Jump to content

Pre-date phone call - Advice please


FirstDates

Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

I’m one of those that really dislikes pre-date phone calls. I’ve done only one and it turned out to save time eliminating him but half of me wondered if the phone call itself was part of the issue. He sounded odd, the conversation wasn’t stellar and I had no interest in a meet up.

 

Now this guy and I from a dating site have traded a handful of messages and then he suggested a phone call, if I was comfortable with that.

 

I said sure but I was also more than okay with simply meeting in person for a coffee but was fine with a phone call if he preferred that.

 

Turns out he does prefer that, ah crap!

 

I am interested enough in him to compromise (not true of the guy who wanted a video call as a first meet).

 

I find phone calls often feel forced when in this situation, I never feel the best version of myself and don’t feel like I cannot read situations as well as with face to face. In addition because I don’t see the point in these, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be asking him and how to help it not be boring.

 

I was wondering if people had tips for me, to make it more comfortable and good questions to ask, also any suggestions for setting perimeters to keep it a brief preview not a long winded talking session. 😅

 

Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why did you agree to a phone call then?

 

Are you so far interested in this guy?

Is covid preventing you from meeting?

 

Why are you so adverse to a phone call? And why are you asking advice on what to ask him? Do you treat all your online dates like an interview? That’s what makes it boring. And sounds like even meeting for a coffee would be boring if that’s your attitude?

 

What’s your main concern here? Him liking you or you liking him?

 

If you really believe your best option is to meet in person , ask yourself why?

Do you rely on your appearance to attract guys?

And really if you rely on that , then are you not attracting superficial guys?

 

Ask yourself why you are not able to engage in chit chat over the phone. ?

 

Do you rely on superficial compliments to feel relaxed to chat to another?

 

I personally don’t see the point in chatting on phone before meeting , but that’s because I’m not only attracted to chat but the mannerisms of a person.

 

Figure out why you don’t want to chat before a date. Tell him why.

He might not want to meet you without that chat but that’s fine. No meet. Nothing lost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Billie:

 

Why did you agree to a phone call then? —as I said in the OP I’m interested enough in HIM to Compromise here. Which isn’t always the case.

 

70% of communication is non verbal, I feel like a phone date is setting oneself up to be flying blind at least a little bit. This would be the mannerisms you mentioned , I’d add expressions to this as well.

 

I’m not a fan of these calls for reasons stated in the OP. I avoid pre-date screenings in the form of phone calls, generally because they make me feel uncomfortable. Unlike a coffee date (which gives a little nerves) phone calls with stranger feel stilted and I don’t enjoy the experience of feeling pre-assessed— which is the only reason (I can see) for a call ahead.

 

I asked for advice to get a sense of good questions for this— are there questions I am supposed to be asking? I don’t want it to be an aimless subpar version of a coffee date.

 

I’m most nervous about him or I not getting an accurate idea of the other due to the format (I find calls uncomfortable outside of work, very close friends and business transactions) — I think they call this a false negative in science.

 

I don’t want a false negative.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't meet anyone in person without a phone call. I learned so much!! Do 20% of the talking -and his role is to keep up at least half of the conversation. Ask appropriate questions -not too intrusive and you will learn a lot just from his tone of voice, whether he asks you questions and what they are.

 

I used to ask questions that came up organically -could be about travel, books, music, movies, where we were from, our families. Ask about how he's doing during this pandemic, ask about his work, if he likes it, why he chose it, etc.

 

I had hundreds of these calls. And on a good percentage of them it made me realize I shouldn't meet the person. Saved me tons of wasted time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you want to make a good first impression and over the phone isn't really your forte even though you agreed to it.

 

He suggested it though, so just let him lead the conversation and don't get to hung up on your responses.

I hear you though...sometimes phone conversations get dry, forced and awkward, so you can aim to keep it brief and light, maybe mention something funny that happened to you today.

Then get right to the details of the date time, location etc.

 

Good luck..don't stress.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me the phone call is required before I will ask a woman to meet. If you cannot carry on a 10 minute conversation with me then I probably will not enjoy an in person conversation with you and not ask to meet.

 

Granted I have had not so stellar conversations with women and still met them. Non of them worked out but I am a big believer in second chances and getting to know someone before making a decision.

 

I am not sure what you asking when you ask what good questions to ask. What would you ask in person? Keep it simple and short-ish so you don't burn through all the first meet material.

 

If you are shallow and are not interested in peoples lives in general you will have a hard time either way. BUT if you are genuine and care about others and show real interest in their lives it should be relativity easy once you get started.

 

He calls and you answer. Hi ________, how is your day going so far? Good and yours? and off you go....

 

Have you lived here all your life?

Do you have family here?

