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First love for 10 years


Aleph
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Straight to the point. I fall in love hard, once every 10 years. First time at 19, second at 29, third, one month before my 39th birthday.

These are all girls that I wanted to spend my life with. I can understand why the first two did not work out but the most recent was such a heart break that I am finding it hard to cope.

I'll give you a little background to the whole scenario.

38 years old, I decided that I was not going to look for anyone. Just get on with my life and enjoy myself. In February of this year, I meet a girl. She is 27. I have no interest in her whatsoever. She starts coming onto me. Asking me to sit next to her. Telling my close friend that she feels rejected because I will not kiss her.

I relented. I fell in love. Maybe this was the one. We started to spend a lot of time together. She was my first for a lot of things. Not sex. The small simple every day things that people take for granted.

First time we went shopping at the supermarket. First time Someone stayed over at my place, cooked dinner together, went for walks at odd times, shared songs.

When she told me that she loved me, my heart swelled up. I was almost euphoric.

At the start of April she decided to go to her parents to look after her mum. Due to the current situation.

I would message her everyday and get a reply maybe 3 or 4 days later. Never a phone call. I started to sense that I was losing her.

My guess turned out to be right. She said we had nothing in common, that we don't laugh enough. We should be friends first.

I found myself emotionally compromised. I told her to come pick up her things and leave. I'll admit this was my mistake but I was really hurt. I lost the ability to make rational decisions.

She comes with her dad. Gets her stuff. I don't see her or say anything.

A month later she calls me. She is at her new flat. It's a mess. She doesn't like it. She's crying.

Being me, I tell her not to worry. I pick her up. We collect her belongings the next day. She settles into the spare room.

Then she goes completely cold. She won't talk to me. As soon as I enter any common area she walks out. I buy her flowers and she ignores the gesture.

A week later she brings a guy over to the house. Albeit, she is now single and she has her own space.

I tell her that I still love her and that she can have a few months to find some where else to stay.

Fine, she says. The next day, whilst I am out, her dad and brother come over to the house and take all her belongings.

She then blocks me on all forms of communication. No warning, no reason.

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Sorry about all this.

 

Not sure if you're just looking to vent a bit, or asking for specific advice, but if you're interested in an outsider's perspective I'll offer a few words.

 

While I never want to diminish what someone defines as love, I can't help but feel that it's a pretty lofty word to describe a connection that, if my math is correct, lasted about a month. Too short, really, to have any tangible idea of another person, let alone how two people really get along, though certainly enough time to get pretty high on the infatuation drug, that potent swirl of hopes and hormones. Me? I think of that as the beginning of what might become love...if it continues to expand over months and months, as two people continue to connect. Seems that, for whatever reason, this was a connection that burned hot, fast, and out—for her. Perhaps with a bit of time you can see it in a similar light for yourself?

 

I certainly understand how crushing it can be when something feels like one thing one minute, and another thing the next. Emotional whiplash, and so forth. Can only speak for myself, but the few times in my life when something like that has occurred I've generally found myself realizing that there just wasn't a whole lot there to chew on. If there was? Well, I'd still be snacking, getting full on someone as they got full on me. Have also found that my own head rush of feelings ends up revealing more about my own state of mind than the power of another person, so perhaps some self-reflection is in order here?

 

I know being blocked stings, but it really sounds like it's for the best, given where this had all gone: you pining for someone you didn't really know, who'd already turned you upside down but then lived with you, and was bringing new crushes around. Ooof. That's like a train wreck caused my a ten-car pile up that, with enough momentum, finds its way toward the nuclear silos. So, silver lining? Some mushroom clouds were avoided.

 

In your shoes, right now? I'd try to find a way to think of this differently: a connection that woke something up in you, let you know that some feelings are there, ready to be stirred. Can you celebrate that as real, while mourning this as something that wasn't as real as you thought? If you can strike that note, my sense is that you might not have to wait until 49 for the next Big Bang, but can find something and someone that's more suitable for you, and sustainable, sooner than you know.

