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Breaking up after 10 years... Is there any hope?


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That will be long and badly written post, as I am not native speaker. I hope I can describe my situation properly...

 

I was in 10 years old relationship. I meet my BF when I was 18, he was 19. That was strong relationship from the beginning, and we went through many difficult situations - moving from city to city, finding first new jobs, once I was jobless for a while and he helped me, once he was jobless for a while and I helped him, - many stressful situations, and we handled it together. And we lived our life for years, it wasn't 100% easy and non problematic, we had issues with each other. For example we gained some weight - we were lazy, no sport in our life, no one was willing to cook, so we most of the time ordered food, which wasn't very healthy. He was angry at himself and me that were fat, we had many attempts to loose weight, but it failed again and again cos we hadn't strong will, and he mostly throw all response on my side, I had to do our healthy menu, because he didn't even know what he wanted to eat. So I failed being fit, i wasn't enough strong will for our two. It will be important later on my story.

 

For many years I didn't want any commit from his side - I even didn't want into marriage thoughts. I thought that it isn't necessary for us. But about 1,5 years ago things has changed - I wanted from my life more. I wanted to change something. We lived together in his apartament for five years which was totally mess - it had to be completely renovated. It looked like drugs addict den - old, falling wallpapers, cheap floors that was moving etc. I wanted to change that, even if this wasn't my flat, I started to talk with him about renovate this, because this level of mess caused like I feel depressed, and he too. That wasn't a place you want to back every day, but you still have to. He don't want to do this at first, but I insisted, I want made a place for proper living for us. After time he agreed, but he was low on money, so he decided to do all renovation for his own hand to save possible as many money as he could. And this was a fall for our relationship.

 

At first, he assume that all of it will take him alone three months. On this time, I moved to my family house, and he moved to his. But things wasn't so easy like he saw it - when he break all uneccesary walls and destroyed everything in this apartment, we realize that it will take much more time than we assumed. After three months, where we lived separately, but still in contact eye to eye every day, I started to loosing my patience - I started to insist on hiring professional people to do this renovation. I was so desperate, that I wanted even pay for this (he won't accept any money from me for this renovation, as we weren't married and apartment was his), beacuse he worked about 8 hours six times a week, and doing this renovation jobs after work, he was stressed, exhausted, depressed, had no time for me or his passions. I support him every way I was able to, I even cooked him dinners at my family home, and delivered it to him, as his own mother didn't have time to even do groceries (she's jobless, only his father works) I started to pushing on him, as I had enough living separately. I often told him that he works too much. Half year from starting renovation, one day he lost his mind when I started to talk about this situation - and he break up with me. He told that he is not seeing future with me, he don't even know if he love me anymore, that I stressed him so badly he can handle it anymore.

 

I was devastated. He crushed my heart. I went into my family house, and for three days I don't even eat anything, I couldn't do anything, I was simply a zombie. That was before New Year. After 3 days I started to live somehow, I even go to New Year party with my friends, and when I went into drunk phase I was partying pretty not bad. Five days after breakup I contacted him, we met because I want to talk about getting from him my stuff, and he looked terrible. I told him that I want to take my things when he will have time, he started to crying, I told him if he will want to talk to me about us, he should contact him, and I left him. He called me next day, ask for meeting, we met up and he... He crawled at me, begged me for forgivness, told me that I am love of his life, that he made a worst decision in his life when he break up with me. He spent this five days of breakup lying on the floor and drinking in lonely (and he never was into alcohol) I was still devastated, but I forgave him. We reconcilied at that time.

 

This short breakup was like a alarm clock for me. I decided to cut off from this renovation, as all my help for him didn't work, and it only get things worse. I concentrated on myself this turn - I went to professional dietician. I started to loosing weight. Guys, this aspect of my life changed about 180 degrees, I did one thing, that we always wanted - but alone. I lost 21 kg in seven months! Learnt how to live in fit way, have healthy diet and habits. I started to try new things, like swimming pool, and painting. I stopped ask him about this apartament, I didn't want to pressure him. He told me at first days of reconcilliation that he want to make this renovation for us, and he will show me progress over time.

