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Married to a man but can’t stop thinking about women


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I’m a bisexual female. I’ve always been more into women than men, but I am also a Christian and know based on the religion that it’s wrong. So I stopped acting on my feelings for women and decided to date men. I fell in love with a man and we are married and have a child together. The thing is...I have never enjoyed making out with my husband and the sex I have with him has never been as enjoyable as with a woman. I’ve spoken to him about my wants and desires in the bedroom but he does not change. I’ve asked him if it would be ok if I could have an opportunity to fool around with women. He could even watch. He turned that down. Idk what to do. I am going crazy and want to sleep with a woman to satisfy these urges. I have been thinking of cheating but don’t want to. It’s wrong because of my religion and because my husband disapproves. But that leaves me feeling sexually miserable. What should I do?

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Are you happily married? Unfortunately with your religious restrictions, threesomes, cheating and open marriage don't seem like options for you.

 

Eventually your options could be divorce and leave your church .

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I’ve spoken to him about my wants and desires in the bedroom but he does not change. I’ve asked him if it would be ok if I could have an opportunity to fool around with women. He could even watch. He turned that down

 

To be fair, he didn't sign up for an open marriage. Despite common assumption, not all men are eager to see their women having sex with other women.

 

It sounds like you have desires he can't possibly fulfill simply because he is not a woman. I am not sure what sort of things you have asked him to do that he isn't doing but I have a feeling it wouldn't be enough to quell the desire within you.

 

You have a choice to make. If you genuinely want to be with women, you are probably going to need to end your marriage.

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We have little arguments here and there and he’s got a bit of a temper problem that he’s been working on, but for the most part I’m happily married. I do love him. I’m very physically attracted to him. I don’t like to make out with him, but that’s not his fault. I’ve never liked making out with men. Just women. The only thing I’m unsatisfied with is our sex life really. I feel like if that were taken care of maybe I wouldn’t have desires to have sex with women. I don’t want a relationship with a woman, as the Bible forbids it. But I can’t stop thinking about women in sexual ways. If I could get him to be more open in the bedroom that might help stop these thoughts.

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But I do love him though. I devoted my life to him and it just seems silly to break our vows so I could have great sex. I only want to be with women in sexual ways. I couldn’t be in a relationship with one. I feel if I was finally satisfied in the bedroom maybe I would stop thinking of women. But whenever I tell him what I want, he says he’s uncomfortable with it. He can’t bring himself to be rough/dominant in the bedroom. And because of that he has never made me orgasm.

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It sounds like your sex life is awful and you are mistaking that for being with women as a solution. It's two separate things. You are bisexual is one. But the other is that you are not turned on by your husband.

 

Why have you not gone to a doctor yourself or marriage counselling? Your marriage seems far from blissful and that you resent having sex with him because he is a bad lover or you are seething with resentment about other things.

 

Start by going to a doctor to get screened for depression, hormonal issues, etc. tell your doctor about his anger and your feelings. If all is ok get to marriage counselling ( Not pastors, real licensed, qualified psychologists)

 

Overall you seem more confused and unhappy than you are will to admit and are pretending that a threesome will fix things. Nothing could be further from the truth, with or without your church.

 

If he's verbally abusive or angry, you need to get away from him and your church (if they are into telling you to "understand and forgive" his anger).

he’s got a bit of a temper problem

 

The only thing I’m unsatisfied with is our sex life really. I feel like if that were taken care of maybe I wouldn’t have desires to have sex with women

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The thing about even the most open, attentive, and adventurous of men in the bedroom? They lack the ability to become a woman.

 

I can't help but feel that you are in a deeper bind than you're even acknowledging here, which is that your religious beliefs and values are at odds with your biological values. Human beings don't thrive when we suppress truths, be those internal or external truths. For your romantic relationship to be a functional and harmonious one, then, you have to accept what is undeniably true: that your partnership it is about celebrating a human ideal alongside another human, not having your actual human needs satisfied with, by, and alongside another.

 

You describe yourself as bisexual, but also say you have "never" liked making out with men, your husband included. Can't help but ask: Do you have any experience with any men that you would describe as sexually satisfying?