Edited by bluecastle
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I’m sorry you’re hurting.

 

It sounds as if you never got full closure with her leaving and blocking so abruptly. You deserve better. Bringing a guy over to your house is very disrespectful.

 

Thanks, I'm glad that someone has an understanding of social etiquette.

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BlueCastle. That has to to be the best advice that I have yet received.

 

A completely different perspective. In many ways you are correct. It did burn bright and intense. And, like you said, it probably burned out for her.

 

This helps me understand things a whole lot better. Never looked at it that way before.

 

She did say that she was a serial monogamist. Looking back at it, I come to realise that she went around collecting experiences without any regard for the other person.

 

I feel so much better already.

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I feel so much better already.

 

Wonderful.

 

At the risk of making some broad generalizations, some of what you're describing—terminology like "serial monogamist," an insta-crush flamed with the help of coy back channel chitchat, the #yolo-like "collecting of experiences," to say nothing of the hopscotching from dude to dude in decidedly dodgy circumstances—is a bit par for the course for 20somethings. Some grow out of it, some grow into it, some skip it completely. Guess I'm saying I can imagine her, when she gets to be your age, looking back at this time in life and going: facepalm emoji. Which is to say maybe she was brought into your life simply to stir some potent stuff in you, while also getting you to adjust your aim with a bit more precision.

 

Grocery shopping with a dash of dewiness is quite lovely, but it's not rocket fuel, you know? More like a firecracker.

 

I sense a buoyant spirit in you, so don't let this drill you down too far. Experience! It's always valuable, even when it comes with some scratches. You've been to a few proverbial rodeos, and can handle this. Think of this as hot sauce without the actual meal: gives you a little taste of something you want—and, perhaps, didn't realize you wanted—but without the substance needed for nourishment.

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Wonderful.

 

At the risk of making some broad generalizations, some of what you're describing—terminology like "serial monogamist," an insta-crush flamed with the help of coy back channel chitchat, the #yolo-like "collecting of experiences," to say nothing of the hopscotching from dude to dude in decidedly dodgy circumstances—is a bit par for the course for 20somethings. Some grow out of it, some grow into it, some skip it completely. Guess I'm saying I can imagine her, when she gets to be your age, looking back at this time in life and going: facepalm emoji. Which is to say maybe she was brought into your life simply to stir some potent stuff in you, while also getting you to adjust your aim with a bit more precision.

 

Grocery shopping with a dash of dewiness is quite lovely, but it's not rocket fuel, you know? More like a firecracker.

 

 

I won't say that she is a bad person. Like you say she is a 20 something but she came across as pretty mature and grounded. A friend of mine said that people like her never settle down and always blame the other person.

 

I Will be a lot more cautious in the future. Not going to fall in love alà Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

 

I was halfway through the recovery process. I told myself that it's not my fault. She came onto me and left just as abruptly. The advice you have given me has helped show her in a different light.

 

She was an experience. Nothing else.

 

Grocery shopping with dewiness. I know it sounds soppy. What can I say. I'm a romantic. Small things mean a lot to me.

 

Just glad it was spring. Not winter walks on the beach or building snow men. Good lord.

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Glad to have helped a bit.

 

I wasn't implying that she's a bad person. Just a person, like all of us, albeit one who certainly seems to be skidding on the ice a bit at this juncture in her life. And those people? Well, if you've ever gone iceskating you know what happens: they get people right in the shins and take them down. I've been such a person, here and there, at junctures. Have been in shoes similar to yours at others.

 

Keep the romantic stuff, but, moving forward, stir in a tablespoon caution.

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Well to be honest she doesn't sound like a nice person at all! That's so selfish and inconsiderate that she was staying with you and it was clear that you still had feelings for her, because you were being so caring towards her and getting her flowers and everything. And she brought another guy over to YOUR place! Even though you were being lovely to her and letting her stay there. It doesn't matter if she decided to break up, that was so inconsiderate and crazy what she did!

