Moving to same city as ex. Should I let him know?

[blahsquared]

Hey there,

 

So I was with my ex for five years, on and off. We had an intense connection, I felt, but we were extremely mismatched -- and broke up for good when I decided to move across the country to pursue a new job. We kept in friendly contact for maybe four years after I moved. Just the occasional "Hi, how's life, how's your family" sort of email here and there. I got married to a guy who was way better for me and we had a kid together, and my ex got married to a woman who seems perfect for him. They ended up moving to a different city, too.

 

I'm legitimately happy for him. But after his marriage, he stopped responding to me entirely -- so I haven't reached out in like two years. It's not a big deal, really, though I do feel sort of sad about it, since he used to be a huge part of my life and all. I don't have any romantic feelings toward him anymore, though maybe I hold some spurned ex resentments, and kinda miss him sometimes as a person. That's it.

 

Anyway, my husband just got a job offer in the city where my ex lives. It's a great job and a lovely city -- we live in a sprawling metropolis right now, and this new city is much smaller and has a ton of nature, which is something that we want to expose our son to. Schools are better, the air is cleaner, etc. My husband and I have a decent social circle already in this smaller city. So, looks like we'll be moving to the city where my ex lives.

 

It's a medium-sized place, and I know we're in a pandemic -- but people do tend to run into each other. Especially because I have a TON of mutual friends with his wife, including one or two in the new city where they live. I also keep in very light social media contact with my ex's sister (or rather, she keeps in touch with ME), who I always got along with super well.

 

Anyway, should I give him a heads up that I'm moving to his city? As I said, he stopped responding to my emails a couple years ago and I've respected that. I'm leaning toward just moving and not letting him know, since he clearly wants no contact and could just find out via the grapevine.

 

Thoughts? Thanks!

[smackie9]

No....he is your ex, no longer involved, so there is no need to report to them what you are doing. If you run into each other, that's when you can tell them. I'm sure your husband wouldn't appreciate you reaching out to him anyways.

[Lambert]

No. When he stopped responding it was for a reason... It's inappropriate for married people to keep tabs on an old flame.

 

Mutual friends or not. You're not in high school. You are completely in control of avoiding them altogether, socially.

 

They may find out you moved but that's just gossip. You have nothing to do with each other anymore. Reaching out will make it look like you actually care. Which, frankly you should not.

 

If you run into them, a hello and keep walking. That is how I'd handle it

[Wiseman2]

Congrats, enjoy your new city..If he happens to hear through word of mouth and reaches out, fine.

 

Otherwise it's an unwelcome intrusion in his marriage and his new life. You need to respect his boundaries and his marriage.

 

Is there any reason you need to reestablish communication with him? Are you lonely or unhappily married and reflecting on nostalgia?

after his marriage, he stopped responding to me entirely

[boltnrun]

Why are you hoping to reconnect? And an honest answer, if not here at least to yourself.

 

Also, have you told your husband you're "sad" that you're no longer in contact with this ex and that you are considering trying to reconnect with him?

[LaHermes]

Short answer is "no". Makes no sense.

 

As for you WiseM. Very shrewd indeed.

You are in top form today. lol

[blahsquared]

Good questions. Yeah, my husband's totally aware -- I've been quite open about what things were like with my ex. I've actually told him about this specific scenario, and he's actually pretty curious to see what my ex is like, ha. I am friends with other exes of mine, and my husband's friends with some of HIS exes, and we aren't really intimidated by any of that. Heck, I'm on good terms with some of his exes, and vice versa. It's not a big deal. We both understand that we both had pasts, but that they pale in comparison to the connection we have with each other.

 

Honestly, maybe I have a weird complex about this particular ex because it was so serious -- and it's as though that part of my life has been swallowed up by a black hole. It was when I was in the flush of youth, I guess, and now I'm in my 30s with real responsibilities -- so I dunno, maybe reconnecting would make me feel young again? I've talked to a therapist about it and whatnot. It's not that I still love my ex -- I know I don't. I never loved him the way I love my husband, and I'm definitely not interested in rekindling anything. That feels dirty, and not in the good way.

