter that has been sitting in the basement of our house for probably a couple of years now. Next thing I know, it triggered something in him and he responded that he would then just get rid of everything he practically owns just "so he won't have to hear about it again." I am not a fan of clutter and over time I've asked him to address the various piles of things around the house. The clutter has been around for years and since the pandemic, he has taken on new hobbies that have added to the piles. Next thing I know, he starts going through the entire house to get rid of all of his personal items that are in his words "non-essential". And I mean everything. I tried to reason with him and told him to stop, suggested we take a walk, tried comforting him, etc. I ended up getting angry, crying, and leaving the house because he was insistent on carrying on this way and being stubborn. In his haste to toss things he was also including some of my books, some of his sentimental items, etc. He has a history of going overboard or to extremes when he feels hurt or is angry, though nothing violent. He says I was 'poking him with a stick' because I subconsciously am angry about something with him. Maybe that is true but at that moment I brought it up, we were happily relaxing on the sofa. I'm not a mean witch and certainly do not want him to get rid of his possessions, just clean up the clutter.

 

He has told me in the past he has OCD and may have tendencies to borderline personality disorder, as diagnosed by a professional. He is an army veteran (infantry) with PTSD issues as well. I know my timing was terrible, since in the past week I've brought up some other major issues with him that have been sticking points in our relationship, so I'm sure this just was an ill-timed trigger to the unleashing. I'm probably not describing it very well but it was very upsetting as he was just hell-bent on getting rid of everything down to the bare-bones, and was still insistent the entire day and up to bedtime. I am dreading today because I'm pretty sure it will be more of the same. I don't want to peg this as a personality disorder thing but I haven't known anyone in my life that just reacts to the point of being unreasonable, almost irrational to a "slight", and doesn't let up. He has done this many times in the past in that he can easily overreact to things and then gets stubborn about it, even destroy or remove things of value to him. Or is it that I'm being unreasonable? I just don't know what to do to bring him back down to acting more rational.

[Billie28]

 

 

“I subconsciously am angry about something with him. Maybe that is true but at that moment I brought it up, we were happily relaxing on the sofa.”

 

At the moment you were pretending to be relaxing on the sofa, and not subconsciously angry about anything?

But that’s clearky untrue.

He responded to a constant argument irrelevant as to the supposed happy environment you were in. According to you.

 

Why are you so obsessed with the “clutter” that included books of yours?

Why have you not gone down there and sorted things into his and yours?

 

He was happy with his stuff down there, you were happy with your stuff down there until he chucked it out with his?

 

I feel like you were unreasonable.

Why would you not have suggested you both go down and go through stuff rather than present an ultimatum of sorts?

 

What are the other issues you mention?

[Wiseman2]

The only recourse you have is to move out. Hoarders love thier trash more than people. Thier primary relationship is with thier junk and the security it gives them.

 

Who owes the house? If you co own you'll need a lawyer to get out of the mess.

 

Hoarding worsens with age. It creates considerable health risks

 

If you own the place, give him notice then hire a company to get his toxic junk out.

[Hollyj]

This is all about him. His reaction was completely unacceptable. You then allowed him to make you feel guilty for something he should have taken care of long ago. You should of let him throw out all of his stuff.

 

His behavior was manipulative and dramatic. Has he spoken to a professional? I would strongly reconsider your future with this man.

 

What are the other issues? How does he help out around the home?

 

Next time, stick to your guns, and stop allowing this behavior.

[Batya33]

My husband is a pack rat and likely a hoarder. So were his parents. Their house is filled to the brim and empty of people (they passed away). I've tried various approaches and I'm not allowed to throw his stuff out (but I do if I'm sure it's trash -a little at a time). I choose not to fight that battle. Many would disagree with me. But I count my blessings. He does all the handy stuff in the house when our maintenance people cannot or it's more appropriate for us, he's a great parent to our son, he now lets me disrupt his sleep minorly because I have to leave the house early to workout outside (thanks covid) and he works his behind off more than full time. He returns all the amazon stuff I buy that doesn't work/doesn't fit (no I don't have a shopping issue -I mean because of covid we have to order a lot more online now). And I love him very much.

 

I broke two computers because of accidental spills over the last few years and he was calm about it. I doubt I would have been.

 

I hate the clutter. I hate that it grows. I hate when he promises to do something about it and he doesn't or he thinks he did but he really didn't. But am I fuming/growing resentment/taking it out in other ways? Nope. If I feel like I'm getting to that point I self-talk and count my blessings again.

