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How many dates did you wait before sleeping together? WOULD LOVE YOUR ANSWERS


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I've been dating this super attractive guy since late march, (He's 34, I'm 25) first it started off as us talking on and off throughout quarantine, we facetimed a couple of times and we've built a connection over the last 5 months. Since I've been back in NYC we've had 3 dates and all 3 haven't been extravagant bc of covid so there's obviously limited things to do around here, but all 3 times I've seen him there's been chemistry, great conversation and it's always been a great time. The third date we kissed for the first time, and an amazing makeout session followed after, he has the MOST amazing lips. Ok anyway... it was a very passionate little moment we both enjoyed and that we had anticipated for so long and he brought up that he def. had urges but that he likes me and thats it's my call to take it to the next level and that he'll wait as long as he needs to. When he said that, I literally almost cried because I've only met one other man whose had the respect for me in my life to actually be honest and come out and say that. I want to have sex with him so bad, but I feel like we need a couple more dates to build up to the perfect moment.. and feel it out.

 

Anyway, I'm sure itll happen,

So this got me curious and it brought me to thinking...

 

So I just want to know from everyone, how long did you wait until you had sex with your partner? Why? Was he/she understanding?

 

& How many dates/months did you wait before sleeping together? What was his/her reaction? How did you handle the wait if there was one?

 

Be as detailed as you want! I would love to know.

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First, a preface: What others do, and how others navigate this, really has no impact on your life. Have sex when you want to have sex, in short, when the choice lines up with your values. That's the right moment. Doesn't mean things will work out, of course, and nor does it need to be "perfect." It's not a transaction. It's just being vulnerable with someone you're comfortable being vulnerable with, and seeing where that goes.

 

In my personal life, in terms of dating and relationships? It's honestly all over the map, ranging, roughly, from the second or third date to month 3. Do the math there, and you can imagine that some of those people didn't go onto become serious relationships—but, alas, some did, and the waiting game wasn't the reason. The reason was because it felt right—not the sex, but bigger "it"—and that small miracle happened where it felt right and right and right, even as time passed. I honestly see zero correlation in my life between relationship success and "waiting," save for waiting until the moment was both right for me and another person, which, with a few exceptions, has been how I've lived.

 

But, again, that's just me. You're you.

 

One thing I can't help but note here? You seem pretty smitten here from behavior that is just...well, decent. You're essentially saying that you "almost cried" because this dude didn't force himself on you because of said "urges," and treated you with basic human respect. That is a low bar, if I'm being honest, for waterworks. That is just decency, not magic, and as your internet friend? That scares me a bit, as that sort of vulnerability is of a different strand than the lovely vulnerability that can spark up and expand between two people, both naked and clothed.

 

So, you want to go out a few more times before getting naked? Great! Do exactly that. Just be honest with yourself, which is to say respect your truth as if it's gold, because it is.

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First, a preface: What others do, and how others navigate this, really has no impact on your life. Have sex when you want to have sex, in short, when the choice lines up with your values. That's the right moment. Doesn't mean things will work out, of course, and nor does it need to be "perfect." It's not a transaction. It's just being vulnerable with someone you're comfortable being vulnerable with, and seeing where that goes.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

There's no point in anyone answering your questions on how long, etc. Everyone is different, every relationship is different. All it sounds like is gossip if people start saying when, why and how, I mean, what difference does it make to you and your relationship?

 

Live your own life and make your own decisions based on what's right for you, not on what others have done or are doing.

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You're essentially saying that you "almost cried" because this dude didn't force himself on you because of said "urges," and treated you with basic human respect. That is a low bar,

 

Again, I agree. He's just being decent, not an out of this world superhero that would make sense for tears. Have you barely had anyone treat you decently? Is that why you're attaching yourself so strongly to someone who is just being nice?

 

You might want to step back for a second and slow down. You seem to be getting ahead of yourself and turning him into some kind of fantasy white knight when in fact, he's just a guy and you're still getting to know each other.

 

Bring your standards up and expect any man to treat you with respect and decency. Slow down on making this man a superhero and see him as a human being whom you're still getting to know and are only dating at this point.

 

You don't know him very well, yet.

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I typically waited months with one exception I regretted (6 weeks). My standards were - exclusive, in love, strong potential for marriage, on same page as far as accidental pregnancies, tested properly for STDs. Not a number of dates at all. I am really glad I stuck to my personal values and standards. I married at 42 (husband same age) and did not have a lot of sex partners (sexual intercourse - yes I hooked up with people in a sexual way -more than I had intercourse with and sometimes earlier than having a full blown commitment but that wasn't typical. To me intercourse was different because to me it was far more intimate plus the risk of pregnancy/higher risk of STD.

