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Don't want to make a fool of myself again


Mets6986
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I found the You Tube Channel of a friend who I no longer have contact with on any level. I worked with her, We were good friends, I was toxic our friendship ended but we still worked together I got help left her alone (Unless something work related happened which was rarely) I don't know why maybe she saw me grow as a person and she told a mutual friend that she wanted to be friends with me again. I was both happy and scared. Happy that she saw me grow as a person but scared if we became friends again I would fall back again. I told the mutual friend that I have nothing but love for this person because by God putting her in my life I felt so blessed that I grew as a person, So anyway a few months later I got a transfer and I knew I was never going to see or hear from this person ever again (unless God has other plans) I thought about saying nothing but then I though no, This person was special to me and God blessed me by putting her in my life. So I gave her a little good bye ceremony. She had told me she wanted to be writer so I gave her a blank journal and wrote some inspirational things, I told her she was a blessing in her life. I gave her three ribbons two blue one pink, I said it was symbolic since I was not going to be around The pink was if she ever had a baby girl. The blue was for a baby blue and the last blue was if she ever got married and needed something blue. The final thing I gave her a pen which I had engraved with an acronym starting with her initials and the letters MJBYLYAKY GB which I told her was acronym for MAY JESUS BLESS YOU LOVE YOU AND KEEP YOU GOD BLESS. Saying goodbye like this made it so much easier to let go and I hope it did the same for her too, I am not saying I never think of her or I never miss her or that I never reflect back on my mistakes sometimes. But I just want her to be happy in her life, Anyway for some unknown reason I looked at her You Tube channel and I noticed she changed her profile pic (She had not posted in many years so I just assumed it was doormat) So an idea came into my head to wish her a happy birthday but how do I do this on a public forum and not embarass her (One of my toxic traits was that I did not respect social media boundaries to say the least. So how do I do this,My you tube channel does not have my name but she might be able to guess it was me For example I might wright something like For all those out there who like Michael Jackson and don't want to BEAT IT (The song) I would like to wish you all a very Happy birthday and for a special friend who because God put that person in my life I grew as a person May Your Silver (she turns 25) year and every year after bring you closer to your golden dreams. The end, My meaning is for it to be an eternal birthday wish,Kind of to let her know in a way that although our season in life is over, She is not forgotten. BUT I am torn about whether this is a good idea or not. Part of me says It is a great idea and might make her birthday a little bit special. and ANOTHER part of me says Leave it alone. The way you said goodbye was more than enough Thank You all in advance for taking the time and any opinions that will help me decide one way or the other,\

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A few questions before commenting further:

 

1) In which ways were you toxic in the friendship?

 

2) In which ways did you not respect social media boundaries before?

 

3) How did she respond to the parting gift you gave her years ago?

 

4) How long has it been since you last had any contact with her?

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If she hasn't reached out to you since then, don't approach her. You're coming across as a bit obsessed and scary. There are way too many gifts and the proclamations from God are over the top. I'm of Catholic background and still consider this my religion and culture. It's a big part of my life but I don't go around blessing everything or everyone I wish was in my life. Don't be that person.

 

If you respect her, keep your distance and don't bother this person. Focus on yourself, enjoy this life.

 

Wishing you peace.

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I think your right. I just needed to write it out and get a different perspective. I never thought I would end on good terms with her after I was toxic with her, The fact that she saw me change my behavior and forgave me was a miracle of itself and enough Why ruin that Thank You.

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Do you have a spiritual outlet or spiritual counselor at a local church? There are ways to get involved and do work with others who are likeminded or on a similar spiritual path. You seem like a caring person. It's just misdirected at the moment towards one person and focused a bit too much on this particular person.

 

I'm a bit limited in my neighbourhood as the local parish is antiquated but something I've looked into recently are other parish programs taught or counseled and reading material I can order off of Amazon. There's lots to explore so don't feel limited to your local parish/church opportunities either or feel discouraged if the groups or communities offered are exclusive or not interesting to you. Don't be afraid to practice your faith and explore other ways to be connected or bring meaning to your life or others.

