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Hi all. I haven't posted in a long time, but I often thought about updating my status after my original thread. I cannot post URLs, but it's the only other thread I have started if you are curious.

 

Short version: an old love of mine, Jane, came back into my life at a point where I was happy with who I was. While some things about the renewed relationship were good, I was still resenting her internally for how we split up the first time. I felt very emotional during this time together and I could not make a final decision about our future together. I did not feel fulfilled with her, and I was trying to figure out why.

 

Fast forward to today...

 

As you may have imagined, I chose to stick with Jane to see if she could really be the love of my life. She was incredibly invested in this new relationship we had, she would have loved to live together or even marry in the future. I have no doubts she had been faithful throughout our time together, and she never hid how proud of me she was for my life accomplishments, even when she disagreed with my goals.

 

We have been together for about a year now.

 

However, something kept feeling off. I could not reciprocate her feelings. During our second relationship up until now, I could never tell her I loved her, because I didn't feel like I truly did. I obviously liked her, but there was a sort of gap between our feelings for each other. For example she would get sad and gloomy if we couldn't meet one week, while I would just shrug and plan for the next one with no particular feelings.

The relationship itself was pretty good, few arguments, lots of things done together, serious communication etc. But I just didn't feel it as strongly as she did. Maybe I can only love the same person once. Maybe I still had some old resentment (unlikely at this point). She noticed my relative coldness, but when she confronted me, I could only reply that nothing was wrong. And I meant it, I didn't feel like anything was seriously wrong, I just wasn't fully there.

 

 

Fast forward to these last few months. I have a degree in a very specific field, and in my country it's close to impossible to find a related job. After the covid outbreak I had two choices: embrace my adventurous nature and go find a relevant job abroad, or stay where I am for Jane's sake and settle for less. Settling for less was quickly out of the question as it would have set me up for a life of unnecessary frustration while I could have found my dream job elsewhere. Jane, of course, did not approve, as she didn't have the means to move just yet.

 

Then it happened. I got selected exactly for my dream job in a country that I would love to live in. Jane argued fiercely against this, at first she said we were done if I even considered going, then we discussed the situation. She said I could go, but after my period there, I had to come back home for her.

 

At first I agreed. Then I thought about it long and hard. What was in it for me? I have no future here right now, what would change after a (relatively short) period of time abroad? Would I have to sacrifice my career for the sake of a girl that I am not entirely sure about?

 

So we talked a bit more. She said she was even willing to come to me in that far away country if it meant being with me. That's how much she loved me: she would change her whole life plans to come to me. I had doubts about her waiting the time span and then moving there, since she had already stated she hated that country, and since she is a emotional person and even the short covid quarantine almost broke her with distance. But it's the thought that matters, and I deeply appreciated her willingness to give it all up for me.

 

There was only one problem, and my gut aches writing this. I wouldn't do the same for her. If I left for good, it would be for a fresh start, with no unfinished business elsewhere, and afterwards I would have still wanted to live my own life on my own terms.

This showed me without a shade of doubt that we were not on the same page. We never were, we never will be. That old love died with our first relationship.

 

I broke up with her two days ago. I feel numb, void of emotions. The only things I feel strongly are the impending fear that I will miss her to the point of hurting, and the excitement for my future life abroad, the fresh start I have been waiting for during the best years of my existence.

 

I apologise for the long post. Since I was offered extremely wise advice the last time I posted here, I would like to ask you guys, what do you think of this situation? Was my choice justified? I still don't have an emotional balance, sometimes I feel sure about my choice, other times I feel anxious about the future.

 

Thank you.

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Sorry to hear that. On/off relationships are fraught with these types of problems. The original problems are rarely dealt with or resolved then add to that the time apart and all that took place then

 

Most people get back together out of nostalgia and longing. Only to crash-land right back into the same old unresolved issues.

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It's a good thing you finally broke up with her. I hope you had the humanity to tell her the truth: that you don't love her in a way that is sufficient to sustain a relationship. That even if you were staying in the same contry, you don't see a future with her... She deserves to know the truth so she doesn't keep questioning herself about what went wrong or hope that one day, you will come back to her.

Reading your post, it felt that you strung her along for quite some time. When she would ask you what is wrong, instead of saying "nothing" , you could have just told her the truth: that you just don't feel as crazy about her and you have doubts about the relation...

