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Things moved to fast? Now what?


dmveep
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You could be right, but I do believe there are varying levels of physical attraction we all have to others. Objectively, some people are almost universally attractive, think A list actor types. Then some are probably almost universally unattractive.

 

In regards to dating, I think the other person has to have an acceptable amount of attractiveness.

 

Perhaps, I just feel really bad rejecting someone for a lack of physical attraction, when everything else seems perfect and I’m struggling to find a relationship. Perhaps, I wanted to see if it would change over time or challenge my notions about physical attraction or her not being my type wouldn’t matter. Maybe I thought dating my type wasn’t working so I should try something different?

 

Well no - I might know that a certain actor is objectively attractive but doesn't mean at all we'd have chemistry. "Seems perfect" after five dates is really irrelevant - you don't know her enough to make that evaluation. Sounds like you're using her as a test for yourself and since she obviously is now attached to you that's probably not fair. It's not totally fair anyway but at least in the first handful of dates of course it's ok to date outside of typical "type" all else equal. But now it's unequal.

 

This is not about "notions" of physical attraction -that's your head talking - that's analytical. Physical attraction can grow for sure. It even can happen out of nothing - like friendship suddenly caught on fire - but since you already know you're not that into her that way, it hasn't grown even though you had sex with her - then maybe find someone else to experiment on -it's not her fault you're "struggling" to find a relationship. It can be a real struggle -it was for me -but the physical attraction part should not be. I learned that the hard way. Too hard.

 

Also you didn't respond about using protection -for sure if you're not sure about her then you're not sure about being the father of her child -or have you discussed what options you would have were she to become pregnant?

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Well no - I might know that a certain actor is objectively attractive but doesn't mean at all we'd have chemistry. "Seems perfect" after five dates is really irrelevant - you don't know her enough to make that evaluation. Sounds like you're using her as a test for yourself and since she obviously is now attached to you that's probably not fair. It's not totally fair anyway but at least in the first handful of dates of course it's ok to date outside of typical "type" all else equal. But now it's unequal.

 

This is not about "notions" of physical attraction -that's your head talking - that's analytical. Physical attraction can grow for sure. It even can happen out of nothing - like friendship suddenly caught on fire - but since you already know you're not that into her that way, it hasn't grown even though you had sex with her - then maybe find someone else to experiment on -it's not her fault you're "struggling" to find a relationship. It can be a real struggle -it was for me -but the physical attraction part should not be. I learned that the hard way. Too hard.

 

Also you didn't respond about using protection -for sure if you're not sure about her then you're not sure about being the father of her child -or have you discussed what options you would have were she to become pregnant?

 

Yes, we did use protection.

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Yes, we did use protection.

 

Cool. It's not foolproof. I raise that only because you're not that into her. So I'd do double protection -meaning she is on the pill too or a back up method - unless for some odd reason you know for sure she knows she would abort your child and you also are ok with that. I'm glad you used protection as far as lessening the risk of STDs- obviously if she is comfortable giving you oral sex after 5 dates and asking for exclusivity as an afterthought it's likely not her first time which increases the risk that she might have an std she can pass to you.

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When all is said and done, we don't have a set answer for you. This is just something you will have to navigate. I think you already know that you need to talk to her. If you are still interested in exploring this, invite her out to do some acitivity. Assure her that you are interested in her as an individual, but in the meantime agree that maybe it moved too fast and for the time being stay out of the bedroom.

. . .side note, not sure why one would think being naked in bed and mutually satisfying each other is somehow any different then penetration. It's still an act of being sexually intimate and with that comes some responsibility on both your parts. It's not like it wouldn't count.

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You could be right, but I do believe there are varying levels of physical attraction we all have to others. Objectively, some people are almost universally attractive, think A list actor types.

 

Let's unpack this for a minute.

 

Sure, most "A list actor types" are quite attractive. But I bet if we line up 10 photos of famous women, I will be more drawn to some than you, and vise versa. That's all about as superficial as it gets, of course, but I think it gets to the beautiful mystery of attraction: that gut-churning, cheek-burning chemical stuff that is kind of there or not.