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There is of course a whole lot more to my story that I left out but I left them out because I just wanted to focus on what I asked and just writing about it really helped as did any replies. The same way therapy made me realize some things when all this almost turned out very bad, (Someday I may post about it but not now) I realized something else in how I was wrong with all that birthday nonsense. I did that Goodbye ceremony my next to last day because I knew in my heart that it was best that we never speak to each other again. But I wanted her to know as best I could that I truly believe that God putting her in my life was a blessing. I told her that (and I am not going to here either now) I can't tell you what it is (I was afraid if I did I would undo it) But the best way I could describe it would be Imagine if someone you love was dying and all you want is for them to get better and then they do and then you win a million dollars. I did that the day before because my last day I wanted to say Goodbye to all my other co workers and I wanted it to be lighthearted and fun, But the very last thing and I asked her and a mutual friend who was a good friend to both of us when my obsessing almost ruined anything if I could walk her out and she said yes. When the time came to say Goodbye Forever, I made a corny joke about if she ever became famous author I am going to go and sing some corny work related song I made up about her. She and the mutual friend said they both had a feeling I would sing that song. I of course did it because I wanted my last moment with her to be light hearted and funny and also if I did not I was going to break down and I did not want that. Her ride was beeping the horn so I just gave her a quick hug She did not respond like the day before when she hugged me back. I am sure in time she will forget about me because she has so many people and places to meet and go she has not yet and if she does remember me I know that she is going to remember all the bad and the good about me. But I hope with the way we ended, I hope she more remembers me in a positive light as someone who truly loved her as a friend and cared for her. As for my whole birthday idea I agree that was over the top and too much but maybe asking our mutual friend to just wish her a plain Happy Birthday. And who knows maybe in 10-20 years we will meet again and she will tell me how great her life is and I will be so happy for her and I will tell her how my life got so much better over the years because of the blessing I received because God put her in my life. The truth is my whole experience both the good and the bad Humbled me to my core and I am so thankful and blessed and I like to think that despite my mistakes and wrongs and their is no denying that I believe that God truly saw that despite my flaws I had goodness in my heart and blessed me and I want him to bless her all the days of her life. Finally I said earlier I would not be surprised if someday she forgot me and that is okay but I will never forget her and she will always have a soft spot in my heart. P.S, A couple of things I forgot to add about the Goodbye, When I got my transfer notice a week before I told her I was leaving, She said to me, I am going to miss you and I then said You know I am not a hugger but on my last day I am going to give you a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and she gave me a huge smile like she did when we were friends before my obssessing scared her away and That made me feel so good inside.

Edited by Mets6986
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Bobby

 

I could read your second wall n of text. It's helpfill and you're likely to get more responses with smaller paragraphs.

 

That said, I did read the first post. why are you so consumed with this former friend?

 

Can you just pray for her from afar?

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Hi Before I go on, I think I said this before but if not I am not going to do anything, No happy birthday No nothing, I did the goodbye the way I described for two reasons I really feel that God put her as a blessing in my life (As I said earlier I may or may not someday post that story I just do not want to now because it would be overdoing it more than I already have) and 2 at the time I knew I would never speak or see her again on any social media platform. As much as I miss her it has to be this way for so many reasons. The birthday on You Tube idea no matter how anonymous it may have been was a bad idea. The good idea though that I learned from someone was to share my idea BEFORE I did something stupid, So that maybe someone would point out (And THANK YOU ALL) before I did something that blew up in my face as opposed to the past when I would write AFTER everything blew up in my place. I do admit that the Goodbye which I did not tell anyone could have blown up in my face and I even had doubts after despite how well it seemed to go off. I asked our mutual friend is she thought I made a mistake and She said No it was perfect as it was. So I leave it at that. Finally When I say I miss her, I do not mean I miss her like I want her back in my life. I do not. I learned the hard way last year because I did not let go when I should have, That when you really love someone you have to let them go. I am just thankful she saw me change as a person enough so she saw in her heart to forgive me and that I was able to tell her she was a blessing in my life. I will end now with this. When we were friends before things turned bad with me. She came to ask me and asked me a question, " Can you control who you like?" I said no I do not think so but I do think you can control HOW you like them, Little did I know that a year later I would do a horrible job. But thankful to groups like this, my therapist,some very close friends I can truly trust and a wonderful audio book I discovered indirectly as a result of Therapy called CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL BY NAPOLOLEAN HILL all I can say is I may not make all the right decisions but now I have the tools to make less disastrous decisions so THANK YOU ALL

