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Why do I feel so low, after what she's doing?


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RJ.

 

You really must get a handle on your emotions, and obsession, with professional help if necessary:

 

"...seeing her happy and moving on from me and with someone else is scaring me so much"

 

The other posters are right.

 

Also, child custody issues follow on from a judicial separation (or a divorce as the case may be). I think you need a different solicitor. In actual fact you do not have a separation in place at all. As others have pointed out your wife is merely visiting her mother, with the children.

 

Please prioritise the children RJ.

 

Many many separated people have to see each other because they have children. They may even still have some feelings for each other (or not), but the stable sensible thing to do is think first and only of the children.

 

Wrong here, RJ:

 

"I do sometimes feel if the genders were reversed and it was me who had taken the kids and refusing the mother from having much access, things would be totally different."

 

The Courts will take an objective view of the facts in all cases, and I'd advise you to re-read Billie's post above.

 

So, I'll ask again, what are you going to do? In practical terms. Get a move on with, at least, a judicial separation, as you seem to be dragging your feet over filing right away for a divorce.

 

And yes, just to mention that the diabetic clinics do have counsellors on their staff and I'd highly advise you to make an appointment with one of them. Soon.

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It seems like your wife did the right thing staying with her mother and taking the kids with her.

 

It's a sign of decent parenting to get them away from your arguing, stealing, gambling and poor mental and unstable physical health.

 

You seem to be wallowing in self pity. Even your attitude about your kids is all about using them as pawns and avoiding financial responsibility.

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It seems like your wife did the right thing staying with her mother and taking the kids with her.

 

It's a sign of decent parenting to get them away from your arguing, stealing, gambling and poor mental and unstable physical health.

 

You seem to be wallowing in self pity. Even your attitude about your kids is all about using them as pawns and avoiding financial responsibility.

 

Three days ago, my wife had to call me to ask me what our daughters dose of medications are for when she feels unwell, as she had forgotten, that's hardly a reassuring thing for her to have to ask me. She has had clinical depression for years and has attempted suicide a few times and has told various people recently that she is feeling suicidal, and yet you have the audacity to say she is so much more stable than me. What is so wrong about a father wanting to see his children? THE GAMBLING AND STEALING HAS BEEN OVER FOR MONTHS and as I've already said, what about the £900 of my money from my nanny who died, in which my mother in law took from my flat without my consent and put into my wife's account? Is that acceptable because she's a woman so she can do no wrong? A decent parent doesn't take children away from a parent and refuse any unsupervised access, based purely on issues between the parents. You should see how happy those children are whenever they see me, and they cry when I have to leave.

I don't have to file for divorce, that can happen after this has been sorted out. The letter to the courts will be sent out this week and things will start moving hopefully. I just honestly feel like you think it's fine for a mother to take children away from the father, when the father has never done anything to hurt them. I've always had food on the table for them I've always provided a roof over their heads, I've taken care of any medical issues they've had, I've always been the one to stay overnight in hospital when they've been ill because my wife "can't cope with them in hospital and it gives her a headache, so she don't want to be there with them£ her words, even when our youngest was just days old. I'm not a bad dad, I'd do anything for those children, but because I'm a make, it seems like it's perfectly fine for me to not have any decent access to them, other than when she clicks her fingers and let me sit in her garden for an hour

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RJ. Maybe you could stop, even briefly, from this arguing and comparing about who did what to whom and and who is the better parent. None of that is productive and also gets you all wound up. I don't have to tell you that "wound-up" and "diabetes" don't go well together.

 

Do not go down this road, OP:

 

"Is that acceptable because she's a woman so she can do no wrong?"

 

 

"things will start moving hopefully". That is not good enough. All the emotional stuff is totally immaterial here. You well know that judicial separation, divorce and agreements over custody and other matters require a level-headed and practical approach. IMO letters to courts, letters to your wife and all that shilly-shallying will not lead to a satisfactory and concrete outcome for your children. This is hard-headed stuff I know, but you have to face into it.

 

A judicial separation or divorce will put matters on a legal footing for once and for all.

 

Thing is, you don't WANT to file for divorce because you still think (mistakenly) that your wife will return to you. Get that idea out of your head, OP.

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So? She's not denying you access she's just being careful that you don't take them to use as pawns and tools to force her back to you. Because that's your main focus, not your kids.

