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Hi everyone. This is my first time posting on here for a few years since my last relationship. I broke up with my previous partner of 2 years after a health issue and him not being supportive, there were also other issues including him being unfaithful and gambling - he had debt collecters chasing him and I decided it was the best thing to leave the relationship so I ended it and blocked him on everything and never spoke with him again. I met my new partner soon after who I have been with for a year and a half and he is very supportive, there have been no financial issues between us and I completley trust him. I do not believe he has ever been unfaithful and has never done anything to make me question the trust between us in terms of the relationship. He works full-time, never asks me for money and used to make me feel secure.

 

However, I have noticed over the course of a year and a half that our arguments are constantly about the same issue. His moodiness. I am not sure why (I have been to therapy regarding this issue as I find it happens in work environments too but I have worked on it a lot) but I tend to take moodiness personally. I realise this in myself and I am honestly working on it and have tried to improve on this personality trait that I have and believe this is working as I no longer struggle with this issue at work. Anyway, despite all of this I continue to struggle adapting and coping with my partners moods.

 

Some days he is the nicest most loving and affectionate person in the world (we live together), he works away sometimes and so do I. Other days, (less often) he can literally go a whole night or day without really having any kind of conversation with me. I have come to write this message now as it seems to be happening more often than not. Some days if I have concerns about things in my life he will sit and speak about them with me like a supportive partner should. Other days, specifically today, he wakes up late and then sits in the living room with me and I am not even joking - he will not even look at me. I try to make conversation and he will respond with one worded answers and be extrmeley blunt with me. I have tried to stop asking ‘is everything ok’ as he tends to ‘attack’ me and tell me that ‘I am not comfortable with silence, I’m taking his silence personally, and I need to get used to being comfortable if there is silence between us’. Now, this doesn’t seem right to me as my last partner was controlling and used to say to me I take things personally - this is the one statement from a partner that makes me uncomfortable. Me asking if everything is ok (as he genuinley seems pissed off and has an angry facial expression) tends to make everything worse, this will then kick off an argument and I will end up apologising later in the day as he makes me feel as though it is my fault and I have made him even more moody than he claims not be origionally. He will get mad and state ‘THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG - YOU ASKING ME IF I WAS OK MADE ME ANGRY AS YOU INSINUATE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG’. So I just try to sit in the silence and accept some days he is moody now. I speak to my mum about it and she says it’s a ‘guy thing’ but it makes me really uncomfortable and I have no idea how to approach it or what to do about it anymore.

 

I just want to be able to sit and have conversations on the weekend or some nights but I can tell even by his facial expression and bluntness that he doesn’t want to even speak to me. When I address this issue he will deny it and say I am over-reacting or over-thinking. The next day he will wake up and be lovley to me but never ever apologises for this behaviour and I get so confused. It’s like I can tell in the first few minutes after he wakes up what his mood will be for the day and I have to just go about my own day and try to ignore it but it does really affect me and I want to cry while I sit here writing this while he continues not to look at me or engage with me. I even timed it on my phone it’s been over 4 hours since he has said a first word to me.

 

I understand someone doesn’t have to speak with me 24/7 or be in a good mood 24/7 but this behaviour is so confusing and makes me feel really strange. He has been diagnosed with depression around 4 years ago and had a suicide attempt once but this is never spoken about and he claims he is fine now despite him still being on antidepressants. Someone please give me some advice. I don’t feel like having the conversation with him achieves everything as I have tried this numerous times yet nothing has changed, is it me? Is it controlling? I am extrmeley confused.

 

Thanks guys

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Do you think maybe those "mood swings" were what attracted you to him -you had to win him over, he kept you on your toes? Also he sounds like a project/potential train wreck like your ex - do you tend to go for projects over individual people -you like the challenge of being their "hero?"