 

Anyway. Now, what is done is done. You are scared and it is normal. Her inconditionnal love gave you a sense of security and now you have to do without. It's gonna be hard at first but it will be better everyday. Going to a new contry and work in your dream job is a great adventure. Take advantage of this time to learn to be happy while single.

Don't use people as human crutch.

 

Head to your futur.

I wish you the best!

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As I read your post, I couldn't help but think how selfish it was to string her along. She was pouring everything into you and you were just coasting and enjoying the love.

 

It's for the best that you ended it. She deserves to find better and she will. You will go abroad and start your new life. I doubt you'll look back at leaving her as a mistake. The excitement of the move will keep you occupied.

 

Next time you find yourself in a situation like this, man up and let the girl go.

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You did the right thing just way late is all.

 

What you did was release her from a relationship with a selfish guy that used her for companionship.

 

Go to your dream job and while there try and learn and grow as a person.

 

Would you want someone to treat you the way you treated her?

 

Lost

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Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate being told I was selfish, because in retrospect, I was indeed, and it is good to hear it, so that I can improve myself going forward.

 

I agree with the majority of you, I should have ended it as soon as I saw a gap between us, and a big difference in life goals too. I do not regret these months together, but they probably only served to make it harder later on.

 

I didn't tell her outright that I would have left her anyway, because it's not true. If I stayed here I am 100% sure I would have kept on trying to make it work (fruitlessly). She knows, however, that I will favor my career over a relationship from now on, and that she's not at fault for anything, since she always stood by me.

 

I will say, however, that I have been thinking long and hard about this decision. In a sense, I was a victim of myself because of my emotions; I would be eager to meet her one day, ready to break up the other, even wondering how it would have been if I had never replied to her. I did not want to make a mistake by leaving, but sometimes it felt like the mistake was staying.

 

I have never felt so confused in my life, and for that, I am ashamed. This is not an excuse to justify my actions, however: my emotions are still part of me and I am the only one to blame for the situation.

 

 

Would you want someone to treat you the way you treated her?

 

This is a hard question. If I wanted a family with a person, then no, I wouldn't stay with someone that did not want one. But I never treated her badly, I was very supportive all throughout, I made her suprises, listened to her, tried to work things out when needed.

I would say I was a decent boyfriend day by day, just not invested enough to move to the next step.

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As I read your post, I couldn't help but think how selfish it was to string her along. She was pouring everything into you and you were just coasting and enjoying the love.

 

It's for the best that you ended it. She deserves to find better and she will. You will go abroad and start your new life. I doubt you'll look back at leaving her as a mistake. The excitement of the move will keep you occupied.

 

Next time you find yourself in a situation like this, man up and let the girl go.

 

I did find myself in a similar situation in the past, and I was quick to react and move on. I could never do that to Jane, I had always something blocking me from taking the final decision. I will never start another relationship if I am not sure about it all.

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I have a different perspective. I think you obsess about your feelings a bit too much. This is not meant to insult or hurt you - just an outsider's view so take things with a pinch of salt. When we find someone we enjoy our company with, the eventual outcome is to make a decision on whether we want to commit (or work) on that relationship. Moods come and go, emotions are fleeting. It's good to check in every now and again but basing decisions solely on emotions doesn't make sense to me. They serve as a guide. When you make that decision, it's a conscious and rational decision and the rationale is important.

 

I'm not agreeing with you about the way you evaluated whether she was the right person for you. So what if you wouldn't have done the same for her, moving to another country? Of course you wouldn't - it's because your degree is in something specific and if your work takes priority over any relationship, it's unlikely you would move for any woman so what kind of woman are you looking for?

 

It sounds a bit like your ideals or goals of what type of woman you'd be with is determined by how flighty and irresponsible you would be in terms of your career choices. This means that you are pitting your personal life and romance against your professional life in this whirlwind tug-o-war in your mind. I think this is futile.

 

Commit to your work and your career. The right woman will come along. I only caution you not to hold the same standards because both of you will be different to each other. It won't be a Disney script, relationships in real life rarely are. Take a time out to figure out your work commitments and where you want to go career-wise.

