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Dumpers, why would you ever agree to meet up with dumpee?


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Let’s say you briefly dated someone in your past (think ~2 months, start to finish), things were going pretty great and the interest was mutual, but you ultimately decided to end things before a serious relationship was established. Let's say your reasons for ending things weren’t super serious like major incompatibility, signs of toxic behavior, or anything like that. Instead, your reason was something like feeling relationship anxiety/insecurity at the time, not feeling ready to be in a relationship at that exact time, being too busy at the time to maintain a relationship, etc. So mostly right person/wrong time type issues. The breakup was 100% amicable but the dumpee requested you no longer contact them because they did not wish to remain friends at that time, and you have respected that.

 

If this person texted you and asked you to meet up casually 6+ months down the line to "catch up" after having no communication at all during that whole time, would you agree to meet them? If so, what would be your reason for agreeing? Would it be out of sheer curiosity/boredom? Out of a desire to build a platonic friendship because they were a cool person and you liked them? To feel like a nice person by providing them with “closure”? Or would you only agree if you felt you were finally in a place where you saw some potential for pursuing something romantic with them again?

 

Would you assume that they were reaching out in an attempt to be romantic again, or would you assume it was probably meant to be platonic?

 

Obviously everyone is different, but I’m just curious what people’s experiences have been. I personally think I would assume romantic intent, and I don’t think I’d agree to meet up with this person unless I felt open to pursuing something romantic with them again so as not to lead them on.

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Did you hear from him or are you thinking of contacting him?

The breakup was 100% amicable but the dumpee requested you no longer contact them because they did not wish to remain friends at that time, and you have respected that.

 

If this person texted you and asked you to meet up casually 6+ months down the line to "catch up" after having no communication at all during that whole time, would you agree to meet them?

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Honestly, I wouldn't assume anything about the other person, save for taking them and their wish to "catch up" at face value. I'd ask myself if I felt like meeting up—if I felt it worth my time and energy, if I felt I was in the right headspace—and then I'd either meet up, or not, depending on the answer I provided for myself.

 

Is this a purely hypothetical question, or a personal question couched in a hypothetical?

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Personally I will not agree to meet them. My ex broke up with me 8 months ago, I begged for 4 months then I went to NC for 3 months. Ive heard from friend that he went back to his ex- he left her to me then after he dumped me he got back to her right away. He reached out twice via mutual friend On Facebook to send me greetings when I were visiting a mutual friend at his old neighborhood. He unblocked me on FB to checked on me but I have set everything on friend and of course I also unfriended him. I ignored him! A week later he read the last email I sent to him before I went to NC and sent me a email to ask how have I been during corona situation. I has been 5 months during corona situation but he did not even care how I were doing before why would he care now. I ignored him again. I has been 2 days since he sent me an email. I don’t want to contact him. I have been working on myself and seeing more clear about the picture about our relationship. He is not the right one for me. Despite I still think about him but I will not give him a chance to get back right the way!! I know he just reached out to taste the water or for ego stoke. An ex is an ex for a reason. I always remember that!!!

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Well….I was hoping no one would ask for specifics lol.

 

I am the “dumpee” in this situation. Like I said, the breakup was very quick and on good terms and we had a super fun and healthy relationship the entire time prior. However, at the time of the breakup I had politely requested that he not contact me again afterwards because I didn’t want to be friends, and he promised to respect that. Now, 6 months later, I’m thinking back on this great thing we had going and now that some circumstances have changed in both of our lives I’m wondering if we could make it work. We already know the connection is there. Although I've dated since we broke up, I’m not seriously dating anyone at the moment, and as far as I can tell neither is he.

 

So I’m thinking of reaching out and suggesting a casual meet up to see where he would stand on that. I have no problem with the idea of him not answering. I have no problem with the idea of him answering and declining. But I get nervous when I think about the uncertainty that will come if he says yes. I'm trying to figure out if I'm capable of setting a realistic expectation before I go for it.

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Keep it casual, like a catch up for coffee. Less pressure. That way you can scope things out in case you want to start dating again. Try not to come out of the gate with asking about dating, lay back and gather info first.

I’m thinking of reaching out and suggesting a casual meet up to see where he would stand on that.
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This is tough. you asked him not to contact you but as the dumpee, you should not reach out first.

 

Its like saying to someone, "just checking to see if you still broke up with me".

 

I really believe and follow the adage, you don't have to dump me twice.

