What would you do?

[Kaiser_Soze]

So my ex and I have been broken up for 2 years. We have 3 kids together. We still care deeply for each other but can never seem to make a relationship work. She had an affair a few years ago and we tried to make it work after that but couldn't because she still lied and hid things from me (nothing big, but still showed me she hadn't changed) and I'm not one to let betrayal slide. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer as well as Ovary cysts and I know she wants me by her side while shes going through this.

 

She has family but they're not as supportive as they should be. I know I don't want to be with her at all romantically but I feel an obligation to her and the kids to take care of her. Doing so would definitely put my life on hold (business and relationships). She honestly wouldn't be appreciative and it would definitely add a ton of stress in my life and possibly hers. I just cant help the feeling that it's the right thing to do and I don't want my kids to go through that with her. I don't want the weight of her new reality to be put on their shoulders (they are 6, 9 &11). What makes this difficult is she has a great heart but is also toxic af. She's very jealous, constantly says rude things, makes accusations about me being with other women even though we're not together. It's not going to be easy or appreciated either way.

[Wiseman2]

No matter what transpired in the past, she's your kids mother and they need both parents right now to guide and support them. You're doing the right thing stepping up and stepping in on your kids behalf.

We have 3 kids together.

She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer

I just cant help the feeling that it's the right thing to do and I don't want my kids to go through that with her. I don't want the weight of her new reality to be put on their shoulders (they are 6, 9 &11).

[smackie9]

I suggest you seek out a counselor at the cancer clinic. They will help guide you, the kids and her through the process. She calls the shots. If she doesn't want to see you fine. If she needs a ride to her treatment do that for her. You can still carry on with your life as normally as possible. If you and her have a positive attitude, that would help immensely. But yes start with seeing a counselor and do your research on her illness....and please talk to the doctors, ask a lot of questions. Knowledge is power.

[Lambert]

I think as the father of her children and for your children, you do have an important role to play in this.

 

You may not be her partner and her number one support. I think that is ok. You're not together. Your life doesn't need to be completely on hold.

 

I think where you can do the most good is to be there for the children. Help them understand what is happening and how Mom needs love and compassion.

 

I've seen children not understand a parent's illness because... well, they are children. They don't understand and don't have a frame of reference.

 

Its tough on them, they may have fears and emotions that they haven't before. They may not be able to express them. But having a strong dad that gives them the opportunity and encourages them to talk and discuss these kind of heavy topics would help.

 

Talking with them as family unit, then one on one time about what is happening, will help guide you on what you can do to support them. And this might help with the burden on your ex. Her focus needs to be on her treatments.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Thanks for the great responses from all of you! You're all right. I really appreciate it!

[Cherylyn]

Since she's ungrateful and unappreciative, I wouldn't help her, play nursemaid nor caretaker IF both of you didn't share children together. She is the mother of your children and your children are still very young. Be a fine example to your children by manning up and doing the right, honorable thing. If you don't want to help her for her, do it for your children instead. Doing so will teach your children how to be a decent human being. Despite adversity, show class always, carry yourself with aplomb and remain gracious. Rise above it even during your challenging times with her and the mental abuse she will inflict upon you.

[lostandhurt]

This is what I would do:

 

Tell her that you would like to help by taking the children temporarily full time so she can focus on treatment and beating cancer. Let her know you will bring them by anytime she wants to visit and then pick them up later. With this you can make sure the children are well taken care of and that she doesn't have any undo burdens as she gets better.

 

You shouldn't be her caregiver in any capacity as it is not healthy for you as you stated. It may sound harsh but you need to focus on your children and yourself. If you want to do little things for her like pick up groceries once in a while that would be perfectly fine but anything other than outside support should be avoided.

 

Lost

[Andrina]

I agree with lostandhurt. Concentrate on helping her by taking over a large amount of the child care duties since she won't be feeling well during treatment. No, if that was my ex who wanted to emotionally rely on me because she has failed to develop a support system of loved ones, then that's her issue to deal with.

 

When you are not there to fill that void for her, she'll work it out. She's an adult. Besides, looking after 3 children leaves little time to also care for someone that ill. She can ask the relatives to step up and take turns with driving, attending to her when she's ill, cooking and cleaning. If you don't make yourself available, she will be forced to seek out that system herself instead of coming up with excuses and making assumptions. There are also volunteers who drive people in need to the hospital, etc.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Rose Mosse]

Find out more about the cancer and what stage it's at, what her treatment requires. None of the above that you've mentioned may matter for very long and you may find yourself in the position rearing or caring for the kids the majority of the time so any shifts in reality are going to be big shifts and they may come a lot sooner and be a lot bigger than any of you realize. The misgivings, frustration and helplessness you're feeling are all normal. She should speak with a counselor if she's finding it tough to grasp what's going on.

 

When you say that she is "toxic af", I get that. Some people just are. It's up to you whether you create firm boundaries and recognize what you're all dealing with. It takes time to sink in sometimes. Anger is a very common emotion when battling cancer. This is just the go-to reaction for helplessness and total loss of control.

 

Enjoy your time together as a family. Learn more about what stage the cancer is at. Do the kids know about the diagnosis?

 

Regarding your personal life and other commitments, see what items you can put on hold for the next 3-6 months and what items you need to commit to as a matter of your own survival. I think it's important that you start now (after you all learn more about what stage or type of cancer this is), re-envisioning or re-organizing what your priorities are so that you end up making the right choices or spending your precious time and resources on things that help keep the rest of your family safe and well. It won't help anyone if you can't take care of yourself. Your kids still need you. There is never an easy way with cancer - from the info/learning stages and testing (the waiting game) to the surgeries and the chemo and radiation.

 

All of you are in my thoughts. Keep us updated.

 

Also, I just wanted to mention this book really helped: The Cancer Survivors Club https://www.amazon.ca/Cancer-Survivors-Club-Collection-Inspirational/dp/1780747268

[Jibralta]

So my ex and I have been broken up for 2 years. We have 3 kids together. We still care deeply for each other but can never seem to make a relationship work. She had an affair a few years ago and we tried to make it work after that but couldn't because she still lied and hid things from me (nothing big, but still showed me she hadn't changed) and I'm not one to let betrayal slide. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer as well as Ovary cysts and I know she wants me by her side while shes going through this.

 

She has family but they're not as supportive as they should be. I know I don't want to be with her at all romantically but I feel an obligation to her and the kids to take care of her. Doing so would definitely put my life on hold (business and relationships). She honestly wouldn't be appreciative and it would definitely add a ton of stress in my life and possibly hers. I just cant help the feeling that it's the right thing to do and I don't want my kids to go through that with her. I don't want the weight of her new reality to be put on their shoulders (they are 6, 9 &11). What makes this difficult is she has a great heart but is also toxic af. She's very jealous, constantly says rude things, makes accusations about me being with other women even though we're not together. It's not going to be easy or appreciated either way.

 

I think you should do whatever needs to be done in order to support your children through this crisis. Don't worry so much about being appreciated. This is about supporting and protecting your family, not about looking like a 'good guy.' It's time to press forward and do what needs to be done.

[HeartGoesOn]

In spite of what happened between you and your ex, the kindest thing you can do is to be good to their mother. This should not be about an eye for an eye, but rather doing the right thing for both you and your children.

 

I'm sure when all is said and done, you'll have no regrets.