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Ex girlfriend reached out after 3.5 months NC


Ptink

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I met this girl in the Fall of 2019. We instantly had an amazing connection and started dating. Things were going great until February of 2020 when she mentioned that she might be going overseas for school. Things started going downhill after that. I had tremendous feelings for this woman, and after she mentioned that, I was afraid of losing her and stupidly became needy and overbearing and to my biggest regret, didn’t respect her boundary for space (nothing in person, I just tried to text her all the time). She broke up with me at the beginning of March. During the breakup she said things like “the timing isn’t right” (she was going through a lot in life, like going through a separation with a horrible previous boyfriend of 7 years...he was abusive and a general piece of garbage). I asked her what exactly that meant and asked if that meant she saw a future together. She gave some cryptic response that alluded to her seeing a future together. She said she would like to stay friends in the meantime. I refused to be friends since I knew I wouldn’t be able to be a proper friend since I had a lot of feelings for her. I told her to reach out if she ever changed her mind. I decided to go strict no contact, and that’s where the story ended...or so I thought.

 

In June, 3.5 months after the breakup, I got a random text message from her (at 2pm on a weekday). She said hi, then asked how I was doing. We had a bit of an interaction and talked about what we were up to over quarantine (she’s no longer going overseas). She told me that she was sorry about the way she handled things with me, and that she was overwhelmed at the time and how she doesn’t like that she caused me grief. She went on to say that I have been on her mind a lot, and that I treated her really well, better than she deserved (her exact words) and how it never went unnoticed or unappreciated. She went on to say that she is open to chatting, or maybe going for a coffee when she gets back home (she went to spend time with some family and friends when covid really ramped up, and has been there since). I agreed, she said she would likely be home within the next three weeks, and we ended the conversation there.

 

A few days go by and I decided I wanted to take her up on her offer of having a chat. She told me that we should just stick to coffee and meeting up in person when she’s around. At about the one month point of her reaching out, I asked her if she was still planning on being back in the area soon. I told her that I was confused as to why she reached out when she really wasn’t ready to communicate with me. She said that she wasn’t back home yet, and she wasn’t sure what I wanted her to say. I said that it would be nice to have a bit of communication. She responded by saying she wanted to say hi as a friend and to let me know by reaching out that I’m in her thoughts. She reiterated that she would reach out when she got back home and told me that we should park it there for now.

 

After those few text messages I decided it was best to go complete no contact again and wait for her to reach out again. I’m very confused though by what she said about her saying hi as a friend (especially since I was pretty clear during the breakup that I didn't want to be just friends with her). When she first reached out I got the “more than friends” vibe, and honestly I still care about her and would like her back in my life. She made me a better man. I’m really excited to meet up with her, and deep down I really do hope for reconciliation. I’m having a tough time dealing with the uncertainty, and her last few messages really confused me. I learned a lot from the breakup about myself, and I don’t want to ruin things before we even meet up. I know that she will reach out when she gets back to the area, so it’s just a matter of patience until she does.

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Ptink, I'm gonna be honest with you so please listen up. You're messing up again. The thing is women sense when a guy starts to become needy and once that starts to happen

their attraction level begins to drop quickly. And once it drops to a certain level, it's game over. She seems like a nice, secure person. Of course I don't know hardly anything about

her but that's just the vibes I'm getting from what you've written. With that being said, she's back now. She clearly has been thinking about you which means her attraction

level went back up. Great news! Clearly you did something right in the past. But, now you're acting needy again dude when you should've just started it off this 2nd time

around as a fun, happy guy and that she should be lucky to be in your presence. You could've just asked her out and set a date and if she couldn't set a date then you

tell her when she's ready to hit you up and end it there. No need to talk for a long time on the phone. Save it for the date dude. End of story. And just wait.

 

Be patient. Show her your confidence. Women love that. I mean she clearly likes you so she'll make the time but you started to act needy again and asking

too many deep questions when you should've just been chill. Anyway, it's not over so no need to panic. Just stay quiet and wait. Do NOT reach out to her

because you sorta messed up again so now you gotta wait for her attraction level to go back up. She'll most likely come back and when she does just

play it cool. Don't talk serious talk until SHE brings it up. Your only job is to set a date, make sure she feels safe, happy and dam lucky to be with you.

