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Hey all,

 

I'm back and in need of some guidance.

Earlier this year I was involved in a painful breakup.

I struggled but all is now good and I feel much better.

I've since met someone else, we were sort of friends previously but had never dated etc.

 

We decided to make a go of it and all has been going well. She said how she wanted long term and not interested in a fling. I was totally and still am happy with that.

She has 3 kids and said to me she would only like me to meet then when she knew it would be long term. I met them a few weeks in and she has stated that she is so amazed with how I adapted to dealing with three kids that aren't my own.

We spent a bit of time together, staying at hers. Her coming to me and we spoke on the phone every day.

She's often spoke of how one day it would be amazing for us to live together, how she would love to get married etc etc. We both took it with a pinch of salt as it was purely mentioned in a light hearted way between us.

Randomly on Saturday/Sunday she says we need to slow down. We aren't texting/calling as much and every communication is instigated by me.

I'm not sure how to help her with the slowing down as everything was being done at a pace she felt happy with.

She mentioned she felt she may have rushed into our relationship but then stated we are fine.

I'm not sure how best to interpret what she's saying!

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Sounds good. It seems like she was getting ahead of herself and just wanted to tell you about it. Just let her set the pace and lay back a bit.

Randomly on Saturday/Sunday she says we need to slow down.

I'm not sure how to help her with the slowing down as everything was being done at a pace she felt happy with.

She mentioned she felt she may have rushed into our relationship but then stated we are fine.

I'm not sure how best to interpret what she's saying!

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When a person asks to slow down, you don't help them with that, you simply respect the request and give them some space and distance. Maybe back off calling/talking every day and give her a chance to actually miss you and reach out to you or if you talk/text often through the day, slow it down to just once per day. Basically, whatever your communication frequency now, space it out a bit more.

 

Overall, might be good for you to take a step back and evaluate her behavior at large for your own sake and check in this is really going as well as you thought.

 

From where I'm sitting, her mouth and feet are moving in opposite directions. Bit of a warning flag in the air. For example, she says she really wants to get to know you first, but then just barely 3 weeks in, introduces her kids to you. Kind of inappropriate really and totally against her own expressed desires. From there it escalated pretty fast to coming over, staying over, etc, etc, etc. Again she says she wants to take things slow, but then pushed a blistering pace forward. Now she is knee jerking back to what she thinks she wants..... a bit of bolting the barn door after the horse is long gone. What that should tell you is that this woman isn't quite all that balanced, doesn't have very good boundaries and seems mixed up about what she really wants to be doing and how.

 

This might be just a small hiccup or the tip of the iceberg. Only time will tell. One thing to ponder for you is maybe don't act like a tumbleweed in the wind when dating. She may be pushing the pace, but you have full agency to tap the brakes and sometimes maybe you should - like meeting kids in just three weeks.

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Agree with Wiseman.

 

Seems she bended a bit on her own rules, in the sense that she introduced you to her children more or less right off the bat. Stir in talks of marriage and moving in, no matter how fluttery, and that’s a gas pedal pressed to floor. Think of this as her easing up, just a touch, so you guys can enjoy the ride responsibly.

 

I get how it might feel like a bit of a record scratch, but regardless of where this goes I think she’s showing you a side of her to respect and appreciate.

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Cheers guys,

 

I know I'm a bit of a with stuff like this as I over analyze where I really shouldn't and in turn that probably pisses her off more.

I don't mean to do it! I just find myself querying certain actions and then ask about them.

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It's possible one of the kids didn't like you.

 

Kids can make or break a relationship. If one of them didn't like you, it really can impact the entire thing, and no she wouldn't tell you if one of them said something or what they said because it would make things even more awkward.

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Listen to what she is saying.

 

I think she is realizing there is too much going on... when you meet up with someone, you do not mention marriage with such a fresh relationship.

 

You are still getting to know each other.. maybe mention the M word after a cpl years- when you KNOW things are still going well.

 

thing are always great in the beginning.. but maybe now, she is feeling it is all a little much and maybe she does not see such as Marriage after all.

 

Just give her some space.. Lay off on the continous contact.. do NOT expect to be moving in with her and her kids anytime soon!

 

I am sure she does mean the long term thing.. by sounds of it. she is big into that- of course. I would want that as well.

