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Things moved to fast? Now what?


dmveep
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I recently went on a fifth date with a really great girl. She is very sweet and kind. Our conversations are effortless. She treats me amazingly and does everything you want the person your dating to do. Despite this, I feel like there is something I’ve been hesitant about. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I’m maybe just not super attracted to her despite her great personal qualities that I seek in a relationship.

 

I wanted to see if that would change so I continued to see her. Things got really hot and heavy last night . She asked me if I thought things were moving too fast, I said no, but I was only maybe expecting a make out session or HJ last night. We made out, then she initiated giving me a BJ, which was incredible by the way. Then, she stops when I had nearly ejaculated and said something that implied that she wanted to have sex. She then quickly said something like, “This probably isn’t the best time for this, but we probably shouldn’t see anyone else for a while?” I said,”that probably makes sense.” We then had sex, which was very short since I had already been about to explode.

 

Anyway, I feel really bad now. I don’t think I was ready to have some makeshift, 2 second exclusivity talk when I was super sexually aroused. To be honest, I am still feeling things out as I mentioned above but panicked when she said that. I don’t really know how to move forward now. I still had a couple people I was chatting with online that I intended to meet, now I feel guilty about that. Ugh, I feel so bad and I don’t know what to do. Any recommendations? What would you do?

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The best thing to do is to be direct and simple with no gushy "you're amazing but" or some silly excuse about not being ready for a relationship. Also did you use protection? If not then of course you'll make sure she knows to contact you if she is pregnant. Tell her it was the heat of the moment and you're sorry. She was there too. She knows that she did all of this without talking through what she really wanted before it was "heat of the moment". I'm sorry you're regretting it.

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The best thing to do is to be direct and simple with no gushy "you're amazing but" or some silly excuse about not being ready for a relationship. Also did you use protection? If not then of course you'll make sure she knows to contact you if she is pregnant. Tell her it was the heat of the moment and you're sorry. She was there too. She knows that she did all of this without talking through what she really wanted before it was "heat of the moment". I'm sorry you're regretting it.

 

I wouldn’t mind seeing her a few more times to feel things out, but if I’m really honest with myself I’d be hoping for my hesitations to change. Typically from the past, I know these hesitations don’t always go away, but sometimes they do. We did use protection, so I don’t think that’s really an issue.

 

I’m really struggling with this situation. After all this quarantining and isolation, I think I have felt some sense of desperation or loneliness at times.

 

Do you think continuing to see her would be a mistake? I don’t really see any way to walk things back now. If I could do it again, I’d like to say, “ I want to still get to know you better but I’m not quite ready to be exclusive.” I don’t really feel like I ratcheted up the physical aspect significantly. I’ve never been the one night stand type of person. Would it be possible to propose a physical exclusivity but still continue dating others? I really feel lost here. Is this situation toast?

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If I could do it again, I’d like to say, “I want to still get to know you better but I’m not quite ready to be exclusive.”

 

So do exactly this. Yes, it's awkward, but how she responds will let you know if it's the kind of awkwardness that can be explored, or not, and you don't have to spin out into some dramatic vortex of self-recrimination. You've had sex, yes, but the stakes here are still very low, for both of you, as you are just two people on planet earth who have met each other 5 times. Wherever this goes is okay, and respect her enough to respect that's true for her too.

 

I wouldn't get into some hair-splitting game of proposing physical exclusivity while continuing to date others, since what does that ever really mean? In her shoes, I'd take that to be you trying to coddle me rather than treating me like the grownup I am. She's either on the same page as you, or understanding of the page you're on and the blurry page you wrote together in a saucy moment. Heck, in exploring that—with words, not bodies—you may gain some clarity on the question of whether this is someone you want to continue getting to know.

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So do exactly this. Yes, it's awkward, but how she responds will let you know if it's the kind of awkwardness that can be explored, or not, and you don't have to spin out into some dramatic vortex of self-recrimination. You've had sex, yes, but the stakes here are still very low, for both of you, as you are just two people on planet earth who have met each other 5 times. Wherever this goes is okay, and respect her enough to respect that's true for her too.