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I have a different perspective. I think you obsess about your feelings a bit too much. This is not meant to insult or hurt you - just an outsider's view so take things with a pinch of salt. When we find someone we enjoy our company with, the eventual outcome is to make a decision on whether we want to commit (or work) on that relationship. Moods come and go, emotions are fleeting. It's good to check in every now and again but basing decisions solely on emotions doesn't make sense to me. They serve as a guide. When you make that decision, it's a conscious and rational decision and the rationale is important.

 

I'm not agreeing with you about the way you evaluated whether she was the right person for you. So what if you wouldn't have done the same for her, moving to another country? Of course you wouldn't - it's because your degree is in something specific and if your work takes priority over any relationship, it's unlikely you would move for any woman so what kind of woman are you looking for?

 

It sounds a bit like your ideals or goals of what type of woman you'd be with is determined by how flighty and irresponsible you would be in terms of your career choices. This means that you are pitting your personal life and romance against your professional life in this whirlwind tug-o-war in your mind. I think this is futile.

 

Commit to your work and your career. The right woman will come along. I only caution you not to hold the same standards because both of you will be different to each other. It won't be a Disney script, relationships in real life rarely are. Take a time out to figure out your work commitments and where you want to go career-wise.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I will specify that I am extremely adamant about this occasion abroad, because I have been preparing for it for the last six years.

In the meantime, I am also very frustrated where I live. I have no relevant job and I am anxious to start my career. You could say I am tunnel-visioning my future career, and the problem is, I want to devote myself to it fully at least for now, and I cannot have another person with me if that is to be.

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Wonderful. Stay with your work and career then and gain momentum and confidence that way. It doesn't mean you need to shy away from relationships.

 

You'll start working and mingling and getting to know more peers in your industry and things will fall into place. Enjoy. Seeing as you may have to be more careful about your work or follow where the opportunities are, your partner may have to be more flexible than you. That's ok too.

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This is hard for me to respond to , because by all accounts , I am “Jane”. Or was Jane . My ex felt the same for me as you did for her . He wasn’t all in. The difference I have (maybe) is that I was with an extreme gaslighting manipulator. When I would say to my ex “I just don’t feel you love me or are in love with me” he would reply with “THATS not true!” Or “you’re wrong” or “you’re way off base”. So, because he was telling me I was wrong , I waited and believed him. However , his actions did not prove what he was saying. His actions or lack there of , only proved I was right . That he couldn’t truly love me, or he would have been making strides and giving more to me and our relationship. He didn’t. He strung me along for a long long time , to the point where I was then stuck and depressed. The man who once perused me and chased me and showed me attention was now avoiding me and not interested. It broke my heart. My heart is still broken. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to recover from. You did the right thing in releasing her of a fallacy. But you should have done it much sooner. Like my ex should have done with me . Nothing is worse than wasting a persons time , emotions , energy and love. She loved you and you knew you didn’t love her. I felt the same with my ex and then felt horribly used. For sex , for his ego , to fill his loneliness . To be a warm body until a woman who he does love came along . No one deserves to be treated like an option. Especially a good woman who truly puts her best out there.

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This is hard for me to respond to , because by all accounts , I am “Jane”. Or was Jane . My ex felt the same for me as you did for her . He wasn’t all in. The difference I have (maybe) is that I was with an extreme gaslighting manipulator. When I would say to my ex “I just don’t feel you love me or are in love with me” he would reply with “THATS not true!” Or “you’re wrong” or “you’re way off base”. So, because he was telling me I was wrong , I waited and believed him. However , his actions did not prove what he was saying. His actions or lack there of , only proved I was right . That he couldn’t truly love me, or he would have been making strides and giving more to me and our relationship. He didn’t. He strung me along for a long long time , to the point where I was then stuck and depressed. The man who once perused me and chased me and showed me attention was now avoiding me and not interested. It broke my heart. My heart is still broken. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to recover from. You did the right thing in releasing her of a fallacy. But you should have done it much sooner. Like my ex should have done with me . Nothing is worse than wasting a persons time , emotions , energy and love. She loved you and you knew you didn’t love her. I felt the same with my ex and then felt horribly used. For sex , for his ego , to fill his loneliness . To be a warm body until a woman who he does love came along . No one deserves to be treated like an option. Especially a good woman who truly puts her best out there.

 

I am very sorry to hear this. I hope you are feeling okay now.

I have checked out your other comment and I was extremely surprised to see that our stories are very similar, only switched around, save for some minor details. I'm here if you want to talk or exchange stories, since I believe we share a common experience but from different viewpoints.