BUT does not mean it is acheivable. Can be many challenges that go with it.

 

Soon enough you will see IF it will work or not.

dont pressure her.. give her respect and time.

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Maybe the kids' father is wondering why you've been around them more or less from the beginning? Or perhaps one or more of the kids is struggling to adapt to a new man in their life. Do you know much about the backstory between her and their dad?

 

As the others have said, it sounds like she got ahead of herself and is realizing that wasn't the best way to approach it. All you can do is respect what she's said and observe now. You can't help her slow down, and I don't get the sense she's asked you to do so anyway. If she's had a change of heart, for whatever reason, you'll know soon enough.

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Thanks.

I suppose one thing I should add that causes me a little anxiety is that at the moment she doesn't want me staying over-im cool with that if it helps things progress.

However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.

I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.

She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.

I'm happy to slow the pace but this thing of him staying has rocked me a bit, I've started analysing what may happen when the kids go to bed and it's just them two downstairs, I've started thinking what if this day together reignites a spark for her.

 

I hate that I had come so far and now am falling back again!

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Maybe the kids' father is wondering why you've been around them more or less from the beginning? Or perhaps one or more of the kids is struggling to adapt to a new man in their life. Do you know much about the backstory between her and their dad?

 

As the others have said, it sounds like she got ahead of herself and is realizing that wasn't the best way to approach it. All you can do is respect what she's said and observe now. You can't help her slow down, and I don't get the sense she's asked you to do so anyway. If she's had a change of heart, for whatever reason, you'll know soon enough.

 

Hey!

The father has no input in their lives. He basically walked out when they were younger, she was really thankful that I had come along as she said she sees me as being someone that would help steer the kids right through life.

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However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.

I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.

She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.

 

If he lives two hours away and they dated for three weeks - do the kids even know each other? If so, how? It is something the kids were asking to do (play with his kids) or is this something the two of them arranged without prompting from the little ones?

 

Two hours is a long way to come for a play date that would necessitate a sleepover, especially when it's not clear how well these kids knew each other already. This combined with her wanting to slow down doesn't look too good, if I'm being honest.

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However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.

I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.

She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.

 

Oh, wow. You're a total doormat that you're okay with this just because they made previous plans. She's showing you her pattern here and her total lack of boundaries. If she really saw you as potential long term material, she would not jeopardize what she has with you by flaunting this nonsense in your face. Do you really think he'd drive a four hour round trip so his child could have a playdate with someone they'd met once or twice? You're very naive. Walk away from Miss Loopy so you can be free to meet someone decent.

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This combined with her wanting to slow down doesn't look too good, if I'm being honest.

 

Have to second this, sorry to say.

 

In your shoes, I wouldn't be concerned that this meant she was trying to rekindle something with this guy so much that I'd just be wondering about her emotional maturity, whether she lives her life in a way that fits with the way I live mine. On one hand, she talks about certain (very sensible) boundaries when it comes to dating and her children, yet at this point that really seems more aspirational than actual. You met her kids at light speed—and so too, it seems, did your predecessor. And now they're doing playdates? Just seems...well, like the behavior of someone who is in a scattered juncture in her life. Rushing in, pulling back, insta-romance, insta-friendship, etc. etc.

 

You know her, and yourself, better than us. Just remember this is a time to observe, first and foremost, and be honest with how those observations settle in your gut.

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However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.

I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.

She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.

 

Oh, wow. You're a total doormat that you're okay with this just because they made previous plans. She's showing you her pattern here and her total lack of boundaries. If she really saw you as potential long term material, she would not jeopardize what she has with you by flaunting this nonsense in your face. Do you really think he'd drive a four hour round trip so his child could have a playdate with someone they'd met once or twice? You're very naive. Walk away from Miss Loopy so you can be free to meet someone decent.

 

I agree. A total deal breaker. You are making a huge mistake allowing yourself to tolerate this slap in the face.

 

That would the day! I'd allow myself to be treated like an option.

 

Notice I'm saying allowing myself, tolerating something happening to me.

 

Its not allowing her or tolerating her... its letting yourself be put in shelf for a day and a night while she socializes with another man, as a family unit... dealing with the kids and then adult time...

 

I would tell her flat, I've been thinking about this and it's not cool with me. I understand this is what she wants. I've been very respectful of her boundaries, now I respect mine.