 

We're all allowed to be moody. I'm much moodier now because of the pandemic. As I tell my 11 year old son "you can be [mad/frustrated/sad] but you can't be mean." It's mean to take out moodiness on other people to this extent. Of course we all deserve some slack, some space when we're moody - but there's a point where it's not ok. And the moody person needs to show gratitude for the thoughtfulness of the other person in cutting him slack.

 

I would stop asking him if everything is ok. If he's being distant in a sullen way simply state an observation "I notice that you seem tense/sad [whatever] and if there's anything i can do to help just let me know." If he needs to do something for or with you and he addresses you in a sullen or hostile way -use another I statement "I feel hurt when you stand there with a scowling face [just describe what you perceive, factually if possible] because I don't deserve to be subjected to that attitude". Like that. He has to own it and you have to own your reaction.

 

Walking on eggshells is not healthy. I think it was a bit of a challenge in the beginning though.

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Hey. This is really good advice I really appreciate it. I don’t think he seems like my ex partner as financially he is in order but I do agree with the mood swings. I do not believe I conciously go for projects (people who need work), however maybe this is subconciously something I do and it is a good point. Do you have any idea on what would make me behave like this? Thank you!

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Hey. This is really good advice I really appreciate it. I don’t think he seems like my ex partner as financially he is in order but I do agree with the mood swings. I do not believe I conciously go for projects (people who need work), however maybe this is subconciously something I do and it is a good point. Do you have any idea on what would make me behave like this? Thank you!

 

What would "make you" - nothing. It's your choice as to how to react. You choose. It's not about finances being in order. It's about values - values of honesty and integrity and character. Someone who has a gambling addiction that hurts his loved ones has chosen money over his loved ones. Your boyfriend chooses to react to his bad mood by treating you disrespectfully. Your ex chose himself over you. Your bf does too when he behaves this way.

 

I think it's exciting to be with an unavailable person who is cold/distant - for some people. I used to be that way. It's challenging to win them over. You tell yourself it's "masculine" And on the opposite extreme I hated being around doormats. But there's a happy medium. A person who is reasonably secure and confident so he doesn't behave like a doormat but also thoughtful enough to own his bad moods and not take them out on you. I do many things now every single day to avoid taking out my covid-moodiness on my family. It's hard. I'm not always successful at it - I feel badly about it. But I apologize when I realize- always.

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It sounds like you are crowding each other. Let him manage his own mental health with his doctors. Try not to be compelled to take the temperature of his mental status so much.

 

He does seem withdrawn and moody, but you moved in knowing this

 

Some people are content just being in the same space without conversation.

 

You seem lonely in the relationship. Has your therapist ever suggested seeing a doctor? Focus on yourself in therapy.

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If you aren't enjoying your time with him, why do you date him?

 

I was with a guy for a few years... The first couple, three years, we were happy. Somewhere along the way he was miserable and moody, not putting in effort to do anything fun, didn't appreciate anything. He actually told to not thank another drive in traffic, that let me in. It was like, gosh. This is exhausting. I tried to talk to him about. He was depressed. He was this. He was that. And I wanted to help him, but and this is the important part... He had to want to help himself. His solution was do nothing.

 

At some point, we all have to take responsibility for our own lives. I would do anything to help another person, that is also helping themselves. But my number one concern is me, my life. I would try to talk to him and how I felt. If you have to change him against his own doing, you should break up with him.

 

You can't expect to be successful and happy in life, when you aren't happy in your primary relationship.... You have to say enough is enough, I love you, but I love me more. You're better off alone. At least you can happiness on your own and in time find better.

 

And this guy... He may choose to fix his life... Hope that he does and wish him well.

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You could tell him he might want to try a different type of antidepressant since the one he's on doesn't seem to be working. But it doesn't sound like you two have the comfort level to have that type of conversation, nor that he'd be receptive to it.

 

My husband had the same issue in my first marriage, and it was the cause of its demise. Basically, if you're regularly upset in a relationship, and you need a major change to be happy, it means it's the wrong relationship for you.