 

I’m really not sure how to phrase this. Is it possible to walk things back/slow things down if they move too fast? Is it possible I could tell her I didn’t feel ready for the exclusive conversation and panicked in the heat of the moment? I didn’t expect things to escalate so quickly. I feel super guilty about wanting to explore other options still.(catholic guilt manifestation haha)

 

If I were her, I’d feel pretty hurt by any statement of that sort. I feel like there has been a couple of times where I was on the flip side of this situation, where I dated someone a few times, had sex, but the other person decided it wasn’t right for them. It hurt at the time but obviously I got over it.

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So do exactly this. Yes, it's awkward, but how she responds will let you know if it's the kind of awkwardness that can be explored, or not, and you don't have to spin out into some dramatic vortex of self-recrimination. You've had sex, yes, but the stakes here are still very low, for both of you, as you are just two people on planet earth who have met each other 5 times. Wherever this goes is okay, and respect her enough to respect that's true for her too.

 

I wouldn't get into some hair-splitting game of proposing physical exclusivity while continuing to date others, since what does that ever really mean? In her shoes, I'd take that to be you trying to coddle me rather than treating me like the grownup I am. She's either on the same page as you, or understanding of the page you're on and the blurry page you wrote together in a saucy moment. Heck, in exploring that—with words, not bodies—you may gain some clarity on the question of whether this is someone you want to continue getting to know.

 

I agree with Bluecastle,

 

The sooner you have this talk the better. If you wait it will make it that much harder to bring up.

 

You know this woman better than we do so you have to have some idea how to start the conversation. Please do not send her a text saying "we need to talk". Ask her to get together for an early dinner or something and when you see each other say something like this: "I would like to talk about what happened the other night" "I kind of panicked when you asked if we were going to fast and answered no because I got caught up in the moment but I do feel like we may be going a bit fast" "I would really like for us to get to know each other much better before sex complicates things"

 

Basically tell her what you wrote on your first post. Compassionate honesty is a rarely used thing but it is a wonderful gift in the long run. What would you rather do? Have a semi awkward conversation now or hurt her very badly in a month or so when you decide she isn't the one for you?

 

Be brave and talk to her.

 

Lost

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I agree with Bluecastle,

 

The sooner you have this talk the better. If you wait it will make it that much harder to bring up.

 

You know this woman better than we do so you have to have some idea how to start the conversation. Please do not send her a text saying "we need to talk". Ask her to get together for an early dinner or something and when you see each other say something like this: "I would like to talk about what happened the other night" "I kind of panicked when you asked if we were going to fast and answered no because I got caught up in the moment but I do feel like we may be going a bit fast" "I would really like for us to get to know each other much better before sex complicates things"

 

Basically tell her what you wrote on your first post. Compassionate honesty is a rarely used thing but it is a wonderful gift in the long run. What would you rather do? Have a semi awkward conversation now or hurt her very badly in a month or so when you decide she isn't the one for you?

 

Be brave and talk to her.

 

Lost

 

Thanks. I think that makes sense.

 

The thing that concerned me most was trying to establish a level of exclusivity very quickly to permit moving forward with sex. I think this is a responsible and appropriate thing to establish but a bad time to bring it up. Would this also need to be addressed specifically? If so, how? As I mentioned, I feel terrible for wanting to explore other options, but stating that would be horrific.

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Thanks. I think that makes sense.

 

The thing that concerned me most was trying to establish a level of exclusivity very quickly to permit moving forward with sex. I think this is a responsible and appropriate thing to establish but a bad time to bring it up. Would this also need to be addressed specifically? If so, how? As I mentioned, I feel terrible for wanting to explore other options, but stating that would be horrific.

 

I'll defer to the men's advise. They clearly have a better understanding of the man's view on this.

But as a woman, to take you to`that' place and decide that was a good time to negotiate the terms seems a little manipulative.

I don't know that she intentionally meant to do so, but it does place you in a prediciment.

 

But it wasn't the best move on her part. The game `calling Uncle' comes to mind.

Take it moment by moment. You'll know what to do. Just be transparent.

 

I get your discomfort. But don't move forward on anything you don't feel comfortable with and don't feel guilty saying so.

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I wouldn't over complicate this.

