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Gf broke up with me after we got back together. Loss of spark.


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Me and my ex broke up in January. I broke up with her because I was losing feeling for her and was 50-50 about our future. We come from different backgrounds/religions and have some other complicated situations for our future.

 

In February and March I thought I was ready to commit and be to her but I still was not sure. So I crushed her. I was still 50-50

 

I was her first love.

 

We met at the End of April and talked about things and decided that getting back together would be possible. I was in a in different mindset to commit to her. She was still hesitant. We met at the end of May because she had some family health problems(covid) and we talked about it again she accepted to get back together but a little begrudgingly.

 

 

I had to convince her to do it I feel.

We spent a month together me being 150% for her. Showing her this is what I want, proving to her. She saw it too but the spark started to die for her. She didn’t feel the same when I texted her. She wasnt completely buzzed to see me like she once was. We always had a good time together. We went out for dinner, we had a picnic. We were settling a new foundation. I was gaining her trust back which I did.

 

So the month me being 150% she was 50-50 now. We had a role reversal. I feel like the naivety of her love eyes disappeared on the the months we were broken up. She realized to live without me. To be happy without me. She started to question what I questioned before. All this doubt I feel kept the flame or spark lower.

 

We only saw eachother a few times over the month, I thought maybe the second month we would do more outdoor things more new exciting things, like hiking or exploring new places but she gave up. She said she doesn’t want to drag me along feeling not 100%.

 

She forgave me for the pain I put her through because she understands now.

 

I love her so much and I really wish she also wanted to continue a life with me but this year has been a waste for me.

 

A waste for my career and Furthering my life.

I graduated with an engineering degree and I’m stuck at a dead end city job and I put on some weight and I’m not the same as i met her 2 years ago. I’m not at as happy without her. I’m not happy with myself and my life.

 

So I do thank her for letting me go so that I can get back to where I was.

 

I know I need to move on but I do hope if we do run into eachother later on in life and I’m where I should be maybe we can hit things off. Maybe that spark can come back.

 

Relationships are work, if you want it to work they will work. Think about arranged marriages. They last the longest because they work together and love eachother.

 

She’s 22 and I’m 27 so she still has a lot of her life yet and I feel like she might want to be single after this for a bit. Get her life in order and look to her future as well.

 

Idk if I’m being stupid but she is amazing and great supportive partner. She’s beautiful and she’s everything I could want in a woman. This change is for me but I hope that in the end we can rekindle in the end, but I won’t be doing all this for her. I know I need to keep my mind open.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I think it's worth reflecting on this dynamic as a whole, particularly on what seems like a pattern here: you feeling your strongest feelings only after breaking up, you at your most passionate either when you've lost her or are trying to get her back, as opposed to just being with her. Not the strongest glue, all that, since it's generally glue stirred by the ego, not the heart.

 

Time, hard as it is, to be brutally honest with yourself. Per your previous post, and this one, you were not only 50-50 during much of the time with her, but were sprung on another woman for a good stretch. When that failed to take hold, and only then, did you start circling back around and thinking about commitment to your now ex. Granted, I'm just here observing from the sidelines, but that looks a lot more like someone who is frightened to be alone than someone who really wants to be with a specific human being.

 

Your ex, I think, senses this, sensed it. Being "150 percent" in? That's a performance, not genuine. "Proving" yourself is also a performance. Can imagine that, somewhere in her mind, she feared that once your performance was rewarded by her affections you'd settle back into your truer, more authentic self—the guy who was 100 percent into her being into you (those "love eyes"), while your own "into" meter for her flickered and your love eyes wandered. If you can tap into some humility you may come to thank her for seeing something in yourself that you can't quite see.

 

Feel these feelings, process them, forward movement. Relationships take work, sure, but it's neither the work of putting on a play nor the work of hauling bricks up a mountain. The reward is not "having" someone or "getting" someone, or basking in the spot light of "love eyes," but finding someone who you can just be you alongside, while they are themselves alongside you. And when you have that? Well, it's not that hard, the brain isn't shot through with nagging doubts, and it's sincere compatibility that fuels the connection and the feelings, not dramatic peaks and valleys.

