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My ex (29M) broke up with me near the end of July, his main reason was that he had lost feelings for me and thought it would have lasted longer?? We've been dating for 5 months and never had any arguments that would drive him away. There are other reasons too that causes this break up according to his words such as lifestyle and personality differences (which I found to be BS because our personality aren't majorly different). He just couldn't see this relationship in long term but yet he doesn't know what he wants in a relationship or what to do in life career wise. He said he doesn't want to be alone when he grow old yet he's fine being alone. He also said there are issues in the relationship that can't be fixed but never really clarified what the non fixable issues are (sounds like grass is greener syndrome?). He felt responsible for making someone else happy and thinks he can't meet my needs (constant affection). Ever since quarantined happened, he had lost his job and became depressed again. Doesn't really have a college degree and his savings for college is completely drained just from paying for rent and food. His depression got worst overtime causing him to have low self esteem and motivation to do anything, I tried to be there for him and support but there's nothing much I can do since he needs self help and therapy.

 

Don't get me wrong, he is a really sweet and caring guy. He was the one who made me feel confident and happy about who I am and my appearance, still am even if we have broken up. Our relationship is healthy and we would often share our feelings to each other but after the breakup, I've been feeling heartbroken and missing him each passing days. It hurts me even more hearing him saying he only see me as a "friend" and not romantically, even offered to stay as friends but I declined. I've been in no contact with him for 3 weeks now and focusing on myself because I realize that there were few problems within myself that needed to be fix. I am giving him time and space for both of our sake, hoping that he would become happy again. I do, however, want us to get back together again but I don't know if he will ever reconcile.

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There are a lot of issues for such a short-lived relationship. He has a lot on his plate and not capable of a relationship.

 

I think a bigger concern is your insecurities and need for constant reassurance. This is exhausting for any partner. I strongly suggest that you seek some counseling and deal with these issues, or you will not be able to sustain a relationship. This has to come from you, not others!

 

Stay no contact. All the best!

Edited by Hollyj
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Try not to smother anyone. This is refered to as being an emotional vampire.

 

Being in relationships in order to feed voids is draining and it doesn't work. You need to find comfort and security in yourself.

 

Stay busy with work and school and your family , friends and interests .

 

Never try to fix or change people. It implies they are broken and defective.

Constant affection as in talking to him nonstop and asking him for reassurance
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Constant affection as in talking to him nonstop and asking him for reassurance

 

What you describe is a very UNhealthy relationship.

 

It’s not simply a case of grass is greener elsewhere. But the grass actually IS greener elsewhere.

 

You , yourself have identified the issue here. And that issue is yours and yours alone.

Something YOU need to address BEFORE entering a relationship again otherwise you will never develop a healthy relationship.

This clearly cannot happen with him.

But it CAN happen with another but only once you have resolved your insecurity. Which is you understanding what you are insecure about, why you are and how you can self soothe rather than rely on another?

 

Good luck!!

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It hurts, but you have to trust that he knows his own heart and mind, and knows this isn't a match for him.

 

A lot of relationships fizzle out around this point as one person realizes they don't have the right feelings to continue. You saw it as a great relationship, but unfortunately he doesn't share that view. Accept it gracefully, and carry on. He wasn't the right one, but if you take the lessons here moving forward (not to seek out constant reassurance) then your next relationship will be happier.

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There was no reason for him to go into every detail of why he wanted to end things, because neither was he obliged to, but he also probably foresaw you'd argue the point, just as when you pooh-poohed his statement about your personalities being too different.

 

Even if you didn't argue, he knows how he feels and felt something was lacking--that important element that makes one relish the thought of being with someone a lifetime.

 

You sought magic words from him, apparently, clamoring to know if you two were a love match he saw as a long term thing. Why didn't you have a wait and see attitude, living in the moment, and observing whether or not he was putting daily effort into the relationship and making you a priority? Why did you need affirming words? Nobody wants to be around a ball of anxiety. Someone with confidence is the biggest attractor when it comes to dating. Think about how you might have contributed to the demise of something that might've been good if you'd relaxed your neediness. He didn't care enough work on any issues to salvage the relationship, so I'd give up on any hope of reconciliation. Work on yourself for now, so you'll be a mentally healthy partner to a future love. Take care.

