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Thinking of breaking up, but not 100% sure


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Hi, thanks for looking. The last week or so I've been contemplating whether I need to break up with my gf. Maybe you can shed some wisdom on me.

 

I've been seeing this woman for about 4 months now. I'll call her Jane for the sake of the story here. Jane and I share some of the same friends and our friends suggested we try to meet and see if we would be a good couple. So I was intrigued and met up with her and after courting her for 2-3 weeks we shared our first kiss. Now I wasn't incredibly attracted to her physically but I figured thats not everything so I gave it a shot regardless. It felt pretty awesome so share that experience with someone again, as I'd been in monk mode for 2 years after an abusive relationship with a woman who suffered from bpd. Turns out Jane was also 2 years away from a past toxic relationship. We had that in common amongst a few other things. We are the same age (40), we both work in hospice (her full time and me part time as a therapeutic musician). We are pretty compatible in bed, could be better but its still a better match in that regard than some others in the past.

She is very nice, very caring and treats me really well, almost too well kinda like a mother would. This is awesome but also makes me wonder if part of her motivation is to keep me satisfied for fear of me leaving. Because I know she suffers clinically from major depression and is on a few meds for it. I knew this going in and have been wary of it the whole time. I figured that its gotta be worth a shot at least for a bit, because you never know right? And its been almost just that. There hasn't been any voice raising, no arguments, fighting, bickering, major disagreements, its been perfectly chill in that regard.

Jane has her own house and I live 30 minutes away and work from home as a glass artist. I visit Jane about once or twice a week, staying the night half the time. We take turns cooking each other dinner and go out to eat a lot too.

 

Sounds pretty good right? I'll start now with the downsides and potential problems I see.....

 

1. We have very different kinds of lifestyles. Jane is very grandma-ish. In her style and home decor, almost how I would imagine a 60 year old woman's house in the 1920's. It is not attractive or intriguing to me. I am pretty much a hippy. I listen to grateful dead and make heady glass pipes for a living and have for over 10 years. When I look at her place I just see all these remnants of super old things her grandmother left her, artifacts of craft projects she made in middle/high school, and b/w pictures of some of the hospice patients she served. There isn't much evidence that I can tell that she went through a personal breakthrough spiritually. I get the feeling that part of why she displays all this old stuff is to avoid a sense of feeling guilty for putting it away.

Everything in her house is reminiscent of the past, nothing seems to embrace the present other than plants (she loves plants) and nothing seems to point ones mind toward the future. Its like she's holding onto the past and hasn't really re-invented herself much throughout her life. Not that this is bad news for everyone but it doesn't seem normal to me and its definitely not the kind of path I've been on. It seems like she doesn't really have her own individual sense of style or whatever you call it. I hate to flat out say it but she is very boring in this way. I joked once about coming over with some prayer flags and psychedelic artwork to replace some of the things on her walls and she wasn't having it lol. Thats OK but it just kinda goes to show me that this is not a flexible kinda thing for us. I can't picture us living together in the same house and being able to agree on how to set things up.

 

2. She's never had kids and neither have I, but she doesn't ever want any, and is too worried to anyways because she thinks her eggs aren't any good anymore. I would like to at the least, have the option be open for the future, and lets face it, there isn't much of a 10 year plan for that with a 40 year old woman. I've realized before that if I want that option in a partner I need to find someone who is around 30 years old or younger to have the best chance of planning that out.

 

3. Every once in a while I like to do psychedelics, it has always been an important influence on my life and has helped me develop in very positive ways. Its important for me to be able to share this wonderful experience with the person I'm in love with. Unfortunately Jane suffers from clinically diagnosed major depression and has been on serious meds for it for about 25 years. Many studies done in the last 10 years prove that mild doses of psychedelics can be very helpful for this and sometimes can eliminate the need for serious meds. I've shown the data to Jane, but she is too afraid to try it (can't blame her, its definitely not for everyone), and too afraid to go off her meds for the time it would take to detox her body enough to safely ingest psychedelics. Also, there is a higher risk for her than for a normal person for harmful mental side affects because she already is suffering from a mental illness. Its just not a good situation. I did the research on how she could go about detoxing properly from the meds she's on but I discovered that the mixture she's taking right now has very very serious health consequences if not tapered off correctly. I discovered through my research that the mixture she's on now only has a 15% more chance of actually working than it does of giving you drug induced Parkinson's. Its just altogether a bad situation. It made me realize that she's suffering so badly she's willing to take these risks with these drugs. I honestly worry that being with her long term will have an effect on my baseline level of happiness, which is generally happy and optimistic. Her baseline level is mildly sad, as she described to me recently.

