Staying because of a child

[Billie28]

If I am influencing her than that's so subconsciously that there's no why I can change it, coz I'm not even aware of doing that. I do tell her all the time that she's our little wonder and because she really IS special, I and my whole family (via WhatsApp) remind her of that, but not to the point of creating a narcissist. I am really proud of what a wonderful little person she's forming into.

Also I am gently preparing her that there's a chance she'll never have a sibling. But she still refuses to give anything she had owned to my sister that's expecting a baby girl soon.

 

.

 

What??? Your family whatsapp your 4 year old to tell her how special she is??

That is consciously influencing her! What 4 year old reads whatsapp??

 

Why do you and your whole family have to tell her that she is so special?

She is a 4 year old only. Sure you love her but really?

 

A 4 year old refuses to give up anything! That’s normal. But they don’t have a choice. Because they are 4!

 

What happens when she refuses to go to bed? You allow it?

What happens when she refuses to eat pasta for dinner? You make her sausages?

 

And what happens when she refuses to accept no sibling? Well you can’t allow it because it’s not something you can control? Right? However , I wonder if you approach all her refusals in the same manner?

 

I hope you do have another kid before this one is completely spoiled.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it almost seems like your 4 yo is your adult partner and your husband is non-existent. You seem to already have mentally shifted to a single parent who is so lonely they treat thier child as a surrogate adult to talk to

 

Perhaps making your entire existence about having x amount of kids, in y amount of time who are z years apart is an obcession that is consuming your life so much, you have lost sight of things.

 

The contempt for your husband is very palpable and hardly seems new, just heightened by this baby fever.

[Lambert]

the bigger challenge is to raise your child to not expect one person to always be there for her.

 

To do otherwise is to put a lot of pressure on your children. I have siblings and the truth is each of us is living our own lives with our own challenges and blessings.

 

Contrary to childhood playtime of "when we grow up we'll all live next door to each other", at the end of the day, each of us is on our own, to make good choices and decisions. Which is life.

 

One person, whether a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a friend is not ever enough for a whole life full of experiences, seasons, stages and challenges.

 

You sound like maybe you're over romanticizing this new baby, at the expense of your marriage.

 

Yes, society puts all kinds of ideas on us, re: what life should be. Focus on being happy with what you have, by taking care of what you already have.

 

You're losing sight of what is actually important today- the people already here with you. The man you chose and the child you have. Fix that and who knows what opportunities will come into your life. Maybe in time you'll adopt or foster or get pregnant or NOT. And that's OK, too.

[LaHermes]

Great post Lambert.

 

And isn't this SO true:

 

"Contrary to childhood playtime of "when we grow up we'll all live next door to each other", at the end of the day, each of us is on our own, to make good choices and decisions. Which is life.

"

[bluecastle]

Going to change direction here momentarily.

 

Adult to adult—as in: you to us—do you want to stay in this marriage? What's the gut saying? There's no wrong answer, but there is a true answer. That doesn't mean it's the final answer, but whatever it is? I think you need to start exploring it, taking it very seriously, figuring out the truest truth, so you can start reconfiguring your present life around that truth. Because from the outside? It just seems you're exerting all this emotional energy on the question of a second child to sate your toddler's emotional equilibrium in order to avoid the pressing issue here.

 

Your 4 year old is going to really, really want a lot of things in life. Waffles for dinner. A pony. A Porsche convertible. The boy in high school who likes her friend instead of her. A position at the firm that went to the person two cubicles over. An infinity pool. Spiritual nirvana. If she ends up with a sibling? She will on occasion want the sibling to vanish from the face of the earth. And so on, until the end of time. These wants will consume her brain—for minutes, for much longer stretches—and when they go unmet? She will experience some hurt and disappointment. Along with the hurt and disappointment? She will experience growth, resiliency. This is life.

 

I have no doubt in your sincerity in wanting a second child, for your own life, for hers, to see about completing that preexisting story in your mind. But at present, I think you are projecting, perhaps using your daughter's desire for a sibling as a substitute for a desire in yourself: to be in a romantic relationship that is fulfilling, rewarding, inspiring, new. Your daughter wants that too—for her happiness and for yours, without having an iota of what any of that means.