 

In your shoes I'd just tell her that after 5 dates it's too soon to jump into an exclusive relationship and then just tell her that you aren't sleeping around or looking to, but you do feel that things have moved a bit fast and you'd rather slow it down and do what you've been doing before - enjoy your time together and get to know each other properly and grow into that relationship. Also, tell her that yes, in the heat of the moment you agreed to things that you two really should have talked about before in a calmer moment, so that moment is now. Tell her that you just aren't the sort of person to jump into an instant relationship after a few dates and you want to be honest with her about that. How she takes that, up to her. She might accept it at face value, she might take it as rejection. You can't control that and it doesn't make you a bad person for informing her where you really stand. It's actually a mature thing to do.

 

As for sexual exclusivity, it's not really splitting hairs, it means just that - not sleeping around with multiple partners exposing people to disease. It doesn't mean this will grow into a solid relationship. It might, it might not.

 

As for the guilt.....I mean.....you are both adults making personal choices. She made hers and she is responsible for that decision, not you.

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Take a moment, really quick, to inhale and exhale. No, seriously, do it. This is not nuclear disarmament, after all.

 

What's done is done, and what's done? It's not that cataclysmic. Lost gave you an excellent playbook in terms of how to proceed from here—in terms of being the kind of person in the world you want to be. However she responds—and she can respond any which way she chooses!—will then inform where things go from here. Somewhere, nowhere? Sweetness, bittersweetness, a flare-up of drama? It's all okay, and will let you both know if there's something to continue to feel out, or not.

 

Why on earth would you feel "terrible" for not wanting to be in an exclusive commitment with someone you hardly know? Give her some credit here. She is an adult, she was there, knows it was all a little hasty, is probably having her own spins about it.

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I'll defer to the men's advise. They clearly have a better understanding of the man's view on this.

But as a woman, to take you to`that' place and decide that was a good time to negotiate the terms seems a little manipulative.

I don't know that she intentionally meant to do so, but it does place you in a prediciment.

 

But it wasn't the best move on her part. The game `calling Uncle' comes to mind.

Take it moment by moment. You'll know what to do. Just be transparent.

 

I get your discomfort. But don't move forward on anything you don't feel comfortable with and don't feel guilty saying so.

 

Eh....I don't know if she was necessarily manipulative or simply wanting to ensure sexual exclusivity. Maybe start the conversation by asking her to clarify and then go from there.

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From a man's point of view and my experience:

 

Women get caught up in the moment too, women love sex, women get carried away when things get passionate and most importantly women tend to think more clearly than men when there are naked bodies involved.

 

I doubt she was trying to manipulate you into something but she found herself in a place she probably didn't expect to be in so soon so she did the best she could in the moment.

 

I will be the fist to admit that my IQ drops significantly when there is a beautiful naked woman making out with me so I am in no position to judge anyone. It happened, she was pretty upfront even though the timing wasn't perfect so go from there.

 

I have a buddy that told me of a woman he had been on one date with and on the second date she wanted to go back to her place. They had sex a few times and then he left. When he got home he texted her and told her he had a great time. His phone rings and the first words out of her mouth were "we need to talk about us" Needless to say there was no "US" after two dates and she did things backwards. My buddy wasn't even sure about her but after that phone call he was sure he didn't want to go down that road.

 

These things rarely go perfectly but having a talk before is always better than after, even if you are both naked...

 

Lost

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Stop leading woman on to have sex but you are not attracted to or want to be exclusive with. You're bound to invite drama upon yourself when you keep pulling stunts like that.

I recently went on a fifth date with a really great girl.. We then had sex
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From a man's point of view and my experience:

 

Women get caught up in the moment too, women love sex, women get carried away when things get passionate and most importantly women tend to think more clearly than men when there are naked bodies involved.

 

I doubt she was trying to manipulate you into something but she found herself in a place she probably didn't expect to be in so soon so she did the best she could in the moment.

 

I will be the fist to admit that my IQ drops significantly when there is a beautiful naked woman making out with me so I am in no position to judge anyone. It happened, she was pretty upfront even though the timing wasn't perfect so go from there.

