Long distance and intimacy

[Vzhx]

Ever since the lockdowns dude to the pandemic, I haven’t been able to meet my boyfriend. But we used to be quite excited and intimate

He used to ask for n*des , we used to indulge in virtual s*x and it was all fine. Until he started demanding for it on every video call we ever made... He realised that this was making me uncomfortable so , we stopped video calling...

it’s been around 3 months to the lockdown now (background: he needs to be attempting an exam(backlog) but suddenly the government announced new parameters according to which he wasn’t eligible, it’s different that the news was temporary. But it started taking a HUGE toll on him and he is extremely stressed)

I offered to send nudes and he rejected the offer.... this IS VERY NEW and I’m shattered because he has been watching porn quite regularly (3 times a day)

I tried speaking to him about it and he went like “I don’t feel like...” “the feeling should arise naturally”

 

Two days after that he asked me to send nudes & I thought it was a good thing

But he refused to “do the deed” and said “oh I’m kinda done for the day!” (He has NEVER refused before)

 

A couple of weeks earlier when I asked him if we could video call , he gave me a vague reason...

 

So, I want to know if all these are signs to something toxic in the relationship or am I overreacting?

[Wiseman2]

Monitoring his porn and masturbating activity doesn't sound like intimacy. Lay back and stop hyper-focusing on cybersex. Don't you have anything else in common to videochat about? You're not a porn star or sex worker, so try to build a relationship.

I’m shattered because he has been watching porn quite regularly (3 times a day)

Two days after that he asked me to send nudes & I thought it was a good thing

But he refused to “do the deed” and said “oh I’m kinda done for the day!”

[Vzhx]

And after sending the n*des, he masturbated over porn ,( 4 times that day) , the next day (5 times)

[Vzhx]

That’s the point, I’ve always wanted to talk about other things.... and then he goes like “I’m hard now....” and demands , the last time I rejected the demand was the last time he wanted to video call me.... now we talk on normal call everyday....

[Vzhx]

Monitoring his porn and masturbating activity doesn't sound like intimacy. Lay back and stop hyper-focusing on cybersex. Don't you have anything else in common to videochat about? You're not a porn star or sex worker, so try to build a relationship.

That’s the point, I’ve always wanted to talk about other things.... and then he goes like “I’m hard now....” and demands , the last time I rejected the demand was the last time he wanted to video call me.... now we talk on normal call everyday....

also, thank you for replying 🙈

Multi-Quote This Message

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how long you've been together?

 

Sex is a lovely thing, don't get me wrong, but the way you're writing about it? It seems to be the only thing here, in terms of feeling connected, in terms of the substance of your relationship. Could it be that what you're really concerned about isn't all the sex stuff, but the lack of other stuff, a lack that has been exposed through distance?

[Rose Mosse]

This seems very transactional. I'm sorry about all this. That second-guessing of yourself, the coin in and snack out type of reactions seem to devalue you and your relationship with this person. Slow down on the photos and try and ask yourself whether this is as fulfilling as it gets.

 

I am actually hurting with you when I read your words. I think you deserve a lot better than what this situation offers.

[MissCanuck]

If your boyfriend stops video-calling when cam-sex isn't on offer every single time - you need a new boyfriend.

 

Sorry, girl. This guy seems interested in you for one reason only, and even that's not holding his attention anymore. You need to ask yourself what you're still doing in this relationship.

[Vzhx]

He is a nice guy & considerate of me, trustworthy and says he loves me... he does try to calm me down and stuff

But it just feels like the intimacy is kind of lost

And this watching porn and rejecting video calls and stuff makes me feel like I’m not pleasing him enough.... that I’m not good enough

[Vzhx]

Monitoring his porn and masturbating activity doesn't sound like intimacy. Lay back and stop hyper-focusing on cybersex. Don't you have anything else in common to videochat about? You're not a porn star or sex worker, so try to build a relationship.

 

Can I ask how long you've been together?

 

Sex is a lovely thing, don't get me wrong, but the way you're writing about it? It seems to be the only thing here, in terms of feeling connected, in terms of the substance of your relationship. Could it be that what you're really concerned about isn't all the sex stuff, but the lack of other stuff, a lack that has been exposed through distance?