 

So the question is: Do you want your next big romance to be with your husband, or not?

[LaHermes]

What does this mean, OP?

" but wish for her not to be a sissy like her mom."

 

Why do you think you are a "sissy"?

[Tinydance]

What??? Your family whatsapp your 4 year old to tell her how special she is??

That is consciously influencing her! What 4 year old reads whatsapp??

 

Why do you and your whole family have to tell her that she is so special?

She is a 4 year old only. Sure you love her but really?

 

A 4 year old refuses to give up anything! That’s normal. But they don’t have a choice. Because they are 4!

 

What happens when she refuses to go to bed? You allow it?

What happens when she refuses to eat pasta for dinner? You make her sausages?

 

And what happens when she refuses to accept no sibling? Well you can’t allow it because it’s not something you can control? Right? However , I wonder if you approach all her refusals in the same manner?

 

I hope you do have another kid before this one is completely spoiled.

 

Wow you are extremely harsh! OP did actually say that her, her husband and daughter are living in another country from all the rest of their family. So that's obviously why they use WhatsApp, so that her daughter actually has the chance to know her family and they develop at least somewhat of a relationship. She obviously never gets to spend time with the rest of the family so this is all they have. Let's say if you were a grandparent but your child and grandchild are overseas, wouldn't you feel really sad that you never actually see them? What is your problem about using WhatsApp? I think it's OK for a child to use video calling as long as they're always being supervised by a parent. I don't really see any evidence that she's spoiled. Wanting a siblings is completely not the same as wanting a new Barbie! This is wanting to have family, a friend to play with and be by your side.

[boltnrun]

My son wanted a sibling. I didn't view it as something that meant he was "spoiled" or that I was allowing him to run the show. So when his sister came along it wasn't because their dad and I gave in, it was because she kind of just showed up (yes, she was a "surprise" lol).

 

My kids' grandparents thought they were perfect. Especially my son, since he came first. Whenever I mentioned that he'd been naughty his grandmother said "Oh well, pssh..." because she just would not agree that he wasn't perfect. I made it a point to tell the kids "Grandma and Grandpa might think you're perfect, but although I love you more than you know, I don't think you're perfect!"

 

I think the OP's marriage should be the number one priority. Bringing another child into a family where the parents have epic arguments is a very bad idea.

[reinventmyself]

If I am influencing her than that's so subconsciously that there's no why I can change it, coz I'm not even aware of doing that.

.

 

Things are only done unconsciously until they are brought to your awareness.

[Rose Mosse]

Going to change direction here momentarily.

 

Adult to adult—as in: you to us—do you want to stay in this marriage? What's the gut saying? There's no wrong answer, but there is a true answer. That doesn't mean it's the final answer, but whatever it is? I think you need to start exploring it, taking it very seriously, figuring out the truest truth, so you can start reconfiguring your present life around that truth. Because from the outside? It just seems you're exerting all this emotional energy on the question of a second child to sate your toddler's emotional equilibrium in order to avoid the pressing issue here.

 

Your 4 year old is going to really, really want a lot of things in life. Waffles for dinner. A pony. A Porsche convertible. The boy in high school who likes her friend instead of her. A position at the firm that went to the person two cubicles over. An infinity pool. Spiritual nirvana. If she ends up with a sibling? She will on occasion want the sibling to vanish from the face of the earth. And so on, until the end of time. These wants will consume her brain—for minutes, for much longer stretches—and when they go unmet? She will experience some hurt and disappointment. Along with the hurt and disappointment? She will experience growth, resiliency. This is life.

 

I have no doubt in your sincerity in wanting a second child, for your own life, for hers, to see about completing that preexisting story in your mind. But at present, I think you are projecting, perhaps using your daughter's desire for a sibling as a substitute for a desire in yourself: to be in a romantic relationship that is fulfilling, rewarding, inspiring, new. Your daughter wants that too—for her happiness and for yours, without having an iota of what any of that means.

 

So the question is: Do you want your next big romance to be with your husband, or not?