 

You've both given it a go. Be proud of that, and learn from it. Whatever the future holds, you can only discover it by letting go of this chapter. As these potent feelings of loss pass, you may come to find that you'd work better alongside someone with whom your more genuinely compatible. Nothing to prove there, nothing to perform, but just a connection to savor.

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I know I need to move on but I do hope if we do run into eachother later on in life and I’m where I should be maybe we can hit things off. Maybe that spark can come back.

 

Relationships are work, if you want it to work they will work. Think about arranged marriages. They last the longest because they work together and love eachother.

 

She’s 22 and I’m 27 so she still has a lot of her life yet and I feel like she might want to be single after this for a bit. Get her life in order and look to her future as well.

 

Idk if I’m being stupid but she is amazing and great supportive partner. She’s beautiful and she’s everything I could want in a woman. This change is for me but I hope that in the end we can rekindle in the end, but I won’t be doing all this for her. I know I need to keep my mind open.

 

Are you asking for advice or journalling? If you are asking for advice, I'd say you already know it by the sentences you wrote above! Take your own advice. Let her continue with her life and focus on getting you back in shape both mentally and physically. If you do get back together in the future great, but you know that often doesn't work out that way. You can learn from this relationship and continue to find love in the next relationship.

Good luck my friend.

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Time to get your life back, without her. Focus on your job search and getting to a healthier place.

 

I don't think this had a chance, due to your involvement with the other girl. You cheated on her. I wouldn't have been able to trust you. That was not cool.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I think it's worth reflecting on this dynamic as a whole, particularly on what seems like a pattern here: you feeling your strongest feelings only after breaking up, you at your most passionate either when you've lost her or are trying to get her back, as opposed to just being with her. Not the strongest glue, all that, since it's generally glue stirred by the ego, not the heart.

 

Time, hard as it is, to be brutally honest with yourself. Per your previous post, and this one, you were not only 50-50 during much of the time with her, but were sprung on another woman for a good stretch. When that failed to take hold, and only then, did you start circling back around and thinking about commitment to your now ex. Granted, I'm just here observing from the sidelines, but that looks a lot more like someone who is frightened to be alone than someone who really wants to be with a specific human being.

 

Your ex, I think, senses this, sensed it. Being "150 percent" in? That's a performance, not genuine. "Proving" yourself is also a performance. Can imagine that, somewhere in her mind, she feared that once your performance was rewarded by her affections you'd settle back into your truer, more authentic self—the guy who was 100 percent into her being into you (those "love eyes"), while your own "into" meter for her flickered and your love eyes wandered. If you can tap into some humility you may come to thank her for seeing something in yourself that you can't quite see.

 

Feel these feelings, process them, forward movement. Relationships take work, sure, but it's neither the work of putting on a play nor the work of hauling bricks up a mountain. The reward is not "having" someone or "getting" someone, or basking in the spot light of "love eyes," but finding someone who you can just be you alongside, while they are themselves alongside you. And when you have that? Well, it's not that hard, the brain isn't shot through with nagging doubts, and it's sincere compatibility that fuels the connection and the feelings, not dramatic peaks and valleys.

 

You've both given it a go. Be proud of that, and learn from it. Whatever the future holds, you can only discover it by letting go of this chapter. As these potent feelings of loss pass, you may come to find that you'd work better alongside someone with whom your more genuinely compatible. Nothing to prove there, nothing to perform, but just a connection to savor.

 

Appreciate the reply. I put 150% because I was super committed to being with her. I know knew I was willing to take those big steps with her that I was unsure of before. I felt like how I was in when we first met. I’m not scared of being alone. Maybe I was too much for her, but she even told me that she saw the change and work I was putting in to help her and show her this is true. I actually had decided my original GF was who I truly loved and wanted to be with. That the complications I was thinking of could be dealt with and prosper in the future. I didn’t just pick her because the things with someone else were not going how I wanted. They could have, I decided against it. I didn’t want to pursue that. My ex was someone I could be myself around and she could be herself around Me. She even said she still is attracted to me and enjoys my company but there’s a spark missing and that Comes from me and I know it.(also possibly some things you said urself) I regret the choices I Made, but I believe she started to think what I was thinking before with life with her that made me 50-50. The other girl is a metaphor for a more simpler life with easier compatibility but it wasn’t until I made that decision that I could live and love the new and different In my life with my ex that I propelled forward. I wanted to grow and be a part of her life in a bigger and better way.