 

He is a nice guy & considerate of me, trustworthy and says he loves me... he does try to calm me down and stuff

But it just feels like the intimacy is kind of lost

And this watching porn and rejecting video calls and stuff makes me feel like I’m not pleasing him enough.... that I’m not good enough

[reinventmyself]

And after sending the n*des, he masturbated over porn ,( 4 times that day) , the next day (5 times)

 

How do you know all this??

I would just move on. There is much more to a relationship than sex. At this point that's all he's interested in . . and then some.

I personally would be turned off by this and not at all wondering why I'm not enough for him.

[reinventmyself]

He is a nice guy & considerate of me, trustworthy and says he loves me... he does try to calm me down and stuff

But it just feels like the intimacy is kind of lost

And this watching porn and rejecting video calls and stuff makes me feel like I’m not pleasing him enough.... that I’m not good enough

 

Does he act lovingly towards you? Because what you've described is anything but.

After all you came here feeling somewhat discarded. It isn't loving or considerate to demand nudes and then pass you over for electronic sex with strangers.

Believe you deserve better

[Wiseman2]

Your not a porn star or sex worker. Why is your ego wrapped around whether he masturbates? How long were you dating before the lockdown? Do you talk about anything other than sex, masturbating and porn?

And this watching porn and rejecting video calls and stuff makes me feel like I’m not pleasing him enough.... that I’m not good enough

[bluecastle]

I'm with reinvent.

 

I think you're here, posting, because in your gut you know that this is all unhealthy—far, far away from what "loving" looks and feels like. And that? That is strength, yours, asking to be acknowledged and respected by you.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are? Might help with the context, a bit. Guess I'm trying to figure out how close this guy is to being an actual teenager vs being an adult who acts like one.

[Vzhx]

Your not a porn star or sex worker. Why is your ego wrapped around whether he masturbates? How long were you dating before the lockdown? Do you talk about anything other than sex, masturbating and porn?

We’ve been dating for 8 months now

And we about everything except sex , I just found it very weird when he turned me down on some of my advances... he’s an introvert by nature and he does respect and value me and stuff

We used to be OBSESSED about getting to know each other in the starting of the relationship

It was all too good to be true

Whenever we’ve gone on dates I’ve felt free and secure with him

It’s only recently that I happened to observe a problem in this part of our relationship....

 

Ps : I do have anxiety issues

And I’ve been with men who’ve wanted to be with me for my looks and ultimately left after leading me on

This is my first relationship

So I’m hoping that this whole situation is normal cause of the distance and the work stress

 

And that I’m overreacting as usual

[Vzhx]

I'm with reinvent.

 

I think you're here, posting, because in your gut you know that this is all unhealthy—far, far away from what "loving" looks and feels like. And that? That is strength, yours, asking to be acknowledged and respected by you.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are? Might help with the context, a bit. Guess I'm trying to figure out how close this guy is to being an actual teenager vs being an adult who acts like one.

 

I’m 22 and he’s 24

He is caring and all, and I do tend to overreact

So I have made efforts to confront him about this and he did try to reassure me

He says it’s just a visual aid to masturbate

As much as I want to believe that it’s just that

I get hooked up wondering why he follows so many models on Instagram and then I think to myself that at least he’s being open and transparent about what he’s doing with me.... if he was hiding... isn’t that when the real problem should seed?

Also, I’m not sure if this is my gut or insecurity....

But for what I know I don’t think gut feelings last so long and they wouldn’t exactly get me hooked in loops of thoughts and doubts....

[reinventmyself]

I think you are conveniently making excuses for his poor behavoir and setting yourself to take the blame. After all if you weren't so insecure and anxious his preference for masturbation and visual stimulation over you would be just fine. . .said no one, ever. (I hope the sarcasm comes through)

Look. You came here for reason. We didn't come looking for you.

If there wasn't a problem and if this wasn't causing you some distress, this post problably wouldn't exist.

Everyone has the right to draw the line in which they are willing to operate. And if his actions make you uncomfortable, then it's ok to own it. (I would)

 

For example - Just because someone admits to drinking too much and drinks to the point it interferes with their ability to be in a healthy relationship with someone doesn't make it ok. This isn't any different. He prefers masturbation and visual stimulation over being with you. (yet you say he's respectful?) Kudos for him for admitting it. But if it causes you discomfort, effects your relationship and effects how you feel about yourself. . .then it's a boundary you need to set.