 

4. One of the more important things I'd like to mention here is that I'm not feeling an incredible level of physical attraction towards her. She's not ugly, but there is no magical sparkle in her eyes. Maybe its the baseline sadness she's always feeling, idk. But I notice that theres an absence of a sense of wonder, excitement, magic, etc. when I look into her eyes. With everything else thats so chill and good about this relationship, and with the downsides I mentioned above, this one really kills it for me. I'd be willing to stick with it for sure if I felt the magic I know is available with a partner in this life. But I just don't really feel it happening. Once it was there, the day before we first kissed. I felt very excited that I realized she really liked me. I felt like a teenager. But after that it just got real dull real fast.

 

So part of me thinks I need to get out of the relationship before I waste mine and her time. I'm afraid if it inevitably ends later on after a year or so she will feel that I took her for granted. She told me that being heartbroken is one of the triggers for her depression so I definitely want to avoid that as much as possible.

 

Another part of me wonders if I'm just an idiot and can't recognize a good thing when it falls into my lap. ugh. I am a bit torn. I feel like I can discover someone who fills me with excitement and magical feelings at least for a honeymoon phase! haha. But part of me feels like maybe Jane and I are just good compassionate friends who happen to share intimacy.

 

Someone help me see this from an outsiders viewpoint!

 

Thanks for your time.

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You two are from different worlds and lifestyles and based on what you have said, this is a deal breaker. The thing about coming together with someone, is accepting them as the person they are, and it is fairly clear that you do not accept her as she is.

 

From your point 1 alone, you don't like how she lives and have tried to change that. You have deep impressions as to why she lives like that, and have suggested changes to try to make her a little more like you.

Then, in point 3, you pretty much state: I take drugs sometimes, and I want her to as well because I think she would be better from them. So, to be with you she has to start taking drugs sometimes? And, why are you trying to fix her? Not a good start to a relationship.

 

Point 2 is the major difference I see. She doesn't want children for whatever reason, but you might want to in the future. You can't force someone to change their mind on this, so as you say, perhaps start looking for someone yougner who may be able to fulfill this requirement.

 

And Point 4 is important from both sides, although in this day in age, many people are too picky on the level of attraction required and it is leading to a lot of people living their best Monk lives.

 

My suggestion, follow your instincts and let her go. You are looking for a female version of you but have found a chalk to your cheese.

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4 mos is a good time to cut your losses. It's enough time to realize how incompatible you are and short enough to just end it without too much involvement

 

Next time date someone who shares your lifestyle and who you're attracted to. Don't lead anyone on .

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For what it is worth, I think ending it is the right thing. You are not happy in this and it's best to acknowledge it for what it is. Otherwise you'll just find yourself going along with something and someone who is not right for you. A much more difficult situation in the long run.

 

 

I would not get in the weeds with detailed reasons.all that does is cause her to either argue the points or ask for a chance to change. Besides, just because someone is not your cup of tea, it's not up to you to judge. But it is up to you to decide for yourself who you commit to.

 

 

Rather focus on your feelings. Of course you feel affection for her and enjoy the time spent, but it's not enough for you to continue. If she searches her own feelings honestly it is probably not enough for her either.

 

Don't offer to be froends. Instead say you hope in time you'll both feel comfortable enough to be with your mutual friends. Wish her well... Be respectful and honest.she deserves that.

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I agree with the others that it is best to end this.

 

You are not compatible on many levels and have totally different outlooks and life goals. It sounds like you would be better off with someone much more similar to you, as you can see your attempts to introduce various elements of your lifestyle have not been warmly welcomed. And fair enough; you have a different approach to many things, which is not necessarily the best for her either. Yours or hers isn't better than the other, they simply don't mesh well together.

