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I have been married for almost 2 years now but I have been with my husband for 8 years in total. I feel like we are still getting in the same fights since we’ve been getting from near the beginning of our relationship. We are very different people. I like doing things and having plans for things, especially big events. I like preparing gifts or food or events for birthdays and holidays. My husband is the opposite. He doesn’t care about holidays, let alone having a plan for one. He likes doing fun things by himself and does not consider asking me to join him or create things to do for us together.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, I realized he had no plans for us for Christmas holiday or even a gift. He hardly even mentioned Christmas. I got him a small gift because I wasn’t sure if we were doing gift exchanges. But it became all too apparent that even if I expressed to him that I’d like to celebrate holidays together, this meant I would have to plan and surprise him. He didn’t even think about gifts until I told him I would like to receive one too once in awhile. And none of this stems from trauma related to holidays btw. He was the only child and had parents give and do everything for him. I think he is used to this..

 

Fast forward a few years and I’ve had enough. From anniversaries to birthdays to even what to eat for dinner, he almost never had input. If I didn’t bring up the idea of gift lists, forget having a gift for my birthday. He even forgot my birthday once because he was busy playing games. And if I don’t make dinner or request we eat out, we aren’t eating. Unless I take initiative, NOTHING happens. I once read similar articles and forums that said maybe I am too controlling and to relinquish control and just leave things up to him. That resulted in every day being the same and him being more than happy about it. No holidays no plans no food. Well, the food part he eventually started making ramen noodles all the time and that’s when I had to draw the line.

 

We eventually had a discussion and I told him that I don’t feel cared for and that I wished he could have more input so I could feel less stressed. He told me that he does not feel stressed about it and that he doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal. I told him that I can just live the way he is comfortable with when it is making me so uncomfortable, esp when he makes no effort to accommodate me. I told him even flowers or chocolate on a whim would be nice and he told me those things are a waste of money. I was shocked. I asked him why he couldn’t do that for me if it would make me happy, and he told me it’d make him unhappy.

 

So for the majority of our relationship I’ve just let him have his way but pointed out when I felt he wasn’t thinking about me in the things he did. He would apologize, but after a few weeks he’s back to thinking of always him first and not of us or me. I am honestly growing frustrated at advice of people telling me that I can only change myself and not him. Haven’t I been changing myself to accommodate to him? When does he need to start putting in effort to accommodate me? Am I asking for too much?

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