 

You sound a bit stuck in your head, both the one above the shoulder and the one below the waistline. Maybe see about scraping away some of the corrosion connecting the two, and you'll find all this—including awkward moments like this—easier to navigate from a place of authenticity.

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When all is said and done, we don't have a set answer for you. This is just something you will have to navigate. I think you already know that you need to talk to her. If you are still interested in exploring this, invite her out to do some acitivity. Assure her that you are interested in her as an individual, but in the meantime agree that maybe it moved too fast and for the time being stay out of the bedroom.

. . .side note, not sure why one would think being naked in bed and mutually satisfying each other is somehow any different then penetration. It's still an act of being sexually intimate and with that comes some responsibility on both your parts. It's not like it wouldn't count.

 

You are right. I’m not sure if there is any one specific thing. All I know is that there is some degree of hesitation or being unsure about her that was really exposed last night.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened as a result. Should I just be honest about the fact I was feeling unsure and got swept up in the passion of the moment? That’s the truth, right or wrong. Do you think I should just call her tonight to discuss? I honestly feel sick about it.

 

Seeing her exclusively wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing as some have said just to figure things out. I don’t know I just feel like I’m going to throw up I’m so disgusted by myself.

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You are right. I’m not sure if there is any one specific thing. All I know is that there is some degree of hesitation or being unsure about her that was really exposed last night.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened as a result. Should I just be honest about the fact I was feeling unsure and got swept up in the passion of the moment? That’s the truth, right or wrong. Do you think I should just call her tonight to discuss? I honestly feel sick about it.

 

Seeing her exclusively wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing as some have said just to figure things out. I don’t know I just feel like I’m going to throw up I’m so disgusted by myself.

Instead of calling her, invite her out. Talk to her in person. It shows a genuine intention of getting things on the right track. A phone call like that might seem like an ending rather than airing things out.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Noone forced the other person to do something against their will. She invited you into her bed. She shares equal responsibility for her own self care, emotionally and physically.

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You are right. I’m not sure if there is any one specific thing. All I know is that there is some degree of hesitation or being unsure about her that was really exposed last night.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened as a result. Should I just be honest about the fact I was feeling unsure and got swept up in the passion of the moment? That’s the truth, right or wrong. Do you think I should just call her tonight to discuss? I honestly feel sick about it.

 

Seeing her exclusively wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing as some have said just to figure things out. I don’t know I just feel like I’m going to throw up I’m so disgusted by myself.

 

....Turn the volume down on the drama button. Good grief....

 

She was the one who invited you into her bed and the one who lead that whole dance. Give her some credit for knowing what she is doing, along with understanding consequences like the adult she is.

 

Don't treat others like children and don't be so self important and arrogant. You both had fun, if you feel the need to clear the air about where you really stand, then do so, but not in this dramatic, self important, omg I feel such guilt and whatever manner. Geez....give her some credit that she wasn't born yesterday and that this isn't her first rodeo either. She did what she wanted so you need to calm down....a lot. This kind of self flagellating makes me question just how fit you are to date, let alone be in a relationship of any kind.

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I think after only five dates you don't actually owe anyone exclusivity. It's also hard to exactly know if she meant exclusivity as in, don't sleep with other people, or don't actually date other people. Some people don't feel comfortable sleeping with someone who sleeps with others for safety reasons or just they don't feel good about the idea. But maybe they don't necessarily want exclusivity in the sense that you're not allowed to talk to other people on online dating or go on dates with others. I think in the very least you should clarify that part.

 

To be honest it doesn't sound like you're really into this girl. I don't know how attraction can grow more after you've been making out with her a lot and you even had sex. This is probably as good as attraction actually gets. You should know now if you have physical and sexual chemistry. I mean yeah her mouth knows how to pleasure a penis so you found it good from purely a sensational perspective. But you don't sound that taken with the sex or her overall. I probably wouldn't waste her time any further if you're not really feeling it.

 

Although if you do end it maybe do it in person and try to be very gentle. It doesn't feel nice if you just had sex and you immediately get dumped. Coz then it just looks like the person just used you for sex.

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