Show her a great time. That's it! And trust me, if she starts to feel feelings for you, guess what? It'll be HER asking you questions about being

serious, not the other way around. Anyway, wishing you the best of luck. And don't worry, it's not over yet. She'll be back dude.

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Ptink, I'm gonna be honest with you so please listen up. You're messing up again. The thing is women sense when a guy starts to become needy and once that starts to happen

their attraction level begins to drop quickly. And once it drops to a certain level, it's game over. She seems like a nice, secure person. Of course I don't know hardly anything about

her but that's just the vibes I'm getting from what you've written. With that being said, she's back now. She clearly has been thinking about you which means her attraction

level went back up. Great news! Clearly you did something right in the past. But, now you're acting needy again dude when you should've just started it off this 2nd time

around as a fun, happy guy and that she should be lucky to be in your presence. You could've just asked her out and set a date and if she couldn't set a date then you

tell her when she's ready to hit you up and end it there. No need to talk for a long time on the phone. Save it for the date dude. End of story. And just wait.

 

Be patient. Show her your confidence. Women love that. I mean she clearly likes you so she'll make the time but you started to act needy again and asking

too many deep questions when you should've just been chill. Anyway, it's not over so no need to panic. Just stay quiet and wait. Do NOT reach out to her

because you sorta messed up again so now you gotta wait for her attraction level to go back up. She'll most likely come back and when she does just

play it cool. Don't talk serious talk until SHE brings it up. Your only job is to set a date, make sure she feels safe, happy and dam lucky to be with you.

Show her a great time. That's it! And trust me, if she starts to feel feelings for you, guess what? It'll be HER asking you questions about being

serious, not the other way around. Anyway, wishing you the best of luck. And don't worry, it's not over yet. She'll be back dude.

 

I appreciate the words. Luckily for me I cut contact instantly when I noticed that she wasn't exactly open to the questions I was asking. I get really busy with work around middle of August, and am tied up for a month straight at that point. So I was getting a bit antsy because of that. Especially since she mentioned she would be back within a few weeks. I basically told her I was excited to see her again, and wanted to know if she would be around before I got busy with work. After our last interaction I won't be contacting her since I trust that she will message me when she's back in the area and free for the coffee (and if I'm busy with work, then she'll just have to wait a month). I learned a lot of lessons from my actions that caused the breakup, and I caught myself in the act of getting needy and really held myself back (I still acted a bit needy, but manitudes less compared to what I used to be). At first I had a message written up about how I was confused with her saying she wanted to say "hi as a friend", but I caught myself and deleted that message (this is a massive improvement from what I used to be before the breakup, so I'm thankful at the least that I've made progress in that department). One of my major flaws before the breakup was wanting to put labels on the relationship. Looking back that was so stupid of me. I should've just let things progress naturally and let her lead the way in that aspect of things. A mistake I'll never make again.

 

I plan on being myself during the meetup, the me that she was attracted to in the first place. I treated her like gold. She's in her early 30s and has never really been treated with kindness like I've shown her. I was the first man to cook her dinner and it basically brought her to tears when I did that for her. I think her breaking up with me was the right move at the time. Things really spiralled for her when covid really ramped up, and she told me she's glad that I wasn't around to see her when things really got bad for her.

 

In the mean time I plan on continuing to focus on myself. I've been working out fairly consistently since the breakup (something I've never done in my 28 years on this planet lol) and plenty of other things. I've been focusing a lot more on my profession as well. I need to keep my mind occupied when I feel anxious or uncertain about something.

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"She responded by saying she wanted to say hi as a friend "

 

Normally I would take that at face value but in our first conversation she said things like "I can't promise I would be any good at anything.". I asked for her to elaborate on that and she said: "that if I felt unappreciated or that things weren't reciprocated, I can't say that things would be any different because I can only give so much and I wouldn't want to lie and say they would be." And that she's trying to be honest so I can make whatever choice is best for me.

 

I was pretty clear when I set the boundary that I don't want to be friends and for her to contact if she wants to get back together. I didn't contact her for over 3.5 months and was willing to go NC for the rest of my life.