 

She sounds like someone that actually uses people. She didn't want anything to do with you at first, but when things didn't go well at her new flat, then she called you crying. Because SHE needed help and a shoulder to cry on, and somewhere to stay. These are actually not actions of a truly nice, caring person. She actually also sounds immature. The age gap probably wasn’t really a problem except she doesn't actually have the maturity of a 27-year-old!

 

Also I'm just curious why you've only been with anyone every ten years apart? And it doesn't sound like even the previous relationships were that serious because you said with this girl it was a first time for a lot of everyday little things, like supermarket shopping together. Please don't think I'm making you feel bad or something that you haven't been in many relationships. That actually isn't my intention at all. It just sounds to me like you actually do want to find love and to be in a serious relationship, but for some reason you think you don't deserve it and you don't even try?

 

I think if you put yourself out there and you have a very open mind about falling in love, you can definitely find people more often than only every ten years. And even if you don't fall in love, at least you can have a lot of dating and relationship experiences. It sounds like you got attached and fell for this girl too soon and maybe thought too much of it too quickly. That may be because you don't date much and you really project on someone when you actually do find anyone. I know that sounds harsh but for your own self preservation I think you need to be more realistic when you first start dating someone. It's easy to start getting carried away when you like someone I know. But obviously this relationship wasn't actually that solid because of how this girl acted towards you in the end. It looked like she didn't even really care about you at all. Be careful about falling really fast and thinking someone is "the one" and all that.

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Seems a bit ironic: You not dating much and her self-described serial monogamy? I'm sorry it didn't work out. Take a time out - you're in pain and the ego may be stung a little from rejection. That's very normal.

 

Every experience teaches us something new about ourselves.

 

I'm sorry to say this but what I see in her is a young lady who's trying to make sense of her world and failing (at this time, this very moment and chapter in her life) to come to some sort of safe conclusion about what that world is about. She's lost her stability in terms of a home and a resting place and her reality has shifted, possibly too many times due to the constant shifting in her personal life. In other words, she needs time to grow and find her footing again. This happens! A very natural state and ebb and flow, transition phase. It's just not the right time and hopefully she realizes this before inviting another person into her life. Take your time getting to know someone. It's ok to fall in love and feel duped. The natural thing is to feel a bit stung and silly and sometimes very hurt. Brush yourself off and keep moving.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. Be more cautious about who you let into your life and remember: All that glitters is not gold.

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The major mistake was not breaking up the first time, it was making a major decision like letting her move in before knowing her a minimum of a year. It took you far sooner to see all the negative stuff, but sometimes it can take longer, so always have a wait-and-see attitude while enjoying someone's company and a time-will-tell mindset.

 

It usually takes dating a boatload of people to find the treasure while sifting through all that sand. If you keep up with your one woman per ten year period, the odds are stacked against finding a lifetime companion.

 

Time to be proactive in that area. When social distancing is no longer a thing, join Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Take dance lessons or cooking lessons or painting lessons--anything to get yourself out and amongst groups of people where you might find a dating prospect.

 

If you're coming from a place of fear or lack self esteem, work on that before dating, because if you don't, you'll attract and be attracted to people who shouldn't be in your life. Have your rules for things such as age gaps, because the larger the gap, the higher risk of failure. There's a book I like called The Key by Rhonda Byrne. It helped me achieve a more positive mindset when making goals for myself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Well to be honest she doesn't sound like a nice person at all! That's so selfish and inconsiderate that she was staying with you and it was clear that you still had feelings for her, because you were being so caring towards her and getting her flowers and everything. And she brought another guy over to YOUR place! Even though you were being lovely to her and letting her stay there. It doesn't matter if she decided to break up, that was so inconsiderate and crazy what she did!