After three months there was no clear progress in this flat. This situation clearly overgrown him, and he can't handle this. I started to doubting in him, I was so worry about his health and wealth, I started ask him again about situation. He wasn't into talk about his problems. I finally gave him an ultimatum - he will borrow money from his father (who proposed it to him by himself earlier, but my BF don't want it) and hire some professionals, or I never return to this apartment ever. That was harsh, but I did it not for me wanting this apartament, but I couldn't watch him being more and more exhausted and depressed. Frankly, at this moment I didn't believe in my returning to this apartament ever... And he agreed. He hire some man, who have time in half of August. And he went colder and colder for me. Man, who spoke after proposal to me, after our return. That was first time, when I hear from him, that he want to marry me in the future... He never told me earlier that he want marry me.

 

4th of July he came into my place, where we were alone, I was preparing something good to eat for us, we were laying naked on the bed and cuddling, and he started talk about this renovation. That was from his side, I didn't even ask. I reply something about it, don't remember what, but this conversation went crazy, he lost his mind again, he started to cry (that was second time I saw him crying, he's like a bear not a man), he told me AGAIN that he doesn't know what he want, that I pressured him and I was not being supportive - at this moment I lost my mind and cold blood, and shouted at him, that for first half year of this renovation I would sell organs for him, I cooked for him, I helped him doing things in this apartment, and then HE DUMPED ME, so how i could be supportive after this all? He broke my heart, and do very little to our relationship, as he was busy with work and renovation. He apologized me for this, but continued talking about me pressuring him by my asking about progress, and it was like he was looped in my mistakes from first half year of renovation - which I try to not continue later, but he seems like he didn't noticed. He told me that there is no spark between us. That our relationship is not working. That i was never into his passions (he plays music), that I was never willing to go to his family (which is true, but I don't want to contact his family much, because I feel so insecure about him) That he don't know what he want. And he want to break with me. I asked him to say that he don't love me. He said that. Later I asked him, if he told me that, because is it true, or I asked for it? He told, that he don't know if he love me, but he don't want to keep me in that state second time. Told me, that he was so much caring for me, but now he can see us only as a friends, as he can't imagine me not being in his life at all.

 

A man, who two months ago was talking about proposal, marriage, even kids with me, now gone. I don't understand this situation at all.

 

I wrote to him on messenger enormous message that I love him, I want for us everything best etc. He don't replied. The next day I asked for talk, he agreed, I told him that I think, that he is under so pressure with this renovation, that he isn't thinking clearly. That he needs help, because it seems like he have serious depression. He told me that he feels so bad, everything gone wrong, he wont even take care of me because all his money go into this renovation (I can't understand this argument as I have stabile, well paid job and take care of myself, really) and he needs time. I asked how much, week, two? He said that he don't know, month, maybe two. I said well, okay. I would not contact you, but you are still very important to me.

 

And i went into NC. Today is 29 day of completely no contact. I was like zombie for two first weeks. Now I'm feeling much better, but still crying and thinkig of him every second. I love him so much, but I don't want to live like this. I don't want to even contact to him. I want him so badly, and in this time I don't want him at all.

 

Please, tell me something. Anything.

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Letting go is hard, especially after 10 years. I think you know what you have to do. Maybe he was having second thoughts when he threw a marriage proposal out there as a hail mary, but it sounds like he has now made up his mind that the relationship is over. I don't see it as any kind of loss for you. This is a man who let something as simple as a home remodel fester and destroy your relationship, when it could have easily been solved in so many ways..whether that be communication, financial help from you or others, etc. You've seen how well you can do when you are rid of him. Keep that energy going and best of luck. It's for the better.

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Honestly, the whole first half was "we need to lose weight" "we both got depressed" like you are one person. I think you both lost yourselves in the relationship and didn't take time to develop yourselves as individuals. A breakup is the best course of action.

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Imo, your relationship has run its cycle. It is over. Even if you two got back together a second time, you would probably break up again. Sadly, you are no longer good for each other. You bring out the other's bad self. Do not make the mistake of trying to stay friends. It would give you false hope and prolong your pain. The fastest way to heal is stay no contact. Try to stay away from finding out what he does from now on. Finding out new information about your ex after a break up is irrelevant and will keep you stuck in the past and damage your healing. He has a lot of growing up to do and sadly he has to do it on his own or he will keep blaming you for his bad habits and change nothing.

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I’m sorry but you brought the demise on yourself.

