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The title sounds so typical, but what I actually mean is something different.

Me and my husband already have a lovely 4 year old and since begging of 2018 we are trying for a baby No. 2, but unsuccessfully. After almost 2 years of ttc we find out that the problem lies with him and decide to try ivf (two attempts ware also unsuccessful).

Trying to conceive is taking a heavy toll on the relationship and we had epic arguments because of it, to the point of me wanting to leave the marriage few times.

But my wish that my daughter have a sibling is so huge, that I sometimes find myself staying mostly because of it. My daughter begs us to give her a sister or a brother for more then a year now, she looks soooo sad when she sees that someone has a sibling (and literary everybody around us has at least 2 children). It breaks my heart not to be able to give her that special person, the one who'll always be there.

I could live with not having anymore kids, but I just can't condemn my daughter to being an only child, when she wants a sibling so bad.

Is it wrong to wait with the decision after I get pregnant?

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I am sorry for your situation, but I have to ask. How is it your 4 year old is sooo upset over not having a sibling?

 

I ask because my sons are 5 years apart and outside of one or two curious questions, my first son didn't have the maturity to understand what he was missing. His life was full of playmates and was busy chasing bugs, he didn't stop to feel any loss what so ever over not having a sibling.

 

Not to minimize your desire to have other children, I can't help but think you are either projecting or influencing your young daughter unnecessarily. She'snot at the age to really comprehend what she's missing unless someone is pointing it out to her.

 

I realize this doesn't address your question, but you either accept and appreciate the family you have, adopt or take your chances and move on.

In the meantime, your daughter will be fine. Don't drag her into this.

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OP.

 

I fully agree with Bolt, Reinvent and Seraphim.

 

And you say:

 

"It breaks my heart not to be able to give her that special person, the one who'll always be there."

 

I really do wish there was some way to persuade people to stop saying "always" and "forever". L.

 

OP. You are not "condemning " your child to anything. Many families for one reason or another had only one child. If eventually you do have a second child, well fine. But meantime, do take the advice the other posters are giving you.

 

OP. There was a lot of anxiety going on also back in 2015 relating to an issue about you going to where he was working then.

 

"Also we had a big argument the other day (I was in a wrong and I deeply hurt him) and when we resolved it he asked me not to be as unreasonabl again and to give him some slack coz the work is killing him and he's not sure he can battle on two fronts.

"

Edited by LaHermes
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I am sorry for your situation, but I have to ask. How is it your 4 year old is sooo upset over not having a sibling?

 

I ask because my sons are 5 years apart and outside of one or two curious questions, my first son didn't have the maturity to understand what he was missing. His life was full of playmates and was busy chasing bugs, he didn't stop to feel any loss what so ever over not having a sibling.

 

Not to minimize your desire to have other children, I can't help but think you are either projecting or influencing your young daughter unnecessarily. She'snot at the age to really comprehend what she's missing unless someone is pointing it out to her.

 

I realize this doesn't address your question, but you either accept and appreciate the family you have, adopt or take your chances and move on.

In the meantime, your daughter will be fine. Don't drag her into this.

 

THIS. ^^^^^. what the heck are you saying to your kid? I think some therapy for all of you is needed.

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My brain went immediately to the same place as reinvent's.

 

Kids are highly adaptable, much more so than adults, in large part because they know very, very little about the world compared to us and don't think about their future in the same existential fashion. Especially kids who are only 4. They are the sooooo saddest creatures whoever walked the earth when they don't get a lollipop—at least for a minute or two. Then they move along. Ditto when they don't get a sibling. Or, in some cases, when they do.

 

The impression your post gives is that you are creating a phantom problem in order to avoid confronting a very real one—that you're using a child's brain as a projection screen for your adult drama, or creating a maze to avoid the sharp edge of the straight line. Not sure what that full saga of the drama is, exactly, but it sounds more or less like a very large part of you is thinking that ending your marriage would be healthier, in the long term, to your own life and spirit.

 

You're in the company of millions in that, and of millions before you. Hard stuff that is probably petrifying to really think about, to wrestle with and confront, as it means the potential dismantling of the story that got you to this juncture in your life. But you owe it to yourself, your husband, your daughter and any future children, to confront this with your adult mind, and alongside your husband's adult mind, rather than outsourcing it to your child in order to bend it all into a tale of maternal heroics. That is, to my eyes, magical thinking.

 

Your child will be fine if she's an only child. She'll be fine if her parents are not married forever. She'll be, really, about as fine as her parents are, in their spirits, and right now things do not sound very fine in that sector. In your shoes right now, I would be doing everything possible to confront all that, be it counseling or whatever, so that whatever choice you ultimately make is one is based in logic, not the fog of emotion.

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Quite so Bluecastle.

 

"In your shoes right now, I would be doing everything possible to confront all that, be it counseling or whatever, so that whatever choice you ultimately make is one is based in logic, not the fog of emotion."