 

To reply to your post: your ex sounds a bit manipulating, since his words didn't line up to his actions, but from the description you have provided, I wouldn't say he was gaslighting. Gaslighting usually consists in presenting information and then going back to say their opposite, just to make you doubt yourself and make you defenseless.

I agree that such a situation is never easy. Stringing someone along is never a good choice. In my situation, I would like to believe that, while we were not experiencing the same feeling, I was trying my very best given the situation, so that her time didn't go to waste. Of course, that could also be me making up excuses for myself.

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So let me see if I got the gist of the story. You knowingly pursued and dated a woman who was engaged. You hated being strung along so you basically gave her an ultimatum. She splits with her fiancé to be with you and since you got what you wanted, you no longer wanted it anymore. Then you made up some excuse about how you couldn't trust her and blah blah blah. But at the same time you completely ignored that you pursued and had sex with an engaged woman. You glanced over how you were equally guilty and laid all the blame on her. I don't think you ever mentioned that you felt guilty going after another mans wife to be.

 

Then, you go on and date others, you attract them and then you no longer want them, but you always thought of the one who cheated on her fiancé to be with you. She dates others, she contacts you, and then YOU get mad because you thought you had the upper hand by telling her "Im seeing someone" and she replies with "Me too" and YOU got mad. How dare a woman do that to you..

 

So now fast forward and you say you wanted to see if this FakeJane girl is 'the love of your life' But you cant or wont or haven't gotten past how she treated you. Here is the selfish part. YOU had time to get over it. You had plenty of time to put the past behind you, YOU had plenty of time to think about her coming back into your life because that's what you wanted and YOU had time to work on you. But instead YOU wanted the upper hand again and put her beneath you because you brought up how the first time it ended it left a bad taste in your mouth. Oh, do I need to remind you that YOU went after an another mans woman? So now after years you finally got the woman back and you don't love her.

 

You wanted this woman so much and prayed, bargained, plead, dreamt, thought of this woman being back into your life and hoped she was the one for you and what do you say after it happened?? I don't love her.. then you made up an excuse

 

You question her and don't trust her, but you never asked that question when she was seeing you behind her fiancés back didn't you?

 

All his is happening because this is what you wanted. This is what you engineered, what you developed and this is what you orchestrated. You didn't love her and didn't tell her, you didn't put the past issues behind you, you were not honest with her, you wanted to keep her beneath you.. Now, Im happy that you got the job and go out and have a great time. You should tell this lady to have a nice life and let her go. You two were simply not meant to be together.

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So let me see if I got the gist of the story. You knowingly pursued and dated a woman who was engaged. You hated being strung along so you basically gave her an ultimatum. She splits with her fiancé to be with you and since you got what you wanted, you no longer wanted it anymore. Then you made up some excuse about how you couldn't trust her and blah blah blah. But at the same time you completely ignored that you pursued and had sex with an engaged woman. You glanced over how you were equally guilty and laid all the blame on her. I don't think you ever mentioned that you felt guilty going after another mans wife to be.

 

Then, you go on and date others, you attract them and then you no longer want them, but you always thought of the one who cheated on her fiancé to be with you. She dates others, she contacts you, and then YOU get mad because you thought you had the upper hand by telling her "Im seeing someone" and she replies with "Me too" and YOU got mad. How dare a woman do that to you..

 

So now fast forward and you say you wanted to see if this FakeJane girl is 'the love of your life' But you cant or wont or haven't gotten past how she treated you. Here is the selfish part. YOU had time to get over it. You had plenty of time to put the past behind you, YOU had plenty of time to think about her coming back into your life because that's what you wanted and YOU had time to work on you. But instead YOU wanted the upper hand again and put her beneath you because you brought up how the first time it ended it left a bad taste in your mouth. Oh, do I need to remind you that YOU went after an another mans woman? So now after years you finally got the woman back and you don't love her.

 

You wanted this woman so much and prayed, bargained, plead, dreamt, thought of this woman being back into your life and hoped she was the one for you and what do you say after it happened?? I don't love her.. then you made up an excuse

 

You question her and don't trust her, but you never asked that question when she was seeing you behind her fiancés back didn't you?

