Is it worth it to date in a different country

[bonbon]

Hello all,

 

I've spent two years living abroad in a great city. I've made many new friends, developed my career and learnt a new language/culture. I originally planned to spend 7 months here, but I enjoyed it so much I stayed.

 

I have been dating the most amazing man I've ever met for the last few months. We are falling in love, and I know he's serious about me.

 

However... I am starting to realise I'm not sure I want to live here forever. It's not my home, it's not my language. I'm actually not that far away from my family (1hr plane) - but thinking longterm, it's still far from them. If I have kids, I can't raise them in this country, in a different language, far away from my parents who could help me as babysitters etc. I know I'm thinking way too far ahead but sometimes it's good to do that!?

 

Further, I don't think I can have a career as good here as I could back in my home country. My job contract has ended and I'm trying to find a new job here. But I can't find one I like. And I'm not sure of my motives for staying beyond my boyfriend...

 

So the story is basically: What do I do about my boyfriend!? I have to tell him I'm having doubts I want to live here anymore. And because it's a new relationship, we're probably better off braking up now? That makes me soooo sad. I love the idea of falling in love and spending my life with him. I could just see how it goes... But I don't know if that's a good idea?

 

What are your thoughts? I'm starting to get very stressed and losing sleep over this.

 

I know me and him have common goals: Same philosophy on life, both want kids, both want to travel first, both are family-orientated. But we are not from the same country.

[abitbroken]

A few months is not enough to stay in a country for someone. Just tell him that you may be going back to your home country awhile if you can't find a job. He may be willing to date you long distance (a one hour plane ride is not so bad) or it may have just been a nice romance. BTW, how does the culture view women? Is the culture pretty similar to yours (both Western countries or both Asian countries, for example). Because if he is in a culture where women don't have it so good or the expectations are that you would have to stop working, he is charming now, but won't always be. You say you love the IDEA of falling in love and spending your life with him but its just an idea. Don't give up your family and country -- see if he is willing to go the distance

[LaHermes]

Bonbon.

 

The choice is entirely yours. You've been in that country for two years. And it isn't as if it is on the other side of the globe. If you are an hour from France you can't be too far away.

 

People raise their children in countries other than their own, all the time. Babysitters can be procured anywhere.

 

I lived in a different European country all my life or most of it up to now. Well, to be exact in a few different European countries. I know many many others who did the same as me. Different European cultures are amazing.

 

But, we are all different. You sound undecided. If this is the man for you then go for it.

 

A line to think on.

 

"Never wait or hesitate, get in kid before it's too late, you may never get another chance".

 

Try not to overthink or futurise, OP.

 

Or, go to your country (only an hour away) for a few weeks, see how you feel about being back there. You may find it will clear your mind, for the better.

 

Good luck

 

Aaah. Just to add. I know you suffered a bit from anxiety. That is probably why you are in this state of doubt.

[bonbon]

:( I should have mentioned I'm not at all interested in a long-distance relationship. So it would have to be a definite break up. That's not because I don't love him (or almost love him enough. It's just my personal view on relationships and quality of life.

 

I'm so heartbroken. Life is never easy

[Rose Mosse]

This isn't about your bf but your productivity and your lack of a job right now (or finding meaning outside of the relationship). Most people thrive with some kind of purpose instead of languishing or feeding off a relationship's highs and lows. It's not very reliable in the long run especially of you're looking for personal fulfillment and a sense of your own accomplishment outside of growing a family or being married.

 

I think you should work on yourself and stop overthinking the relationship right now. You're focusing on the wrong area while another area needs more attention.

[LaHermes]

Can you say Bonbon what you mean by this:

 

"It's just my personal view on relationships and quality of life.

"

 

Certainly you should think of career, particularly as you are still young. In present circumstances looking for a job anywhere is not a simple task.

 

Just take it easy, don't do anything in a panic, and do not try to fortune tell. lol.

 

Gee Bonbon, the UK and France are almost beside each other. There are some who actually swim that channel.

[bonbon]

Bonbon.

 

The choice is entirely yours. You've been in that country for two years. And it isn't as if it is on the other side of the globe. If you are an hour from France you can't be too far away.

 

People raise their children in countries other than their own, all the time. Babysitters can be procured anywhere.

 

I lived in a different European country all my life or most of it up to now. Well, to be exact in a few different European countries. I know many many others who did the same as me. Different European cultures are amazing.

 

But, we are all different. You sound undecided. If this is the man for you then go for it.

 

A line to think on.

 

"Never wait or hesitate, get in kid before it's too late, you may never get another chance".

 

Try not to overthink or futurise, OP.

 

Or, go to your country (only an hour away) for a few weeks, see how you feel about being back there. You may find it will clear your mind, for the better.

 

Good luck

 

Aaah. Just to add. I know you suffered a bit from anxiety. That is probably why you are in this state of doubt.