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If you desire lots of attention and it wore him out ....that's incompatibility. There is someone out there for you that feels equally the same as you. Your relationship with your ex was unbalanced so it failed. There's no fixing that, just move on and meet someone new. Hit the restart button, and go looking.

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I think everyone misses the point here. Yes I know the constant affection is a problem and had stopped smothering him ever since the start of June, that was when I started working on myself. It's strange though because my previous relationship was different because I was never seeking out constant affection but the moment I went into this one, the need for constant affection happened. It doesn't happen on a daily basis. I don't ask for constant reassurance every single days since I would often keep the feelings to myself. Talking on a daily basis with him is a different story. I told him if he wants alone time and space he needs to tell me but he never did, started pushing me away. During June that's when I noticed and decided to do it myself.

Edited by salmonpie
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I think just leave it for now. Even if he was capable of understanding you or working on the relationship, his personal situation is riddled with holes and issues. He has a lot of work to do on himself.

 

If you care about him, leave him alone. Let time do the talking. Focus more on you, work on your self-esteem, rebuild your love of other things and get in touch with other hobbies and stay busy, challenge yourself intellectually, physically.

 

If you're uncertain or feeling insecure about your appearance, focus on working from the inside out and removing those toxic, negative thoughts. Replenish yourself and keep yourself in good form - mentally and emotionally.

 

You may find this person is not what you need at all because he has so little to offer you.

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Yes I know the constant affection is a problem and had stopped smothering him ever since the start of June, that was when I started working on myself. It's strange though because my previous relationship was different because I was never seeking out constant affection but the moment I went into this one, the need for constant affection happened. It doesn't happen on a daily basis. I don't ask for constant reassurance every single days since I would often keep the feelings to myself.

 

While all the above may be true, he cited it as one of the reasons he doesn't feel this is right for him. You can trust that even though it didn't seem like it was too much or un-fixable on your end, he saw it as something that was significant enough to contribute to his decision to end it.

 

Maybe you sensed on some level that he wasn't as into you as you were into him, so you sought out his reassurance more than you might if he were displaying equal interest in this. It's hard to say.

 

In any event, you should never feel compelled to campaign for someone to be with you. If they're not feeling it, it's not worth your time or energy trying to make it happen.

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When someone tells you that they don't see a future with you, believe them and also understand that this isn't about you.

 

We all have an image internally that we carry of what our partner should be and when we date, we are trying to sort out if this person matches up with that inner image. When we decide that it doesn't match up, we break up. Again, this isn't about you, who you are, what you have to offer, etc, etc, etc, so please don't take it personally because it isn't. It's also why he can't be specific about what's wrong....precisely because he doesn't see you as wrong or broken or anything negative, just not the right match.

 

Think of it like the guy is into bbw and you are a 120lb sylph. By all general standards, you are gorgeous and look like a model and turn heads wherever you walk, but for this guy....sure he might date you for a bit because he wants to try and thinks he should, but that something is missing for him, the "it" factor because in reality his internal meter is adjusted differently and you two just don't click on his end. Wrong pot, wrong lid. Best that you accept that and let it go and seek your right pot/lid combo. This guy wasn't it and it doesn't make either one of you wrong or less than, just wrong for each other. Let it go and move on with your head held high. He was actually very honest with you where he stands and he didn't string you along or give you hope.

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Getting back together in the future? Sorry, that ship has sailed. :upset:

 

You're better than that and you deserve the best. He's not the best. Don't be blindsided by his sweet and caring guy persona because he's not that great nor caring. He failed the test. He wasn't so sweet and caring when the going got rough. You've discovered the unsavory side to his character which is what you need to pay attention to.

 

People are nice whenever life is gravy such as smooth economics, no bread 'n butter issues to speak of and relationships are all about chirping birds and butterflies. Then when life turns upside down, suddenly characters and personalities rear its ugly head to the point of disgusting. Heed those red warning flags and alarms because they're there for a reason.

 

Get a harsh reality check. Never be with a person who grows hot and cold on you based upon where they're at in life otherwise you're setting yourself up for more unnecessary angst, grief and pain. Don't hope for him because he'll only disappoint you repeatedly and then you'll kick yourself for being so naive.

 

Continue no contact, ghost, block and delete him. Focus on yourself and stay strong. Remain tough, steadfast and unwavering. Keep moving forward and don't look back.

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