 

I don't think it's necessary to go too far into detail with your reasons for breaking up, either. Tell her you respect her but can see incompatibilities that make it unwise to continue dating.

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Thanks for your insight.

 

Perhaps what it comes down to basically is theres plenty of people out there that have lived lives more like my own, and maybe I'd be better suited with someone like that for a long term thing.

 

^Pretty much this. When it comes to long term relationships, you do need a partner who is more similar than different from you, especially when it comes to lifestyle. You don't need a mirror image and you don't need to see eye to eye on everything (it would be boring), but majority of fundamental things like values, lifestyle, life goals should be well aligned. This lady is pretty much your opposite in those important aspects, so it's a no go and no need to waste anymore time.

 

It seems that the only positive quality she brings to the table for you is that she is nice and you don't fight. Good things, but also not hard to find those things in pretty much most people out there in any walk of life. Kind and lively aren't mutually exclusive qualities in a person so look for that combination.

 

As for ending things, please don't break up with a litany of her flaws or your differences. Be kind yourself and just tell her the simple truth - you aren't feeling the connection. Don't offer to be friends or whatever, because the kindest thing you can do is be firm that your decision is final and non negotiable. This will let her move on faster.

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For what it’s worth, I definitely also think you should break up. You sound like a lot more fun than she is, ha. I say just let her down gently — you can talk about how the feelings aren’t there and general lifestyle incompatibility. But the kid thing is a huge dealbreaker, and a pretty reasonable one for any ending relationship. So that can be a point of focus. Good luck out there!

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Thinking of breaking up, but not 100% sure

- Seeing this said enough... Obviously you are in Doubt. Why even consider continuing if you are feeling this?

 

You have been involved 4 months.. Yes, is usually within the 6 mos time, that we can tell if there is something there.. or not.

And so often things come to and end.

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Thinking of breaking up, but not 100% sure

- Seeing this said enough... Obviously you are in Doubt. Why even consider continuing if you are feeling this?

 

You have been involved 4 months.. Yes, is usually within the 6 mos time, that we can tell if there is something there.. or not.

And so often things come to and end.

 

I know right?! Thats what I'm thinking too but its hard to figure out, I really don't have a ton of experience with relationships and I have a natural tendency to procrastinate on heavy decisions. I want to make sure I am making a wise decision and not just being too picky. The difficulty comes in where I realize she treats me better than most of the other women I have dated in the past. Part of me feels like I've landed a keeper for the good reasons, I want that quality in someone that I'm crazier about though. Another part of me thinks I might be settling for less than I've hoped for out of a scarcity mindset.

 

Maybe I'm getting better though. Maybe I'm closer to finding the one that I'm looking for than I've ever been before. I've got to just keep putting it out there from my soul what I want in a partner and stay connected to that. One of the important lessons I returned from a past dmt trip with was that if I just trust my instinct on what is right, that I find the decision is easy and obvious, and that the only thing making it hard is the hesitancy to make that decision, created from the second guessing of the initial instinct.

If I had listened closer on this I would probably have left the relationship after the first month.

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If you need hallucinogenic drug trips to decide if you want to date someone perhaps it's time to admit you're not compatible.

 

Don't just coast along stringing people along because it's the easy (lazy) way out. Take responsibility for your actions.

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If you need hallucinogenic drug trips to decide if you want to date someone perhaps it's time to admit you're not compatible.

 

Haha well that happened years ago but its still applicable. Whats been most helpful though is being able to talk about it with all of you and see the feedback. Since Jane and I share the same friends I'm not about to go unloading all this on someone who may end up talking to her the next day.

You all have helped me think more clearly about the issue and I'm grateful for that.

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I know right?! Thats what I'm thinking too but its hard to figure out, I really don't have a ton of experience with relationships and I have a natural tendency to procrastinate on heavy decisions. I want to make sure I am making a wise decision and not just being too picky. The difficulty comes in where I realize she treats me better than most of the other women I have dated in the past. Part of me feels like I've landed a keeper for the good reasons, I want that quality in someone that I'm crazier about though. Another part of me thinks I might be settling for less than I've hoped for out of a scarcity mindset.