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Time to get your life back, without her. Focus on your job search and getting to a healthier place.

 

I don't think this had a chance, due to your involvement with the other girl. You cheated on her. I wouldn't have been able to trust you. That was not cool.

 

Don’t focus on that. Just this post.

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Don’t focus on that. Just this post.

 

It is highly relevant. It would be the reason for not being able to return to you, as she does not trust you. You cannot forget how your actions are responsible for the break up.

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Sorry to hear this. Why not work on improving your happiness? Get to a doctor and a therapist to work that out.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like there were too many cultural, religious and interpersonal conflicts about goals, values, feelings etc.

 

On/off relationships rarely work out because the original conflicts and issues are still there.

 

Have you considered dating women from your religion/culture, so at last you don't have to deal with that kind of dead-end situation?

 

Is this the same exgf? : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563812&p=7202147&viewfull=1#post7202147

 

I broke up with her because I was losing feeling for her and was 50-50 about our future. We come from different backgrounds/religions and have some other complicated situations for our future. She saw it too but the spark started to die for her.

 

I graduated with an engineering degree and I’m stuck at a dead end city job and I put on some weight and I’m not the same as i met her 2 years ago.

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Sorry to hear this. Why not work on improving your happiness? Get to a doctor and a therapist to work that out.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like there were too many cultural, religious and interpersonal conflicts about goals, values, feelings etc.

 

On/off relationships rarely work out because the original conflicts and issues are still there.

 

Have you considered dating women from your religion/culture, so at last you don't have to deal with that kind of dead-end situation?

 

Is this the same exgf? : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563812&p=7202147&viewfull=1#post7202147

 

That’s exactly what I’m going to do, work on myself. Get myself back to where I want to be. In my brain and heart all those cultural an religious differences which I had alarmed me prior I am now willing to endeavor in and be apart of.

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It is relevant. You went back and forth between her and another ex. She has perfectly good reasons to not have trust in you.

 

I dated a man years ago who cheated on me and lied to me about his involvements with other women. So I left him. He begged me back for FIVE YEARS. I finally agreed to give him another chance. Guess what he did? Cheated on me and lied to me about his involvements with other women. I was wrong to go back as he was not trustworthy.

 

Now, I'm not saying you'd cheat and go back and forth again. But maybe she thinks you would.

 

Dr. Phil says the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior.

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It is relevant. You went back and forth between her and another ex. She has perfectly good reasons to not have trust in you.

 

I dated a man years ago who cheated on me and lied to me about his involvements with other women. So I left him. He begged me back for FIVE YEARS. I finally agreed to give him another chance. Guess what he did? Cheated on me and lied to me about his involvements with other women. I was wrong to go back as he was not trustworthy.

 

Now, I'm not saying you'd cheat and go back and forth again. But maybe she thinks you would.

 

Dr. Phil says the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior.

 

Appreciate the post, she doesn’t know what I did and I would never do what I did again. It was unlike me. She didn’t know about the other person involved just knowing that I was 50-50 and confused, but I’m past that and I showed her I was past being 50-50 with her. I was all in and there’s nothing more that I wanted.

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The other girl is a metaphor for a more simpler life with easier compatibility...

 

Here's the thing, and I think it's something to really think about, not just respond to in a post here or react to out there in the wilds of living your life:

 

People aren't metaphors. Or symbols. Or vessels for growth or atonement. Or answers to your questions, keys to your future. They're just people, just like you, with a built-in human craving to have their personhood seen and cherished. The more you assign them meaning in some story you're writing in your head—a story of a simpler life, a story of a complex life "working" to bridge cultures, a story of 50-50 transforming into 100—the more you risk minimizing them by making them all about you.

 

I'd use this chapter in your life to think about relationships differently, more simply, so the complexities of connection can be enjoyed in favor of the complexities of disconnection and/or self-absorption. As in: if you spend a lot of time with someone, and much of that time is spent questioning them, doubting them? Well, that means they're not for you. Sad, always, for everyone involved. But a thing that happens—more often than not, actually.