 

She sounds like someone that actually uses people. She didn't want anything to do with you at first, but when things didn't go well at her new flat, then she called you crying. Because SHE needed help and a shoulder to cry on, and somewhere to stay. These are actually not actions of a truly nice, caring person. She actually also sounds immature. The age gap probably wasn’t really a problem except she doesn't actually have the maturity of a 27-year-old!

 

Also I'm just curious why you've only been with anyone every ten years apart? And it doesn't sound like even the previous relationships were that serious because you said with this girl it was a first time for a lot of everyday little things, like supermarket shopping together. Please don't think I'm making you feel bad or something that you haven't been in many relationships. That actually isn't my intention at all. It just sounds to me like you actually do want to find love and to be in a serious relationship, but for some reason you think you don't deserve it and you don't even try?

 

I think if you put yourself out there and you have a very open mind about falling in love, you can definitely find people more often than only every ten years. And even if you don't fall in love, at least you can have a lot of dating and relationship experiences. It sounds like you got attached and fell for this girl too soon and maybe thought too much of it too quickly. That may be because you don't date much and you really project on someone when you actually do find anyone. I know that sounds harsh but for your own self preservation I think you need to be more realistic when you first start dating someone. It's easy to start getting carried away when you like someone I know. But obviously this relationship wasn't actually that solid because of how this girl acted towards you in the end. It looked like she didn't even really care about you at all. Be careful about falling really fast and thinking someone is "the one" and all that.

 

I kind of figured out that she was using me but I chose not to believe it. The more truths that I hear the less I care and think about her.

 

Since getting advice from this forum I have thought about her in a negative context. It helps in purging her memories.

 

You are right about not falling fast. I am going to be a lot more cautious and grounded before I commit to anyone in the future.

 

She kept in touch with a lot of her ex's. That's why it hurt when she blocked me. In hindsight, I think it was because she knew what she had done and that I would bring it up in the future.

 

Anyway, friends say I dodged a bullet and gained some experience.

 

I date now and again but every 10 years I meet someone I just have a connection with. I call them "Celestials" as though destiny said we were meant to meet.

 

I have seen a great many troubles in my life. I have experienced very few. This being one of them.

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FWIW, I find "the one" to be elusive.

 

At one point in my life, I used to subscribe to the idea that their is someone made for each of us.

With a number of decades behind me, I now think there are several of "the ones". To meet them it's all about the right place at the right time, chance and circumstances, etc.

The movie "Hitch" comes to mind for this mindset.

 

There are over 7 billion people on the planet, and if I were single I would find great comfort knowing that there are probably over a half a million women that would be a great match for me.

 

So you have this 19, 29, 39 streak going on, know that the next woman you meet this year could be one of "the ones" or maybe next year. It might not be at 49!

 

Just keep your head up, stay positive find the funny in this life.

 

Good luck to you.

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You're kind and trusting, maybe a little bit too much in this case. I know, I've been there and done the same thing. When someone displays character traits that are less than respectful, take heed. They are people who won't add to your life, but will detract from it. It's a lesson learned going forward. If you see it coming at you again, you'll know to avoid it.

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“We started to spend a lot of time together. She was my first for a lot of things. Not sex. The small simple every day things that people take for granted.

First time we went shopping at the supermarket. First time Someone stayed over at my place, cooked dinner together, went for walks at odd times, shared songs. ”

 

Sorry but these are not things people take for granted in new relationships. In fact they are things that people get excited about. But that’s why it’s called the honeymoon phase.

And this sounds like it was your first experience of that?

Not your third?

 

Yes they are normal everyday things in established relationships but it seems you have never been in an established relationship? And never before had that loved up honeymoon phase?

 

That’s ok. You have now experienced the high of that and the disappointments that can follow which is what happens after the honeymoon phase when one or other realises incompatibility.

 

Hopefully in the future you will simply realise that’s all it is and one day you will get past the honeymoon phase and be with someone who is compatible.

 

Best of luck!

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