 

As a dumper, I don't have the same insecurities. I ended it. if I really wanted a person back, their request to not be friends would not stop me. I am not looking to be friends, so technically, the request doesn't matter.

 

I'd really think about why are you willing to do this? Are you just lonely because you haven't met anyone else?

 

He ended things with you. No matter how amicable it was, wrong time, right person it seemed to you, you only know what he told you.

 

If it's the right person, there usually isn't a wrong time. You're a team working together through life.

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As a dumpee, I would never consider reaching out to someone who likely made a well thought out decision to no longer continue seeing me. Especially seeing your intention is to see if there is anything worth cultivating, 6 months later.

Does this desire to reach out come from the fact that you asked him to not contact you? Do you think anything different would have come of it if you hadn't done that and left the door open?

In my opinion, if he wanted to be with you that wouldn't have stopped him. If it was worth it to him he would have been on your door step asking for your forgiveness for having let you go. But instead he let 6 months pass and got on with his life.

Edited by reinventmyself
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So at the time he asked you out, he did have time to date you, yet 60 days later, was too busy? At the beginning, he felt mentally fine to ask you on some dates, and then during the new highs when excitement and enthusiasm for the new person is usually very high, he pulled the plug when the relationship would start developing into territory where you would be expecting to deepen the relationship.

 

Sounds to me like those are excuses to spare your feelings. I've never once taken back an ex, because either I had thought long and hard about breaking up for good reason, or he'd dumped me, and so I'd expect past behavior would predict future behavior. Dumping usually becomes repetitive, on and off, and I'd rather risk my heart on someone new than to be a yo-yo.

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So at the time he asked you out, he did have time to date you, yet 60 days later, was too busy? At the beginning, he felt mentally fine to ask you on some dates, and then during the new highs when excitement and enthusiasm for the new person is usually very high, he pulled the plug when the relationship would start developing into territory where you would be expecting to deepen the relationship.

 

Sounds to me like those are excuses to spare your feelings. I've never once taken back an ex, because either I had thought long and hard about breaking up for good reason, or he'd dumped me, and so I'd expect past behavior would predict future behavior. Dumping usually becomes repetitive, on and off, and I'd rather risk my heart on someone new than to be a yo-yo.

 

That's how I read it, too.

 

I wouldn't bother reaching out, OP.

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The question is whether her ex would agree to meeting with her if she asked if you are the ex in this case.

 

The answer is yes, I would meet up with you. What your reasons are behind that, I wouldn't assume just from the question alone and I wouldn't judge you for asking me to meet up with you. Life is far too short to hold these kinds of grudges and I wouldn't look into things too deeply.

 

If you wanted to keep meeting up or staying in contact, I might think twice about your intentions or whether I'm misleading you if that's the case. Maybe a conversation to clear the air might help if needed then.

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To be brutally honest, I think you need to work on accepting that if he dumped you after 2 months, it was more of a he wasn't really that into you rather than any wrong timing excuses. A rather common more or less one sided attraction. He might have been attracted and had fun, just not enough to continue on.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, would I agree to meet a dumpee. It depends. If things were fairly casual and ended amicably, I might exactly for the reasons you've listed - maybe I'm bored, curious what they want, willing to be pals if we had shared common interests, etc. I wouldn't go into it expecting to rekindle romance more like to reiterate that I'm not interested in that, especially if I've already rejected them. That said, some people can be opportunistic and if they happen to be on a dry spell, you could be setting yourself up for another fling for a month or two before you get dumped again. So do beware of that as well and be sure you can handle that possibility and the pain that comes with that - used and discarded.

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My ex broke up with me. We didn't get into a huge fight, there was no cheating and neither of us did anything horrible. He just wasn't feeling it (in his words). He said he liked me just fine. He said getting regular sex was cool (he said it was "convenient" for him...big time ouch) and he thought I was a cool person. But that was it. Whatever it was he needed to feel to be in a relationship with me wasn't there. I was absolutely head over heels for him but he obviously didn't feel the same.

 

A few years later he reached out, wanting to "hang out". Even though he broke up with me I was curious to see if I still felt the same way I had before. So we did hang out a couple of times. Interestingly, I felt nothing. I was now the one who wasn't "feeling it". He reached out a couple more times but I just wasn't interested in seeing him anymore.

 

So, maybe this guy you want to meet up with is like my ex. He thinks you're great but he isn't feeling enough to want to be in a relationship. And that doesn't mean you're lacking in some way. You aren't. Perhaps you two just are not right for one another, not because something's "wrong" but because it just isn't the fit he needs it to be.