 

I am not a neat freak. I am into hygiene and cleanliness. The worst his clutter does I guess is cause dust (it's not food related -I draw the line at that). So I clean up every day and night, wipe down everything, wash the floors, do the laundry, make the beds, take out garbage regularly etc. I will not ever have people over. We disagree on this. Yes it sucks but again no one is entertaining right now and we live in a small apartment. So I do have people over -to our building's pool and business lounge/cafe, to the gorgeous park down the street. Yes I see all about people having guests over and entertaining and cooking - yes I give that up. Yes sometimes I will express my sadness over that and I cannot get why he would think I would have anyone over. I have had playdates here because my son's room is neat and clean (no clutter other than in the walk in closets) - but he is older so it's less likely that will be happening.

 

The point is -you choose. If you feel like you're going to make snarky comments like that about clutter on any regular basis that's not ok. That means you don't accept it, it's more of a dealbreaker. Decide now because it's highly unlikely he will change. My sister was very cluttered and a slob until she became a married mom -then she became a neat freak - in the 1980s. She still is. She is an anomaly I think. Please don't think he will change. You can only control you. I personally would stay if I were you as long as it's not a true mental disorder or could lead to an unsanitary house or a fire hazard (again I don't think dust from papers and stuff is a problem unless you have allergies, etc).

 

You say he has mental disorders and half-joking likely is heard by him in a very different way. Decide if you're ok accepting his mental illness too.

 

We also have a storage facility - would you be willing to do that-would he?

[smackie9]

Ever watch a TV show called hoarders? Well that's where it starts...mental illness, apprehension, anger. His way of coping is through making piles of stuff/collecting. I have dealt with these people in my job....If you do not address this with a therapist, you are going to end up 10 years from now with small pathways through your house and 30 dumpsters worth of stuff with the city threatening to throw you out of your house if it doesn't get cleaned up. Getting a storage place only enables the hording. OCD, depression a key components to hording. They are very difficult to deal with. Me personally, wouldn't stick this out unless he gets help, and you start to depleting his stock piles.

 

And yes I had jobs where their stuff killed them. Trapped because of fire, and smothered by their own garbage. Oh and friends of my in-laws were horders, and their house burnt to the ground...the fire was unmanageable from the hording...insurance didn't cover them, they ended up homeless, and with nothing.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend's PTSD is correlated with his lack of impulse control and anger management issues. I doubt his inner demons will ever go away. You either have to accept his temper and unreasonable reactions or not be with him anymore.

 

I despise clutter. I'm a clean freak, prefer zero clutter and I'm fastidious about maintaining a clean house.

 

You might want to make a suggestion to your boyfriend regarding extra stuff. Sell it on Ebay or donate extra clutter to charity.

 

You're not being unreasonable. You can't change him. He is who he is. You can't reason with the unreasonable. You need to dump him! It's time for a new boyfriend or take a break from having a boyfriend so you don't have to put up with his rants and acting like a spoiled 2 year old having a tantrum.

[DancingFool]

If he was diagnosed with BPD, plus all the other issues....honestly....just run.

 

What you are not grasping is that he was intentionally and deliberately punishing you for daring to tell him what to do or for some other slight or issue from the past that he has been harboring that you don't even know about and he won't tell you and this was nothing more than a golden opportunity to explode. He used it and he did it and it worked - you were in tears and distraught and begging him to stop (bonus points for him on the begging part). This is also what emotional/psychological abuse looks like, OP. Probably not what you want to hear, but it is what it is.

 

When you get involved with someone with these types of disorders, you are going to be a subject of their abuse and there is no beating around the bush about that. If you google BPD, you'll find that the only dating/relationship advice is RUN. Get away from these people as far and as fast as you can and cut all contact. They are not victims, they are perpetrators of abuse and if you are in a relationship with one, you will be their punching bag sooner or later.

[SherrySher]

If you remain with this man, know that you are staying involved with someone who has deep rooted mental issues and they're not going away anytime soon.

 

He should be getting therapy, asap. He should have done that already on his own. Why he hasn't already, I don't know. But he definitely needs professional help with a number of issues, hoarding being one of them.

 

If he gets the help he needs, he very well could improve, however, it's not a cure. You would need to accept that he has these issues and that they may never be resolved.