 

But getting abruptly shut out after years of quasi-friendship made me sad, sort of brought up the old rejection feelings again, and moving to the same city makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I suppose that if we aren't on friendly terms than my competitive personality wants to "win the breakup," maybe. I can't pin it down. And I can't let this one go completely. Hence why I'm going on an online forum, I guess.

 

I'm lonely in the sense that I work from home, we're in the midst of a pandemic, I'm a new-ish mom, and have moved a ton for my husband's work so I haven't established deep friendships in the city I live in right now. So maybe I just live in the past a little more than I should.

[DancingFool]

Continue to respect that he is married and wants nothing more to do with an old flame.

 

He stopped responding to you - that's about as clear a message as anyone can send that they no longer want you in their life. There is literally no reason for you to tell him you are moving into the area. It would make you seem completely insane to continue to keep trying to reach out.

 

Even if you do run into him around town, big if, but if it happens, whether he even acknowledges you or passes you by like he doesn't know you is something you'll have to deal with as it happens and respond accordingly. Until then, you have nothing to think about when it comes to him. He has made his position and desires more than crystal clear. Respect that.

[Wiseman2]

Agree it has to do with nostalgia. Ask your therapist, however if he's cut off contact respect him and his wife and their marriage, privacy and boundaries.

 

Don't be a Fatal Attraction case who gets obsessed and can't let go or respect boundaries of married people.

It was when I was in the flush of youth, I guess, and now I'm in my 30s with real responsibilities -- so I dunno, maybe reconnecting would make me feel young again? I've talked to a therapist about it and whatnot.

[Rose Mosse]

Leave him alone. You sound very bored with your own life. Take care of your family and your marriage.

[blahsquared]

Geez, that's harsh. My life's awesome, actually. An excellent lesson in not soliciting help here.

[LaHermes]

OP.

 

This what you asked

 

"Thoughts? Thanks!"

 

Not "help"...

 

Keep life as simple as possible and do not make contact with this man.

 

Perhaps leave the past where it belongs: in the past.

 

"So maybe I just live in the past a little more than I should."

 

And I bet you do know that one upmanship is a daft kind of game.

[boltnrun]

Reaching out to an ex when you're "lonely" is such a bad idea.

 

You have your husband and your child. I envy you. I have been completely alone during the entire pandemic. Just me and my cat.

 

And please don't put this ex in the position of having to send you a strongly worded message to never contact him again. If you feel "sad" now, imagine how you'd feel if that happened.

[blahsquared]

And please don't put this ex in the position of having to send you a strongly worded message to never contact him again. If you feel "sad" now, imagine how you'd feel if that happened.

 

A solid point. That would suck more. Thanks, forum folk. I'll leave him alone. As I have been.

[Cherylyn]

No, don't contact him. He has his new life now with his marriage. Lean towards your initial instincts and don't let him know since he stopped responding to your emails for a reason. He wishes to be left alone and not be bothered by you anymore. He's remaining respectful to his wife and very loyal to her with his actions of severing ties with you. Respect his wishes.

 

Since you run in the same circles with him and share mutual friends as well as still in contact with his sister through social media, remain well mannered, respectful, distant and discreet. Should you bump into each other at local stores in your small city, remain brief, polite and know your place. Neither of you owe each other anything. Show respect and live your own life. Keep the peace. Those are my thoughts and what I would do if I were you.

[blahsquared]

Oh, one more thing just to share that this wasn't some pathetic one-sided effort of mine, before, to keep in touch. He used to reach out to ME when they were dating, even asked me for recipes that I used to make that he could cook for HER, and I was happy to share. We ran in the same circles. He asked me for advice about dating her. Like, we were on good terms. Then radio silence post-marriage. Which is fine, but that's what what was jarring.

 

But yeah, message received, really.

[Wiseman2]

It's always sad to lose friends. In this case there is a lot of nostalgia. If and when you move and if you run into them take it from there.