 

She, it seems, has come to understand this. She gave it another try, realized she isn't feeling what she wants to feel inside a relationship, alongside another person. Bravo. She is respecting her humanity, and yours, by not turning that straight line into a maze in which everyone gets lost for another stretch. Give yourself some time to cool off, to refocus on all that got blurry, and you might find yourself embracing a similar approach.

 

Tough time, I know. Hang in there and trust that you are, right now, exactly where you're supposed to be.

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Here's the thing, and I think it's something to really think about, not just respond to in a post here or react to out there in the wilds of living your life:

 

People aren't metaphors. Or symbols. Or vessels for growth or atonement. Or answers to your questions, keys to your future. They're just people, just like you, with a built-in human craving to have their personhood seen and cherished. The more you assign them meaning in some story you're writing in your head—a story of a simpler life, a story of a complex life "working" to bridge cultures, a story of 50-50 transforming into 100—the more you risk minimizing them by making them all about you.

 

I'd use this chapter in your life to think about relationships differently, more simply, so the complexities of connection can be enjoyed in favor of the complexities of disconnection and/or self-absorption. As in: if you spend a lot of time with someone, and much of that time is spent questioning them, doubting them? Well, that means they're not for you. Sad, always, for everyone involved. But a thing that happens—more often than not, actually.

 

She, it seems, has come to understand this. She gave it another try, realized she isn't feeling what she wants to feel inside a relationship, alongside another person. Bravo. She is respecting her humanity, and yours, by not turning that straight line into a maze in which everyone gets lost for another stretch. Give yourself some time to cool off, to refocus on all that got blurry, and you might find yourself embracing a similar approach.

 

Tough time, I know. Hang in there and trust that you are, right now, exactly where you're supposed to be.

 

Yeah agreed, I’m sorry for the poor choice of words. I know they are just people just like me. When I broke up with her I stepped away and I thought what would life be like together in a future we would have together. Would I be okay with it? Happy in it?would she feel happy about it? Would everything she want be good enough for her. All the conflicts of interest, but I came to realize that the relationship/future between us was possible. I don’t have any doubts now, but as you said she probably does now. When I was questioning everything, I was a poor partner I didn’t communicate. I didnt tell her what was on my mind and I made mistakes. Then I juggled. I’m glad we got to communicate more before we broke up this time and she forgave me and understands how And why i felt how I felt.

 

 

 

As said prior I’m thankful that we did break up because I need to get myself settled and not keep focusing on relationships. Time will tell, because we were good together and we both have a lot ahead.

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When I broke up with her I stepped away and I thought what would life be like together in a future we would have together. Would I be okay with it? Happy in it?would she feel happy about it? Would everything she want be good enough for her. All the conflicts of interest, but I came to realize that the relationship/future between us was possible. I don’t have any doubts now...

 

Well, this is actually what I mean by storytelling. In the vacuum of your mind, with zero input from her, you came to realize that everything was great, possible, and had no doubts. But whenever you had actual input from her, the story crumbled—first when you were together, then when you got back together. In short, this is a relationship that is strongest and most viable only when it exists as a story in your mind. Reality, from multiple angles, has proven the story false. However long or hard you wish to combat reality with your mind—well, that's kind of up to you.

 

Imagine this: You meet someone, spend time with them, and in spending that time together—in a vacuum of two—you come to feel all the things you felt about her (100 percent in! no doubts!) that you could only truly experience in the vacuum of yourself. It's kind of the opposite: a connection that is "bigger" than the story, rather than one that needs the story to make sense. I know it's hard to let go of this one—the actual connection, along with the story of it—but I really do think that it can be one that shows both of you the kind of ingredients needed for something bigger and bolder.

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I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're in.

 

If you love this person, let her be. You can correct me if I'm wrong but the struggle and pain is coming from realizing you've lost someone who was good to you but you'll have to realize also and take a more proactive approach to those painful thoughts. When you begin to feel helpless or sad or confused, track back and start processing your thoughts more carefully. Our emotions originate from a lot of the way we think. This is very hard to do. I too am coming out of a long term relationship and just getting comfortable being on my own and enjoying myself.

