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Working Out with my Boyfriend - advice?


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I just want to address this comment as well because this is at least the second comment of this type. I am not "over the top". I only started working out and eating healthier like two years ago. Before that, I felt like crap about myself, I had no energy, I was physically weak, and too thin to the point where my family members and friends would be asking me if I was eating and/or telling me I looked unwell. I would not eat sometimes for a day because of stress and depression. When I started working out, it not only made me feel better, stronger, more energetic, healthier, etc., but it had a DRASTIC affect on my mood. It was something constructive that I could do that was healthy, and also something that I could do that gave me visible results. I could set goals, and achieve them with physical and mental results. It is an outlet for me to relieve stress. I enjoy it. I do prefer high intensity workouts, I am a small person so they come easy to me and I get bored easily. Those types of workouts keep me moving almost constantly, and I feel great when I am done. For the lack of time that I have in my life right now, they work perfectly for me. Just because you don't enjoy a certain type of lifestyle does not mean that someone who does is "overdoing it" or is "over the top" and that's not for you to judge. I wasn't asking about whether anyone thinks my workout preference or my lifestyle choices are the rights ones. I am simply asking for advice on how to let my boyfriend know that I may not want to do all the workouts he wants to do all the time without offending him since he seems predisposed to taking offense to it. I appreciate your concern, and maybe I don't do it JUST for physical health and fitness, but it counts as a mental escape and stress relieving activity for me as well, and I don't see a problem with that.

 

I work out every day. I've worked out regularly since 1982 -perhaps before you were born. I was basing my opinion on your comments about what you do and why. It seems to me to be for reasons other than health and fitness and since I battled what likely was an eating disorder many years ago where I also over-exercised I see from your comments and your rationale and justifications red flags that suggest to me you're getting over the top in these endeavors. I love exercising. I hate skipping a day -I skip one day a year for religious reasons and skip if I'm very sick /doctor's orders. I'm rarely sick and had to miss three days this summer post-surgery -I was miserable! I get it totally. I'm not commenting on loving to exercise and leading a healthy lifestyle. I'm commenting on your approach and your interactions with your boyfriend over it. I see red flags. We can agree to disagree.

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Why? You're not telling him his workout plan is ****. You've simply found something that you enjoy more. Would I personally greatly prefer my wife let me come up with a regimen for her rather than subscribing to BB? Honestly, probably. But if she's having a good time and getting / staying healthy with it, it's absolutely 0% my place to tell her what she should have to consult me.

 

I'm sorry, but him getting upset you didn't finish a portion that was larger than you ever asked for or you not following the weight lifting routine he wants you to isn't just a cutesy haha expression of love. He's decided your nutrition and exercise are his domain. It's not cool, and it's certainly not something you entertain. The extent to which he's being a full-on jerk about it boils down to whether he can respect your straight-forward wishes. It's not a good look either way, but some people occasionally need to be told in more uncertain terms than others do. "It's nothing against your workout plans. I simply feel more motivated to workout with this, so this is what I'm going to do." Some people will take an inch of wishy-washy and run with it a mile. Don't make it a negotiation.

 

And again, not saying that you are, but if he has fundamental differences with the plans you're following, it's best not to bounce the specific details off him lest you want to invite those differences being discussed.

 

I agree. These are the red flags I see in his attitude towards you -so if you choose to make it very clear that you are going to do your own thing/follow your own fitness journey -I get it! - but if you don't then I also see red flags if you choose to let him continue controlling you.

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Thank you! I do feel very happy and balanced in my life at this point. I definitely don't feel offended but I am trying to avoid making him feel offended. I think you're right that he's trying to show his love by teaching me all about weightlifting and what not. I know once I showed an interest in it, his heart flew haha. That is great advice to basically reverse back some of the joy he loses from us working out together in other ways! I will definitely think more about what else I can do to make him feel loved and needed.

 

That's part of being assertive - being clear about your needs and what you want to do in a tactful way. Remain firm when it comes to your plans for your own workout. I don't think it's appropriate for you to walk on eggshells. I'm mentioning this because I'm getting the sense that you're quite sensitive and considerate as a whole. I'd invite you to take a look at your language as you appear to be hesitant around him. Do you know why this is so? Is there any part of you that is intimidated or worried by his reactions? This may be interpreted as him being controlling - your language seems a tad fearful. I'd turn this around and suggest you become more assertive and confident in the relationship, regardless of what he says or does.

 

Reaffirming that love for each other comes with everything, good days and bad days, easy or tough times. I don't think you need to try so hard to think of other ways to make him feel loved or needed. Just acknowledge what he's trying to do and be firm that you are looking to go about your routine differently. If he loves you and truly cares for you he wouldn't put up such a stink for very long. It always takes two to tango.

 

Make plans afterwards to watch a movie together or have a dinner date later in the day. Introduce other activities to do together. There's a lot of focus on working out and what works or what doesn't work. Remain firm in what you need to do for yourself. I think that also goes without saying - you should have some idea, do some more research if you like, on work out routines and other things you do want to incorporate in. You'll automatically be spending more time thinking about your workout instead of worrying about what he's feeling too much. There's a little of push and pull with everything and I'm sure he'll figure it out and not interpret it as such a threat. Be careful bending over backwards too far making up for the insecurities of your partner. Hope things get a little easier! Keep us updated.

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Why? You're not telling him his workout plan is ****. You've simply found something that you enjoy more. Would I personally greatly prefer my wife let me come up with a regimen for her rather than subscribing to BB? Honestly, probably. But if she's having a good time and getting / staying healthy with it, it's absolutely 0% my place to tell her what she should have to consult me.

 

I'm sorry, but him getting upset you didn't finish a portion that was larger than you ever asked for or you not following the weight lifting routine he wants you to isn't just a cutesy haha expression of love. He's decided your nutrition and exercise are his domain. It's not cool, and it's certainly not something you entertain. The extent to which he's being a full-on jerk about it boils down to whether he can respect your straight-forward wishes. It's not a good look either way, but some people occasionally need to be told in more uncertain terms than others do. "It's nothing against your workout plans. I simply feel more motivated to workout with this, so this is what I'm going to do." Some people will take an inch of wishy-washy and run with it a mile. Don't make it a negotiation.

 

And again, not saying that you are, but if he has fundamental differences with the plans you're following, it's best not to bounce the specific details off him lest you want to invite those differences being discussed.

 

This! I hate when people tell me what to do or tell me what the right thing to do is. OP, just tell him point blank, he shouldn't get offended. I mean we are talking about training, Jesus, imagine if it was something serious.

 

Jman said everything I would say if I was not so lazy to write.

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