Like, we were on good terms. Then radio silence post-marriage. Which is fine, but that's what what was jarring.

[smackie9]

I get it, it drums up some sentimental feelings BUT not everyone wants to keep their past. Your ex wanted no more contact, and that's pretty clear, so out of respect for his wishes, leave him be.

[DancingFool]

Oh, one more thing just to share that this wasn't some pathetic one-sided effort of mine, before, to keep in touch. He used to reach out to ME when they were dating, even asked me for recipes that I used to make that he could cook for HER, and I was happy to share. We ran in the same circles. He asked me for advice about dating her. Like, we were on good terms. Then radio silence post-marriage. Which is fine, but that's what what was jarring.

 

But yeah, message received, really.

 

Yes of course you weren't some crazy person just chasing him. I think what we are trying to tell you is don't reach out because you might end up coming across like that in the future if you do try to get in touch. So don't do that to yourself.

 

Overall, with the added info, I'd maybe rethink how much of a friend he really was to you. It sounds a bit like he was happy to use you while he was wooing and chasing his now wife, but the moment he didn't need your help, advice, and support anymore, he discarded you without a word. Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me or the sort of personality to seek out. Food for thought.

 

In your shoes, even if I did run into him and he offered to meet for coffee or lunch to catch up, I'd decline because well.... ex's make poor friends no matter how you slice it and he's proven that to you already.

[MissCanuck]

There's no reason to get in touch with him, no.

 

Everyone has a past, yes. However, you can assume that when he stopped responding, he decided to put his past behind him. I don't think it will do any good to try to open that door again.

 

EDIT: Is this the same ex you wrote about here? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539975

[melancholy123]

I really dont understand why anyone would want to keep in contact for an ex if there are no kids involved. An ex is an ex for whatever reason. As someone said, this is not high school! Do NOT reach out to him. Some day you may see him, or maybe not. If you do, smile and wave and keep moving or else ignore him totally.

[blahsquared]

It’s the same ex, yes. Anything I’ve posted on this site, ever, has referred to him — despite having a rather colorful and lush dating history. I’ve never felt the need to post about my husband, who I do love very much. Something about this guy clearly messed with my head; I’d do well to reread everything I posted here over the years.

 

I genuinely thought alerting him of my move would be a courtesy; now I realize it’s just deeply inappropriate. I appreciate you all for pointing that out.

[Cherylyn]

Oh, one more thing just to share that this wasn't some pathetic one-sided effort of mine, before, to keep in touch. He used to reach out to ME when they were dating, even asked me for recipes that I used to make that he could cook for HER, and I was happy to share. We ran in the same circles. He asked me for advice about dating her. Like, we were on good terms. Then radio silence post-marriage. Which is fine, but that's what what was jarring.

 

But yeah, message received, really.

 

I'm sure you've gotten his message by now. His radio silence says it all. He has since moved on. He's telling you by his non-actions (non-replies to you) that it's time to for both of you to go your separate ways.

[waffle]

I'd reach out. You're over him, I assume he's over you. The only way I wouldn't is if feelings might still be involved (do you think they might still be present on his end? That might explain the silence after he got married). It's up to him if he wants to respond of course.

 

Maybe simplistic but if I want to do something I do it. If I don't, then I don't.

 

(of course, I'm single too. If I was still married maybe I'd feel differently??)

[Lambert]

It’s the same ex, yes. Anything I’ve posted on this site, ever, has referred to him — despite having a rather colorful and lush dating history. I’ve never felt the need to post about my husband, who I do love very much. Something about this guy clearly messed with my head; I’d do well to reread everything I posted here over the years.

 

I genuinely thought alerting him of my move would be a courtesy; now I realize it’s just deeply inappropriate. I appreciate you all for pointing that out.

 

Honestly I would not go back and read up on your previous posts about this guy.

 

He didn't mess with your head. you're just bored and moving to the same town, made you think of him, reminding you, that he was the one that stopped chatting first. All ego driven... Focus on the present.