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My mom will be pissed if I meet my dad's new girlfriend


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Hey,

 

long story short. My parents have always been good to me. Three years ago her met this new woman, and cheated on my mom with her. My parents divorced, my mom found new partner (whom I have met a long time ago) and my father stayed with that woman. Since then my parents profoundly hate each other. I have never met my father's new partner and he is very annoyed with it, saying that I reject his new life, treat him differently, etc.

 

The truth is, I don't really care about my parents relationship anymore, I just want to be on good terms with everyone and live a normal life. I'd meet her, but my mother would get very very insulted and mad at me for it (she was pissed at my father's relatives for meeting her).

 

Otherwise I live with my mom (moving in a couple of days actually) and since she's been on vacation for two weeks now, I spent quite some time with my father. As usual, he was nice to me and for some reason I promised him that I'll come to visit him and his new partner (which is supposed to happen tomorrow).

 

Right now I'm stressing out a lot, thinking that f I go there, my mom will get pissed, if I don't I disappoint my father. This is not even the only similar situation. Whatever I do pisses one of them off and pleases the other, I just can't get a rest.

 

What should I do? Should I cancel? Should I go there? I feel so much pressure, I just want to disappear.

 

Thank you.

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I'm very sorry to hear this. What you're describing is almost a carbon copy of my mother's life and what she had to deal with after my grandfather left my grandmother to raise five kids alone. Towards the end of my grandfather's life I accompanied my mum because she was still broken and unsure how to approach her own father as he was dying. I urged her to do it and followed her in all her visits for support. She was so thankful for this because she eventually found peace towards the end of her own life.

 

Since you made plans with your father, I think you should go. Don't let the hatred and regret of the past affect you the rest of your life.

 

At some point in the near future I think you should have a very clear and candid conversation with your mother that you are determined to have a healthy relationship with your dad and be a part of his life. There's a lot of hesitancy, fear, sadness, betrayal and pain here.

 

Make up your mind what you want and then do it but be honest about your intentions and be honest with both of your parents. If they couldn't be the mature ones, you be that person. It's not for them. It's for yourself.

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Meet your father's partner and stay out of their hatred for each other. If you can, don't tell or discuss it with your mother. If one brings up the other, simply change the subject and leave the room.

 

Don't play games like "if you can't see your dad's partner, she can't see hers". COMPLETELY stay out of it. If she finds out simply say "So"? and leave the room . Stand up to her.

I just want to be on good terms with everyone and live a normal life.

I live with my mom

I promised him that I'll come to visit him and his new partner

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Hey,

 

long story short. My parents have always been good to me. Three years ago her met this new woman, and cheated on my mom with her. My parents divorced, my mom found new partner (whom I have met a long time ago) and my father stayed with that woman. Since then my parents profoundly hate each other. I have never met my father's new partner and he is very annoyed with it, saying that I reject his new life, treat him differently, etc.

 

The truth is, I don't really care about my parents relationship anymore, I just want to be on good terms with everyone and live a normal life. I'd meet her, but my mother would get very very insulted and mad at me for it (she was pissed at my father's relatives for meeting her).

 

Otherwise I live with my mom (moving in a couple of days actually) and since she's been on vacation for two weeks now, I spent quite some time with my father. As usual, he was nice to me and for some reason I promised him that I'll come to visit him and his new partner (which is supposed to happen tomorrow).

 

Right now I'm stressing out a lot, thinking that f I go there, my mom will get pissed, if I don't I disappoint my father. This is not even the only similar situation. Whatever I do pisses one of them off and pleases the other, I just can't get a rest.

 

What should I do? Should I cancel? Should I go there? I feel so much pressure, I just want to disappear.

 

Thank you.

 

Your mother is acting like a child. You need to decide if you want to be a grown up or let your mother dictate your life and your relationships. If she never wants to talk to your Dad again and hate him forever and be bitter for rest of her life, that's her choice. But it's unreasonable to expect you to do the same. He's your father. And if it's been 3 years and he has stayed with this woman, he clearly loves her and you should meet her. I'm not even sure why your mom is still upset if she has another partner now, too. Meet your Dad's girlfriend. She's going to be in his life now. So if you want to have a relationship with your father, you will have to meet her. If your mom gets mad, who cares? She frankly needs to grow up. Just because she hates your Dad doesn't mean that everyone has to. It's extremely childish of her to be pissed at your Dad's relatives for meeting his new girlfriend. If they broke up, she doesn't get a say in his life anymore. Besides, I'm sure she hasn't kept her own boyfriend locked up- after all, YOU have met him!

 

Stop worrying about them being mad. You can't control their emotions or how they feel about each other. Make boundaries with them both. Tell them both independently that they are your other parent and you are going to have a relationship with them. Tell them you will not talk about the other in their presence or tolerate bashing of the other in your presence. That's all you can do. Then the rest is up to them.

 

Be an adult. Do what you want to do. Period. If they get mad, they get mad. That's for them to deal with.

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Go meet this woman. If your mother finds out, say - so what? Let her get pissed off, she can either accept it and get over it, or act like a whiny kid. I think you will feel relief once you have met the woman and it's all out in the open. Then your mother cant hold this over your head.