 

I was either lonely while he isolated himself, or the victim of his unwarranted anger. In my second marriage, I no longer have to endure this.

 

I'm sure you saw red flags past the honeymoon stage or maybe even during that time that you ignored. Get out now, and hopefully you've learned from your experience so that you won't repeat the same mistakes when choosing a new partner.

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Do you live together? Right now he's just taking up space in your life but not contributing to your happiness. Just like the last guy.

 

Dating wrecks and making them a fixer upper project distracts you from your own issues. No do not suggest he try other meds etc. That is fixing behavior.

 

Instead, focus on your own mental and physical health. Even claiming all your arguments are because of his moods and all your therapy is talking about him is toxic to both of you.

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A lot of guys don't like "talking about it or share their feelings." Enough with the tunnel vision and put yourself in his shoes....You getting on his back about it, is like him trying to make you do something you don't want to do. Now think about that for a minute. If he's moody, leave him alone! and go find something to do, like read a book or go outside for some fresh air, wash the dishes, whatever. Being moody is his way of dealing with whatever is bothering him. If he needs to talk to you he will, you have to let him do it on his own. If he treats you like a complete POS, and throws tantrums, end the relationship. He is not yours to try and fix.

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Other days, specifically today, he wakes up late and then sits in the living room with me and I am not even joking - he will not even look at me. I try to make conversation and he will respond with one worded answers and be extrmeley blunt with me. I have tried to stop asking ‘is everything ok’ as he tends to ‘attack’ me and tell me that ‘I am not comfortable with silence, I’m taking his silence personally

-First of all.. do not take this personally.. I understand that men especially NEED their alone time.. they may be silent but that is because they are trying to process things.. and if you keep at them like this.. it will add to the problem.

Leave him alone to come around ( its a process of 'being in their man cave')

 

A real issue for some is the woman wants to have real convo's with our partners.. men are not like this :/.

Read Men are from mars, women are from Venus.. Explains a lot of our differences.

 

"I just want to be able to sit and have conversations on the weekend or some nights but I can tell even by his facial expression and bluntness that he doesn’t want to even speak to me. When I address this issue he will deny it and say I am over-reacting or over-thinking."

 

Just try to leave him be. Wait for him to come around and reach out to you- but dont make matters worse by prying at him.

 

 

Maybe you are overthinking a lot, yes.. So do your own thing.. dont depend on him for a lot.

Keep with your own life.. hang with friends.. go do things, on your own.

If he had a past re: depression, just be there, should he want to reach out to you about things.. but dont expect it.

He may be more to do that with his buddies.

 

Just be careful.. you dont push him away.

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OP, knowing how to give personal space to your partner is a critical relationship skill. For most people, it's pretty much intuitive. As in if they notice their partner is in a mood, they automatically step aside and leave them alone to sort themselves, aka immediately and automatically give space without even giving it any conscious thought. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, in you it triggers an opposite reaction - anxiety which then leads to nagging and actually getting into your partner's space more than you would normally. Yes, it's going to cause conflict for you in every single relationship and somehow you've got to figure out how to get a grip on that and stop acting like that.

 

Imagine that every time you go use the bathroom, your partner barges in and starts touching you, stroking you, petting you, talking to you...you'd lose your mind, right? You'd also probably end up screaming at him to gtfo if he continued to act like that after being told politely a few times to knock it off. What you are doing is equivalent. So, don't drive a person crazy and then complain about their negative reaction.

 

That said, while absolutely everyone needs their space and you've got to learn how to give that, how much and how often is an issue of simple compatibility. Some people need a lot, some people need very little. When you try to make opposites fit, you'll get conflict and ultimately a break down in the relationship. The person that needs a lot of space will get aggravated and start to feel suffocated while the person who needs little will feel neglected and rejected. Basically, don't be with someone who is too different from you personality wise as you are just setting up yourself a pain and failure.