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Work things out with your husband. I hope both of you come to some agreement. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and hurt by a situation that is difficult to change. If having a second isn't in the cards for you, you'll have to accept that with grace.

 

I hope you're able to focus on your marriage and realize all the great things you do have. Not everyone is blessed like that or has what you have and you won't have what some others have. That is life. Be thankful for your health and everything else.

 

I also think you may be projecting a lot of your frustrations and yearnings onto your daughter. This is not difficult to do. Teach her to be more self-reliant and confident and assertive when it comes to living and coping in today's world. There are a lot of things you can teach and help her with.

 

Contrary to your belief, siblings will not always be there for one another. A person still needs to develop ways to deal with challenges head on without leaning on their siblings or family members. There is also no guarantee that siblings will get along or want to have anything to do with one another when they grow older.

 

Do you mind me asking if you're an only child?

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So very true, RM.

 

"Contrary to your belief, siblings will not always be there for one another. A person still needs to develop ways to deal with challenges head on without leaning on their siblings or family members. There is also no guarantee that siblings will get along or want to have anything to do with one another when they grow older.

"

 

That aside:

 

Over all these past years there seem to have been a lot of issues. But you married this man anyhow. I have to agree with the poster who recommends counselling. AS it stands the situation isn't looking too great.

 

What do you think?

Edited by LaHermes
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I am sorry for your situation, but I have to ask. How is it your 4 year old is sooo upset over not having a sibling?

 

I ask because my sons are 5 years apart and outside of one or two curious questions, my first son didn't have the maturity to understand what he was missing. His life was full of playmates and was busy chasing bugs, he didn't stop to feel any loss what so ever over not having a sibling.

 

Not to minimize your desire to have other children, I can't help but think you are either projecting or influencing your young daughter unnecessarily. She'snot at the age to really comprehend what she's missing unless someone is pointing it out to her.

 

I realize this doesn't address your question, but you either accept and appreciate the family you have, adopt or take your chances and move on.

In the meantime, your daughter will be fine. Don't drag her into this.

 

I agree.

 

I suggest some counseling, as the arguments are not healthy for your daughter. You are subjecting her to an unhealthy environment.

 

Have you looked into adoption?

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So tired of this deprivation mindset for those of us who have "only" one child. Nonsense IMO. I'm married to an awesome only child and we have one child. One and done. For a number of reasons - some of those are because unless we wanted to adopt (we don't) we were one and done. I love my sister to the moon and back. She wouldn't really talk to me until I was 12 and she was 17. Even though we shared a small room.

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I have a sibling. My brother is two years older than me and growing up I may have gleaned some experiences from having him in my life. I can't safely guarantee it though. I suppose I could say it taught me how *I didn't want to be treated.

 

Though we are close now as adults, we didn't get along as siblings and as a angry teenager he exercized alot of that frusteration out on me. I definitely could have gone with out that experience in my life. From the age 16 til I was about 25 we didn't speak to each other. That was fun.

 

I only point this out because, just because you have a sibling, there are absolutely no guarantees you will even get along, let alone understand each other.

Especially now with a 4 year old. With a stroke of luck you'd have a newborn when she's 5. What do you think they'll have in common?

That was a consideration of mine. Second pregnancies you typically wish for the opposite sex so you'll have both experiences. Realizing the age differences, my hope was for another son so they would at least have that in common. But as it turned out the oldest started kindergarten about the time his brother was born.

 

Yes, they do benefit from having each other in their lives. Being the same sex has alot to do with it. They haven't always gotten along though. Nothing huge. Their temperments are completely opposite and they often dont 'get' each other.

 

But had my oldest been an only child, I have no doubt whatsoever he would have been perfectly fine and no different a person then he is today.

 

I can't for the life of me imagine using the words 'condemn him to being an only child' It says a whole lot about your mindset regarding this. You are blessed by having a precious daughter. Focus on that instead.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Yes, it is wrong and dishonest. You are thinking of using your husband as a sperm donor and dispose of him once you get your way and you are using your daughter as an excuse. That's all kinds of messed up imo. No kid is happy when their parents divorce. Divorce scars kids, yet you are planning on scaring a second child instead of trying to save your first child from experiencing such heart ache by working on saving your marriage. A special person for your daughter is her father, yet you are planning on divorcing him. Giving your daughter a sibling does NOT guarantee that this sibling will always be there. A sibling is not a parent, not all siblings get along or are dependable and some die. Your energy would better be spend on trying to save your marriage.

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If your marriage is rocky, very unhappy and unstable with your husband now, then having a child with him, will make all of you extra miserable for life.

 

A happy, sound, respectful, very loving marriage brings a joyous family life. Anything short of that is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

I know several only children who have fulfilling lives. They surround themselves with great friends for life and have learned to become fiercely independent. It's better for your child to be an only child than bring another child into the world while you're not having a smooth marriage with your husband.

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OP.

 

. . .you say:

 

"It breaks my heart not to be able to give her that special person, the one who'll always be there."

