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What do you do when you can feel someone distance themselves from you?


decibelx
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This girl [21] and I [28] have been texting almost daily for awhile and we really hit it off. We met in a class at uni, where I'm a back to school adult student. All of a sudden, her replies started getting less enthusiastic. I was confused at first because the only other time she reacted this way was when she was pissed off. However, I hadn't done anything wrong this time around (I hadn't done anything wrong the first time around either tbf-- I was just out to lunch to catch up with an old female friend), so naturally I began to get paranoid. Turns out she had developed a crush on this new classmate she met in one of her Zoom classes literally a week ago. Although she still replies me I can feel her starting to lose interest and it sucks.

 

Am I supposed to remain civil, distance myself or cut her off?

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Distance yourself and keep things friendly. There's no reason to get bitter or behave rudely (ie. not civil). She sounds very immature, OP. At 21, she needs to do all those things. You're both at different stages.

 

Yeah, you're right. I got too attached, too fast. I guess loneliness does that to you.

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What do you want out of this? A relationship? If she is interested in someone else, that is not likely to happen. So you need to figure out if you okay with just being friends with her. If you are, then be friendly and keep in touch with her as you would anyone else. There's no need to avoid her or cut off contact, you might be missing out on a great friendship and some wonderful times and memories.

 

Be you and be nice. Nature will take it from there.

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We've met in person as well. In fact we still have plans to hang out this weekend, which so far she hasn't cancelled. She doesn't know that I figured out about her shiny new object of affection though.

Did you come on too strong? (Kiss, heart, lovey dovey emojis, etc). This can turn some girls off if it comes across too strong. And I hate to say it, but she'll likely cancel. She seems like she's lost interest, so if that's the case, hanging out with her will only bring you heartache. Because she isn't going to be as affectionate as you want her to be, and you'll be worse off for it. Feeling rejected and having your hopes crushed. And she has a new interest.

 

What you should do is be a real G and cancel the date now. Don't go into a lengthy explanation, and don't get mushy. Just say that you've been thinking about it and you don't think hanging out is a good idea. If she's over you at least you can leave on a good note with some respect. It's going to be hard for you to do, but you'll be better off for it. And just go N/C. This will start the healing process sooner rather than later.

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It sounds to me like she only views you as a friend at best .

But at worst sees you as someone that gives her attention.

 

Perhaps when you met a female friend for lunch she felt like she wasn’t getting the attention she craves from whomever gives it to her?

 

She either is not interested or someone you shouldn’t be interested in.

 

So let it go. ?

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Did you come on too strong? (Kiss, heart, lovey dovey emojis, etc). This can turn some girls off if it comes across too strong. And I hate to say it, but she'll likely cancel. She seems like she's lost interest, so if that's the case, hanging out with her will only bring you heartache. Because she isn't going to be as affectionate as you want her to be, and you'll be worse off for it. Feeling rejected and having your hopes crushed. And she has a new interest.

 

What you should do is be a real G and cancel the date now. Don't go into a lengthy explanation, and don't get mushy. Just say that you've been thinking about it and you don't think hanging out is a good idea. If she's over you at least you can leave on a good note with some respect. It's going to be hard for you to do, but you'll be better off for it. And just go N/C. This will start the healing process sooner rather than later.

 

No I didn't. If anything, I might have gotten there too slow because I'm not very confident when it comes to showing affection. Through text or otherwise.

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How did you figure this out?

 

A mutual friend of ours who is in that particular class told me. He also said she seems to be a flighty person and not to invest too much into it, but me being me thought I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

If she doesn't cancel this weekend, I'll try to sus her out.

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don't cancel be yourself see what comes off the meeting and be happy with yourself, be decent :) and nice.

All that matters is a positive and fun attitude.

if she doesn't like you understand that someone else will definitely like you. you just haven't met yet.

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You said that you've been texting a while, and then in a later post, you said you were too slow in pursuing. Yes, once you get into a few weeks of texting and you have an interest in dating and see signals from her, you need to ask a woman on a date. She was likely frustrated and acting out with your inaction, not that that's appropriate, but just what I'm guessing is the case.

 

I remember something similar happening when I was in community college. I was interested in a guy in my soccer class and gave him a signal, and then we started communicating. Eventually he asked me not on a proper date, but to go with him to see his cousin who was in the military and was briefly in town. The outing was awkward, and the guy I was once interested in clearly didn't have confidence and lacked dating skills, so I let that fade and went on to date someone else. He seemed like a nice guy, but his lack of confidence started to turn me off.

 

Regardless, I doubt anything would've come of this dating relationship since the age gap at these stages in your lives can present problems. Her adult brain won't even fully form for another four years, whereas yours was complete 3 years ago. Read some articles on boosting your self esteem, as confidence is something that attracts a partner more than stunning good looks.

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I think it's a bit condescending to talk about her "shiny new object" when, at this point, that's what she's been to you: someone five minutes out of adolescence that has provided some text-fueled shine to your days. Bummer to think that might be ebbing, I understand, but it's a thing that happens.

 

Want to see about a date? Ask someone on a date. Want to enjoy the nebulous flutter of texting and hanging? All good, but you can't then judge someone for fluttering away. Sprinkles are only so satisfying without the ice cream, so to speak. And ice cream is only so satisfying if it's the full meal, something to keep in mind with the age difference here. You've been an adult almost three times as long as she has.

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don't cancel be yourself see what comes off the meeting and be happy with yourself, be decent :) and nice.

All that matters is a positive and fun attitude.

if she doesn't like you understand that someone else will definitely like you. you just haven't met yet.

 

Exactly. Try not to turn this into a cycle of wondering does she like me. Don't try to "sus her out." You'll only serve to drive yourself crazy. Just be you and have fun with her. Be open and honest with her and with yourself. Follow your gut and follow your heart. It tends to know what is best, even if we don't realize it or don't like what it's telling us.

 

Best of luck to you.

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I think it's a bit condescending to talk about her "shiny new object" when, at this point, that's what she's been to you: someone five minutes out of adolescence that has provided some text-fueled shine to your days. Bummer to think that might be ebbing, I understand, but it's a thing that happens.

 

Want to see about a date? Ask someone on a date. Want to enjoy the nebulous flutter of texting and hanging? All good, but you can't then judge someone for fluttering away. Sprinkles are only so satisfying without the ice cream, so to speak. And ice cream is only so satisfying if it's the full meal, something to keep in mind with the age difference here. You've been an adult almost three times as long as she has.

 

I bought three tubs of sugar free ice-cream. Thank you for reminding me! Don't ask me what I was thinking. I think I wanted every flavour available. No sprinkles though.

 

I'm not really sure about that date though, Decibel. If she's not doing it for you, don't waste each others' time. If it seems premature, then go on the date and keep an open mind.

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So are you actually dating or you were just talking as friends? If you like her then why don't you actually just tell her? I think getting crushes is normal but it doesn't always mean she'll end up dating that guy. Maybe he's not even into her...If you want to know how she feels about you then just ask!

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