 

Sometimes setting boundaries is challenging. It puts you in a position to make difficult choices and it may mean you 'll have choose to not be in this relationship any longer. That's likely why it's easier to make this more about you, your anxiety and supposed overreaction. That way you do't have to do the hard thing. But take it from me, someone who has anxiety.

*The perfect way to feed anxiety is deny discomfort when it's clearly there.

[MissCanuck]

This is my first relationship

So I’m hoping that this whole situation is normal cause of the distance and the work stress

 

And that I’m overreacting as usual

 

No hon, this isn’t normal.

 

You’re not over-reacting.

 

But you’re now trying to rationalize away the obvious indications that this guy isn’t that into you anymore. He’s pulling away and isn’t being the loving guy he once was. He’s treating you like a cam girl rather than an actual girlfriend. These problems shouldn’t exist at just 8 months in. This is your gut trying to tell you that it’s not working anymore, but your heart isn’t ready to hear it yet.

 

Good boyfriends don’t behave the way this guy does. He’s distancing himself from you, which generally is the beginning of the end.

[Vzhx]

I think you are conveniently making excuses for his poor behavoir and setting yourself to take the blame. After all if you weren't so insecure and anxious his preference for masturbation and visual stimulation over you would be just fine. . .said no one, ever. (I hope the sarcasm comes through)

Look. You came here for reason. We didn't come looking for you.

If there wasn't a problem and if this wasn't causing you some distress, this post problably wouldn't exist.

Everyone has the right to draw the line in which they are willing to operate. And if his actions make you uncomfortable, then it's ok to own it. (I would)

 

For example - Just because someone admits to drinking too much and drinks to the point it interferes with their ability to be in a healthy relationship with someone doesn't make it ok. This isn't any different. He prefers masturbation and visual stimulation over being with you. (yet you say he's respectful?) Kudos for him for admitting it. But if it causes you discomfort, effects your relationship and effects how you feel about yourself. . .then it's a boundary you need to set.

 

Sometimes setting boundaries is challenging. It puts you in a position to make difficult choices and it may mean you 'll have choose to not be in this relationship any longer. That's likely why it's easier to make this more about you, your anxiety and supposed overreaction. That way you do't have to do the hard thing. But take it from me, someone who has anxiety.

*The perfect way to feed anxiety is deny discomfort when it's clearly there.

 

Firstly thank you very much for making the time and efforts to actually help me here

But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because it was me who initially denied to meet up to ALL his fantasies.... it did start getting a little too much , so now he resorts to porn... and avoids video calls...

rejecting the n*des... did take a toll on me

And yes I do agree that I am uncomfortable.... but doesn’t it seem like, I asked for this.... now that we spend more time talking about everything else except sex... it got weird and I offered to sooth him cause he was stressed about his professional life falling apart...

 

I’m not denying the fact that I did feel uncomfortable

And that he did get defensive

But don’t other dynamics of the relationship matter too? Only cause currently, while we’re distant my sex life seems like it’s falling apart... does it give me a valid reason to end the relationship? Shouldn’t I wait to see how things can be when we happen to meet?

Can’t it be that he’s probably turned off because I’ve been nagging a lot lately?? Can’t it be cause he’s stressed and he needs his personal space to recover from the tension?

[reinventmyself]

You used the word 'demanded' when describing his request for nudes, correct?

Noone is all bad. We can all list redeeming qualities of our ex's.

but Do you want to be with someone who results to porn to self medicate? That little habit is what addictions are made from. Especially at the rate he's doing it.

I suspect he admits it to you to get you to second guess yourself. . and it's clearly working.

A respectful man would never demand something from you and certainly not something the makes you uncomfortable.

That trait in of itself negates any good quality he might have.

At the very least it makes him an unsuitable partner.

[reinventmyself]

Just so we are clear. You two have never met, engaged in virtual sex until you felt uncomfortable. He's now pleasuring himself in other ways. . Sometimes up to 5 times a day and denying you.

And you are trying to figure out how to save this?

[Jibralta]

But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because it was me who initially denied to meet up to ALL his fantasies.... it did start getting a little too much , so now he resorts to porn... and avoids video calls...

rejecting the n*des... did take a toll on me

And yes I do agree that I am uncomfortable.... but doesn’t it seem like, I asked for this.... now that we spend more time talking about everything else except sex... it got weird and I offered to sooth him cause he was stressed about his professional life falling apart...

