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Trouble understanding his intentions?


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I (24f) met this guy, J (24m), at a party a week ago. After chatting for the majority of the night, he asked for my number and set a reminder on his phone to text me the next day just in case he forgot (we were both very inebriated). The next day he texted me right when his reminder went off, and we both agreed to get together over the weekend for drinks. I suggested a place and a time, and halfway thru the week he reached out to confirm if we were still on. We ended up having a great time and extending our “date” to a full blown night out with both his friends and mine. His friends all took a liking to me, and I ended up having a discussion with his roommate. I told him I really liked J, but was getting “just friends” vibes from him- mainly because he had yet to make a move or say anything remotely flirty to me all night. His roommate assured me that J had been looking forward to our meet up all week, but “is not the type of guy to make the first move”. (He also told me J likes “having an emotional connection before sleeping with someone” and recently got out of a 4 year relationship). He advised me to kiss J, so I did. From that point on, he was a lot more physically affectionate. So I guess his roommate was right.

 

By the end of the night, we were making out pretty heavily, and he hit me with “are you sure you don’t want to come home with me?” I declined, telling him I wasn’t that type of girl, and he apologized and told me he understood (basically negating what his roommate had told me earlier). We said goodbye, and not even 30 mins after leaving the party, he texted me. The thing is, the text was a comment about my body... He then texted me again letting me know he made it home and that we would see each other again soon. I then drunkenly told him I couldn’t stop thinking about him and was frustrated about it. To which he responded, “Why is that bad?” I then responded with even more dumb drunken nonsense. He never responded after that.

 

I didn’t hear from him for the entire next day and decided to reach out to him 2 days later apologizing for my drunk texts. He responded quickly and told me not to worry, and that he had a fun time with me and wanted to do it again. I texted him today wanting to set something else up, and I haven’t received a response. At this point, I can’t tell if I’m majorly overthinking things or if he just isn’t that interested. He did tell me during our date that he wasn’t big on texting, but when men want something, they go after it. And he isn’t even texting me back. I truly haven’t felt this strongly for anyone in quite a while, and I want to believe he reciprocates those feelings, but my intuition is telling me he might just want a hook up or is keeping me around as an option.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant :)

Edited by cwags
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He is recently single, so I would treat cautiously even if he were showing more interest. People fresh out of relationships are usually not the best candidates for serious dating.

 

What did you say when you texted him "dumb drunken nonsense"? I am wondering if there was something in there that put him off. However, given that he wanted you to come home with him, I would assume he's looking for a hook-up and casual fun rather than an actual romantic date anyway. It sounds like his roommate was blowing hot air up your backside to be a better wingman and increase the chances you'd hook up with his buddy, but it didn't work as you (wisely) decided not to go home with him. If you're not after casual fun, I don't think this is your guy.

 

You say you haven't felt this strongly about someone in a while, but girl, you barely know this guy. You've met him two times, which is nowhere near enough time to decide what sort of feelings you have for him. Keep both feet on the ground and don't set your expectations so high with someone who is a still a stranger to you.

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Thank you for this. I tend to romanticize and put people on a pedestal after just having met them. I need to be more in control of this.

 

The drunken nonsense wasn't terrible, just me telling him I naturally have my guard up around new people, but I thought he was a decent enough guy.

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His roommate was telling porky pies.

His roommate probably annoyed that his friend J is in the dumps over his ex gf and just wanted his friend J to snap out of it selfishly lol

 

J didn’t make a move possibly because he still misses his ex but when a girl moves in and kisses him , his hormones take over and he wants sex. Normal stuff.

 

He is not interested in dating you , he is more interested in distraction from his ex.

 

You don’t know him. Spent two drunken nights in his company and with others.

You don’t have strong feelings for him. Basically that’s impossible towards someone you don’t know.

 

Why does this bother you?

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. The drunken nonsense wasn't terrible, just me telling him I naturally have my guard up around new people, but I thought he was a decent enough guy.

 

Fair enough, but a bit much for a 2nd meet-up. It goes without saying that most people would have their guard up when they've only just met someone. No need to get into all of that at this point.

 

All you can do is see if he responds to your invitation to meet again. After that, I would let him initiate. That will tell you whether he's interested in developing this or is fine to just keep it very sporadic.

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My question to you would be: What are your intentions? What do you want?

 

He knows you are interested and reached out to him so back off and let him reply. Like you said if he is interested he will make contact for another date. It wasn't anything you did so don't worry about that. If a guy is into you he will ignore all kinds of things to see you again.