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But I do love him though. I devoted my life to him and it just seems silly to break our vows so I could have great sex. I only want to be with women in sexual ways. I couldn’t be in a relationship with one. I feel if I was finally satisfied in the bedroom maybe I would stop thinking of women. But whenever I tell him what I want, he says he’s uncomfortable with it. He can’t bring himself to be rough/dominant in the bedroom. And because of that he has never made me orgasm.
I find it interesting that "forbidden same sex" is a sin that you could not live with and therefore married a man.

 

However, breaking the commandment, "Thou shall not commit adultery" has not been mentioned at all.

 

What are your views on this?

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I think you need to make up your mind about what you want and what's more important to you. I've been with men and women sexually. I'm not not very phased by the differences and neither is better than the other. I don't have a particular preference and sometimes neither men nor women are interesting at all sexually because there's no emotional or intellectual connection. I'm Catholic and I have been married. All those parts of yourself that are warring within you, I have some idea of what you're going through. The worst thing you can do for yourself is be the helpless damsel in distress looking for attention in places that are beneath you or going against any morals or values you have or are inherent to you as a person, possibly regardless of any external belief system.

 

Decide what you want and the kind of person you want to be and be that person. If it's your marriage, stay committed to your marriage. If it's your religion, stay with your religion. If you want to have sex with whomever you please or have a lot of it, you'll have to figure out what has to give in return for living a different life or lifestyle.

 

You appear lost to me and that is fine too. We all go through periods of questioning. Be careful of what you wish for and how you spend your thoughts or how you prioritize different wants and needs, they will make up who you are and your life is a series of decisions you make. I don't think swinging to extremes is a good idea either. Stay somewhere in the middle if that's where you belong and focus and appreciate the things and people in your life you do have - unless you want to make some changes.

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If you are bisexual, why wouldn't you enjoy sex with men as much as women?

I’m a bisexual female.

 

I have never enjoyed making out with my husband and the sex I have with him has never been as enjoyable as with a woman.

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Sorry if this comment is out of line, but why are you following a religion that basically tells you that you're not allowed to be yourself and not allowed to have your real sexuality? That tells you it's wrong to be you? It's actually not wrong to be gay or bisexual, it's just a sexuality like being straight. The Bible also says that God made us in His image and loves all people. If it's wrong then why did God make people who are not straight? No offence but the whole "being gay is a sin" doesn't even make any sense from that perspective, it's contradictory.

 

You're basically living a lie because you're more into women and you want to be with women, but you married a guy to fit in with what religion tells you to do. That's not fair to your husband. How do you think it made him feel when you're saying you wanted to have sex with other people? Not good obviously, because he didn't want you to do it.

 

Also you said you don't even enjoy making out with your husband. That is a big issue right there! That's really unfair to him that his own wife doesn't even like kissing him! And he's never made you orgasm, also not good.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you because if your husband doesn't want you to have sex with a woman, that's it, there's no chance. Your only option would be to divorce or cheat. If you're faithful to your religion then obviously adultery is a sin. And if you're going to cheat, that's already a sin, so why not just throw in the towel and be openly bisexual?

 

I'm bisexual too and it just really angers me when religious people say "Being gay is a sin blah blah blah". Being gay is not anything, it's just the person liking people of the same gender. It's not anyone's business and not hurting anybody.

 

If you're going to follow this religion then this is the life you've chosen for yourself and you have to stick to it. You don't get to just fool around because you like both genders and your religion doesn't let you date a woman or whatever.

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There are Christian groups that embrace the LGBQ community. You can have the best of both worlds. The biggest sin here is that you are living a lie, and your husband is being used as a cloak to cover up your truth. That is so unfair to him and his family. Have some empathy, and drop this selfishness. Stop playing this charade. Your husband...as a person deserves better than this...he deserves the truth.

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There are Christian groups that embrace the LGBQ community. You can have the best of both worlds. The biggest sin here is that you are living a lie, and your husband is being used as a cloak to cover up your truth. That is so unfair to him and his family. Have some empathy, and drop this selfishness. Stop playing this charade. Your husband...as a person deserves better than this...he deserves the truth.

 

Absolutely. What you are doing and what you have done is totally selfish. You used him. That's not okay. If you felt the needs to touch other woman at all, you should have stayed single.

But what you have decided to do is to use this man to fool people, fool yourself and create a false life so you could have some kind of "normalcy". Meanwhile you're lusting after females and this poor man is having no kind of satisfying sex life at all.

 

Why did you do it? If you're this confused, why not stay single and not upset people like this? You didn't have to be married. You could have left well enough alone and remained single.

