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My girlfriend is driving me crazy


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The situation is like this:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years now. We are from different countries and we live in my country in Europe.

The problem is that she is always unsatisfied with almost everything, starting aproximately one year ago.

Let me give you some concrete facts about me now.

 

The good things about me:

I am working in a stable job, with posibilities for promotion, my salary is 150% of the average salary. It's enough for me to pay for more than 60% of our rent ( in the best area of the city ),all our food, our car and some ocasional trips, and I do pay for all these things, but I don't mind it, I think a man should take care of the family in this way. Oh, I also payed for her school tax, something like 2000 €. Besides this I am also learning programming in my spare time, with the purpose of transforming it in my side hustle so I can earn more and offer her even better things then we have now. I always wash the dishes, clean the house, give her massages and preety many times I cook too. I love her very much and all I do is for her.

 

Now what's bad about me:

Because I work, study and also do housework I am tired sometimes, especially right when I come back from work, and because of that I don't feel like talking or anything else, I just want to sit there peacefully for a while. Don't imagine this is how I am all the time, I just need aprox 1 hour of peace and I am good to go again. Also I am not good in couple conversation, I mean we talk all the time, but I still have to improve my conversational skills. Another thing is that I sometimes forget things, not big ones, like buying milk and these kind of things. Doesn't happen often but it happens sometimes.

 

Now that you made an idea about who I am I will describe what she complains about.

She always says that I am not rich enough, that I am studying for my programming but still didn't get no money out of it. That she should be happy first so that we can be happy as a couple( she actually said this ). Also everytime we have an disagreement she is very aggressive verbally and phisically, she sais is because she doesn't know how to express her feeling in another way. I always am the one saying sorry and taking the fault, 100% of the times, I don't say is not my fault sometimes, but I think it cannot be all the time my fault.

 

Ok, I wrote preety much already so I am gonna finish with describing, shortly, our last fight.

I come home from work, she was home all day that day, and she started being very angry because she doesn't have corn and cherry and she really wanted to eat some. I told her I am tired from work and if I rest for a lil bit I can go search for it in the market( I say search because the corn and cherry season is over and you don't quite find them in the market anymore). When I said this she got even more angry and said I should not come home until I have corn and cherry. I love her, so I went to try to find some, I searche in many markets for 2 hours but did not find anything, so I bought her some other food I know she likes and came back home. When I arrived I showed her the food and told her I want to rest now. Shegot angry again and this time hit me. When she hit me, I got angry to and I went to rest in the car. Now she sais again that she will leave me becaus I cannot take good care of her.

 

What do you think? Am I doing somethin wrong ?

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What do you think? Am I doing somethin wrong ?

I think the only thing you are doing wrong is staying with her. You are allowing her to treat you like a dog. That's on you. She has shown you who she is and she will NOT change. In fact, over time she'll probably get a lot worse. Can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? Her walking all over you?

Show her you have enough self-respect and send her packing.

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We met when she was doing a 1 year job here, and we fell in love and she decided to stay so we can be together. The thing is I would like to fix this problem because I love her very much, but is very hard to make her make some effort because she always says that she did enough effort by moving here, away from her family.

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she always says that she did enough effort by moving here, away from her family.

It was HER choice to stay. You didn't force her. Besides, just because she chose to stay is no excuse for bad behaviour and for treating you like a piece of garbage.

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It sounds like she sees you as some kind of lifestyle choice; a way of getting a good standard of living off your back. Not only are you taking the lion's share of the financial commitments, but you're doing housework, bettering yourself through study and treating her... yet it's STILL not enough. She is coming across like an entitled narcissist, particularly when she goes so berserk when she doesn't get her own way. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable. Call her bluff and let her leave. In fact, be proactive and make her leave. You do not obliged to take care of her because she is not a child, despite acting like one.

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You are allowing her behaviour and because of that don’t expect it to change. Why would it?

On the flip side if you don’t accept her behaviour she will leave you (that would be the best scenario)

 

What exactly do you love about her? Her physical appearance ?

You haven’t listed the good things about her?

Are there any?

Please try list the good and the bad about her so we can get some perspective as to who she is , like you have done about yourself.

 

Please include as to whether she works, what income she brings to the table etc?

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She seems homesick and resentful. She needs to go back to her family. You need to stop holding her back from that. What is the long range purpose of this? Just playing house? Residency? Why are you keeping her there? Can she afford to go back home?

she always says that she did enough effort by moving here, away from her family.
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Sorry you are going through this.

When you love someone, it is difficult to also notice that they can be bringing you some grief at the same time.

About abuse.....the age-old myth is that men are only capable of abusing their spouse. Wrong! A very close friend of mine had an ex wife physically hit him all the time, and now as divorced co-parents she is still verbally and emotionally abusive to him and their son. Horrible person. If you can (and it sounds like you can) run as fast as you can away from her! It won't get better, it will get worse. Afterwards you will be glad you made the choice and wish you had made it sooner.

