Whenever I (16f) think about this guy (16m) I feel like a piano falls on my head

[zuzz]

So there's this guy I've known since 6th grade but have been close friends with since June. We used to hang out in a small group of boys and my one female friend, whom we later found out one of the guys had a crush on. She then stopped wanting to hang out around him, and I was too embarrased to talk to just boys (I was 14) so our group kind of drifted apart.

 

After half a year of ignoring each other during recesses, I got a message from one of those guys that he had a crush on me. I remember that I found him really smart and from the conversations we had he seemed really cool and we had similar opinions on various topics. The thing is that I really wanted to see him romantically but somehow I couldn't, as I suspected due to his looks (chubby and not overly attractive) and he also struck me as a bit odd, for example he usually looked as if he was going to fall asleep every minute and had a weird sense of humor (which I later adapted by the way) - also I felt something like a slight pinch in my brain when I was around him or saw him text our group chat (and not in a good/pleasant way).

 

So i ended up telling him that I wasn't ready for a relationship (wow, best response ever), hoping that maybe when I ask him out for prom (or at last our Polish equivalent of prom) and hang out with him in the summer and later I might actually get past the lack of attraction and that emotional distance and weird feeling inside my head and pursue a romantic relationship with him.

 

The thing is that when I did start talking to him after prom, awkwardly but still, every time I woke up and reminded myself that he existed, I felt uncomfortable as if something was falling on my head. I couldn't really explain where it was coming from but I ignored the feeling, thinking that may be how you were supposed to feel. Also, I felt the same way whenever I randomly thought about him - stressed rather than happy. I still ignored it. But even as the relationship progressed the sensation didn't go away, it continued all the way for more than half a year (and I still didn't fall in love!!!). I remember that sometimes I had the desire to hug him or just be slightly affectionate, and I think once the feeling was stronmy dumb then 14-year-old self got carried away and told him I thought I liked him too. I regretted it instantly.

 

I then realised that I've never really felt "this way" about him, never daydreamed about him, never felt butterflies inside my stomach or building attraction. And realised that whenever I saw him waiting for me to hang out I felt this weird pinch/squeeze of ¿stress? inside my brain.

 

Suddenly I stopped wanting to hang out with him, questioning whether I even like him (friendly) or not. I remember that after that confession I cried virtually all the time for about two weeks, rejected his wanting to go out or only did it so that he wouldn't be sad. I realised that when he talked to me about his problems (which I used to be more emotional about but still not fully because of the weird stress sensation and distance I felt) I was completely numb. I remember that I even cried from confusion in his presence but couldn't explain to him what was going on - because what was I supposed to say - I'm questioning whether I like you due to something (a feeling) neither you nor I have control over? Thinking about him leaving my life became something like a paradise.

 

And I did do it, I told him not to talk to me or text me in March this year (and we were in quarantine so no chance of meeting randomly). I remember that it was the biggest relief in my life. I could finally sleep and go on with life peacefully. I did feel bad because I knew he was devastated but like I said earlier I became kind of numb towards his feelings and I was so upset before that i didn't care. Just after I cut him off I suddenly felt as if my world became brighter than it has been since I started being good friends with him. I started calming myself that eventually I'll find someone but after a couple of months I started feeling really bad about it and eventually texted him on my birthday (July). The whole quantine the last thing I wanted was to text him and on my birthday I felt the same way, just couldn't live on with the guilt. When I did reach out and make up with him, I started jumping from slight happiness to huge stress. I knew that it was exchanging one type of unhappiness to another. And this is more or less how I've been feeling since then. Once I want to get rid of him (only because of the feeling) and comfort myself that there's someone out there I'll love unconditionally, and on other times I really want to fall in love with him.

 

The thing is that I COMPLETELY don't understand the way I feel. Honestly, he's great - smart, reliable, affectionate, honest, super into me, ready to make sacrifices and cares about me a lot. He's not perfect, is a bit shy and too sensitive but I feel like it would be something I could help him overcome. We've talked about pretty much everything and agree on most things, our core values align. I feel like there is a weird blockade inside my mind and if I somehow get rid of it my feelings of love for him will just flood me.

 

The thing is that lately I've realised I've always felt that way towards him, liking a lot but at the same time feeling a bit stressed about him and not developing feelings for no apparent reason. For example I realised that things he liked made me stressed and the still do, for example when I leared that he likes Pokemon, I started feeling weird about Pokemon. When I see his profile picture or Instagram photos I feel wierd. I think he has great taste in people but when I learn he's friends with someone I start feeling weird about them, like this bizarre type of stress I don't get.

 

Please, has anyone ever felt this way about anyone? My mom has seen me cry and I tried explaining it to her but she just automatically assumes that he's the bad guy but that is DEFINITELY not the case. I like him but what? Is there possibly a way to just shift the way I feel about him even though I've always felt that way? I thought about this and realised that maybe if he was more attractive (not that he's ugly, actually some girls in class like him but he doesn't) I would feel different, or maybe if he didn't appear so wierd to me at first, maybe because my classmates don't like him and generally a lot of people because he looks/seems like a crackhead? But I really doubt that's the case. And also I'm scared that if someone actually tells me something in the comments I'll fall in love and then, I don't know, get married and later divorce and then blame myself that I tried to force myself and I'm Catholic so I can't remarry. I also let him kiss me and what am i supposed to tell my alleged kids? That it was a stressful experience and that I just suddenly started liking daddy after someone commened on my post talking about him? And that the happiest I ever felt was when I once abandoned daddy? He really loves me and wants to spend time with me and is my only close friend since most ditched me. He even says I can stop talking to him and get a boyfriend if that'll make me happy. Also, I've felt lonely my entire life and he's the only one who gets me. I feel guilty because I thought he'd be the first person I'll genuinely like. He'll probably stick around for a long time and I don't feel like having a crisis about this topic every day for another 10 years. I hurt him all the time not even knowing and I generally feel terrible for befriending him when I knew he had a crush on me and I half-consiously lowkey suspected that I might never fall in love with him.

 

I also find it very hard to make close friends as I don't really very like anyone and I've always felt a bit misunderstood until I met him. I'm scared I'll never have such a close connection with anyone and will always compare every future boyfriend to him and think "Lol I wonder whether HE'd like him.

 

Please, help me explain my feelings! I spent a lot of time explaining the background story so if you don't undestand something and want me to say in detail exactly how I feel then ask in the comment section. Thank you in advance for all the positive responses!!!

 

P.S I know it's not a serious issue but I still hope that people won't be mad about posting such silly threads like mine