 

All his is happening because this is what you wanted. This is what you engineered, what you developed and this is what you orchestrated. You didn't love her and didn't tell her, you didn't put the past issues behind you, you were not honest with her, you wanted to keep her beneath you.. Now, Im happy that you got the job and go out and have a great time. You should tell this lady to have a nice life and let her go. You two were simply not meant to be together.

 

I feel like there is a lot to answer here, and I will be happy to shed some light on the topics presented.

 

When I asked her out, I did not know she was engaged. We are talking something like 6 years ago, but at its core, she was the first to mention she had a boyfriend, she casually did so, and ended the sentence with "...but we have huge issues", and proceeded to see me anyway. So, while I pursued her at first, she wanted to meet me all the same. I felt betrayed because she would always mention how bad her situation was, how badly he treated her, but she still bought time and wasn't really trying to leave him. I was very emotional and immature, we're talking sub-20, and this made me feel unwanted.

 

On that occasion, I feel my main mistake was reconsidering my position after deciding I was done with her and her then-boyfriend. It was not an excuse, I did feel like I couldn't trust her. I didn't feel guilty about their relationship, nor do I feel guilty as of today, because she was already an adult and she chose to leave him. I didn't force her, I didn't seduce her, I just kindly asked to meet and she agreed. She didn't put any value in her previous relationship and she was the protagonist. I was a stranger to it and I still am.

Also she was not a wife to be, in my country that age is way too young and she agreed as well. They were just two wrong people put together before I even came along.

 

I didn't go on dates with random people. I like whoever I date and it's only normal if some caught my eye more than others, some flings lasted a couple months, some a couple weeks. Nevertheless, I also had a very serious relationship after the adventure with Jane. Also about your comment, "how dare a woman do that to you", let me ask you something: would you be happy if you reconnected with a woman and she presented you with a situation similar to the one that made you lose your faith in her in the first place? Granted, I knew nothing about her new guy, I just did not want to re-live something like that. I don't think I should be treated like a womanizer just because I didn't want to go through the same rollercoaster.

 

I felt like Jane was the one that got away and I started idealizing her, I missed her inside of my heart for the worth I put in what we had. I did put my past behind me, but she was my past as well, so I put her behind me too. While my idea of her carried over, my priorities shifted and I was seeking other challenges and experiences. And even after all these years, I still think it was not my job to keep her faithful to a relationship she didn't want for herself in the first place.

 

What is the excuse you mention? My life abroad? I admit it was just part of the problem, but not an excuse at all. The main issue is that I grew to be someone else, she didn't, and she hoped to find my old self even after all this time. After meeting her again, I realized that my vision of her was not the real her.

 

Consider that I am writing all this after coming to a number of harsh conclusions. 4-5 months ago I would have told you that I absolutely wanted to make things work, even if they could not already. I believed in what I said, I was scared of the consequences if I decided otherwise. I am not scared anymore, that's all.

 

I would say that the past has been forgiven, but I have grown out of her as well. I suppose it happens sometimes.

 

I will also mention that we have not spoken again since I decided to end things. And even if I could give her an in-depth explaination of all the reasons why, I think that would just be cruel. Sometimes, "good enough" is indeed good enough, and I do want to let her go.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^ If all that's true, that's pretty messed up, OP.

 

Leave this woman alone. You've done enough damage.

 

ps: Don't go after married or engaged or even women with bf's. Just don't. Have some respect.

 

See above. I am extremely respectful of others' relationship and I would never pursue someone engaged to someone else that I know. But when I come in contact to a complete stranger that has a relationship with a complete stranger, and she wants to meet me and dump him, I feel like that's not my fault at all.

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she wants to meet me and dump him, I feel like that's not my fault at all.

 

It's not that it's your 'fault', it just doesn't buy you anything worth having.

 

Once you position yourself in a front row seat to someone's capacity for disloyalty to anyone else, you can never unknow what you learn.

 

So if you 'win' that person away from her relationship, you still lose. You'll enjoy the victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've just promoted yourself from the guy she's been disloyal WITH to the guy who she'll eventually become disloyal TO.

 

So what's to trust? And what's to invest in?

 

Taking the long road and the hard way to learn this stuff doesn't make anyone a villain. But recognize WHY it's never a good idea to poison your own vision of someone who interests you.

 

So if you meet someone who's involved with another, stay FAR away while you still think highly of her. If their relationship bombs on its own, then there she is. But if you meet someone who is actively shopping for another lover while she's still involved with someone else? What should that tell you?