 

I don't buy this whole idea that you take a sentence like that at face value when there was an entire conversation that contradicts a small statement like that. I don't see how she thinks this will end well for her if she thinks she can weasel a friendship out of me. We had no prior friendship when we started dating, so there's no friendship to go back to. We only knew each other in a romantic fashion.

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She was trying to soothe her guilt for hurting you, and extended an olive branch.

 

It wasn't an invitation to rekindle a relationship, unfortunately. She doesn't have the intentions you hoped. I am not sure I would count on this friendly meet-up happening at this point, if I'm being honest. She's realized that she gave you the wrong impression by reaching out so she might opt not to connect again in person.

 

You would be wise to let her go. This isn't likely going to work out the way you're hoping.

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She was trying to soothe her guilt for hurting you, and extended an olive branch.

 

It wasn't an invitation to rekindle a relationship, unfortunately. She doesn't have the intentions you hoped. I am not sure I would count on this friendly meet-up happening at this point, if I'm being honest. She's realized that she gave you the wrong impression by reaching out so she might opt not to connect again in person.

 

You would be wise to let her go. This isn't likely going to work out the way you're hoping.

 

If she was after just friendship, then we could've had that conversation via text. She's adamant about meeting up in person, and yes, I trust her when she says she will contact me when she's back in the area. One of the strongest traits of our relationship was honesty, and I have zero reasons to believe she wouldn't reach out again.

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Unfortunately the friend zone is a very common breakup offer.

 

Right, but this isn't the breakup anymore. Its been just about 5 months since and I was very firm when I told her I wasn't interested in friendship when we broke up.

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Can I ask why you reached out again if you were so certain she would contact you?

 

Because I wanted to see if there was an update on when she would be back in the area. I get really busy with work in August and wanted to see if she would be back before then, otherwise I'm swamped for a month straight and I wanted to communicate that with her. Covid has obviously brought a ton of uncertainty upon everyone and she told me she's living her summer day by day at the moment. I said that I respect that, and she said she respects that I might be busy by the time she gets back.

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Did she go back to her bf? They were still together when you met? It sounds like she would like you as a backup or support system, but you would rather be FWB.

 

No. Her ex is completely out of the picture forever (he was abusive and already knocked up another woman). She broke up with him months before I met her. I want a relationship with her, not FWB. It's either all in, or nothing at all.

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“ One of the strongest traits of our relationship was honesty, and I have zero reasons to believe she wouldn't reach out again”

 

If you actually believed your own words , you would not have contacted her again to follow up on if she is back, when she is due back etc.

 

I’m also curious as to why you would tell her you are excited about seeing her again?

Excited about what exactly?

She did not Infer that she wanted to rekindle any romance.

Are you really excited to meet her when she simply said catch up for coffee in the future ?

 

She later reiterated to you that it’s as a friend only.

 

No contact extends to not responding the first time an ex contacts you with wishy washy nonsense that I also believe as others have said is out of guilt.

You ONLY respond IF they clearly state that they regret breaking up , would like to see if you are open to dating again etc.

she NEVER said any of that.

 

IF you had not responded to her lame hi how are you message. And IF she wanted to rekindle , SHE would have followed up with an I miss you , sorry, can we try again etc!

Or IF you had not responded and she didn’t want to rekindle , you would never have heard from her again.

 

But now you need to either find out the hard way , OR next time she messages , don’t respond unless she states clearly she wants to rekindle.

 

Up to you what you do from here?

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“ One of the strongest traits of our relationship was honesty, and I have zero reasons to believe she wouldn't reach out again”

 

If you actually believed your own words , you would not have contacted her again to follow up on if she is back, when she is due back etc.

 

I’m also curious as to why you would tell her you are excited about seeing her again?

Excited about what exactly?

She did not Infer that she wanted to rekindle any romance.

Are you really excited to meet her when she simply said catch up for coffee in the future ?

 

She later reiterated to you that it’s as a friend only.

 

No contact extends to not responding the first time an ex contacts you with wishy washy nonsense that I also believe as others have said is out of guilt.

You ONLY respond IF they clearly state that they regret breaking up , would like to see if you are open to dating again etc.

she NEVER said any of that.

 

IF you had not responded to her lame hi how are you message. And IF she wanted to rekindle , SHE would have followed up with an I miss you , sorry, can we try again etc!