 

Maybe I'm getting better though. Maybe I'm closer to finding the one that I'm looking for than I've ever been before. I've got to just keep putting it out there from my soul what I want in a partner and stay connected to that. One of the important lessons I returned from a past dmt trip with was that if I just trust my instinct on what is right, that I find the decision is easy and obvious, and that the only thing making it hard is the hesitancy to make that decision, created from the second guessing of the initial instinct.

If I had listened closer on this I would probably have left the relationship after the first month.[/QUOTE],

 

I whole heartedly agree and believe the way to happiness to follow one's own instincts. We all know what is right for us. Unfortunately, we live our whole lives being influenced with info that causes us to not trust ourselves.

 

It takes a lot of self work. Some techniques do involve hallucinations through drugs. However, for those clutching their pearls, it's not the only way. It's about listening to yourself and acting on those thoughts, over and over until it's automatic.

 

As you move closer to your true self and reject what doesn't align, the more you find things align.

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I know right?! Thats what I'm thinking too but its hard to figure out, I really don't have a ton of experience with relationships and I have a natural tendency to procrastinate on heavy decisions. I want to make sure I am making a wise decision and not just being too picky. The difficulty comes in where I realize she treats me better than most of the other women I have dated in the past. Part of me feels like I've landed a keeper for the good reasons, I want that quality in someone that I'm crazier about though. Another part of me thinks I might be settling for less than I've hoped for out of a scarcity mindset.

 

Maybe I'm getting better though. Maybe I'm closer to finding the one that I'm looking for than I've ever been before. I've got to just keep putting it out there from my soul what I want in a partner and stay connected to that. One of the important lessons I returned from a past dmt trip with was that if I just trust my instinct on what is right, that I find the decision is easy and obvious, and that the only thing making it hard is the hesitancy to make that decision, created from the second guessing of the initial instinct.

If I had listened closer on this I would probably have left the relationship after the first month.

 

In the future I'd determine right away the person's stance on drug use since that is so important to you. I can relate -it was a dealbreaker for me if a person used illegal drugs or had an alcohol problem or smoked so I'd figure that out asap and move on as needed.

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She sounds like a pretty cool person.....for somebody else. OK so you are looking for what to tell her. I think you should say during these isolating times we all are looking for some comfort/companionship, and that is what you found with her...loving, caring. It's that your lifestyles are so different and not being compatible, You feel this isn't going to work for the long haul. There are too many things missing, and you don't expect her to change, that isn't right. You both would be better off with whom you were meant to be rather than selfishly stay out of loneliness.

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In the future I'd determine right away the person's stance on drug use since that is so important to you. I can relate -it was a dealbreaker for me if a person used illegal drugs or had an alcohol problem or smoked so I'd figure that out asap and move on as needed.

 

Absolutely. I don't drink or smoke and neither does she so that was a unique plus I was totally down with. She smokes weed which I'm perfectly ok with even though I don't more than a few times a year these days. I found out early on that she wasnt into the idea of exploring lsd with me and I was cool with that because after all, its not for everyone and she's fine with me doing it once in a while. To be honest though I don't feel comfortable doing it around her because I know she can't really relate. It would be selfish of me to do so.

I know it must sound like I'm doing lsd all the time but really its like once or twice a year, still though this means I won't really be able to share that experience with her. She'll be excluded from that very meaningful event that will be between me and a few friends that mean alot to me. Eventually I figure this will cause more problems for us in the future.

What I've realized is that my perspective on things in life is just different than hers. Its caused IMO by a combination of my personality and experience with heavy doses of psychedelics over the last 20 years, and her personality, issues with depression, and lack of experience with psychedelics. I don't think she'll ever really understanding those experiences I've had that have been so influential on how I see life. I'm sure theres plenty of women out there that I'd hit it off with who will also have that kind of personal experience in their back pocket, allowing us to bond more intimately.

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This is all probably worth noting but you know... if someone doesn't turn you on or is grandma-ish that is reason enough. You don't need to start making lists about what you don't like about a person if they just don't do it for you.

 

When you break up with her, don't mention these details or make sure you learn to filter. She deserves to be free (as do you) but not destroyed or broken.

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