 

 

 

 

Thanks so much LaHermes for your thoughtful response. I will think about it. Yes I do suffer from anxiety so episodes of doubt like this happen to me frequently. It's definitely been worse since living abroad, because I don't have my support network. When I'm with the man I feel totally fine. He's gone on holiday with his friends this week then I realised that I don't have much support here apart from him, and it's not entirely safe to rely on one person. So maybe I need to cut my losses and move back. I don't know.

 

It is only me who can decide I know. Thanks for listening

[bonbon]

This isn't about your bf but your productivity and your lack of a job right now (or finding meaning outside of the relationship). Most people thrive with some kind of purpose instead of languishing or feeding off a relationship's highs and lows. It's not very reliable in the long run especially of you're looking for personal fulfillment and a sense of your own accomplishment outside of growing a family or being married.

 

I think you should work on yourself and stop overthinking the relationship right now. You're focusing on the wrong area while another area needs more attention.

 

Yeah you're very right. I think he is the same as me, also lacking a job and a purpose, and we both created more meaning to life together super fast... maybe it's not the most healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with us I just think we are in a tricky stage of life. And the pandemic hasn't helped. I think we would be great if we both had a job. Maybe time will tell

[LaHermes]

You'll be fine Bonbon. Surely while in France over the past two years you've been over and back across the Channel to see friends/family? Crikey, on a clear day you could almost wave to them from the French coast!

 

Tell me, do you know any or many members of HIS family. Friendship with them or even with friends of his?

 

You will get jobs. This present scenario isn't going to last forever. It's not terrific in the U.K. either.

 

Again, Bonbon, as you are young, take your time before considering marriage. In twelve months so much can happen.

 

I'm getting nostalgic here for the time I lived where you are now. At age 17.

[bonbon]

Can you say Bonbon what you mean by this:

 

"It's just my personal view on relationships and quality of life.

"

 

Certainly you should think of career, particularly as you are still young. In present circumstances looking for a job anywhere is not a simple task.

 

Just take it easy, don't do anything in a panic, and do not try to fortune tell. lol.

 

Gee Bonbon, the UK and France are almost beside each other. There are some who actually swim that channel.

 

Hahaha, they are very close I know >

 

The job thing is important to me and as you said, the job market is bleak. I've kind of resigned to the fact that I won't find a career I love any time soon, and I'm ok with it. For me other things are more important.

 

What I wanted to do in the next two years is travel with my man. See the world, enjoy life. COVID has a different plan however. So like everyone, feeling a bit defeated and confused. Not great timing.

 

"relationships and quality of life" for me is - I know I would not enjoy a long distance relationship. My anxiety would skyrocket. And I know it wouldn't be worth it to me unless it's only for a few months to study or something.

[bonbon]

You'll be fine Bonbon. Surely while in France over the past two years you've been over and back across the Channel to see friends/family? Crikey, on a clear day you could almost wave to them from the French coast!

 

Tell me, do you know any or many members of HIS family. Friendship with them or even with friends of his?

 

You will get jobs. This present scenario isn't going to last forever. It's not terrific in the U.K. either.

 

Again, Bonbon, as you are young, take your time before considering marriage. In twelve months so much can happen.

 

I'm getting nostalgic here for the time I lived where you are now. At age 17.

 

:) Thank you LaHermes. Yeah I usually visit home every two months or so for at least a week (I was a teacher so had lots of holidays) so probably the same amount as if I lived in the UK anyway!! COVID is making it seem far because I can't go at the moment.

[LaHermes]

Yes. I am aware of the clampdown introduced a few days ago by UK authorities on people returning from France. Mad dash by those 150.000 or so holidaymakers to the ferry ports to meet that 4 a.m. deadline. !!!

[bonbon]

 

Tell me, do you know any or many members of HIS family. Friendship with them or even with friends of his?

 

.

 

Yes :) He knows I need more connections and he's very kindly taken me to visit his family in the south and we hang out with his friends frequently who I really like

[bonbon]

Yes. I am aware of the clampdown introduced a few days ago by UK authorities on people returning from France. Mad dash by those 150.000 or so holidaymakers to the ferry ports to meet that 4 a.m. deadline. !!!

 

Yep!! Chaos!

[bonbon]

It's just, I don't think I can lie in bed beside him anymore knowing that I'm unsure if I want to live here forever.

 

BF out of picture: I'm chill, can decide in my own time what I'm doing

 

BF in picture: huge amount of guilt and worry, don't want to hurt him.

[LaHermes]

Well, it is up to you. Depends on how strongly you feel about him. Take some time out. And I would recommend you have a talk with someone (not a family member) but an objective third party so that you can gain better clarity.

 

Remember, it isn't as if you are in Australia or Outer Mongolia.

 

And also have an in-depth talk with him, explain what you have said to us on here. See where that takes you.

 

Ultimately, it is your call.

 

Try to avoid the guilt and worry!

[Andrina]

With the traveling I've done in my lifetime, when single when I was young, and single after my first marriage ended, I found that I always found guys who I shared chemistry with on those trips. But of course, those brief flirtations never amounted to serious situations, since you go back to the reality that you don't permanently live by each other.