 

I have a buddy that told me of a woman he had been on one date with and on the second date she wanted to go back to her place. They had sex a few times and then he left. When he got home he texted her and told her he had a great time. His phone rings and the first words out of her mouth were "we need to talk about us" Needless to say there was no "US" after two dates and she did things backwards. My buddy wasn't even sure about her but after that phone call he was sure he didn't want to go down that road.

 

These things rarely go perfectly but having a talk before is always better than after, even if you are both naked...

 

Lost

 

I don’t think she was being manipulative. She has only displayed sincerity and integrity 100 percent, which is one of her most attractive features. I think it was a combination of feeling intense passion yet also wanting to have an exclusive sexual relationship. Things just escalated rapidly, I certainly played my role in that. I shouldn’t have said that I was ok with just seeing her though but felt so tongue tied in the moment, saying anything but something affirmative in that moment seemed impossible.

 

Admittedly, she had concerns, asking if things were moving too quickly. I honestly thought she just meant doing some hand stuff, but things really went wild.

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. .Maybe isn't just me, but if exclusivity is important to me, I'd talk to you about before I put my hand down your pants.

 

But anyway. . what you've described sounds fairly innocent. Things like this aren't always perfectly scripted.

Are you interested in being exclusive with her? I mean, it could merely translate into not dating others for the time being to see if there is potential there.

It's not like you two just got engaged, right? (not trying to be sarcastic. . just trying to lighten things up a bit)

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I don’t think she was being manipulative. She has only displayed sincerity and integrity 100 percent, which is one of her most attractive features. I think it was a combination of feeling intense passion yet also wanting to have an exclusive sexual relationship. Things just escalated rapidly, I certainly played my role in that. I shouldn’t have said that I was ok with just seeing her though but felt so tongue tied in the moment, saying anything but something affirmative in that moment seemed impossible.

 

Admittedly, she had concerns, asking if things were moving too quickly. I honestly thought she just meant doing some hand stuff, but things really went wild.

 

I think you really need to take a deep breath, don't blow this out of proportion, don't conflate sexual safety with instant exclusive relationship, and actually do have a conversation about it like two mature adults. You can sense yourself that she has concerns herself - so clear the air and come to an understanding that you are both comfortable with. Don't just talk at her, be sure you ask and listen to what she thinks and wants as well. Communication.....amazing how much can be achieved if only people would talk instead of leaping to assumptions and then reacting to those assumptions with guilt, fear, knee jerking, etc.

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In your shoes I'd just tell her that after 5 dates it's too soon to jump into an exclusive relationship and then just tell her that you aren't sleeping around or looking to, but you do feel that things have moved a bit fast and you'd rather slow it down and do what you've been doing before - enjoy your time together and get to know each other properly and grow into that relationship. Also, tell her that yes, in the heat of the moment you agreed to things that you two really should have talked about before in a calmer moment, so that moment is now. Tell her that you just aren't the sort of person to jump into an instant relationship after a few dates and you want to be honest with her.

 

I like this, what do others think?

 

Honestly, I don’t think I was particularly physically attracted to her the moment we met from an OLD app. However, her personality did win me over and she grew cuter over the night. Sometimes physical attraction can grow from this, but I’m not sure it was sufficient here.

 

I’m not really sure if the way I feel about her will change if I continue to see her. Has anyone else been in this position? I have felt all in from the early goings before. There still just seems to be this hesitation I have about her that I’m not sure will go away over time.

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I vote for compassionate honesty.

 

Only speak for yourself. Don't put words or actions on her.... Ask. Don't assume.And do it in person.

 

If you can talk through this and move forward through the awkwardness, that's a good sign for how you communicate.

 

It happens.. you know? Women want to have sex, too. Her comments were oddly placed but I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

See what she says. She may come back with an agreed "we moved too fast in the heat of the moment"

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For me personally lack of physical/sexual attraction means it's all over before it started. That aspect never ever grows for me. Then again, I do know good and well that I can have it all - red hot attraction and great personality/compatibility. To me, these things are never mutually exclusive concepts and so I don't try to force something to work just because the guy is otherwise great or we have fun or a lot in common. No sexual chemistry means he is just a platonic pal to me.