 

 

The phone call is no different than in person except you cannot see him.

 

Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

how about we catch up for a coffee at & ?

call please , fix the date and get out.

I dont know how wearing masks and generally without seeing the whole face works out these days...sorry will feel weird though i agree.

 

Video call makes sense if you want to keep things safe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agree. If someone can not engage in brief 10 min call to set up a meet they could be hiding something, such as living with someone, a thick raspy older or smoker voice, catfishing or simply to shy/strange to date. The meet is the in person determination, so a 10 min call to set that up seems easy.

For me the phone call is required before I will ask a woman to meet. If you cannot carry on a 10 minute conversation with me then I probably will not enjoy an in person conversation with you and not ask to meet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me the phone call is required before I will ask a woman to meet. If you cannot carry on a 10 minute conversation with me then I probably will not enjoy an in person conversation with you and not ask to meet.

 

Granted I have had not so stellar conversations with women and still met them. Non of them worked out but I am a big believer in second chances and getting to know someone before making a decision.

 

I am not sure what you asking when you ask what good questions to ask. What would you ask in person? Keep it simple and short-ish so you don't burn through all the first meet material.

 

If you are shallow and are not interested in peoples lives in general you will have a hard time either way. BUT if you are genuine and care about others and show real interest in their lives it should be relativity easy once you get started.

 

He calls and you answer. Hi ________, how is your day going so far? Good and yours? and off you go....

 

Have you lived here all your life?

Do you have family here?

 

 

The phone call is no different than in person except you cannot see him.

 

Lost

 

I felt exactly the same and was able to screen out so many people -both based on what you wrote and uncovering lies .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't enjoy phone calls with people I don't know, for this reason:

 

 

70% of communication is non verbal, I feel like a phone date is setting oneself up to be flying blind at least a little bit. This would be the mannerisms you mentioned , I’d add expressions to this as well.

 

I’m not a fan of these calls for reasons stated in the OP. I avoid pre-date screenings in the form of phone calls, generally because they make me feel uncomfortable. Unlike a coffee date (which gives a little nerves) phone calls with stranger feel stilted and I don’t enjoy the experience of feeling pre-assessed— which is the only reason (I can see) for a call ahead.

 

I asked for advice to get a sense of good questions for this— are there questions I am supposed to be asking? I don’t want it to be an aimless subpar version of a coffee date.

 

I’m most nervous about him or I not getting an accurate idea of the other due to the format (I find calls uncomfortable outside of work, very close friends and business transactions) — I think they call this a false negative in science.

 

I don’t want a false negative.

 

Except the percentage is actually 93%.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't enjoy phone calls with people I don't know, for this reason:

 

Except the percentage is actually 93%.

 

Oh no! Well, that’s not good news! I find once I know people I can read their tone and intonation, until them it’s like “was that a joke? Should I be laughing? Was he serious? Should I have said that? Did I just accidentally insult him?—- with face to face I never have any doubt about what’s being said because their face will say it all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This person is a stranger and she is a woman meeting a stranger for the first time. A short phone call is a safe way to weed out a lot of men that either are jerks, lairs or have no class at all.

 

I was talking to a woman I was interested in from OLD when she all of a sudden comes unglued on her dog and stars screaming at the poor thing while on the phone with me. Huge red flag right there. Then even though her profile listed her as divorced she divulged that she wasn't technically divorced yet. I asked what that meant and it turns out that she had never even filed for divorce but they had been separated for 13 years or something like that and there was still plenty of unfinished business between them.

 

Needless to say I took a pass.

 

If we hadn't talked for those 25 minutes I would have wasted her time and mine on meeting.

 

Talking on the phone seems to be a lost art for some reason. Texting and posting on social media has replaced normal communication. Frankly I find it refreshing when a woman calls me instead of texting.

 

Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This person is a stranger and she is a woman meeting a stranger for the first time. A short phone call is a safe way to weed out a lot of men that either are jerks, lairs or have no class at all.

 

I was talking to a woman I was interested in from OLD when she all of a sudden comes unglued on her dog and stars screaming at the poor thing while on the phone with me. Huge red flag right there. Then even though her profile listed her as divorced she divulged that she wasn't technically divorced yet. I asked what that meant and it turns out that she had never even filed for divorce but they had been separated for 13 years or something like that and there was still plenty of unfinished business between them.

 

Needless to say I took a pass.

 

If we hadn't talked for those 25 minutes I would have wasted her time and mine on meeting.

 

Talking on the phone seems to be a lost art for some reason. Texting and posting on social media has replaced normal communication. Frankly I find it refreshing when a woman calls me instead of texting.