 

You're wise to think of the major barriers and negative consequences of making a life elsewhere, giving up all the pros you'll have, making a life where you can have the support of family and longtime friends.

 

I was a Navy wife, and how nice it would've been to have my mother help out after I gave birth for the first time. My parents didn't meet my daughter until she was 6 months old.

 

One thing I've learned during my life is to not make major decisions when you haven't known someone at least a year. Because before that, you've only scratched the surface of who another person is.

 

In your shoes, I'd probably tell him exactly what's on your mind. I'd tell him you envision your life in your hometown, and that you can't do long distance, so there can be no or minimal contact, depending on what's best. Therefore, if he ever decides to make that move to your hometown, that if you both are still single, dating could resume at a normal pace. No moving in together, until regularly dating at least a year or more. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

Move home, since you don't have a job at this point. It will be bittersweet to part ways, but stay in touch until one of you starts dating locally.

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here.

 

Be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Tell him exactly how you feel and that you wish to remain realistic regarding not remaining permanently abroad.

 

It's not a good idea to "see how it goes." My thoughts are to end it now because being realistic about this situation is "less sad" than prolonging a relationship that is going nowhere except the inevitable end.

 

Go home and get a job and then "see how it goes." Be practical.

[LaHermes]

For heaven's sakes, it isn't "abroad". It's an hour at most from OP's country, across a narrow stretch of channel.

 

Definitely tell your BF how you feel. Do NOT end it now. I've been around and then some, and I dislike sudden decisions based on anxiety.

 

Think, and think hard, OP.

 

If you were, for example, working in Edinburgh, you'd be further away from "home base" than you are now. You know as well as I do how disastrous it is in the UK right now, and don't bank on getting the type of work you might want. Please take all that into consideration. Cherlyn, it isn't as simple as get "get a job at home". "Home" is pure chaos at the moment.

 

Again, you are young, so no need to rush into marriage or anything else. But my sincere advice is OP stay where you are for the time being.

[bonbon]

Ok so in the midst of all this I got a job offer! Not my ideal job but it's something in the education industry and it will keep me going for now.

 

Even if BF wasn't in the picture I wouldn't be leaving to back home in a rush. I have a cool apartment here which I share with friends, many hobbies and a social life. It's just that I don't know if it's FOREVER. Maybe 1-2 years. But I don't know.

 

I will talk to him about it when he's back from his holiday on Friday. I will say I want to be open, I'm feeling anxious because I'm not sure if I want to live here forever. Definitely 1-2 years but beyond that I think I want to go back home.

Or I could ask first if he thinks he'll live here forever. I don't even know that.

[bonbon]

And although it's true you don't know someone until a year or more, I have dated quite a few people and I've had a long-term relationship before. I know this one is special already. It's better than any of them. But if he is the one, he will understand. And we will work it out. And if not, he's not the one.

[SherrySher]

You're not the only one who has had this exact problem. My friend met someone in France, fell in love and didn't know what to do. She tried staying in France and tried integrating into his life, but sadly, she felt France was a good place to visit but didn't want to be there permanently.

 

It was much harder on both of them a few years into the relationship when she finally had to be honest with him and herself and go back home.

 

Honestly, when she got back home, she was very happy and relieved. Home is where the heart is, as they say. You can try to force yourself to be somewhere you don't want to be, but there's a good chance you'll never be happy.

 

I agree with Cherylyn, tell your boyfriend and give him the option of moving to UK, or nothing. Don't pretend, don't hem and haw, just give it to him straight.

 

It doesn't mean you and he have to all of a sudden become serious, it doesn't even mean you have to stay there. Just let him know that if he wants to continue seeing you, he's going to have to accept that you're going back to UK and he will have to move too.

 

If you don't feel you know him well enough yet for that speech, wish him well and end things.

[SherrySher]

I know this one is special already. It's better than any of them.

 

No, you don't know for sure. Loads of people have been in your shoes where they were wowed by someone and felt like they were "the one"...only to see more sides of them down the road and 6 months into the relationship or more, and they saw sides they didn't like or didn't get along with or found unattractive.

 

In the beginning of any relationship, everyone is on their best behavior. That doesn't mean that's who they are, or that it's real. People show you only what they want you to see, but unless you've seen him hungry, sick, angry, frustrated, extremely tired, scared, enraged, etc.....you do not know him.

Hard to even say if you've seen the skeletons in his closet yet or if he's even been totally honest with you about everything.

 

It take a long time to see all those sides and to see if you truly do match. Give it more time. Wait it out and don't rush into anything.

[bonbon]

It's always too good to be true :(

I've spent my whole life being heartbroken by guys. Now I've met the nicest one in the world, one who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

 

I can't ask him to move. I can't bare the thought of him being away from his family, his friends, having to go out and find a job and meet people from scratch. I don't wish that upon him just for the sake of me. I know him enough to know he can't do that. It's not his personality.

 

All I can do is talk to him about it.