 

You lived in HIS apartment for years, YOU were not happy with it. YOU insisted on him getting it renovated.

 

He didn’t have the money to get it done professionally.

At that point you had better options. Could have sold his apartment and bought a new one together, perhaps.

 

So, he obliged YOU and started doing the renovations himself.

But YOU were not happy with the progress.

Geez! Give the man a break!

He works full time! So a couple of hours here and there to do a major renovation removing walls etc is of course going to take a very long time.

 

It would take a team of 10 professionals to complete that in a month. Working full time.

 

You seem to think that cooking for him on his 12 hr days was something to be be proud of?

 

And I fail to see why his mother had no time to do groceries because she is jobless?

Being jobless but with a husband working means she has all day to do groceries.

 

I feel so sorry for your ex tbh.

 

He is surrounded by women, who want things done but won’t do any of it themself?

 

You are not the girl for him.

 

Grieve the loss, stay no contact and learn from mistakes I guess!?

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I’m sorry but you brought the demise on yourself.

 

You lived in HIS apartment for years, YOU were not happy with it. YOU insisted on him getting it renovated.

 

He didn’t have the money to get it done professionally.

At that point you had better options. Could have sold his apartment and bought a new one together, perhaps.

 

So, he obliged YOU and started doing the renovations himself.

But YOU were not happy with the progress.

Geez! Give the man a break!

He works full time! So a couple of hours here and there to do a major renovation removing walls etc is of course going to take a very long time.

 

It would take a team of 10 professionals to complete that in a month. Working full time.

 

You seem to think that cooking for him on his 12 hr days was something to be be proud of?

 

And I fail to see why his mother had no time to do groceries because she is jobless?

Being jobless but with a husband working means she has all day to do groceries.

 

I feel so sorry for your ex tbh.

 

He is surrounded by women, who want things done but won’t do any of it themself?

 

You are not the girl for him.

 

Grieve the loss, stay no contact and learn from mistakes I guess!?

 

I don't say that I was perfect, I wasn't. I pushed him too much, even if I know that he worked so hard. But that was the reason why I insisted to hiring some professionals, which he denied.

I can't agree with your statement, that ,,I want things done but won't do any of myself". Year before renovation I decided to do small refresh of our bedroom, because it was all mess and unhealthy. I'm allergic and nor I or him were sleeping good, so with his small help (he took away all furnitures from this room) I get off old wallpapers, get off old floor, get off old ceiling (there was some styrofoam panels on it) I put new gypsium finishing on all walls and ceiling, painted them all and put new panels on the floor. I did it mostly myself, and was proud af, comfort of living and sleeping in this room raises significally. And it took me a good month to do all of this, but was worth.

 

In this time of the great renovation I worked normally, then go for groceries, return home, cooked for him, packed it, delivered to him, and stayed in this apartament to do job, which I could handle. I worked there too, to the point where it wasn't any further jobs for me. It was not like that I was sitting like a princess and waited for miracle. I was so pissed for his mother, because she was so unsupportive, for her son and her husband. She was all day for herself, but did nothing. On the other hand, she hadn't to.

 

Thank you all for opinions. I know that my relationship is over. I just can't let hope, that some day we will be better persons for each other.

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Honestly, I think this ending is for the best. You started dating very young and you've grown to be different people. Literally grew apart. You matured and the life and living situation was no longer acceptable to you. You are not wrong in that.

 

Unfortunately, he didn't actually grow up at all. Your relationship dynamic has always been somewhat toxic where he blamed you for his issues, acted like a child, and expected you to mommy him. That's not ok. Thing is that he is now a fully matured man who is still acting and living like a manchild and that will never change.

 

You've dodged a bullet here. He is still blaming you, he refuses to accept help, he refuses to behave like an adult and when confronted pitches a tantrum and blames you. Imagine living the rest of your life like this - living in a dump, projects started and never finished, fights, blameshifting, refusing help to complete things, etc. It's not a life and relationship I'd wish even on my worst enemy. I know from life experience that these types of men do not grow up, do not change.

 

Best that you heal and move on and eventually you'll find a better man and given the low bar, won't be difficult.

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I’m sorry but you brought the demise on yourself.

 

You lived in HIS apartment for years, YOU were not happy with it. YOU insisted on him getting it renovated.