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I find getting involved with someone once you find out they're already in a relationship with someone else and not taking responsibility for your part is kind of like finding a wallet with a thousand dollars in it. Is it your fault the person dropped their wallet? Is it their fault for being irresponsible and therefore you have a perfect right to take the thousand dollars?

 

To me it's about how I want to view myself. I hope to behave in a morally upright manner and not do anything that I have to "explain" later.

 

And if I were her I would be concerned because you've already demonstrated you don't respect other peoples' relationships. Regardless of whether or not THEY respect them. I would want someone who wouldn't take that thousand dollars, you know?

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It's not that it's your 'fault', it just doesn't buy you anything worth having.

 

Once you position yourself in a front row seat to someone's capacity for disloyalty to anyone else, you can never unknow what you learn.

 

So if you 'win' that person away from her relationship, you still lose. You'll enjoy the victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've just promoted yourself from the guy she's been disloyal WITH to the guy who she'll eventually become disloyal TO.

 

So what's to trust? And what's to invest in?

 

Taking the long road and the hard way to learn this stuff doesn't make anyone a villain. But recognize WHY it's never a good idea to poison your own vision of someone who interests you.

 

So if you meet someone who's involved with another, stay FAR away while you still think highly of her. If their relationship bombs on its own, then there she is. But if you meet someone who is actively shopping for another lover while she's still involved with someone else? What should that tell you?

 

I cannot disagree. In retrospect, I would have dropped the whole thing, as I said. But that's from the perspective of a more mature person (or at least, I'd like to fashion myself that), and I was not mature 6 years ago. I hated that I viewed her in a certain way instead of what I would have liked.

 

I want to clarify that I do not approve of the action of finding someone else while a relationship is still going. I myself prefer to just leave the person if the relationship is not working. But people have different behaviors in different situations and I don't feel qualified enough to accuse her.

 

 

I find getting involved with someone once you find out they're already in a relationship with someone else and not taking responsibility for your part is kind of like finding a wallet with a thousand dollars in it. Is it your fault the person dropped their wallet? Is it their fault for being irresponsible and therefore you have a perfect right to take the thousand dollars?

 

To me it's about how I want to view myself. I hope to behave in a morally upright manner and not do anything that I have to "explain" later.

 

And if I were her I would be concerned because you've already demonstrated you don't respect other peoples' relationships. Regardless of whether or not THEY respect them. I would want someone who wouldn't take that thousand dollars, you know?

 

I would say it's more like finding the wallet, returning it, and being told I can keep it by the owner.

 

As mentioned above, I too would prefer to end a relationship before going into another. At the same time I understand that finding an external person is a way for some people to get out of a horrible situation more easily, even if it's not the morally upright way to do it.

 

I don't think she would've had to be concerned about me. I would not have moved towards her if she didn't tell me it was perfectly okay. I understand where you are coming from, since in this equation there is a human being in pain (i.e. the ex-boyfriend), but it was not my responsibility to keep her on the good path.

 

What material responsibility do I have in that? If she had said "no" even once, I would have backed off and forgot about her. She never did. I was interested in her and I just went forward. If anything, she should have cared about her boyfriend and left him as soon as she realized she was looking at other people.

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In Nov of 19, you posted about this girl Jane. And there was a pattern. You can put your hands up and say When I met her she didn't mention she was involved with someone. But once you found out she was involved and engaged, the relationship continued. You even said yourself in your post in Nov that it continued for months. You had questions and you said you left because of how she handled the situation and she left her fiancé. You mean to tell me that you did not give her an ultimatum at all? Im sure you mentioned something insinuating if she left her fiancé that you two could be together.

Then after you two were together, you questioned her behavior. You said "Our relationship was going well, but I just kept thinking and thinking about her behavior; why wouldn't she leave him when it mattered the most? Why did we have to almost split? Most importantly, why couldn't I stop thinking about it?"

 

I mean you had exactly what you wanted. You got the girl you wanted then when you got her, you looked for a reason out. Maybe you sabotaged the relationship who knows, but it eventually ended. Then you said you dated Amanda.. and you didn't like it when you two argued she brought up her Xs, so you two ended it. Then you reconnected with girl #1. Mind you you said "cue YEARS of suffering" so meaning time from fiancé to then when you reconnected had been years. So in that time you had a chance to grow, move the first relationship behind you, sort things out and you were seeing someone.