 

Lost

 

I once had a phone convo with a man who was also having a separate conversation much of our 20 minute conversation - with his hamster. Baby talk, etc. I declined to meet him. A few years later I was dating someone who told me one of his female friends had just started dating a guy who was basically obsessed with his hamster. yup. same guy. I think they're still happily married. Cover for every pot I guess....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What if he has a sexy french accent or sounds like he uses a spittoon/farts in background during your brief phone call? Would that change whether you want to meet him or not?

I find once I know people I can read their tone and intonation, until them it’s like “was that a joke?
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What if he has a sexy french accent or sounds like he uses a spittoon/farts in background during your brief phone call? Would that change whether you want to meet him or not?

 

Haha, only because I really don’t like French accents!

 

I just don’t really see it as time saving I guess. My time is wasted on person or via phone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha, only because I really don’t like French accents!

 

I just don’t really see it as time saving I guess. My time is wasted on person or via phone.

 

If you look at it as "wasting time" then pretty much every phone call will inevitably end up being awkward and go south quickly. You are pretty much setting yourself up to fail before you even start. Might want to work on simply adjusting your attitude to be a bit more flexible and open minded about communication, be it phone, text, or in person.

 

If you are picking up the phone already with the attitude of this is going to be a waste of time, then it will be. If you pick up the phone with an open mind to get to know the person a little bit, at least briefly, then it will be much more smooth and pleasant. How you set yourself up mentally is how it will pan out for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How demeaning to view someone else as a "waste of time." Why not just meet people and if you don't click or there are dealbreakers that present during the meeting, then chalk it up to experience and move on? I mean really if you are so busy that one whole hour out of your life is spent with someone that you don't ultimately end up with is a "waste of time" then stop doing this and focus on another aspect of your life where your time can be better spent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha, only because I really don’t like French accents!

 

I just don’t really see it as time saving I guess. My time is wasted on person or via phone.

 

I am still in touch with a couple of the guys I met but didn't click with to date. One of them has helped us a lot with computer issues (and he's just a good guy and fun to talk to), and it was good to meet new people. Some men completely wasted my time because they lied or didn't show up for the date/went MIA after we planned to meet. That was a waste of my time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you look at it as "wasting time" then pretty much every phone call will inevitably end up being awkward and go south quickly. You are pretty much setting yourself up to fail before you even start. Might want to work on simply adjusting your attitude to be a bit more flexible and open minded about communication, be it phone, text, or in person.

 

If you are picking up the phone already with the attitude of this is going to be a waste of time, then it will be. If you pick up the phone with an open mind to get to know the person a little bit, at least briefly, then it will be much more smooth and pleasant. How you set yourself up mentally is how it will pan out for you.

 

I’m not say it is going to be a waste of time, you misunderstand me. I’m saying a bad phone call is equally a waste of time (IMO) as a bad in person meet up. I see zero benefit to this prescreen process! It’s not like axe murders say Redrum every third word and Ted Bundy probably sounded magnificent over the phone as well!

 

I’m hoping it is good and leads to a good in person meeting.

 

Because what if he has a sexy French accent (like wiseman likes) doesn’t use a spittoon in the background but reeks to high heaven because he doesn’t actually shower in real life? What has one really learned in that phone call?

 

I’m going to be fine, I’ll put my best foot forward obviously!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How demeaning to view someone else as a "waste of time." Why not just meet people and if you don't click or there are dealbreakers that present during the meeting, then chalk it up to experience and move on? I mean really if you are so busy that one whole hour out of your life is spent with someone that you don't ultimately end up with is a "waste of time" then stop doing this and focus on another aspect of your life where your time can be better spent.

 

I’m only saying I’d happily waste two hours to meet in person and give it the best chance for authenticity verses a half hour to do a possibly less authentic or less successful phone conversation.

 

I’d be willing to invest more time, fuel, effort to give myself or the person I was getting to know the best platform for success (within reason). That’s just me and my opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am still in touch with a couple of the guys I met but didn't click with to date. One of them has helped us a lot with computer issues (and he's just a good guy and fun to talk to), and it was good to meet new people. Some men completely wasted my time because they lied or didn't show up for the date/went MIA after we planned to meet. That was a waste of my time.

 

I’ve never been stood up— that would be a HUGE waste of time! Was there a correlation between phone calls first and being stood up or not?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m only saying I’d happily waste two hours to meet in person and give it the best chance for authenticity verses a half hour to do a possibly less authentic or less successful phone conversation.

 

I’d be willing to invest more time, fuel, effort to give myself or the person I was getting to know the best platform for success (within reason). That’s just me and my opinion.

 

I understand that and I agree.

 

There seems to be an underlying theme amongst some of the posts here that you talk on the phone with people in order to rule them out. I don't quite understand that mindset.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...