Or IF you had not responded and she didn’t want to rekindle , you would never have heard from her again.

 

But now you need to either find out the hard way , OR next time she messages , don’t respond unless she states clearly she wants to rekindle.

 

Up to you what you do from here?

 

You're putting a lot of words into my mouth here. I simply messaged asking if she had an update, not because I thought she wouldn't reach out again. It's called communication.

 

What are you curious about? I'm excited to see her in person. I see no big deal with that.

 

There was no "reiteration" about it being as a friend only. She never said that before. I'll reiterate though, that I told her not to reach out to me if she just wants to be friends.

 

No offense, but that's horrible advice to ghost someone who worked up the courage over months to reach out to you (she mentioned that she was thinking about reaching out to me for a while, so it's not something she did lightly). Not saying anything is a VERY powerful statement (basically saying screw off, don't talk to me...which is not what I'm going for). I'm sure some people come roaring out of the gates saying they want to rekindle, but in my opinion, stating all of that over text message with zero context is a horrible way to do it. If you're going to do it, set up an in-person meeting and spill your guts in person.

 

So I meet up with her in person, and she says she wants to be only friends. Cool. Then I tell her that I don't see myself being friends with her, that she disrespected a firm boundary I put in place when we broke up, and for her to have a good life. End of story. Not sure why so many people on this forum need to make things over complicated and play bs games of ignoring people that you care about.

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One of the strongest traits of our relationship was honesty, and I have zero reasons to believe she wouldn't reach out again.

 

Fair enough, but be prepared for it not to the beginning of a reconciliation.

 

It doesn't appear she's on the same page as you for this meet-up.

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You're putting a lot of words into my mouth here. I simply messaged asking if she had an update, not because I thought she wouldn't reach out again. It's called communication.

 

What are you curious about? I'm excited to see her in person. I see no big deal with that.

 

There was no "reiteration" about it being as a friend only. She never said that before. I'll reiterate though, that I told her not to reach out to me if she just wants to be friends.

 

No offense, but that's horrible advice to ghost someone who worked up the courage over months to reach out to you (she mentioned that she was thinking about reaching out to me for a while, so it's not something she did lightly). Not saying anything is a VERY powerful statement (basically saying screw off, don't talk to me...which is not what I'm going for). I'm sure some people come roaring out of the gates saying they want to rekindle, but in my opinion, stating all of that over text message with zero context is a horrible way to do it. If you're going to do it, set up an in-person meeting and spill your guts in person.

 

So I meet up with her in person, and she says she wants to be only friends. Cool. Then I tell her that I don't see myself being friends with her, that she disrespected a firm boundary I put in place when we broke up, and for her to have a good life. End of story. Not sure why so many people on this forum need to make things over complicated and play bs games of ignoring people that you care about.

 

There was nothing in your post that suggested she took months to work up the courage to contact you.

 

That was simply your wishful thinking , when she said she thought about reaching out. Her deliberation on that was more likely , will you interpret it wrong? And I feel you have. Sorry.

 

I realise you are emotionally involved but I feel it’s wise advice to suggest not responding to someone whom you have absolutely said do not contact on a friend level only.

Just because she ignored your request , doesn’t mean my advice is invalid .

 

I am unbiased. She is on the pedestal you placed her on.

 

“. If you're going to do it, set up an in-person meeting and spill your guts in person.”

 

If you believed that , then why not allow her to do that , rather than try to engage in chit chat before meeting?

Instead you wanted to remind her of how needy you were and the reason her attraction for you dropped in the first instance?

 

You might think I am making assumptions here, but look at the assumptions you are making?

I have zero emotions in this , yours are off the chart.

 

Try to look at it logically.

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Shes toying with you OP. She wants a platonic friendship on her terms. Where she calls the shots. She decides when you speak etc.

 

I think she was giving you a 2nd chance when she reopened conversation but again you became needy which drove her off.

 

Nothing here for you. Block her and move on.

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I would probably let this go... but its obvious by your words that this is a very sensitive subject. You have deep feelings if attachment to this woman and really seek her acceptance and approval.

 

which is a very dangerous place to be for your mental health. You may be making a lot assumptions and explanations, that fit your narrative to being with this woman. And that may be blinding you to what is really happening with her.