 

So, if this man's moods and need for space is not working for you, know when to call it a day and walk away. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person, only not the right fit. Remember that the whole point of dating is not to blindly forge forward, but rather to get to know the other person and sort out if their down sides are something you can or cannot live with happily and reasonably easily.

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I completley understand this response. I just dont understand why men need to process ‘things’. What ‘things’. Why doesn’t he discuss things with me? ;’(

Also is it normal for this quiet and alone time to go on for days at a time? I’m so confused as he is still being off with me

 

Thanks x

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What Wiseman said:

 

"People who make you feel bad and people you wish you could fix so they wouldn't make you feel bad."

 

OP, everyone needs to process "things", not just men. It is very recommendable to process stuff as you go along. Alone time is an excellent idea for everyone. Blindly dashing down along the corridors of life, knocking over ornaments, pictures off the walls and even falling over yourself, is not a good idea.

 

As DF said:

 

"When you try to make opposites fit, you'll get conflict and ultimately a break down in the relationship"

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I completley understand this response. I just dont understand why men need to process ‘things’. What ‘things’. Why doesn’t he discuss things with me? ;’(

Also is it normal for this quiet and alone time to go on for days at a time? I’m so confused as he is still being off with me

 

Thanks x

 

Your point of view is incredibly selfish and self centered. Nobody is obligated to discuss their thoughts with you, men or women. You are not entitled to other people's thoughts. You need to wrap your head around the idea that the world doesn't actually revolve around you and that means that people's moods, processing things not only isn't about you, but has nothing to do with you and is none of your business.

 

If he has depression, then yes his "moods" can go for days and his need for alone time can be extensive. If that doesn't work you, then have the basic common sense not to get involved with someone who is introverted, has depression, is highly independent, or any other type of personality that needs a lot of personal space. These people are your opposites and your attempts to be in a relationship with them will lead to nothing but conflict and ultimately break up.

 

At the end of the day you need to ask yourself this - is this working for you? If the answer is no, move on.

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Quiet reflection, people need that. No one likes being under anyone's psychology microscope and over-confiding in someone. That may be more about your need to fix him. Which is implying he's broken, has problems and "needs" to tell you about them so you can fix what's broken in him.

 

It's kind of insulting to be treated like a patient, specimen or project rather than a person... He has a right to his own private thoughts.

 

However you feel shut out in the relationship for some reason. Why not stop focusing on his moods, feelings etc.? Do fun things together, lighten up. Enjoy quiet time together without constant chatter, especially chatter about his mental status.

I just dont understand why men need to process ‘things’. What ‘things’. Why doesn’t he discuss things with me? ;’(

Also is it normal for this quiet and alone time to go on for days at a time? I’m so confused as he is still being off with me

 

Thanks x

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There are times when I just need to be quiet. These are times when I don't answer my phone. That's got zero to do with the caller and everything to do with the timing and my focus on other things. So when BF needs quiet, it's his time for not answering your call. If you were not living together, wouldn't you just go do something else?

 

Do you have enough interests and family or friends to go and do your own thing? This would allow BF the time to shift into being more social at his own pace. This will give you valuable information: if left to his own devices, will he bounce back at some point? Or, will he drill himself deeper into moodiness?

 

This is the stuff you can't learn if you're too quick to compound the problem rather than let it work itself into an outcome NOT influenced by you.

 

Nobody is telling you that you're all wrong and he's all right. We're just encouraging you to stop disrupting outcomes so that you can learn what you really need to know: what happens when you just leave him alone?

 

Without that answer, you can't learn whether he'll work 'through' his moods and normalize back into a great guy, or will he become an eggshell walk for you to live 'around,' in which case, you'll be able to decide whether you're better off living on your own.

 

Hang in there, and focus on patience to get the 'right' long-range information instead of provoking him and cutting yourself off from that answer. You will thank yourself later.

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Thank you for this answer I really appreciate it and I will try it a lot more and see what happens. I tried it today and it worked he came

back around on his own! Thank you so much!!!

 

That's wonderful news. I hope you'll keep us up to date.

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