 

He didn’t have the money to get it done professionally.

At that point you had better options. Could have sold his apartment and bought a new one together, perhaps.

 

So, he obliged YOU and started doing the renovations himself.

But YOU were not happy with the progress.

Geez! Give the man a break!

He works full time! So a couple of hours here and there to do a major renovation removing walls etc is of course going to take a very long time.

 

It would take a team of 10 professionals to complete that in a month. Working full time.

 

You seem to think that cooking for him on his 12 hr days was something to be be proud of?

 

And I fail to see why his mother had no time to do groceries because she is jobless?

Being jobless but with a husband working means she has all day to do groceries.

 

I feel so sorry for your ex tbh.

 

He is surrounded by women, who want things done but won’t do any of it themself?

 

You are not the girl for him.

 

Grieve the loss, stay no contact and learn from mistakes I guess!?

 

Wow this obviously strikes some kind of personal chord with you. I think your reply is extremely rude.

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I know your ex-boyfriend works full-time, but you also work, right? So equally you are busy. And it sounds like you actually were supportive and you did a lot of things for him. You were also happy even to give him money for the apartment renovations to help him with financial costs. And he did not accept this. To me personally it sounds like you did nothing wrong. You were together for ten years, that is a very long time. It's not wrong at all that you want to think about your future, a long lasting relationship, and marriage. You are now 28 years old and wanting that at your age is very normal.

 

It sounds like the apartment you were in definitely needed to be renovated, it sounds like it wasn't even safe to live in. You have a right to live in a safe and comfortable place, especially if you are married and if you wanted children. It not safe for little kids to run around on a floor that's unstable and they could fall and hurt themselves. You were thinking of the future and planning for a mature life. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend was actually thinking that.

 

He's 29 years old and it doesn't sound like he actually wants to take responsibility for his actions. If he's overweight and just kept eating unhealthy food, it was his responsibility to change his diet, do exercise and start being healthy. It wasn't just your responsibility to cook him healthy meals and look after him like he's a child. I understand that you were pushing him a lot about the apartment. But you had a reason for doing that. The reason was that your boyfriend was taking really long to get it fixed and he wasn't really doing anything about the issues. For example, not hiring professional trade workers to fix the apartment. I'm sure if your boyfriend was doing the right things, you would not have been nagging and pushing him.

 

If he wants to blame you for his own immature behaviours, then it's probably for the best this relationship is over. These things that you didn't like you pushing him, at 29 years old he should have already been doing on his own. Then he got mad that you're actually asking him to be an adult and show you that he's serious about your future and your relationship. He talked about marriage but this is not how you behave in a marriage. Marriage is about compromise and working as a team and caring about your partner's feelings.

 

The good thing is you lost 21 kg, I'm sure you look great! Maybe it's an opportunity to meet a new man. You're so much smaller now, you're mature, you work. You are a good catch! Don't waste your time on your ex anymore. I'm 35 and single, never married, no kids. Time goes by fast and life is too short to waste it on the wrong person who doesn't share your values and doesn't make you happy. If you want marriage with a mature man, then you need to look for someone else

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I’m sorry but you brought the demise on yourself.

 

You lived in HIS apartment for years, YOU were not happy with it. YOU insisted on him getting it renovated.

 

He didn’t have the money to get it done professionally.

At that point you had better options. Could have sold his apartment and bought a new one together, perhaps.

 

So, he obliged YOU and started doing the renovations himself.

But YOU were not happy with the progress.

Geez! Give the man a break!

He works full time! So a couple of hours here and there to do a major renovation removing walls etc is of course going to take a very long time.

 

It would take a team of 10 professionals to complete that in a month. Working full time.

 

You seem to think that cooking for him on his 12 hr days was something to be be proud of?

 

And I fail to see why his mother had no time to do groceries because she is jobless?

Being jobless but with a husband working means she has all day to do groceries.

 

I feel so sorry for your ex tbh.

 

He is surrounded by women, who want things done but won’t do any of it themself?

 

You are not the girl for him.

 

Grieve the loss, stay no contact and learn from mistakes I guess!?