 

So you two met up, had a good time and then after it was over you said you text her saying "I am seeing someone" when she replied "Oh I am too" you said this. "I sank into the ground. She had all the time in the world to contact me whenever she pleased, and she did so, wanting to try again with me, exactly when she was seeing another guy. It had to be a cruel joke. When I expressed my concerns about this behavior, she dumped him instantly."

 

that's why I said "how dare she be dating someone" because you were hurt, you were mad, in fact you were so mad that you again, said something because you expressed your concerns on HER behavior and she dumped him." So I had to ask, why did you tell her and express your displeasure about her behavior?

 

So then you two got back together and instead of you being Over the Moon, you say "I was still resenting her internally for how we split up the first time."

That means that in the YEARS of suffering you did not advance or put anything behind you. So you emotionally kept her at arms length. Rather than telling her the truth, you said nothing was wrong when you knew something was wrong.

 

So this is two times you had the woman you wanted and both times you are sabotaging the relationship. And Im not talking about getting a job as sabotage Im talking about keeping her at arms length and not being honest with her. You know that type of relationship cant be sustained.

 

You got what you wanted and when you did, you didn't want it anymore. Careful what you wish for.

 

But you know what? We are not perfect, we all make mistakes, just learn from them. Im happy you got a new job and this is a fresh start for you. You just have to let this Jane girl know what you wish her the best, have a great life and that you wont be a part of it anymore and let her go. Don't worry, there will be plenty of women for you to meet, you appear you don't have any problems attracting women so in time you will meet the right one.

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No1

 

Thank you for reading through the original thread, it can be quite a load of things to remember.

 

I understand what you mean. Back then, I even consulted with a specialist because I was torn between wanting to split due to the premises of the relationship (and even then, what for? Since ofc we were together now and there was no problem at all), and to stay together and put all of myself into it.

 

To this day I really have no idea why I focused so much on the feeling I had of being the second in line for her. I think it has to do with intolerance of competition but it lingered even after that was not an issue anymore.

 

But nowadays that doesn't matter as much, I haven't thought about our old relationship in a while now. I just cannot seem to build up feelings for her at the pace she does for me. I wish I had realised sooner that you cannot force this kind of things or just wait them out. I believe I will never have strong feelings for her again, which doesn't mean I am completely indifferent to her, but that we are not on the same page with life goals.

 

I do wish her all the best, but I fear it would hurt her to hear from me again just for that. Rest assured, however, that we have discussed all our problems repeatedly whenever they rose, and I often told her she is a great person that deserves an equally great person.

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I want to clarify that I do not approve of the action of finding someone else while a relationship is still going. I myself prefer to just leave the person if the relationship is not working. But people have different behaviors in different situations and I don't feel qualified enough to accuse her.

 

It's not about accusing. It's about learning whether someone is right for you.

 

She showed you her capacity for disloyalty. So you may wonder WHY there's been a wedge between your feelings for her today versus the 'love' that your less mature self was willing to overlook and indulge anyway. But you can't unlearn what you already know about a person, even if you didn't 'get it' back then.

 

So? She's never been a safe investment. You can contort yourself, or you can give yourself the credit for the part of your brain that has put it all together and come up with a 'no'.

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I understand that you are not the same person you were many years ago. If you met someone today and she said she was engaged or married or has a boyfriend, I would think you would say thanks but no thanks. I think you said originally all that happened 6 years ago. So I cant sit there and judge you because when I was in my teens and early 20s, I made A LOT of mistakes and tried to learn from them, but then again, I am a guy so it takes for me to make the same mistake several times. haha.

In the end, you will always have a love for her, but doesn't mean that you have to be in love with her. You can care about her, care for her health, her happiness and well being and that's perfectly okay. Just know that at this moment in time, you two are not compatible. I didn't say that to give you or her hope for any future, but no one knows what can happen. Maybe in 20 years you two might reconnect and things can be great or you two might never talk to each other again.

Truth is that you will meet a lot of people and maybe one of them is perfect for you. You are starting a new job in a new location so the possibilities are endless. I have posted that I am happy for you. Time to close the chapter marked "Jane" and open up a new one. Enjoy and good luck to you.

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