 

So I've got to live my life waiting for her to text me and say I can sit in her garden for an hour have I? She is worried that I would take the kids, but isn't that what she's done? You aren't listening to what I'm saying. I don't want her back, I wouldn't be able to trust her. She is the one using the kids, dangling them Infront of me and then saying "but you can't have them" if I did that, you'd be saying how wrong I was. What is so bad about a dad being allowed to take his own children out for the day? People who have done a lot worse than me get more access than I'm currently allowed. We are both on the birth certificates, we both have equal care if those girls, so why is it right for me to suddenly have that stripped from me, just because my wife doesn't love me? I've never known separated parents to jot both have their children by themselves

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Geeze, RJ. I give up!

 

There you go again. Arguing about nothing.

 

I did/she did. Comparisons to people who "did a lot worse". Please, please make my day and don't mention again wife murders and woods. L.

 

I'll try one more time. You are NOT separated, not in any legal sense. She is at her mother's with the children. That is why you need to get matters on a legal footing NOW.

 

I am not asking you about letters to courts, to her and other futile stuff. I am asking, WHY won't you file for divorce, NOW. Why? Straight answer wanted.

 

After the divorce is finalised you "don't have to live your life waiting". You get on with living your life. You are 28 not 88.

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Geeze, RJ. I give up!

 

There you go again. Arguing about nothing.

 

I did/she did. Comparisons to people who "did a lot worse". Please, please make my day and don't mention again wife murders and woods. L.

 

I'll try one more time. You are NOT separated, not in any legal sense. She is at her mother's with the children. That is why you need to get matters on a legal footing NOW.

 

I am not asking you about letters to courts, to her and other futile stuff. I am asking, WHY won't you file for divorce, NOW. Why? Straight answer wanted.

 

After the divorce is finalised you "don't have to live your life waiting". You get on with living your life. You are 28 not 88.

 

Because I don't need to get a divorce. We can have a legal separation AFTER everything is formalised with the children. She has sent me a letter from the child maintenance service asking me to pay her child maintenance, she wouldn't do that if she was going to move back in and still with me. The letters are not "futile". They are a legally binding contract that states if my wife doesn't agree to what I have proposed and she doesn't give a suitable counter proposal, then the courts will have to make a legal arrangement in regards to the children. Do you think that every couple who splits up suddenly gets a divorce? I will be looking at getting a legal separation, but I've been advised (and I chose my solicitor carefully, been named the best solicitor in my county for the past three years) that I do not need to get a separation or divorce before sorting out the children

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Whatever you say RB.

 

I never mentioned a sudden divorce. People split up and THEN (not "suddenly" but afterwards) get a divorce.

 

From the NSPCC website (U.K.):

 

"If mediation fails, either parent can apply through the courts for a Child Arrangements Order. This should always be a last resort.

 

Before an application can be made, parents will need to prove they have attempted mediation"

"The court will only make an Arrangements Order (rather than make no Order) where they believe it would be better for the child to do so.

 

Before they can see a judge, the family will be allocated a Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) officer. The Cafcass officer will work with the family to assess any risks to the children and consider whether a decision can be made through mediation."

 

And I remember you rejected the idea of mediation, but:

 

"If parents can't agree on contact arrangements, the next step is family mediation. This can help resolve disputes without needing to go to court.

 

A mediator is an independent, trained professional who can help parents come to an agreement and explain how this is legally bound.

 

Parents may be able to get legal aid for mediation. Find out more from the Family Mediation Council."

 

and to conclude:

 

"What does it mean to be separated? ... A separation isn't the same as a divorce. Separation means that you are living apart from your spouse, but you're still legally married until you get a judgment of divorce from a court (even if you already have a judgment of separation)."

 

I now see why you say you will go for a separation.

 

Happy Days! You'll still remain married to her!

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Whatever you say RB.

 

I never mentioned a sudden divorce. People split up and THEN (not "suddenly" but afterwards) get a divorce.

 

From the NSPCC website (U.K.):

 

"If mediation fails, either parent can apply through the courts for a Child Arrangements Order. This should always be a last resort.

 

Before an application can be made, parents will need to prove they have attempted mediation"

"The court will only make an Arrangements Order (rather than make no Order) where they believe it would be better for the child to do so.

 

Before they can see a judge, the family will be allocated a Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) officer. The Cafcass officer will work with the family to assess any risks to the children and consider whether a decision can be made through mediation."

 

And I remember you rejected the idea of mediation, but:

 

"If parents can't agree on contact arrangements, the next step is family mediation. This can help resolve disputes without needing to go to court.

 

A mediator is an independent, trained professional who can help parents come to an agreement and explain how this is legally bound.