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Here is a brief description of my story. In other words I am not going into details (that would take too long) Also if it seems I am trying to deflect blame I am not I AM AT FAULT it is the ONLY way I was able to learn and grow (and I am still learning as you saw by my bad idea) and . 1, PRE STORY.One day maybe months before I ever Met this girl at work I just said one day to no one I can't feel. Nothing made me sad or happy. My wife and I who I loved drifted apart and she was emotionally abusive (Which I caused because I was lazy and obsessed with sports and did not do my fair share, I also do not deal well with yelling so she would call me all sorts of names and tell me to kill myself and for the most part I just stayed quiet because if I fueled her it would just get worse when I spoke. I met Jenny (not her real name if course in 2017 at first she was just another young co worker, who I helped when asked like anyone else, There was NO friendship at this time At the same time (and this is important because the timeline is part of why I believe she was a blessing. I got word that I was going to be transfered close to home. I was happy but then someone else with more seniority had a grievance and got it. Very soon after She came to talk to me (as others had done before and since because I listen) But this was different in some way because what she said to me like how she was picked on, Reminded me so much of myself when I was her age. (Before I go on I want to make this VERY CLEAR, No matter how much my feelings developed for this girl I would NEVER act upon them other than being overly nice because in no particular order 1 I am married. 2. Our age difference. 3 I came to care for her and doing anything like that would have meant I did not really care for her and that I did not love her as a friend which I did) Now back to the story. As I said my heart went out to her and she would ask me things and come to talk to me about things I had no clue for like her nails but I liked it., I even bought her a cake for her birthday which felt right at the time but I since realized was way over the line, My friend almost talked me out of it When he asked, Aren't you afraid she will catch feeling and I said No (If I even thought for a second that she felt the same about me I NEVER would have done that because of the reasons I stated) I told my friend No, I am so much older and dress like a slob, What young girl would be attracted to someone like that? He said Your right, I was just enjoying being nice to someone. After that though I was going to back off, Then on Valentine's day she posted she was depresses and I was stuck in an airport and posted a lot to cheer her up on her wall, Anyway I noticed her being more distant from me and I noticed she restricted me on facebook. This is where I fell apart I was so horrified that I made her feel so bad about me that I made it worse by overwriting and apologizing on social.media. The end to this part of the story was when I asked to speak to her and she asked a friend to tell me to leave her alone. I was now of course scared and my friend told me that she did not want to do that but if I did not leave her alone. She was going too. I of course promised that I would. I thought I hit rock bottom that day. I WAS SO WRONG!!! (The bottom was coming fast) END OF THIS PART

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ROCK BOTTOM That weekend I told my wife the whole thing. She threatened to write the girl's mother (and later did although she never got a response) In short she was very hurt and upset (Which made me feel horrible because I thought she had stopped loving me because we had not had sex in 7 years (Yes I had erectile dysfunctions that were physical but her yelling at me about that made it worse) Anyway she was going to leave me and the fact I worked with the girl just made things worse. She accused me of something I never heard of before called an Emotional Affair. Then a few days later came THE MIRACLE. A few days later she came to me and said that she talked to her sister about no sex for 7 years and her emotional abuse toward me and she decided to forgive me (This does not excuse my actions just as anything I did does not justify her emotional abuse) We agreed that I would stay at work and not deal with her unless I had to for work and that I would go to therapy which I did. The Miracle part was not that my wife gave me another chance but that I got her back in a better more loving way I had given up on. The best way I can describe it is Imagine someone you love is dying and then they recover and then you win a million dollars END OF THIS PART

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THE ROAD TO RECOVERY. REALIZATION AND HUMBLED TO THE CORE. So I went to therapy I stayed away from the girl. Things were getting better with my wife but of course because I worked with her My wife would always have that fear. Anyway in Therapy we talked about many things the girl and any thing in my behavior. Then one day while talking in therapy I realized that God had used this girl as a blessing in my life. Which was funny because I thought because I was older I thought I could be a blessing in her life. But I had no intention of ever speaking to her or telling her. At work she stayed away from me, I stayed away from her. There was one day when we passed each other going to the bathroom and we both turned away from each other. That was the only day I felt really sad at what I caused because we both really liked each other. As for the blessing The reason I felt that way was because I got my wife back in a way I had never thought possibe. I honestly thought and still do that God sent her into my life, that I would like but at the same time I would not start anything romantic with. During this time My therapist and I talked about Subconsious to find out why I acted the way that I did. Soon after while looking for stuff on You Tube an audio book CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL caught my eye. I listened loved the book and to my shock they talked about the Subconcsious mind As I listened to the book I did think If Jenny and I were still friends I would tell her about it because I honestly feel that book can be a positive in her or anyone's life END OF THIS PART