 

Start getting more comfortable with yourself - your career, your body image, your general self-esteem and find peace in the little and big things you set out to do. Be aware of your thoughts.

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What were these differences? Did she expect you to convert to something?

That’s exactly what I’m going to do, work on myself. Get myself back to where I want to be. In my brain and heart all those cultural an religious differences which I had alarmed me prior I am now willing to endeavor in and be apart of.
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Well, this is actually what I mean by storytelling. In the vacuum of your mind, with zero input from her, you came to realize that everything was great, possible, and had no doubts. But whenever you had actual input from her, the story crumbled—first when you were together, then when you got back together. In short, this is a relationship that is strongest and most viable only when it exists as a story in your mind. Reality, from multiple angles, has proven the story false. However long or hard you wish to combat reality with your mind—well, that's kind of up to you.

 

Imagine this: You meet someone, spend time with them, and in spending that time together—in a vacuum of two—you come to feel all the things you felt about her (100 percent in! no doubts!) that you could only truly experience in the vacuum of yourself. It's kind of the opposite: a connection that is "bigger" than the story, rather than one that needs the story to make sense. I know it's hard to let go of this one—the actual connection, along with the story of it—but I really do think that it can be one that shows both of you the kind of ingredients needed for something bigger and bolder.

 

Well we talked about it, it wasn’t just a story. I talked to her about it. Before I came back to her I had to make sure this was something that was possible and that I wanted. That I needed to have answers on my end of really important future discussions that we both thought would work out in the end. It was a lot. It wasn’t an easy decision to just decide. That’s why when I came back I had to be sure. This was something that I wanted because before this was something she wanted, but as I said role reversal I might not be what she wants now that her eyes widened.

 

Tbh, from where I am now, I wouldn’t want to be with me until I’m more in path with my career and life.

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I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're in.

 

If you love this person, let her be. You can correct me if I'm wrong but the struggle and pain is coming from realizing you've lost someone who was good to you but you'll have to realize also and take a more proactive approach to those painful thoughts. When you begin to feel helpless or sad or confused, track back and start processing your thoughts more carefully. Our emotions originate from a lot of the way we think. This is very hard to do. I too am coming out of a long term relationship and just getting comfortable being on my own and enjoying myself.

 

Start getting more comfortable with yourself - your career, your body image, your general self-esteem and find peace in the little and big things you set out to do. Be aware of your thoughts.

 

The pain is coming from loss obviously. But loss of someone I planned to spend the rest of my life with. That I realized this is it. This what I want to do and be with and work with. But I put my life on hold for this. It took too much time out of my life and didn’t help me with my career or my happiness. I’m rdy to start getting better but I also have a light of hope that in the future we in re-kindle.

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It's probably not a good idea to put your life on hold for anyone. A little more balance maybe. Try not to swing to extremes. You're getting back into yourself now but maintain your relationships with friends and family too.

 

Glad to hear you have a plan.

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Relationships are work, if you want it to work they will work. Think about arranged marriages. They last the longest because they work together and love eachother.

She’s 22 and I’m 27 so she still has a lot of her life yet and I feel like she might want to be single after this for a bit. Get her life in order and look to her future as well.

 

Rather off-topic, but it's naive to assume arranged marriage last the longest because they work together and love each other. While that may sometimes of course be true, there is also often strict taboo in such societies against divorce. Don't make the mistake of assuming that because you rarely see arranged marriages come to an end, it means that it's because the couple is happy together and love each other. I can name a handful of folks I know who are miserable in their arranged marriages but they stay because their cultural norms dictate that there really is no other choice if they don't want to be shunned or shamed by their communities.

 

That aside, this girl is young. At 22, she is unlikely to be in any place to choose her life partner yet. Also, if you've bounced around before, she almost definitely would have lost feelings for you along the way. It hurts to feel unwanted and unappreciated in a relationship and eventually, the sheen of that other person fades and they're no longer that appealing. Even if you've learned your lesson, you can see that the damage sometimes can't be undone. It's going to be best to take the lessons learned here, and apply them to your next relationship.

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