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So sorry about this. Stories like this make me very sad, as I just can't comprehend the headspace of adults whose self-absorption is so consuming that they would put their own child in the crosshairs of their mutual hate for years. This is what children do, toxic power plays on recess playgrounds. Adults are supposed to teach them a better way to be, not reinforce the most spiritually corrosive of coping mechanisms.

 

I would meet your father's partner, assuming you're curious to know the person your father loves and is building a life with, to say nothing of knowing your father on your own terms. Sounds healthy, to me, a way of moving away from the drama of the past and into the present, as it actually exists, and further inhabiting the person you want to be, in your one and only skin, living your one and only life.

 

No guilt, no shame. Like Rose, I agree a conversation is in order with your mother, one in which you let her know that she is free to choose to hate your father, if that hate continues to serve her, but you are choosing a different life for yourself. You love him, accept him, forgive him, and want a relationship with him that is yours, not an extension of hers. Perhaps a similar conversation is in order with your father. How your parents react to all that is on them, a reflection of their strengths and weaknesses as humans, not on you and your humanity. Once those boundaries are established, it's on you to hold them and respect them.

 

Please don't let the immaturity of your parents stunt your own maturity. You have a life to live. You get to choose how you want to relate to people, and that choice can be a rejection of how your parents relate to each other, and to you. Hard, when that's how the chips fall, but sometimes it's how it goes. We don't get to choose our parents, but as adults we do get to choose how we deal with them, just like we get to choose how we deal with being ourselves.

 

Keeping the peace among others, even those closest to us, is a worthless pursuit if it produces a war in ourselves. Don't forget that.

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Right now I'm stressing out a lot, thinking that f I go there, my mom will get pissed, if I don't I disappoint my father. This is not even the only similar situation. Whatever I do pisses one of them off and pleases the other, I just can't get a rest.

 

And then what would happen?

 

Would she cut you off? Not let you move in? What specific consequences do you fear?

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Frankly, your Mom is wrong to impose her feelings and anger towards her relationship with her ex husband, onto you and your relationship with your father.

 

She chose this man to have a child with. Nothing can change that. She's the mother and he's the father. Facts. Nothing you do or anything they do changes that.

 

She has no right to impose anything on you to limit your interactions. He is not harming you and you are not a child that needs protecting.

 

Draw a line in the sand.. "I love you, Mom. I love Dad, too." You can agree not to tell her about your Dad in any aspect. That is as far as it goes.

 

This hurt and pain belongs to her to deal with, not you.

 

Unfortunately, you have to come to terms with the guilt & other feelings she is putting on you. It's not easy. As much as I love my parents and I don't see them as infallible, a lot of the times I bite my tongue. Out of respect for them and all they have done for me. But I have to live my life for me. That includes my relationships.

 

I would set that boundary and if she's mad... as my grandma would say- she got mad, she'll get glad. In other words leave it to her to accept and move forward. Once you stand up for the fact that you want and deserve a relationship with both parents,it will become less of an issue.

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How old are you? If you're moving out, obviously you are an adult? Your Mum is being immature and spiteful. She has no right to tell you that you can't meet this woman. She's manipulating you and using you to get back at your father. Which is wrong. She can't just use you and control you like a pawn. Just do what you want. If she gets upset, tell her she's being petty and you have a right to a relationship with your Dad. And that womam is his partner and therefore an important part of his life now. And obviously their marriage was not going well and your Dad fell in love with someone else. Because his new girlfriend wasn't just sex, it became a real relationship that's going for a few years now. Your Mum needs to accept that their marriage fell apart and move on. She can't keep holding these toxic feelings forever.

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I would like to know the consequences first. Would your mother kick you out (or evict you) should you meet your father and his girlfriend or will "just" an argument ensue with her? If you can afford to move out and be financially independent AND you truly want to see your father and his girlfriend, then always know there is a sacrifice which will be your already rocky relationship with your mother. Either way it will cost you.

 

If your mother won't kick you to the streets and you'll just end up with a big explosive argument with her, then be prepared for this outcome. See your father and his girlfriend, end up fighting with your mother at the home front, wait for the dust to settle afterwards and predict a household filled with tension and animosity.

 

As she knows that you, your father and his girlfriend are getting together periodically, remain mindful and respectful. She doesn't want to hear of your visits unless she asks, of course.

 

Either way, you're toast. I'm sorry.

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I'm going against the grain here. Since he met this woman out of cheating and since he disrespected your mother and so did she, I don't feel you have to meet her.

 

It's not a normal meeting. It's not like your dad just met someone new and your mom doesn't want you to meet her. This woman caused your family to break up and caused massive hurt and pain to your mother.

That should matter to you.

If someone hurt someone I loved (especially my mother), no way am I going to be looking forward to meeting them.

 

Your dad did wrong. If he wanted the relationship to be on the up and up, he should have divorced first then dated this woman. But the way they both went about it was completely destructive, to many people.

 

He needs to deal with the consequences.

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I'm going against the grain here. Since he met this woman out of cheating and since he disrespected your mother and so did she, I don't feel you have to meet her.