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No as I said I would NEVER make any sexual advances. If it was anything it was an emotional affair. Which I never heard of and the more I learned I am not sure if what I had was an emotional affair,obsession or both, I never talked bad about my wife to the girl (with one exception which I will get to) I was very complimentary and even shared with her something nice I was going to do, As for the one time My wife broke my trust and I wrote her but I did not do it to bash my wife but to give her a lesson she could learn from someday in her life. As for any affair. If I was not married and our ages were closer. Yes I would have been interested in more. But because of the reasons of age and marriage that was not going to happen and also I really loved her as a friend (that was all I could give) and if I pursued anything more than that it would mean to me that I really did not care before because if I had I would have ended up hurting her. What I think happened though is the way I acted made her think I was falling in love with her and she backed away and maybe if I had realized that at the time. I could have avoided causing so much grief

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(NOTE This is NOT part of the story I had yesterday) The difference between regretting how I did things (like last year) amd Thank God I did not do that (like now for the most part) Today is her birthday and I had a revelation, Thank God I did not do my idea. You see when I said Goodbye to her I did it because I truly felt God used her as a blessing in my life (not that she did anything one way or the other she was just herself) and I knew that both of us needed to leave each others lives. So because it was goodbye forever I wanted to cover all the bases. Our mutual friend was also there for support. When I started Jenny said, "Your eyes are watering please stop, I said to her I need to do this,, Can I please continue, (If she had said No I would have stopped no questions but she said okay) One of the things she told me when we were friends was how she wanted to be a writer, So I got her a blank journal and Wrote something inspirational and funny, Like Hi I am your journal Use me however you like, But I think that you can write great things. or How when I see your book on the shelves One day I am going to be so happy for you. I told her that I thought I was supposed to be a blessing in her life but only after I lost you as a friend I realized God used you to bless my life. I then took 3 ribbons, 2 Blue, 1 pink and I said, I know this is just symbolic But the pink ribbon is for is you ever have a baby girl someday,gave her a blue ribbon and said the same thing for a boy and the last blue ribbon I said Well in case you need something blue when you got married someday, Then I said, When you sign your first book deal use this pen (A few moths ago I gave my wife and aunt a pen a pen with acronym prayer (First letter represents a word) My Aunt loved it, My wife appreciated it but not her cup of tea) So I gave Jenny one, I said can you guess what it means? She said I know the first two letters (Her initials) and I told her the rest which was May Jesus Bless You Love You and Keep You God Bless) We hugged and that was pretty much it. Now was I wrong to do that? Yes One one hand because simply talking to her was wrong but I could not ignore that I believe she was a blessing in my life. 2 I truly believed it would help her let go of any negative feelings she had of me and make it easier for her to let go and move on. (bye the way I honestly have no idea as to why she forgave me after it got to the point of her almost going to HR on me I can speculate and say she saw I was leaving her alone and moving on but I will never know). As for me. Well it was to help me move on, You see I was never going to see or have any communication with her BUT I wanted to let go of her in my mind. Now I know reading these posts You are going to think THAT DID NOT HAPPEN. But it did at first I felt all that stuff from the past fall away so to speak. I am not saying I never thought about the whole thing but I was not obssessing. That is until her birthday and I realized that was the one thing I forgot to do and I had that crazy idea. So What I am not going to do is write some annonymous message on her You Tube or Some twitter (well there I would not have had to be annonymous) that she had not used in YEARS and even though it seems ok and I don't see anything wrong with it I am still not going to ask our mutual friend at my old job just to wish her Happy Birthday. What I am going to do is put my eternal birthday wish for her out into the universe so to speak. She will probably never see it and even if she reads this She will probably never know it is about her and THAT IS OKAY. One thing I am going to use her real first intitial but not her real name for obvious reasons on a public forum. Okay here is the message to my former friend and yes it will be in all Caps for emphasis to the universe. HAPPY BIRTHDAY S MAY YOUR SILVER YEAR AND EVERY YEAR AFTER BRING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR GOLDEN DREAMS! (The silver is because She is 25) I wish I had thought of the eternal birthday wish when I said goodbye and it would not have mattered that the day I said goodbye was not her birthday because it is an eternal birthday wish. Anyway I know to a lot of you what you just read probably sound foolish and riduculous and that is okay. But to me it is not. Thank You all and I will post the last part of my story at some point

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  • 3 weeks later...
When I hit send on that last letter I felt so much better that my eternal birthday message for her is out there
Hi I apologize for not getting to the last part of my story. I will at some point, The thing is with me is I can be obssesive, I know it sounds retarded but after that last letter I really let go, Don't get me wrong I am still interested in learning about things whether it be my behavior or other people's behavior . Even though I feel that I have been blessed I am also very aware that I have a lot of stuff to work on and overcome. I don't know if I will get there but I am greatful for the chance to try to learn and grow
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Hi. If I am reading your story correctly, you were going through a rough time in your marriage and made a connection with a co-worker. It doesn't seem like you were intending it to be anything more then a friendship. At your core you seem like a decent person who wants others to be happy and want to do nice things for people. So don't feel bad about that part.