 

I'm not saying anyone should take my approach. I love how it worked for me especially because I rarely felt jaded or cynical about men and I was never tempted to indulge in the whole "he lead me on just to have sex". I think men get blamed far too much for choices women make to have casual sex.

 

In every case my partner was on the same page with me or wanted to wait till I was comfortable. Except for the exception. He pressured me, I gave in because he promised exclusivity and I was over the moon with him. He never was in love with me and ended things after 5 months. I don't feel awful about it, just regrets.

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I'd wait until I felt ready. I don't think anything about this guy is so super special. You haven't been around him enough to know if he just giving you a line. There's also the age difference. He has much more experience in life and relationships than you.... So he knows what to say and do...

 

Just things to keep in mind.

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I personally believe in waiting, but that being said, don't make the mistake of some posters who have sex, then can't bring themselves to ask the other person where they stand. They are nervous to ask the other person if they are dating anyone else yet they already had sex?? How can you be naked already and be afraid to scare someone off if you ask questions.

 

I say wait because then you will know truly if you have a connection that isn't just attraction. Its easier to let go if he ends up not being right for you if you have not had sex, then realize after having sex that there is stuff about him that is not sympatico because the sex will have you stay or you will say "but i slept with him already and i feel i luuurveeeee him..." Find out more about him - what is his relationship style with his family -- are they estranged? Does he have good boundaries with them. Are his plans to stay in NYC forever? In otherwords, its exciting to meet someone new, but get to KNOW him. your relationship is not really at the 5-6 month stage due to a lack of being able to actually date except three dates. This is like the early weeks of dating in your case...

 

Avoid dates that are Netflix and chill -- do things even if they are lowkey - in public so you are not tempted to jump in the sack just yet

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The one thing that should be said is that on this forum, a lot of the relationships that start off with sex within the first few weeks or even months, seem to always end quite quickly.

 

You may have been chatting for a while, but you've only had 3 dates.

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I don't understand what "wait" means in this context. If you focus on other things, getting to know him, going out, doing other activities, then it's not "waiting" it's that you're keeping yourselves busy doing other things and you will get to sex when the relationship progresses to that. Looking at it as "waiting" seems artificial and forced. And some guy announcing to me that he's "waiting" for sex would instantly put pressure on me regardless of how wonderful he was trying to present himself as by being willing to "wait."

 

My xH and I slept together the first night we met and were together 25 years.

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One thing I can't help but note here? You seem pretty smitten here from behavior that is just...well, decent. You're essentially saying that you "almost cried" because this dude didn't force himself on you because of said "urges," and treated you with basic human respect. That is a low bar, if I'm being honest, for waterworks. That is just decency, not magic, and as your internet friend? That scares me a bit, as that sort of vulnerability is of a different strand than the lovely vulnerability that can spark up and expand between two people, both naked and clothed.

 

Thankyou so much for your answer, I definitely couldnt agree with you more, It's just that It's been an extremely long time since a guy hasnt treated me like and was honest and passive about his feelings towards sex, but like you said that should be the standard! and nothing less.

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I don't understand what "wait" means in this context. If you focus on other things, getting to know him, going out, doing other activities, then it's not "waiting" it's that you're keeping yourselves busy doing other things and you will get to sex when the relationship progresses to that. Looking at it as "waiting" seems artificial and forced. And some guy announcing to me that he's "waiting" for sex would instantly put pressure on me regardless of how wonderful he was trying to present himself as by being willing to "wait."

 

My xH and I slept together the first night we met and were together 25 years.

 

This was probably my favorite answer, Thankyou for writing your perspective. Understand that him saying that was more so not an announcement (I feel) he was just letting me know because during our make out things got very heated at one point so he was just reassuring me, although I completely agree with you. I now after thinking through and reading what you have to say think it's best to just hang out and let things progress organically till it just ends up happening or not.

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I hope you took something out of everyone else's advice who took the time to write to you. Waiting until you know each other better, have spent a fair amount of time together in person, etc, typically has a much better outcome than just having sex right away.

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I hope you took something out of everyone else's advice who took the time to write to you. Waiting until you know each other better, have spent a fair amount of time together in person, etc, typically has a much better outcome than just having sex right away.

 

I defenity did and couldnt agree more. Thankyou so much for your input

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Nothing casual. He and I both discussed we both don't like wasting our time and are interested in partnership at some point.

 

Then wait first to see if this is someone you can tolerate or put up with. Date a bit more and see whether there's some substance there.

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Then wait first to see if this is someone you can tolerate or put up with. Date a bit more and see whether there's some substance there.

 

AGREE. This guy is just simply treating you with decency -- that is the baseline for considering someone. That's the baseline - now see if your values match up, etc. And he COULD say he doesn't want anything casual -- but has not known you well enough or long enough to know if he wants a relationship with YOU. Its just too early

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