 

I completely agree with this.

 

I also want to know... do you want this marriage or are you interested in that romance with your husband? You also mentioned in another post that you are feeling the physical/mental strain of all the testing and fertility treatments. If you are committed to the marriage, stay connected with him on those things and lean on each other, figure out ways to replenish yourself and release all that tension and heartache and all that the treatments are draining out of you.

 

I think you should practice more self-care and take care of yourself better. Eat healthy, exercise, find new ways to engage with old and new ideas, bridge gaps with your spouse and laugh and talk about different things when you're together. Don't let this chapter consume you completely. What's left is your family and the people you already have in your life. Cherish them if you can, even more than you think you do. Most of all, take care of yourself.

[Cherylyn]

You lifted my heart Waffle ! LOL.

 

And fully agree with you too Cherlyn.

 

Thank you, LaHermes!

[Lambert]

If I am influencing her than that's so subconsciously that there's no why I can change it, coz I'm not even aware of doing that. I do tell her all the time that she's our little wonder and because she really IS special, I and my whole family (via WhatsApp) remind her of that, but not to the point of creating a narcissist. I am really proud of what a wonderful little person she's forming into.

Also I am gently preparing her that there's a chance she'll never have a sibling. But she still refuses to give anything she had owned to my sister that's expecting a baby girl soon.

 

reinventmyself I don't think your philosophy, that in order to be a good parent you need to be a saint without desires and fears so you don't subconsciously project them onto your kids, is really realistic. But kids also "decide" according to their own affinity which of our subconscious messages they are going to accept and which don't. I can't just switch off my desire to give her a sibling, it's one of my core values, but I do not consciously talk about it to her and avoid that theme altogether when she's around.

 

For an example I hate seagrass and when it touches me I act as if a crocodile touched me. But I explain it to my daughter that my oversensitivity is irrational and it's just weed, but that I can't change my reaction

(or more don't want to invest energy into it), but wish for her not to be a sissy like her mom.

 

Please know that you can change anything about your behavior you chose to. To say, it's done subconsciously is a cope out.

 

Also sounds like your raising a 40 year old, not 4 year old. I've never heard a 4 year old say my sibling. Lol. I'd stop encouraging her and redirect comments away from the new baby talk. She is 4.she'll move on.how about a puppy? (I'm kidding.)

 

I'm sorry for all you are going through with fertility treatment and the lack of support from the hubs. May be a sign to not have more children with him. Children need two loving parents that give them consistency and stability. Everything else is gravy and everyone's gravy is different. I'm thinking of my own childhood.... The neighborhood kids, my cousins, the children of my parents' friends, the kids at church, the kids I'd plat with on our travels...etc... All added to it.

[itsallgrand]

I think you could use some therapy. Your desire to give birth to a second child is becoming an unhealthy obsession, and you've lost all perspective.

A desire to give birth to a second child is not a "core value". And this clearly is for you about having a biological child, as you haven't mentioned adoption or fostering at all. And it's fine if you don't want to go that route to be a parent a second time - but the idea about needing this to give your child a sibling for friendship is clearly bull. You could do that without invasive IVF. You want the pregnancy - be real.

[j.man]

So what is it you want? Do you expect your husband to run through studies and bounce what I'm assuming are amateur medical opinions off each other over? To what end? What do you do differently as a result? Lilac supplements? He's going off physician recommendations because most people very understandably and rightfully defer to an established authority on the matter. If something doesn't sound right to you, get a second medical opinion so that you can adopt an alternative that's actually actionable. Hounding him to relate to a dated NIH publication of any relevance, or worse some mommyhealth.com article is just as counterproductive from a medical perspective as it is a marital one.

 

And I'd really heed the warnings others are suggesting. Either a) you are projecting your obsession onto your daughter or b) you're using what might very well be a normal attitude of a child to want a baby sibling which you're using as an excuse to slam a benign dialogue like a freight train into your marriage. Honestly, I'm not sure at this point we'd be responsible in providing you further advice. Tackle this obsession and tackle your marital issues, whether subsequent or independent. You guys needed third party mediation yesterday, if not years prior.