 

Parents may be able to get legal aid for mediation. Find out more from the Family Mediation Council."

 

and to conclude:

 

"What does it mean to be separated? ... A separation isn't the same as a divorce. Separation means that you are living apart from your spouse, but you're still legally married until you get a judgment of divorce from a court (even if you already have a judgment of separation)."

 

I now see why you say you will go for a separation.

 

Happy Days! You'll still remain married to her!

 

Look. A divorce can take months, say half a year to formalise. Then it would be the case of seeking access to my children, say another six months. So that's a whole year of incredibly limited access to my young children, all for the sake of signing a bit of paper to say we are divorced. A mediation isn't a legally bound arrangement. We could agree at a mediation that I'll see the girls every weekend by myself, but then my wife can suddenly change her mind and deny that access again. I've been talking to a solicitor, someone who deals with this every single day of their lives, and I'm going to trust her judgement more than a quick Google search from you. My wife and her mother are extremely manipulative characters and would bulky me into getting exactly what they want in court. She even tried telling my solicitor that she knows her rights more than someone who has been working in the legal sector for years. I'm always being told by my mother in law that I'm just a sperm donor and dad's don't matter in a child's life. I'm not prepared to allow them to brainwash my children for a while year to get my access to my kids. If you weren't allowed to see your children, would you be happy to just sit around and not do anything? Let the mother treat you like a doormat and expect to just live off scraps in regards to seeing your children?

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No need to get snippy with me RJ. You are on here, on a forum, and posters have been exceptionally helpful to you not to say very patient.

 

I merely quoted some information from the NSPCC website.

 

You are not the first, nor the last, person I know of who is going through custody proceedings.

 

And if your solicitor is so good then I doubt very much that she would allow you to be "bullied in court" by anyone.

 

You ask what I would do? Firstly, I doubt if I would even have been involved in the first instance with manipulative, bullying, brainwashing people, or a person who treats one like a doormat. And your MIL not only called you a freak back whenever and to her you are just a sperm donor. Nice people! Whether you get visitation rights or custody or whatever, these people are going to be in your life for the foreseeable. Your wife will continue to live under her mother's roof, visitation rights or not, unless she gets married and moves on. Nothing to stop her marrying someone from the other end of the country. Something for you to ponder upon. And should she decide to re-marry then SHE will file for divorce.

 

That aside, I would keep a cool head, make haste slowly and above all, stop second-guessing. And while you are at it, ask your solicitor the RIGHT questions.

 

That's about it OP. All the best.

 

You said yourself it could be Christmas before the Courts reach a decision, if then at all. So one way or another you are looking at half a year. Right? Has the solicitor given you an exact date when you will finally be given those visitation rights? Or...?

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That's correct. That is what gambling and arguing cost you. Your free access to children. Everyone who gets separated/divorced has to come up with a mutually convenient arrangement. She knows you better than you think and most mothers try to protect their kids. She allows you access, but knows if you take them you'll use them as pawns.

So I've got to live my life waiting for her to text me and say I can sit in her garden for an hour have I?
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This is what's called consequences. You chose to gamble your money away and while you were feeling the thrill of playing money games you weren't thinking about what the result could be. I don't know that gambling is a mature and effective means to make more money. You get a second job for that. Gambling is about the addiction to the thrill, not about trying to support your family.

 

But you can't undo the past. So in the meantime, until your solicitor gets off her butt and actually files paperwork in court, you are going to have to go along with what your wife dictates with regard to seeing your children. I certainly hope you have been visiting them because if you are instead wallowing in self pity and heartbreak and NOT seeing them you have a poorer chance of getting an equitable custody arrangement. So if you aren't visiting them you need to get yourself together and go. This is crucial.

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This is what's called consequences. You chose to gamble your money away and while you were feeling the thrill of playing money games you weren't thinking about what the result could be. I don't know that gambling is a mature and effective means to make more money. You get a second job for that. Gambling is about the addiction to the thrill, not about trying to support your family.

 

But you can't undo the past. So in the meantime, until your solicitor gets off her butt and actually files paperwork in court, you are going to have to go along with what your wife dictates with regard to seeing your children. I certainly hope you have been visiting them because if you are instead wallowing in self pity and heartbreak and NOT seeing them you have a poorer chance of getting an equitable custody arrangement. So if you aren't visiting them you need to get yourself together and go. This is crucial.