 

I’m not denying the fact that I did feel uncomfortable

And that he did get defensive

 

You have to do more than admit that you're uncomfortable. You have to reject the people and the situations that make you feel that way. Otherwise, you are actually torturing yourself.

 

You're not obligated to meet all of your boyfriend's fantasies. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying "no." It's your right.

 

If he makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable for saying no, if he punishes you or rejects you for that, then he's not a nice guy.

 

But don’t other dynamics of the relationship matter too? Only cause currently, while we’re distant my sex life seems like it’s falling apart... does it give me a valid reason to end the relationship? Shouldn’t I wait to see how things can be when we happen to meet?

Can’t it be that he’s probably turned off because I’ve been nagging a lot lately?? Can’t it be cause he’s stressed and he needs his personal space to recover from the tension?

 

Yes, other dynamics do matter. And you can end a relationship for any reason you want.

 

I'm wondering if his lack of interest could be for some reason that is totally unrelated to you. He might be preoccupied with his studies. He might be pursuing another girl. I don't think you should blame yourself quite so much.

[Vzhx]

Just so we are clear. You two have never met, engaged in virtual sex until you felt uncomfortable. He's now pleasuring himself in other ways. . Sometimes up to 5 times a day and denying you.

And you are trying to figure out how to save this?

 

We have met and been on multiple dates!! And it’s all been intimate

He pampers me in person it’s only now that I’ve noticed this one thing.... that tooo only once.... On the day he was extremely stressed about work

And the next day was when I confronted him about it

 

Honestly, it looks like my narrative isn’t up to the mark

 

We’ve had a great chemistry for the last 7 months... I tend to over think and panic over nothing...

I know this because my friends tell me about this behaviour of mine from time to time

 

He’s told me that the porn that he watches has nothing to do with me...

he’s never body shamed me...

 

I don’t want to leave him yet... at least not before we get to meet again

Isn’t there a better way to approach the problem?

[Wiseman2]

The distance the last three mos and the cyber sex seems to be wreaking havoc with your relationship. Sending nudes and sex videos are not going to improve your self respect or your connection. That is why he his looking at new flesh to get off on.

 

Stop the sex shows. Stop asking him about porn, IG pics or masturbating. He's a horny 24 y/o guy. That's fine. But you need to improve your self respect and anxiety and insecurities and doing what you are doing is not helping.

We’ve been dating for 8 months now

[DancingFool]

OP, I'm going to compare porn to alcohol. Lots of people indulge in a good glass of wine, or beer, or liquor without ever becoming a sloppy drunk or an alcoholic that foregoes all life and relationships for the bottle. So lots of people might enjoy some porn and fantasy time here and there and it's not an issue. It only becomes an issue when porn takes over real life relationships and when the use is as frequent as you describe.

 

Harsh reality is that yes, that much porn actually dehumanizes sex and intimacy in real life. The fact that his demands grew to where you became uncomfortable is your clue that his porn use is out of control. It's affecting his real life connections, intimacy, relationships, etc. That's NOT on you or your fault, that is completely on him. You have every right to say no and you should not ever strive to live to increasingly unrealistic sexual demands that leave you uncomfortable or unhappy. Sex, intimacy is something that is supposed to make you both feel good. It's not a one way street.

 

The reason to dump him is that he is treating you like a prostitute and actually punishing you in a passive aggressive way for refusing to act like a cheap prostitute. The reason to dump him is that his porn use is out of control and it's negatively affecting you and your relationship. The other good stuff doesn't matter when this huge aspect of the relationship is this bad and disconnected. I won't bother telling you to talk to him because it sounds to me like you have talked plenty. You are here because deep down in your gut you know this is not right and you are correct about that. No man should ever treat you like this and you should never tolerate being treated like a cheap ho.

 

That said, based on how defensive you are getting, I realize you are not ready to dump him yet, so talk to him again. Be strong, be blunt, be brutally honest that his behavior porn bs is not going to fly with and that either he stops with the porn and starts living in the real world or he will lose you. If he chooses to lose you, oh well. Sorry but you aren't losing prince charming, you are losing a self centered, entitled jerk who doesn't even see you as a human being.