 

I have to respectfully disagree with you Billie. She works too and she WAS helping with the apartment. She was also cooking, cleaning, and even offered him money to pay to fix the apartment. They were equal in their situation, both working. She did want to "do it herself" because her idea was to hire professionals to work on the apartment. If her and the ex boyfriend don't really know how to do handiwork, how was she supposed to "do it herself"? She wanted to help financially which was her best ability, as she is not a qualified tradesman.

 

She had a right to push him because the apartment was in a terrible state and she also lived there for FIVE years. It was also her home. She had a right to have a say and to live in a safe, comfortable place. Her boyfriend talked about marriage so she had a right to know what her future with him was going to look like. She looked after him so why can't she ask that he take care of her too?

 

And you have to admit it's not attractive when a 29-year-old man only eats unhealthy take away food and lives in a pigsty apartment. She called it "drug addict's house". So obviously it was really bad. Would you want to be with a guy who lived like this? I think most people wouldn't. I think your response was unfair and rude.

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I have to respectfully disagree with you Billie. She works too and she WAS helping with the apartment. She was also cooking, cleaning, and even offered him money to pay to fix the apartment. They were equal in their situation, both working. She did want to "do it herself" because her idea was to hire professionals to work on the apartment. If her and the ex boyfriend don't really know how to do handiwork, how was she supposed to "do it herself"? She wanted to help financially which was her best ability, as she is not a qualified tradesman.

 

She had a right to push him because the apartment was in a terrible state and she also lived there for FIVE years. It was also her home. She had a right to have a say and to live in a safe, comfortable place. Her boyfriend talked about marriage so she had a right to know what her future with him was going to look like. She looked after him so why can't she ask that he take care of her too?

 

And you have to admit it's not attractive when a 29-year-old man only eats unhealthy take away food and lives in a pigsty apartment. She called it "drug addict's house". So obviously it was really bad. Would you want to be with a guy who lived like this? I think most people wouldn't. I think your response was unfair and rude.

 

 

Re read her opening post. They both were living in his apartment. It was only 1.5 years ago that she decided she wanted to renovate his apartment.

 

When she described his apartment as a drug addicts den , that was after her living there for years! She was a contributor to the state of the place as much as he was. She admitted they both ate unhealthily , both gained weight and neither cooked.

 

Would I want to live with a guy like that? No.

But she did because she was exactly the same.

They both lived like that together for years.

 

If she wanted change she could move out.

 

So no, my post was not rude. It was realistic and to the point.

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  • 5 months later...
Posted (edited)

Hi guys, 

Today is exactly five months from the breakup. I want to share some updates from my life with you. 

He reached out after two months - he wanted to give me my graphic card back. I didn't want it, I didn't want to see him, but he insisted and we met - I was so cold at the beginning and we started to talk, he apologized me, cried out like a baby. I asked him if he is doing better without me - he said that no, and he is missind me. When I saw what terrible state of mind he had, all that crying, I broke and hugged him. We were talking and hugging few hours, even kissed. I thought that we can work it out. He was talking to me after this on messenger a little, was hot and cold in this. He asked me week later for another meet and he was so weird - he told me that he will probably love me forever, but don't want to be with me, that I am beautiful, next that I wasn't doing things for him etc. That meeting was full of his regret about everything and about how I treated him - he started to throw things on me, like everything was my fault again. Despite that he again hugged and kissed me, holding me and not wanted to let me go. I still loved him (I said that to him, I know now that I shouldn't), and became more and more clingy, I asked about third meeting week later - things became even more weird, he started to distance yourself from me mentally, but physically - let's be honest - he just wanted to *** me, probably last time. I didn't sleep with him, I asked him to not play with my feelings. Another week I asked him again for meet. He was absolutely distant at this time - mentally and physically. He even didn't want to talk to me. That was our last meet. He told me then that he thinks, we cannot make it - it lasted for too long, damages been done, he can't forgive me what I did to him, he can't forgive himself, I don't even know, what about he was talking about... He told me also, that he doesn't want to be with me. Maybe in future he said... I asked if he want to try with another woman, he said ,,in future, yes". That was final for me.