 

However, it seems you have the tendency to go overboard. Not everything needs to be a grand gesture with a lot of significance. Even in telling us the story, you've needed to break it in several parts with in depth detail and analysis. That probably can come across as obsessive and make people uncomfortable. I find it's best to keep to the KISS (Keep it simple, stupid) philosophy. If you want to leave a birthday message, simply say "happy birthday." Giving a journal to a writer is a perfect gift, it doesn't need three ribbons to symbolize future children or her getting married. Posting something cute to cheer her up when she is depressed is nice. But I'm guessing you did to much which is why she felt uncomfortable.

 

It's the small, little things that often mean the most to people. A kind word or smile goes a long way. It sounds like you've learned from the experience and I wish you well in the future.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes that is pretty much it I never set out ti hurt anyone but that does not change the fact that I did. I do admit that the everything the goodbye may have been too much and was over the top. But I wanted the Goodbye to be as perfect as I could make it because I knew that it had to be the last time I was going to ever see or speak to her again, It was going to be a 100 percent cutoff for life. Thankfully it went well because it could have gone the other way, The whole birthday thing I wrote about was when I realized that that was the one thing I did not think of but thanks to me writing it here and the advice I got here made me realize that the goodbye I gave her though it was over the top was good enough and just leave it at that. Besides If she ever thinks back and remembers me she will of course remember the good and bad but I hope overall memory or good. Of course what I really want for her is that God blesses her with a wonderful life no matter how or if she remembers me at all...................The one thing I cannot figure out is how I have been blessed by this whole thing, Yes I believe that God saw what was in my heart. Yes I believe that God putting her in my life blessed my life (and I could not leave her life forever without letting her know that even though I went over the top.)..............What I cannot understand is why these two women forgave me and my life is so much better and as weird as this is to say, I do not believe that my life would have gotten better if these things did not happen. I mean my it made my wife acknowledge her emotional abuse to me. That this does not change the fact that whether I meant to or not, whether I meant no harm to anyone or that I had good intentions. It does not change the fact that I had an emotional connection with a woman young enough to be my daughter, Maybe her realization of how she treated me gave her what she needed to forgive me BUT I cannot use it as an excuse because if I did I will not and cannot grow as a person, As of today I have made a lot of improvements BUT there are also hurdles that I still need to overcome, I do not know if I will but I know I am going to try my best. As for my former friend I had to work in the same area with her after things hit rock bottom, I avoided all contact her (unless work required it and in the rare times I had to I was 100% professional and got away from her as fast as I could to forgive me. I mean in a letter I wrote her when I was in my bad state I told her I went from someone that you saw as a kind caring friend to an annoying friend and a pest. So after finally getting rid of me and me having to hit rock bottom before giving up and leaving her alone actually want to forgive me and want to renew our friendship and as I said elsewhere in one of my posts I was happy she forgave me but for me renewing the friendship was out of the question which is also ironic because when I was falling apart and annoying her it was because I was desperate to keep the friendship. All I know is I am humbled to the core that I have been so blessed but I know it could very easily gone very wrong. I never want to go through that again and hurt people I care about. So I am both trying to improve and learn from what happened overall as best I can. Thank You.

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What I cannot understand is why these two women forgave me and my life is so much better and as weird as this is to say, I do not believe that my life would have gotten better if these things did not happen.... As of today I have made a lot of improvements BUT there are also hurdles that I still need to overcome, I do not know if I will but I know I am going to try my best.... I never want to go through that again and hurt people I care about. So I am both trying to improve and learn from what happened overall as best I can.

 

Everything happens for a reason. But it's up to use to determine what that reason is. We all go through trials and tribulations, do things we regret, have moments that affect who we are deep down. It takes strength and character to admit a mistake and even more to learn from it. We can't change the past, but we can use it to make a better future. Sounds like you are doing just that. There are always hurdles and days we don't live up to our goals. But as long as you are trying your best, that's what matters most.

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