 

And everyone who reaches out says they are "fine" with whatever the outcome is, then they come back on here posting about how it was a huge mistake and they feel worse than they did before when they didn't get the response they secretly were hoping for. So just be aware of that.

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You seem eager to do this. So make it a quick coffee invite with no expectations of anything. He may not reply, or may not want to go or may be with someone. But if your curiosity is itching you, shoot out a text and see what happens.

So I’m thinking of reaching out and suggesting a casual meet up to see where he would stand on that.

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I guess its me or Im jaded but 2 months doesn't seem like a long time at all. So Im asking how can a 2 month fling there be a dumpee and a dumper? Its not like you two were discussing curtains or blinds.

So OP, thinking in terms of dumpee and dumper puts you at an advantage or disadvantage don't you think? It was only 2 months so how much power can one person really gain over you? I would change the mind set and get rid of the 'dumpee' name tag. Remember, it takes two people to make things work and maybe it was just bad timing, who knows.

So here is the thing. If you can meet him with zero anxiety then why not have a good time? If you two are compatible then you two should be open and free to talk about any subject. I mean the 2 month fling is going to be the elephant in the room so why not just get it out in the open, close out that chapter agree it didn't work out and then start fresh? Once you get past that initial awkwardness, then you two can feel free to be free and open with one another. That's my take

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Hmm. Definitely lots to think about here. I'll admit, I don't know if I really buy into the whole "dumpee should NEVER reach out to the dumper first" perspective. Obviously I agree in extreme situations like manipulation, cheating, abuse, etc...But that's not the case here and there's a lot more context to our unique personalities, the dynamic during the 2 months we dated, the way the "breakup" occurred, and the changes I've encountered individually over the last 6 months since we've spoken than I can include in a brief internet post. So I appreciate and understand the sentiment, but respectfully admit that I don't think it fits here.

 

So OP, thinking in terms of dumpee and dumper puts you at an advantage or disadvantage don't you think? It was only 2 months so how much power can one person really gain over you? I would change the mind set and get rid of the 'dumpee' name tag. Remember, it takes two people to make things work and maybe it was just bad timing, who knows.

 

I think this kind of hits the nail on the head. You're right, I suppose it seems kind of odd to be referring to him as "dumper" and myself as "dumpee" based on the way things went down and the fact that we hadn't even reached official "relationship" status yet anyway. I guess I only think of it that way because he's the one who initially brought it up.

 

Perhaps it might've been better to phrase it differently, like we had a fling and it burned out because life got in the way, but now I'm wondering if there could still be a spark. It's not like we have months/years of memories together to fuel bad blood or extremely strong emotions. In that case I would be more apprehensive about reaching out and would agree more with some of the responses I've gotten here. I think this is more of a "nothing to lose" type situation than people are realizing.

 

You seem eager to do this. So make it a quick coffee invite with no expectations of anything. He may not reply, or may not want to go or may be with someone. But if your curiosity is itching you, shoot out a text and see what happens.

 

You're right about that. I appreciate your straight and to the point advice. I am eager to do this and have been itching to do so for a few months now. It's not an emotional decision I made overnight, so I fully understand the risk that things might not necessarily go the way I want them to in an ideal world. My sense of self-worth/happiness isn't really wrapped up in the outcome of this anyway lol so I think I'll be fine.

 

Anyway. I did end up texting him and asked if he'd like to catch up over a coffee sometime. His response was very friendly and he said he'd be up for it. So that's that! We'll see how it goes and I'll read the vibe from there.

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Go have fun see what happens.

Anyway. I did end up texting him and asked if he'd like to catch up over a coffee sometime. His response was very friendly and he said he'd be up for it. So that's that! We'll see how it goes and I'll read the vibe from there.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Curious as to how this turned out.

As for the "let's catch up." I have a bad recent experience with this, as I was confused at what the repeated efforts of catching up was while I avoided, as the dumpee. In the end it never happened I told them to leave me alone [however this was an 8 year relationship vs the 2 months here.]

Good luck

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I would decide based on how I feel about that person. Certainly, much time has passed to allow for any hurt feelings to dissipate. Looking back, how did I feel about the relationship with them. Frankly, no contact from the person for that period of time makes me a bit cautious as to their motives. If I thought the relationship with them at the time was unhealthy and the compatibility was low, then I would not meet up.

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