 

I really do wish there was some way to persuade people to stop saying "always" and "forever".

 

So do I. It suggests that there are guarantees in life and the fact is there are not.

 

For the record, when I was about 7 I wanted a sister soooooooo bad. I asked my mother for one repeatedly (since my bratty little brother was such a disappointment) I asked for Christmas, I asked for my birthday. I never got the sister. I got over it.

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Just one thing to clear up - I'm not brainwashing my daughter about sibling. I can't explain it why exactly she got that obsession, becaus for me it's very upsetting when she starts saying things like "mom we can't give that to aunties new baby, I'm saving this dress for MY little sister" or "when I have a sister/brother, we'll do this and that" or "mom, why am I the only one who don't have a sibling". I asked her many times to chill with the sister/brother-talk and she does it for a couple of weeks, but than starts again.

I don't know if that's because every friend she has, has a sibling or why. I DO NOT talk about that with her, because it's just too goddamn painful. I would never plant something like that in her mind, especially as we are struggling with it.

My daughter was always very sensible kid who just loves to love. But unfortunately we don't live in the same country as our family, so it's just three of us most of the free time.

 

Originally I wanted a 2-2.5 years age gap, because I do have a 5 years older sister and we had a very strained relationship till my teenage years. But even thought we have very different personalities that sometimes clash, I love her to deaths and she's my best friend. I want my child to have that. My 2 good friends also have 5-6 years age gap with their sisters and they too have a very special relationships.

 

I know that working on my marriage first and than baby would be the logical step, but the main reason for any tension between us steems from this unfulfilled desire. And since he finally agreed to look for help (in January) we didn't have any big arguments at all until yesterday, as we're told that this second attempt resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

This issue is making our marriage rocky, we are different persons and have different approaches to that problem that are not compatible. I need to read every study about it that's out there and would like to discuss it with him, and he's just the opposite - do what the doctors tell you and don't think too much about it. He's not the one who has to go to the appointments, who has to take handful of drugs daily, who asks herself what's going right now within my body, so he can just continue with his life as before and not think about it every day. I envy him, I would like nothing more than to just live my life like before and treat ivf like some casual occurrence. But I can't, it's literally part of my body for every second of every day (since June I'm constantly in a procedure), I need to organize my whole life around it - no intensive sport, no alcohol, work absences, physical sensations, taking drugs at the specific times etc.

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I understand I wanted another child more than life itself. I had 4 miscarriages trying to have one. Sometimes it is just not in the cards. My son too would go on endlessly about a sibling to anyone who would listen because he saw everybody had a sibling but him. To this day he still doesn’t know one person who is an only and he is almost 23.

 

I would start telling her right now that maybe she may never have a sibling. And just realize for yourself that throwing away your marriage and your child’s family to have another child may just be a pipe dream.

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You are super niave if you believe your 4 year old mysteriously congers up her desires and disappointments.

I promise you if you were able to redirect your own disappointment and struggles with your husband over this, she'll pick up on that.

That's why it's called projection.

It's the energy, attitude and words you choose that influences a young child like this.

Again, the mere fact that you use the words * condemn her to be an only child' is exactly the energy she picks up on. If you were to tell her that she was special and all that you could possibly want, she'd pick up on that too.

You don't need to blantantly brainwash a child to have them react this way and use the words she does.

She picks up on your disappointment and the strife in your marriage to come to this conclusion.

If from the onset you reinforced how special she was that she she was all you needed, she'd pick up on that too.

Maybe a bad analogy.- But I had a neighbor family, who's father was bitten by a dog when he was a small boy. I watched this family instill the same fear into their 3 small children indirectly. While 5 other families were running about with their family pets on a hot summer night, these 3 children ran frightened, home screaming crying. Not based on personal experience, but because their father was afraid of dogs. if I walked my dog, the dad would rush his kids home (Yellow Lab) Honestly, it was sad, and bizarre to watch at the same time.

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If I am influencing her than that's so subconsciously that there's no why I can change it, coz I'm not even aware of doing that. I do tell her all the time that she's our little wonder and because she really IS special, I and my whole family (via WhatsApp) remind her of that, but not to the point of creating a narcissist. I am really proud of what a wonderful little person she's forming into.

Also I am gently preparing her that there's a chance she'll never have a sibling. But she still refuses to give anything she had owned to my sister that's expecting a baby girl soon.

 

reinventmyself I don't think your philosophy, that in order to be a good parent you need to be a saint without desires and fears so you don't subconsciously project them onto your kids, is really realistic. But kids also "decide" according to their own affinity which of our subconscious messages they are going to accept and which don't. I can't just switch off my desire to give her a sibling, it's one of my core values, but I do not consciously talk about it to her and avoid that theme altogether when she's around.

 

For an example I hate seagrass and when it touches me I act as if a crocodile touched me. But I explain it to my daughter that my oversensitivity is irrational and it's just weed, but that I can't change my reaction

(or more don't want to invest energy into it), but wish for her not to be a sissy like her mom.

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