The selfishness is overwhelming.

 

Divorce this man, allow him to meet someone who actually wants him and only him. That's the right thing to do after all of this mess.

As for what you do concerning other women or your church, that is another choice you'll have to make.

But first and foremost, let your husband go.

He doesn't deserve to be treated this way or have to be forced to live with a wife who is lusting after other people.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Sorry if this comment is out of line, but why are you following a religion that basically tells you that you're not allowed to be yourself and not allowed to have your real sexuality? That tells you it's wrong to be you? It's actually not wrong to be gay or bisexual, it's just a sexuality like being straight. The Bible also says that God made us in His image and loves all people. If it's wrong then why did God make people who are not straight? No offence but the whole "being gay is a sin" doesn't even make any sense from that perspective, it's contradictory.

 

I was raised to believe God loves everyone. Jesus reached out to the outcasts, lepers, those who were not the highest of society. So why wouldn't God want us to be fully happy with ourselves and love who we want to love? I've seen plenty of gay/lesbian couples work out great and plenty of heterosexual couples be disasters. If you are happy together and fulfilled, that should be all that matters.

 

We all deserve to be happy in our relationship. We need to be honest with ourselves and what we want in a relationship. If we are not fulfilled, we need to be honest with our partners for their sake as well as ours. The choice is to continue living a lie because of what you think you are suppose to do or face how you really feel. You may love him deeply, but is it really marriage love or is it the love of friends?

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Sorry if this comment is out of line, but why are you following a religion that basically tells you that you're not allowed to be yourself and not allowed to have your real sexuality? That tells you it's wrong to be you? It's actually not wrong to be gay or bisexual, it's just a sexuality like being straight. The Bible also says that God made us in His image and loves all people. If it's wrong then why did God make people who are not straight? No offence but the whole "being gay is a sin" doesn't even make any sense from that perspective, it's contradictory.

 

 

Here is the real crux of the matter -- she fell in love with a man and exchanged vows with him. its not "until I am no longer interested in sex with you". you could change the genders and if her mind strayed to other MEN because she always preferred blonde surfer looking dudes and she fell in love with a guy who was not her usual type and now her head is turning at a surfer dude -- would we say "you do you?" There are a lot of people that may have bisexual leanings but fall in love with their person and that's who they want to be with. I really think in this case, wanting women is an abstract concept = its not a particular woman or anything. i would work on issues in the relationship, personally. The idea of sleeping with a woman is only a smokescreen. Find out what made you click together in the first place.

 

If she decides to leave her husband and come out as a lesbian - well she can do that too but it doesn't solve the issue, really I bet that is not going to make her happy eiher.

 

There must be something other than a threesome that would reconnect them in their marriage.

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  • 7 months later...

I don’t know Rachel, it might have been said already but from what you are saying you married a man because your religion prohibits a relationship with a woman (and yes you do say you also fell in love). 
When you decided to have relationships with men was it your decision or were you trying to please people around you like your family? Religion in some ways can condition people to suppress their true feelings and desires, and it sounds like you belong to a religion where that has happened. Any way to leap to a more tolerant religion? I know it’s easier said than done, especially if it means being considered an outcast to your family.

It’s concerning that you never liked making out with your husband or orgasmed from him. I consider myself bi and had a husband at one point, only could orgasm if I thought about women. But I loved making out with him in the beginning, and he did turn me on and I was sexually excited by him....eventually our love life fizzled and I became sexually attracted to someone else. I questioned was a really bi or a lesbian in denial? What’s going on? It’s not easy to answer unfortunately. I mean do all marriages fizzle out sexually eventually? Or are there some where people are still sexually attracted to each other 20 years later? I have no idea. So this isn’t the best advice lol. What I do know is that what you suppress grows until it occupies your mind nonstop and then you are almost compelled to act. So you need to look for answers to these questions...what does the ideal marriage look like? What does it look like in 20years? How sexually fulfilling is my relationship? What kind of sexual freedom do I want from my partner and vice versa? Do I after what I am experiencing really agree with my religion or is there a religion more in line with my values? Do I really personally find it wrong to be in a loving relationship with a woman? What would my family think or do I risk estrangement? Is this fair to my husband or does he want more from a relationship (although some people are surprisingly nonsexual)? So those are some questions to start with. Sorry you are going through that.

 

 

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