 

On that note, I couldn't actually have sex with someone I'm not attracted to.....soooo...... I guess that's where I find your behavior confusing. You claim not to be attracted and yet, not only did you have sex, you also mentioned it was great overall. It wasn't just her, you were there and fully into it.

 

Perhaps you need to explore more your hesitation and what it's really about. Is it really lacking attraction or is it that things are moving perhaps too fast, too perfect seeming - a bit of fear at play????

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I like this, what do others think?

 

Honestly, I don’t think I was particularly physically attracted to her the moment we met from an OLD app. However, her personality did win me over and she grew cuter over the night. Sometimes physical attraction can grow from this, but I’m not sure it was sufficient here.

 

I’m not really sure if the way I feel about her will change if I continue to see her. Has anyone else been in this position? I have felt all in from the early goings before. There still just seems to be this hesitation I have about her that I’m not sure will go away over time.

 

Iwould be direct and honest and hold off on sexual intercourse until you are ready to be exclusive with her.

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I don’t think she was being manipulative. She has only displayed sincerity and integrity 100 percent, which is one of her most attractive features. I think it was a combination of feeling intense passion yet also wanting to have an exclusive sexual relationship. Things just escalated rapidly, I certainly played my role in that. I shouldn’t have said that I was ok with just seeing her though but felt so tongue tied in the moment, saying anything but something affirmative in that moment seemed impossible.

 

Admittedly, she had concerns, asking if things were moving too quickly. I honestly thought she just meant doing some hand stuff, but things really went wild.

 

So I have to go back where you said you had her over and was hoping for nothing more than a hand job? I am not really have alot of sympathy for you at this point. You aren't necessarily attracted to her but you were perfectly ok with her pleasuring you? What was in it for her exactly?

 

You should have been more aware and responsible for your part in this. When she asked for exclusivity, you said yes. Why? Were you afraid she's stop doing what she was doing?

I get that takes some self control. . but you are an adult afterall.

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For me personally lack of physical/sexual attraction means it's all over before it started. That aspect never ever grows for me. Then again, I do know good and well that I can have it all - red hot attraction and great personality/compatibility. To me, these things are never mutually exclusive concepts and so I don't try to force something to work just because the guy is otherwise great or we have fun or a lot in common. No sexual chemistry means he is just a platonic pal to me.

 

On that note, I couldn't actually have sex with someone I'm not attracted to.....soooo...... I guess that's where I find your behavior confusing. You claim not to be attracted and yet, not only did you have sex, you also mentioned it was great overall. It wasn't just her, you were there and fully into it.

 

Perhaps you need to explore more your hesitation and what it's really about. Is it really lacking attraction or is it that things are moving perhaps too fast, too perfect seeming - a bit of fear at play????

 

You could be right, but I do believe there are varying levels of physical attraction we all have to others. Objectively, some people are almost universally attractive, think A list actor types. Then some are probably almost universally unattractive.

 

In regards to dating, I think the other person has to have an acceptable amount of attractiveness.

 

Perhaps, I just feel really bad rejecting someone for a lack of physical attraction, when everything else seems perfect and I’m struggling to find a relationship. Perhaps, I wanted to see if it would change over time or challenge my notions about physical attraction or her not being my type wouldn’t matter. Maybe I thought dating my type wasn’t working so I should try something different?

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So I have to go back where you said you had her over and was hoping for nothing more than a hand job? I am not really have alot of sympathy for you at this point. You aren't necessarily attracted to her but you were perfectly ok with her pleasuring you? What was in it for her exactly?

 

You should have been more aware and responsible for your part in this. When she asked for exclusivity, you said yes. Why? Were you afraid she's stop doing what she was doing?

I get that takes some self control. . but you are an adult afterall.

 

I went into the night feeling unsure about things. To set matters straight, she invited me to her place for dinner and invited me to her bed. We had only made out before then. I felt comfortable with fingering her or getting an HJ. I should have expressed that. Easy said than done when a naked woman takes off your pants and starts giving you a BJ.

 

Ultimately, I don’t disagree, which is a why I feel so bad. It was a horrible thing to do. I had my hesitations and I didn’t express them. I’ve genuinely enjoyed hanging out with her but I think something is a little lacking in the physical department. I don’t think she’s an unattractive person by any means. I’m just an idiot.

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