 

It's not a normal meeting. It's not like your dad just met someone new and your mom doesn't want you to meet her. This woman caused your family to break up and caused massive hurt and pain to your mother.

That should matter to you.

If someone hurt someone I loved (especially my mother), no way am I going to be looking forward to meeting them.

 

Your dad did wrong. If he wanted the relationship to be on the up and up, he should have divorced first then dated this woman. But the way they both went about it was completely destructive, to many people.

 

He needs to deal with the consequences.

 

Yes and the consequence is his ex-wife loathes him (as she should). But this is his actual daughter and the mother is trying to control the daughter. She can hate him and that woman all she wants but she shouldn't dictate what her daughter can and can't do. Especially as obviously the daughter is actually an adult. She said she'll be moving out so she's obviously not under age?

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Your parents' wishes aside, how do you feel about all this?

Do you want to meet this lady? How do you feel about her, if anything at all?

 

I see all this a bit differently than the responses so far. It sounds like both your parents are pressuring you to meet certain expectations they have. Your mom, that you won't want anything to do with this woman. Your dad, that you will accept her and be part of what he has with her now.

But you don't have to do anything, except be true to you.

 

I want to say too, do you have any expectations about if/when you meet her? Are you prepared for things going down in any manner of ways?

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Sorry Tiny, but I don't agree. I would never try to befriend someone who hurt my mother to that degree.

 

I personally wouldn't be interested in knowing this woman. She would be my fathers friend, but it doesn't mean she has to be mine.

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I will say my dad cheated with my aunt ( my mom’s brother’s wife, the woman who I knew as my aunt my whole life until I was an adult) . I never never never never never accepted the relationship ,not from pressure from my mother though but on my own. I never forgave my aunt in her lifetime ( she is passed on now. And I regretted that after her death)

 

I will say decide on your own how you feel not bending to pressure from either parent.

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Sherry I think there is a difference between OP being friends with this woman and just meeting her and being friendly to her. The thing is that this is her father's partner, he's been with her for a few years already. If OP joins her father on Father's Day or at Christmas for example, the partner might be there. There is no way of avoiding her really so why not just meet her and get to know her at least? How does it really help to keep avoiding it or to be rude to her?

 

This is OP's father and she has obviously forgiven him and she wants a relationship with him. End of the day OP actually has to have opportunity to make her own decisions and not just be told what to do by her mother. The mother doesn't have to have anything to do with her ex-husband or the new partner, but the daughter still wants a relationship with her Dad. Let's say he ends up being with this woman for ten years and even marries her. What is OP meant to do, just blatantly ignore her?

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Again, I completely respect your opinion, Tiny, but I disagree. I do not friend homewreckers. I don't care who is trying to pressure me to do so, if that woman wrecked my family, I would not bend for my parent to make them feel better.

 

If I wanted to see my dad, I would meet him elsewhere but I would not get involved with someone who destroyed my family. Besides the fact that my mom would have been hurt enough without having more of it due to her daughter sitting with this homewrecker.

 

I'm sorry, I don't bend my standards for no one. I would never be okay with someone who did this to my family. Yeah, the father made his choice, but then he should respect the consequences that come out of it and one of them being that the daughter does not have to friend this person, nor should she be pressured to.

 

Op can obviously make her own decisions, but my advice is to stay away from people who damage other people.

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Your father is the bad guy here, not his GF. But your mom attacks her because she was the outsider, just the way things go. You have to put your foot down with your mother. You are an adult, you have every right to have a relationship with your father. Whatever happened between your parents is between them, not you. You can tell your mom, you refuse to pick sides. Yes it was terrible what happened, but there is no use in carrying on with this hate. Time to move the f on. You can tell her you are not dismissing her feelings about what happened, but it's not fair to you, that it dictates how you wish to live your life.....and that is having a civil relaitonship with your father. It has to be your choice, not hers.

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But what is the crappiest here and it's hard to deny, is that you are now in the position that you will have to choose who you hurt. It's not a fair position for you to be in.

 

The choice is to stay away from the gf and your dad will not be happy, or meet the gf and your mom will be hurt.

 

I'm sorry you have to make this choice.

 

My advice remains the same. Tell your dad you will still meet with him but not the gf. Your mom has had enough hurt already and if your dad wanted things to be nice, he shouldn't have cheated.

 

I wish you the best of luck, OP. I am sorry you're forced into this position.

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Yes, IAG. That's the bottom line.

 

"Do you want to meet this lady? How do you feel about her, if anything at all?

"

 

OP, if you don't wish to meet her (out of personal choice not to do so) then don't. Keep it simple, always.

 

And remember, you can't please all of the people all of the time.

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What, exactly do you WANT to do?

 

If you don't want to meet the woman, then tell Dad why, and don't meet her.

 

If you do want to meet the woman, do so, and let the chips fall. Don't volunteer the information. If Mom finds out on her own and gives you a hard time about it, you can be kind even while you uphold your position.

 

Nobody has a right to impose their wishes on you. Kindly raise that as your go-to position, and whoever doesn't like it is an adult and capable of reconciling that for themselves.

 

Head high, and do what YOU want to do.

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