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How many years are you going to invest in trying to MAKE her happy when she isn't happy with anything?

 

It is a fools errand to even try. How much is enough money? How big is the big house? How many vacations are enough each year?

 

You will work you butt off for her and she will never be content.

 

You may love her, or think you love her but she clearly only loves what you can provide for her.

 

Time to sack up and sit her down and tell her you will no longer put up with her degrading and abusive words and actions and if she isn't happy then she needs to go find someone else she is happy with.

 

I seriously think if you do not do this now 2 years from now you will be in debt, heartbroken and wondering why you wasted so many years on someone like her.

 

Lost

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Unless you're in some kind of BDSM relationship where you're your girlfriend's slave, this is completely unacceptable. She's both emotionally and physically abusive to you and she treats you like a servant! You work, study, do housework. All she does is sit there and complain and abuse you. She could have gone to get the corn and cherries herself! She sounds like a horrible person who thinks it's acceptable to hit her partner. How do you not see that this is very wrong?

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Also every time she tells me I don't do enough, I remind her that I paid for that school tax for her and she shouldn't say that to a person that did this gesture for her. Her reply is always that I paid so that she can be here, so she shouldn't "say thank you" for it, she makes it seem like I bought her time with me. I never liked it when she said this.. I think is very ungrateful

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Ok, I wrote preety much already so I am gonna finish with describing, shortly, our last fight.

I come home from work, she was home all day that day, and she started being very angry because she doesn't have corn and cherry and she really wanted to eat some. I told her I am tired from work and if I rest for a lil bit I can go search for it in the market( I say search because the corn and cherry season is over and you don't quite find them in the market anymore). When I said this she got even more angry and said I should not come home until I have corn and cherry. I love her, so I went to try to find some, I searche in many markets for 2 hours but did not find anything, so I bought her some other food I know she likes and came back home. When I arrived I showed her the food and told her I want to rest now. Shegot angry again and this time hit me. When she hit me, I got angry to and I went to rest in the car. Now she sais again that she will leave me becaus I cannot take good care of her.

 

What do you think? Am I doing somethin wrong ?

 

I want you to read the above paragraph you wrote again slowly and carefully - anything about her behavior strikes you as completely wrong?

 

Since you are so focused on what you are doing wrong, I'll just be blunt - you are tolerating abuse in the name of love, except what you think is love is nothing more than addiction to toxic drama. She attacks you, you get an adrenaline rush and your response is to get down on your knees and beg for more. Sad.

 

What you should be doing is telling her she has 30 days or whatever the legal deal in your country is to get her stuff and gtfo of your life and your house. After that, better sort out what drove you to put up with abuse.

 

You say that supporting a family is what a man does. Good and fine. You just forgot that in that set up a woman CONTRIBUTES by cooking, cleaning, dinner ready for when you come home from work, doing the shopping and chores around the home and otherwise making a house a warm home for you to come back to. No matter how you slice it, healthy relationships are roughly 50/50 and what you are doing is playing 100% martyr and she is doing 100% taking and abusing you to boot. So you've got the whole relationship dynamic completely wrong.....and yet....there must be some kind of pleasure you get out of martyrdom or else you wouldn't be doing it and NO, it's nothing to do with love.

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While bluntness is not my forte, I'll be honest and just say that when I read a thread like this the question I find myself asking is: Is the sex really that great? Because from what you've described, it is simply very hard for me to imagine the ingredients here in the stew you are calling "love."

 

As others have suggested, it seems that you're getting something out of the very dynamic you're frustrated with. What is that something? The thrill of the rollercoaster? The affirmation of yourself as a "man," by your own definition of that role? I'd try to get real with yourself and isolate what that something is. Then I'd become a bit of a surgeon and see about removing it from the system, so you can find yourself in a relationship in which the level of pain and discomfort you feel in this one is replaced with things like respect, admiration, and compassion.

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The story seems a bit one-sided. Are you venting or looking for honest feedback? From the way you've framed things, it's all obviously wrong but I tend to think there's some rationale behind a three year relationship that's lasted this long thus far.

 

If you have any other details about how things have felt like they've worked in the past and previous arguments or disagreements or more context it would help. What's her background like? What does she contribute to in the relationship? Have there been any incidents of broken trust and failed expectations on both sides?

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Why get into the "who did more for whom" tango? Stop arguing. Let her go home, move out or whatever she wants. Stop doing stuff you want her to "be grateful" for then resenting it.

Her reply is always that I paid so that she can be here
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Is she supremely hot or something?

 

I bet she isn't. The natural assumption is that she must look like Megan Fox but i really doubt it. I know many women who lead men by the nose and they are not attractive. They must have secret talents though otherwise it doesn't make sense. At least if she is super hot, it would make some sense.

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