 

No, people gamble because they have issues aswell. I had (at the time) a mental health issue due to financial issues and couldn't see how to get out of it. When you feel like that, you get desperate and make mistakes. Some people turn to drink, drugs, gambling, robbery, get severley depressed etc etc). I resolved my issues though, and came out the other side. Isn't that a positive? Would you keep battering an ex alcoholic after they managed to stop drinking, or would you say "well done for battling and beating those demons"? I had a problem and I beat it.

I have seen them everytime I've been offered the chance (only once each weekend though, for a couple of hours) and I've been messaging every night and trying to have video calls with the girls, but she goes days without even letting me see them on a video call. I can't go round there and demand to see them, as that'd be seen as threatening and they could even call the police as I'd be on their property. I'm doing it the correct way. The more times she refuses me to see them, even on video, the more unreasonable she is making herself look. The girls are always so happy to see me. I went to see them on Saturday and they ran too me, all excited, and when I left, they were crying their eyes out. How is it in their best interests to keep them away from me like this?

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I think you should listen to your lawyer and follow the advice by the legal professionals. I wouldn't hold out for this marriage regardless of the timing of things or the order you do things according to the legal advice. Emotionally and psychologically, you need to heal and picture a different life from what used to be your life before with your family. You said that you were already looking at separation so good for your for getting through this. Slowly but surely.

 

No one situation is the same. Try looking into help and support regarding the dissolution of your marriage. Talk to others going through similar or those having gone through similar. People who haven't divorced or don't have kids won't be in the same space you are. I had plenty of advice from others while I was first separating and not all of it was relatable or right for me. I also had married friends (never divorced) who had plenty to ladle out which was also not right for me.

 

I hope you find what's right for you and find your own path. Hang in there and have strength.

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I think you should listen to your lawyer and follow the advice by the legal professionals. I wouldn't hold out for this marriage regardless of the timing of things or the order you do things according to the legal advice. Emotionally and psychologically, you need to heal and picture a different life from what used to be your life before with your family. You said that you were already looking at separation so good for your for getting through this. Slowly but surely.

 

No one situation is the same. Try looking into help and support regarding the dissolution of your marriage. Talk to others going through similar or those having gone through similar. People who haven't divorced or don't have kids won't be in the same space you are. I had plenty of advice from others while I was first separating and not all of it was relatable or right for me. I also had married friends (never divorced) who had plenty to ladle out which was also not right for me.

 

I hope you find what's right for you and find your own path. Hang in there and have strength.

Thank you. It's almost like the bad days, most of the last two years, have suddenly vanished from my mind. The times I'd dread going home from work as I didn't know what kind of mood she'd be in, always scared of saying or doing the wrong thing incase it annoyed her, if she told me to do ten things and I done nine, she'd go crazy at me for not doing the tenth thing, the silences we'd have most night when we weren't arguing, the silky little comments we'd both make to each other, the overpowering and dominant mother in law, the constant "get off me, I don't want you near me" that I'd get, even if I put my hand on her knee for half a second, the sleeping on the sofa etc etc, I've forgotten them all and can only remember our good times from years ago. Why do I feel so jealous about her potentially meeting a new bloke, as, if he stuck around for long enough, would soon realise what she's like and probably wouldn't be as prepared to stick with it as I was.

Obviously my daughter's are the number one issue in all of this, and the most important people in my life, but it seems like I'm not allowed to feel upset at what's gone on at times, but you can't always control your emotions! I wish I could switch my feelings for her off like a tap, but I can't, and it's that which is most upsetting me about our split, after the situation with the girls, but I'm viewing those as a totally separate issue that I have to get resolved

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“ I wish I could switch my feelings for her off like a tap, but I can't, and it's that which is most upsetting me about our split, after the situation with the girls, but I'm viewing those as a totally separate issue that I have to get resolved”

 

The most upsetting thing for you as you have just outlined about your split is that you can’t turn off your feelings for her.

Second to that is the girls being absent from the house.

 

You can’t deal with both as seperate issues simultaneously.

You need to come to the acceptance that you have split. Emotionally your wife left you two years ago. Physically only recently.

I’m only assuming that for the past two years you have been in denial that you have split and had false hopes.

Those hopes are squashed now that your wife had physically split from you.

 

And so you need to accept it no matter how hard that is and file for divorce. Yes divorce proceedings can be lengthy depending on individual situations and splitting of assets etc. But the sooner the better for all involved including your kids.

Get the ball rolling.

 

And once you start to accept the split , you will start to communicate better with your ex wife.

Which should result in better discussions about seeing the kids at a mutually agreed time.

 

You need to stop berating her for her actions past and present and work with her not against her.