 

You are not being treated well and this not setting a foundation for you to be treated better in the future.

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Thanks.

I suppose one thing I should add that causes me a little anxiety is that at the moment she doesn't want me staying over-im cool with that if it helps things progress.

However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.

I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.

She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.

I'm happy to slow the pace but this thing of him staying has rocked me a bit, I've started analysing what may happen when the kids go to bed and it's just them two downstairs, I've started thinking what if this day together reignites a spark for her.

 

I hate that I had come so far and now am falling back again!

 

Wow....I'm really kind of speechless here. This woman is inviting a guy she barely knows to play with her kids and stay over her place..... OP, if you are willing to swallow this bs as "for the children" then I've got a bridge you might be interested in. Please do not be so naive. This isn't a playdate, this is a date and she is lying to your face and using her children to manipulate you.

 

It's not what might happen when the kids are in bed that you should be concerned about so much as that this woman is parading strange men through her house and her childrens' lives indiscriminately and that she is taking you already for a complete doormat.

 

Look, if you had exercise some better judgment and balance yourself, you wouldn't be this far along and realizing that this chic is messed up and someone to be shown the door would be an easy and logical decision. Unfortunately your focus seems to be on getting into a relationship, any relationship without evaluating at all if this person is in any way, shape, or form right for you. If you carry on like that and don't fix your approach, you are in for a whole lot of pain and disappointment.

 

When you start dating, know what you want, what a healthy person looks like, what a healthy pace looks like and when you meet women, evaluate them on whether they meet that basic criteria. If they don't, move on. Right now, your only criteria seems to be "whatever she wants as long as she wants me" - this is a disastrous way to approach dating and relationships and will get you burnt time and again.

 

As for this chic - show her the door and call it a day. Surely you can figure out that she is unfit as a partner.

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Unfortunately, it is her way of saying she is not interested in you for anything substantial. She jumped on too fast, then realized you are not the one. Sge might hit you up though if she needs a favor or is unusually bored. Sounds too like she's not over her ex.

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I agree with the other comments that having the other kids and the father stay over isn't appropriate. If that's the case they should have left earlier in the afternoon.

 

I really feel for you. You went with her guidelines and accepted her family, thinking that things were ok. Don't lose faith in people in general. Dial back interactions with this person and don't initiate any other contact with her. Take time to process what you want out of a relationship and give this the dust time to settle. You'll think a bit clearer that way and be able to make a decision that's best for you.

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However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.

 

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghh.

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Hello all,

Many thanks for this.

I have certainly told her I am not happy with the staying over side of things.

 

We spoke today and I am a little clearer. Basically pre lockdown they wanted to organise something for the kids to do. It wasn't possible due to the lockdown.

My partner has 2 kids with autism and the son of this guy also has learning difficulties so they wanted to do some activities with them.

It's not a play date at home as such. They are meeting at an activity park/farm which is a drive away and spending the day there. She did mention this when we first got together. It wasn't until today that I remembered it was a day out and not going to someone's house.

When pressed about the staying over she said, "it's probably not even going to happen it was simply an option as it would be a long day. His son wouldn't even settle here so he more than likely won't stay."

 

I explained how it all looked to me and she apologised saying how she hadn't looked at it that way she simply saw it as 2 parents entertaining their kids.

 

I told her if I had an ex stay over she wouldn't appreciate it, to which she agreed and again understood the angle I was coming from.

 

She has today continued to talk about how she's looking forward to us doing more things throughout the summer and has said that the ME she suffers from occasionally causes her to want to put the brakes on life as there is too much going on. With that in mind she said she certainly does want a relationship with me, she just needs to focus on her kids and their development as well as restarting her career whilst including me.

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She has today continued to talk about how she's looking forward to us doing more things throughout the summer and has said that the ME she suffers from occasionally causes her to want to put the brakes on life as there is too much going on. With that in mind she said she certainly does want a relationship with me, she just needs to focus on her kids and their development as well as restarting her career whilst including me.

 

Even if this play date is vanilla and platonic, continue to invest slowly and carefully into the relationship. It appears that the foundation isn't all that strong at the moment.

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Maybe reading up on Myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) if that's what she's referring to might help also. People can have all kinds of issues but if they're not making the right choices to manage them, that should be a red flag to you.

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