 

So if he contacts you about a proper date (dinner and conversation) then you know that at least he is interested but if he doesn't he was just looking for rebound sex to help him get over his ex. Since you made it clear you aren't that type of girl (good for you btw) and if that is all he wanted then he will disappear.

 

I think you handled this pretty well so don't beat yourself up over how it turns out.

 

His loss if he doesn't contact you...

 

Lost

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I think you need to figure out who you are and what kind of a guy you want.

 

For example, if you want a guy who will be hot and heavy and all over you from the get go, then don't be surprised that things turn quickly physical and sexual and that yes, his comments to you are going to be more about that and less about wanting to get to know you as a person. That might happen later, but don't lead with sex and then get offended when the guys go "yes sex". If you want a guy who will date you and connect with you as a person first, then behave accordingly and don't lead with sex and then be upset he follows. Have I said this enough? Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth. You sound very insecure to be honest and like you seek validation by a guy slobbering all over you but then you don't like the outcome much.

 

As for this guy in particular, there is a red flag the size of China slapping you in the face - he just got out of a 4 year relationship. Dude is in rebound mode. So if you are looking for a fling and a romp in the bed, go for it. If you are looking for a bf, lose his number and keep looking elsewhere. This guy is not bf material at this time. Never seek to be someone's rebound crutch when you are looking for more.

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Why are you chasing this guy? Damn.

 

I think that you have put yourself in sex buddy zone, due to what happened so quickly. The other major issue, he just got out of a long term relationship. He is not ready for anything serious.

 

In the future, don't chase people-all the texting-as it is a turnoff. Do not reach out to him again.

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Here's how I see it.

You barely knew him and gossiped about him to his roommates and showed him how insecure you were.

You've never really spent any time with him sober so neither of you know each other.

You gave the impression by your behavior that you get drunk with men you don't know (could be very very dangerous and shows a lack of self-care), that you're insecure and that you intiate kissing when you barely know someone because someone suggested it. Then you choose to send drunken texts. You choose to drink you choose the consequences.

Yes he also was drunk so you know about him/his values/his priorities when he's trying to get to know someone.

I don't think this is worth investing more time in. You should consider whether you have a drinking problem IMO.

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Thank you for this. I tend to romanticize and put people on a pedestal after just having met them. I need to be more in control of this.

 

The drunken nonsense wasn't terrible, just me telling him I naturally have my guard up around new people, but I thought he was a decent enough guy.

 

Yes, you need to stop reacting to the temptation to put people on a pedestal, for sure.

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Give it a few more days. Some people are slow-moving. You'll find out then whether you're on the same wavelength.

 

Here's another thought - if you've had relationships move fast, this is also good practice to slow down. Spend more time thinking about other things, focus on other areas. Give your mind a break from the dating scene and let things unfold as they should.

 

I also agree with MissCanuck on being cautious if he's newly out a relationship. People aren't thinking clearly most of the time and their heart is in different places at once. He may also still be communicating with his ex. You don't want to become embroiled in that type of dynamic. It's hurtful to you in the long run.

 

Be kind to yourself and take care of that heart of yours! It's fragile and I think you deserve more than what these drunken nights offer. You both sound like you had a good time. If he's very interested in you and there's more substance to it, I'm sure your paths will cross again. You don't need to push or wish so hard on it. Keep focusing on you and let the dating thing slow down for awhile if that's what you need.

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he had a fun time with me and wanted to do it again. I texted him today wanting to set something else up, and I haven’t received a response. You're the one who set the time and place for the first meeting. His saying he wanted to do it again takes no effort. Actions speak louder than words. This time around, you should have waited to see if he came through with what he said he wanted, instead of again being the one to set up the planning.

 

IMO, a person who wants to seriously date does so to get to know the real you. How are you getting to know each other when you're drunk, which is an alternate state of being whereas you're representing a severely altered version of yourself. And you need to start reading Dating 101 book, or Dating for Dummies, because meeting each other's friends is in neither of your best interests at this point. This sounds like high school stuff with the he said/she said nonsense. Another person should NEVER speak for another person, giving a version of things which might be inaccurate.

 

Do you and your friends ever have fun without getting drunk, or is this the only thing you do for a social life? Not that you can't meet someone decent at a bar, but you might expand where you meet men through Meetup.com groups, volunteer work, co-ed sports teams, lessons in dancing, cooking, painting. That is when there's a vaccine available and that sort of stuff is safe to do.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like he's just not that into you.

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He told you that he's not big on texting. Some people are not chained to their cell phones 24 / 7. Give him a chance to respond to you. Some people aren't into relentless back 'n forth texting at a moment's notice. Texting too much is annoying. Don't pursue him. If he continues to act as if he's disinterested in you, then he's obviously disinterested in you.

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