 

Good luck!

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“ I wish I could switch my feelings for her off like a tap, but I can't, and it's that which is most upsetting me about our split, after the situation with the girls, but I'm viewing those as a totally separate issue that I have to get resolved”

 

The most upsetting thing for you as you have just outlined about your split is that you can’t turn off your feelings for her.

Second to that is the girls being absent from the house.

 

You can’t deal with both as seperate issues simultaneously.

You need to come to the acceptance that you have split. Emotionally your wife left you two years ago. Physically only recently.

I’m only assuming that for the past two years you have been in denial that you have split and had false hopes.

Those hopes are squashed now that your wife had physically split from you.

 

And so you need to accept it no matter how hard that is and file for divorce. Yes divorce proceedings can be lengthy depending on individual situations and splitting of assets etc. But the sooner the better for all involved including your kids.

Get the ball rolling.

 

And once you start to accept the split , you will start to communicate better with your ex wife.

Which should result in better discussions about seeing the kids at a mutually agreed time.

 

You need to stop berating her for her actions past and present and work with her not against her.

 

Good luck!

The trouble is, she is now starting to get very petty. Things like messaging me, demanding I transfer £2.93 to her because I have used the landline and that's how much it's cost on the phone bill (the phone/internet is the only bill that she pays). And yet it's fine for her to come along and take the food that I bought last week and still use all the electricity she wants when she comes round while I'm not there etc. It's almost like she just wants to cause an argument and make me snap at her, as then that would make me look bad in the eyes of the courts etc. I'm not going to send the money, I'm just going to ignore it as I don't feel I should have too. It's just silly little things that she's now doing, trying to get a ride out of me!

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What Billie just said:

 

"You need to come to the acceptance that you have split. Emotionally your wife left you two years ago. Physically only recently.

I’m only assuming that for the past two years you have been in denial that you have split and had false hopes.

Those hopes are squashed now that your wife had physically split from you.

 

And so you need to accept it no matter how hard that is and file for divorce. Yes divorce proceedings can be lengthy depending on individual situations and splitting of assets etc. But the sooner the better for all involved including your kids.

Get the ball rolling.

 

And once you start to accept the split , you will start to communicate better with your ex wife.

Which should result in better discussions about seeing the kids at a mutually agreed time.

"

 

I had, in fact, intended to ask you (as Wiseman did) about your own family. I assume your parents are still living, and would they be supportive to you? Any siblings?

 

We only hear about the dreaded MIL but not about your own family.

 

You cannot be serious when you say stuff like this, OP.

 

"Why do I feel so jealous about her potentially meeting a new bloke, as, if he stuck around for long enough, would soon realise what she's like and probably wouldn't be as prepared to stick with it as I was.

 

 

AS I said in another post, your wife may well eventually re-marry, in which case she will file for divorce in order to do so. And she could well marry someone from the other end of the country. It happens, not to mention that many re-marry someone and move abroad. You do need to keep these facts in mind.

 

Stick to the big picture, OP, and never mind the unhelpful details about pettiness.

 

And, oh yes. Keep after that solicitor. If you can get her to put in writing any advice she gives you, so that you are clear on all points.

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If you are still legally married your assets, bills and debts are both of your responsibility.

 

This is what I have always thought, but I've always had to pay the rent, gas, electricity, water etc etc. She keeps telling me she has moved out and I have received a letter from child maintenance saying I've got to start paying £250 a month to her. She still comes and goes to our flat as she pleases though, but surely if she's moved out and is seeking child maintenance, that's proof she no longer lives here so she shouldn't be able to just come and go when I'm not here, without contributing? She's using all the utilities I pay for, I'm paying the rent, she's eating the food I buy, but she doesn't pay a penny. It doesn't seem right

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Sorry to hear that. She obviously has a better lawyer who quickly file for child support on your kids behalf. However marital assets are a divorce thing, not a child support thing. Notice she had the courts send you this, if you defy it you could be in trouble. Unlike that lame thing your lawyer sent her.

 

You'll need a decent divorce attorney to file for legal separation, to start the division of assets and start separating bills, debts, etc. One way or the other have to pay for the place. But if her name is still on the lease/deed, she's still on the hook as long as you are legally married.

 

Unfortunately she lawyered up and with an efficient get to the point attorney. You need to fire that lazy hag you hired, who simply had her secretary send out some lame latter. You now know she has a good attorney so you need to find someone competent or you'll be blindsided.

I have received a letter from child maintenance saying I've got to start paying £250 a month to her.
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