 

Another perspective to consider- quarentine gave her time to think, she's lonely, reflecting and all the things so many of us are doing. Take the text at face value... sorry for how I handle things, let's get a coffee as old friends, some time.

 

You really have no insight into what is happening with her, that other ex bf, or any other motives for that text. Giving her benefit of the doubt, it is to smooth over the past.

 

When exes reach out, its usually pretty straight forward, if the intent is to get back together. That is said, it is followed by actions. Not further radio silence.

 

One thing you can always count on.. if someone likes you and or is interested in you, you will know. If you are confused, then assume they are not.

 

I'm sorry. Its been a few months and just a few texts put you into a tailspin. This should be a signal to you, to tread lightly. Put more effort into yourself and valuing yourself more so that you're not so easily rocked.

 

As it stands now, it seems nothing has really changed. She holds the cards and she knows this. Now is the time to dig in on self care, hanging with your tribe and focus on your own things.... she's a back burner... not your first concern.

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So you have everything to gain and almost zero to lose by meeting her in person when she contacts you once she is back in town.

 

No one can predict what will happen. Is she lonely and looking to you for friendship/companionship only? Maybe-maybe not. Was she testing the waters to see if you are still single and interested? Yes she was but that does not mean she 100% wants to get back together.

 

What did she see from you? That same needy guy that wanted to rush things even though she told you when she got back in town you could meet and talk.

 

Stay NC and get on with your life. Get a few books on this tendency for you to panic and ruin things. If you did truly learn a lot from all this then put it into practice every single day because obviously it didn't stick because as soon as you were faced with a similar situation you went all needy again. You have time to work on yourself before she is due back in town so get on it and work on your self esteem, your confidence and your overall life. Not just for her or the chance you may or may not get with her but for yourself and the next chance you get with a wonderful woman.

 

If she is just interested in friends then do what you did last time which is politely decline because you want to be more than friends and it would not be healthy for either of you.

 

The best thing you did was go NC which is why she contacted you.

 

She may not even know what she wants and is looking to you for the answer....

 

You have a lot of work to do on yourself so get at it!

 

Lost

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Sorry to sound harsh but coronavirus quarantine causes a lot of loneliness and despair, which can then lead to contacting your ex. Out of desperation and lack of options, I might add. I'm speaking from experience because I did it lol

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So there's some good advice in here, but a lot of it comes from assumptions and misinterpretations, and I really don't have the time to explain the entire story in full detail, since there's just too much.

 

As far as my behavior, I was needy before and during the breakup. My actions this time around were not needy. I legit contacted her twice in one month. First to test the waters and see if she wanted to chat a bit before we meet up (because she legit said she would be open for a chat, or meeting up for coffee, so I told her I would like to take her up on both), and second, to ask if she would be around before I got busy with work. I really don't see a single problem with asking that. If that's enough to set her off and lose attraction to me, then good riddance. I'm not perfect, and never claimed to be. I know I've bettered myself during my period of NC. I'm now in pretty amazing shape physically, and I've been working on my mental flaws. My career has been going great as well this year. I've taken pretty good control of my anxiety. If I was still the same as I was pre breakup, then I would've basically texted her enough times for her to tell me to go away (in a much less pleasant way lol).

 

I think some of you need to look deep down into yourselves and think about why you're so bitter when it comes to stuff like this. Some of you give off the vibes of this is a life or death situation, in reality, it's not. I've been through much worse in this life so far (like losing a parent to cancer when I was in my early 20s, so this piddly stuff will not break me). Yes, many have been hurt because of stuff like this, but in life you need to take some big risks if you want some juicy rewards. Part of a good relationship is being able to let your guard down and being available emotionally. I will allow myself to meet up with her and get an idea of what she wants. If it's something I don't want, then things are over for good in my mind. Yes, it's a risk to meet up with her, but I go back to what I said earlier about risk:reward.

 

I will try to keep my mind off of her as much as possible while I wait patiently for her to come back to the area (I haven't contacted her in 2 weeks, and I don't feel the need to anymore). I can focus a lot on work and other things for the next couple of months. I'm going to continue working out, reading, spending time with friends and fam, etc.

 

Regardless, the advice and questions here allowed me to approach this from many angles of thought, so that helped a lot.

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