So now it's another two month NC after I saw him last time. It exhausted me mentally to the border. Now I'm fine, but when I was meeting him, I was like in mental breakdown. When I'm looking at this situation now, without rose-coloured glasses, I see a weak man with Peter Pan syndrome. I gave him all me, and it still wasn't enough, and never will be. I did nothing evil to him. He's major accuse to me was that I wasn't supportive after he break with me first time and YEAR in separation, with broken house. Even his best friend (he repairs my car) told me, that he can't understand his decision, that I wasn't maybe perfect, but I have some character traits which every woman should have, and it sounded like if he was in my ex's shoes, he won't let me go. 

In summary after 5 months after breakup my ex's still live with his parents, with shattered flat (1,5 year of renovation, still can't live there), with shattered relationship, still obese (there always was his problem, still did nothing to change it). He is alone. 

I blossom on every field on my life - I lost another kilograms (30 in total), I went to a five month lenght course and found a job after only 1,5 month as a QA tester, I rent a flat, I have everything changed in my life for better. I'm totally happy for this. I'm doing great. I can't lie, it still hurts, but I can do better. I don't want him anymore. He was like ball and chain. And he had the impudence to told me on our last meeting, that he thought I can't handle without him. 

I couldn't handle WITH him. 

Edited by Florielle
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Listen to "Survivor" by Destiny's Child.  A totally empowering song without bitterness.  I listened to it a LOT after I was broken up with.  I made a CD (back when people did that lol) of a bunch of empowering songs and it helped me a lot.

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42 minutes ago, Florielle said:

He was like ball and chain. And he had the impudence to told me on our last meeting, that he thought I can't handle without him. 

I couldn't handle WITH him. 

Bravo, Florielle. 

I hope others who are in a difficult situation are reading your post. 

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Good work getting your life back on track! It sounds like you're outgrowing what you had or experienced. 

Maybe it's not a good idea to meet him again so soon if you can help it. Give yourself more time.

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Wonderful update and ALWAYS a welcome thing on this site.  

I hope you can see that getting away from him was the key to your success.  No matter how much you may have wanted to improve yourself and life he was to much of a hinderance for any meaningful improvement.

I hope you never see or speak to him ever again.  There is just no reason to expose yourself to that.  If you do ever consider it please ask yourself this one question "What good would come from seeing him again?"  

I am happy your life is going so well but don't take your foot off the gas, you have so much more you can achieve.  

 

Best wishes

  Lost

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Thank you guys. You are the best.

14 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Wonderful update and ALWAYS a welcome thing on this site.  

I hope you can see that getting away from him was the key to your success.  No matter how much you may have wanted to improve yourself and life he was to much of a hinderance for any meaningful improvement.

I hope you never see or speak to him ever again.  There is just no reason to expose yourself to that.  If you do ever consider it please ask yourself this one question "What good would come from seeing him again?"  

I am happy your life is going so well but don't take your foot off the gas, you have so much more you can achieve.  

 

Best wishes

  Lost

I see clearly now that I am strong women, who is capable to do things and live life on her own. When the breakup was fresh, I felt so powerless and vulnerable, I thought myself that I can't do anything on my own, but that was simple BS. I can do everything that I want, I take what I want.

16 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Good work getting your life back on track! It sounds like you're outgrowing what you had or experienced. 

Maybe it's not a good idea to meet him again so soon if you can help it. Give yourself more time.

I wasn't planning to see him, I don't want. I don't know, if this will be possible in future from my and his side.

 

My greatest fear by now is that he will contact me somehow. He wrote to me one message month ago, he was angry for me for contacting his best friend (he is, as I said before, mechanic and repairs my ***ty car in low cost - car, which my ex chose, BTW) and that was like punch on the face. I didn't reply to him, not even open his message, I saw only pop-up on screen. He deleted this one day after.

 I'm afraid one thing - that there is possibility, when he will finish this flat (maybe in one year, maybe two...), he will sat in the middle of this and realise, what he had done and lord, I wish, I will be far away.

Or he will never contact me, which will be really nice. 

Thanks again, if anything interesting will happen in my life, I will share it, because this forum and threads there helped me a lot and I wish my story will help someone too.

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You can block him. It's not "harsh", "immature" or "unnecessary" and saying things like "I don't block" is counterproductive. If the thought of contact from him upsets you, block! Simple.

It's your life, not his. You choose who you allow into it, not anyone else.

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39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's your life, not his. You choose who you allow into it, not anyone else.

Cut him out completely.  That is the mature and responsible way to do it!

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