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What to do now, need help


RandoAnom

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About a month and a half had passed since me [19M] and my [19F] have broken up. We went a month without contacting one another and that was really hard on me. I wanted to talk to her everyday, but knew space was good for the long run of getting back together.

 

For about 3 weeks now, my ex has been going to therapy to deal with some past trauma. This is an awesome thing and I fully support her doing this. We talked about a week ago for the first time since that month hiatus and it was a nice casual conversation.

 

Fast forward to tonight, I texted her asking if we could talk because my sister went to the er and I needed her to talk too. She called me (thank god) and we talked over the phone. She tells me about how last night she was with a coworker of hers and that they had been hanging out these last few weeks. She said how they were making out and that she made clear that she didn't want anything sexual, and she was dealing with ptsd. He completely ignored her and basically tried to assault her and she left completely broken.

 

This tore me up. And all I did was try to comfort and be there for her on the phone. I offered for us to possibly take a day trip somewhere to get away and she said she didn't want to open that can of worms. During that intense phone call, she said how I never would do anything like that to her and im so glad to here her say that.

 

She is therapy tomorrow afternoon and I need help with my course of actions. Should I try to call her after the sessions or maybe text? Or should I wait for her to call or text? This ing guy still works with her and I dont trust him one bit. Please, what should I do? I don't want to come on too strong too soon. But I want to support her during this horrible time. Thank you

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I don't want to try and get her back instantly, I know that will only ruin my chances and our relationship. I just want to be there for her from me to her with no strings or relationship anything. Is that best for me to try and reach out and support her? She knows she can talk to me whenever, but I know she isn't the type to reach out if she needs help. Thanks

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When you broke up was there any suggestion from her that she would want to get back together?

 

It sounds like you simply used no contact in order for that to happen which is not what no contact is for. Its meant to be a way of you moving forward and processing the breakup .

 

Who initiated contact a week ago and why?

It sounds like you did because at that time she was making out with another guy?

Did she tell you about him then?

 

And why would you call her when your sister went to ER?

Why not call a friend or family member? Why call an ex?

And why did she then at that point tell you some guy she was making out with for a few weeks try to assault her?

 

It’s like you called her “hey I’m upset because my sister went to ER” and her reply is to take the attention from that and say “I was assaulted by a guy I’ve been making out since we split”

 

Who would do that???

 

You said she is not the kind of person who would reach out for help but your post suggests otherwise. She is getting therapy. That’s reaching out for help and help from the right people.

 

You need to go no contact again and realise it’s for your benefit to get past this relationship.

 

You have gone back to square one. Start again. Good luck!

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Have you asked yourself why she needs to tell you about making out with coworkers?

 

It seems like you are suffocating her and used an excuse to contact her.

 

Although you have clearly read the get your ex back rubbish , no contact is not a tool to get someone back. Especially someone who tells you she's hopping into cars with coworkers to make out.

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Unfortunately, you two are broken up and it does look pretty obvious that you are using excuses to contact her and she sees it.

 

She has already told you she's not wanting to 'open that can of worms again'. And that was a nice way of telling you to back off about dating.

 

She hasn't asked you for help and it doesn't sound like she's wanting it. You need to let things lie. She knows how to contact you, if she wants to.

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You used the excuse of your sister being sick to call her for support. She in turn tells you here recent trauma and leans on you for support.

This is not what healthy relationships are built on. Certainly not failed ones, that are in need to really solid and healthy reason to reconcile.

It's never a good idea to try to bond over traumas.

She's already seeking the attention of other men and though the outcome was not good, it isn't a good sign that she interested in reconciling with you.

Don't demote yourself to being her friend that she confides in about her dating dilemmas.

19 is very young and you both have alot of maturing to do. Add in she's in therapy dealing with her issues, she will likely not be the same person you once knew after she has worked through them.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but I would move on from this. I am sorry.

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You Are contacting her for all sorts of reasons. Why did you break up? Is that issue fixed?

 

Getting back together takes two. It's not some tricks and games totally in your control as those get-your-ex-back scam sites claim.

 

The more you read those sites and try that stuff, the more time you are wasting.

 

Leave her alone, but for your own sake...to reflect if you even want someone who friendzones you, claims they are mentally ill and hops in cars to make out with coworkers.

So if the np contact method isn't for getting back together, what is?
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About a month and a half had passed since me [19M] and my [19F] have broken up. We went a month without contacting one another and that was really hard on me. I wanted to talk to her everyday, but knew space was good for the long run of getting back together.

 

For about 3 weeks now, my ex has been going to therapy to deal with some past trauma. This is an awesome thing and I fully support her doing this. We talked about a week ago for the first time since that month hiatus and it was a nice casual conversation.

 

Fast forward to tonight, I texted her asking if we could talk because my sister went to the er and I needed her to talk too. She called me (thank god) and we talked over the phone. She tells me about how last night she was with a coworker of hers and that they had been hanging out these last few weeks. She said how they were making out and that she made clear that she didn't want anything sexual, and she was dealing with ptsd. He completely ignored her and basically tried to assault her and she left completely broken.

 

This tore me up. And all I did was try to comfort and be there for her on the phone. I offered for us to possibly take a day trip somewhere to get away and she said she didn't want to open that can of worms. During that intense phone call, she said how I never would do anything like that to her and im so glad to here her say that.

 

She is therapy tomorrow afternoon and I need help with my course of actions. Should I try to call her after the sessions or maybe text? Or should I wait for her to call or text? This ing guy still works with her and I dont trust him one bit. Please, what should I do? I don't want to come on too strong too soon. But I want to support her during this horrible time. Thank you

 

Pardon??

 

Your sister was in the ER and you needed support and she began divulging saucy details about her make out session with another man? This is all wrong. Please take a very good look at the dynamic. It's not healthy. Not only is there a total lack of boundaries, she's completely got her head in the sand and you're bending over backwards trying to please her.

 

My suggestion is to stop for a moment and take a deep breath. If this is the pattern of your interactions and the way the both of you have been functioning, it is dysfunctional. Don't rely on her for emotional support regarding your personal issues or family issues from now on and stop trying to fix all her issues. I think you are extraordinarily vulnerable and in a lot of pain. It's making you do and say things that are completely inappropriate given the situation. Her dating issues are not your issues and you are no longer in a relationship.

 

It would be a healthy step forward creating better boundaries.

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