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I feel like i have an atypical situation


Jake75

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Ive never posted on a forum before but i need un-biased advice so here goes. Ive been with my gf for 9 months- not a perfect relationship, but we love each other and have always worked through our problems. We’re very different and so far its worked to our advantage (ex she always pushed me to be an extrovert) her family and friends love me, one time her mother pulled me aside and told me i was the best thing to ever happen to her daughter Due to covid she moved back home, about 5 hours away. However i visited her often and we were always fine. Out of the blue, 3 weeks ago she calls me saying that “we just arent meant to be” and it shocked me i didnt know what to do or say. So obviously for a few days i tried to figure out why, and she really couldnt give me an answer, however she said she still loved me and still wanted to be together but didnt think we would work. Well i couldnt think of anything i did wrong... but after 3 weeks ive realized what happened. Since she moved home, i had some really bad family things happen. I have a single mom, and she tried to kill herself 3 months ago. I have a tendancy of thinking problems like that are my fault- and so i took it hard, and didnt tell ANYONE. I just acted like nothing happend, however i realized after the “break” my gf put us on that it had really been hurting our relationship, my relationship with friends, and even my health. I realize thats what happened and now i really want to tell her, but the last time we talked we left it that she would contact me. So what do i do? All the advice online says the same thing- dont contact her, and when you do act as if youre better than youve ever been. Which i have been working out, making money, and fixing relationships in the past 3 weeks. So should i call her and explain? Or should i just wait and see if she contacts me back? I truly love her and i dont know what to do

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I would take her at face value -that she realized she's just not as into you as she thought she was and that there is no future. She may not even know why. I know it hurts and I know it's disappointing and it certainly doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I'd give her twice the space she seems to need. If she wants to contact you to get back together she knows how to do that. I'm sorry things didn't work out. It's nice what her mom said and remember she's the one dating you not her mom.

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Youre right, maybe she did realize that i wasn't the one for her- i could accept that. However we have talked about marriage/kids/ future living arrangements. Since we had been transitioned into long distance (temporarily) we had made plans for her to meet up with me for my birthday. I just dont see why such a serious relationship, would end out of the blue-

with no conversation. And yeah youre right, i am dating her not her mom lol- family is just a big thing to her so i tried to be as close as i could to her family.

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You're going through a lot. Your mum trying to commit suicide, then this sudden break-up. I'm sorry to hear about this.

 

Going through a break-up is very painful and you feel like rubbish. I did. On top of it, I questioned everything. So much unanswered. Things didn't make sense. But here's the truth: Many years after, I'm so grateful that it happened because we weren't really suitable. I just couldn't see it at the time.

 

Trust, that even though this time is really painful right now, you'll be okay in the long-term.

 

Wishing you all the best!

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I'm sorry about your mother, OP. How is she now?

 

You have a lot on your plate, but I am not sure that is what caused the break-up. You're assuming that's what it is but you don't actually know if that's the case. It sounds more like she realized with time apart (due to the pandemic) that she realized she wasn't as interested anymore. Maybe she didn't feel she missed you that much, maybe she's met someone else, maybe once the honeymoon phase was over she understood didn't have the right feelings to continue. The fact that she never previously mentioned it suggests she wasn't interested in making it work. It's a sign of low emotional investment, at least towards the end of the relationship. You could try to explain all the positive changes you want to make, but I don't think you should get your hopes up too much.

 

You mentioned you always worked through your problems, though. Can you elaborate on what sort of problems you two had as a couple, particularly at just 9 months in?

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Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it seems she can't deal with the long distance. Did she go back to a local old flame?

 

9mos is enough time to get an idea about someone but all the future talk was just talk. Don't contact her and especially don't use bad news as a reason. Take care of yourself.

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Youre right, maybe she did realize that i wasn't the one for her- i could accept that. However we have talked about marriage/kids/ future living arrangements. Since we had been transitioned into long distance (temporarily) we had made plans for her to meet up with me for my birthday. I just dont see why such a serious relationship, would end out of the blue-

with no conversation. And yeah youre right, i am dating her not her mom lol- family is just a big thing to her so i tried to be as close as i could to her family.

 

Maybe you tried to be too close too fast?

 

I'm also very sorry about your mom and what you all are going through.

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We can't know for sure or read her mind. The answers are between the both of you. As an outsider, it sounds like neglect in the relationship and you were dealing with a few things without being open with her. This is a lesson if you enter a relationship again not to keep things from your partner because it does affect others around you. I have trouble doing this myself so I understand where you wanted to keep things out of sight, out of mind, and deal with them in your own time. I always wonder that I'm bombarding someone with information that absolutely has nothing to do with the present situation (or so I think) or the relationship so hold back a lot. People are usually surprised. My doctor too recently was not happy with me for not disclosing enough info! Take a time out for now, spend time with family.

 

I don't think reaching out to her is a good idea because it might hurt you. If you feel better about the break up or a bit more stable and not as emotional, reaching out to check in as a friend may bring some closure but generally this holds a person back from moving on.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

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