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a breakup but maybe not forever?


Salome

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Hey guys,

I am new here and really hope to find some advice or consolation. My situation might just not be what you may expect:

I am quite nervous actually. My partner and i met shortly after my last breakup and during his amicable breakup after a 12 year relationship. It was very amazing and we formed that very beautiful, peaceful, caring connection but at the same time it showed that we were not emotionally ready to open up and so often driven by fear. When it comes to attachement theory he would be fearful avoidant and i on the other hand (surprise) anxious(though i worked hard on that and it only shows when i am in a very stressfull period). After 8 months we started to drown in pointless fights (a very stressfull month during which we both had to to deal with extremely emotional devastating situations like death, losing jobs etc) and after 9 months he called it quits. He said he felt emotionally tired he didn't feel open for a connection between us.

He was certain there was no other way but to break up with me and at the same time he was devastated because we both shared an amazing bond (in the past he expressed that he never felt such a connection and intimacy with anyone before). Well... i suggested instead of just breaking up there was a different possibility. I suggested we should take a break of three months, meet again on the day of our first date. Then, after calming down and taking care of our emotional business, we could start again. A reset so to call. He liked the idea. At first i suggested 6 months but he was scared over a period that long we might lose sight of each other so i reduced it to 3 months.

When he asked if we could stay in touch i told him that i think it would be best not to, that i feared we might get used to being platonic and that i want us both to focus on ourselfs to be ready for each other when we meet again. He agreed and made clear he doesn't want to take the chance of us losing the spark over that. Which surprised me cause before he asked if we could try to be friends in the future to make sure we wouldn't lose each other completely. Anyway after that we were ready to finally cut the ties with staying in touch only over our agreed date, the music we can share on spotify and that's that. We shared an intense hug and said goodbye. Our breakup was complete...

Also i should mention that our relationship was rough because he was leaving a polyamorous situation with his ex to enter an exclusive with me. We both put a lot of pressure onto ourselfs to decide quickly if we want to have a commited relationship instead of just enjoying our very comitted company and let things just naturally flow. As i said: we were both emotionally not ready for someone new. That's why i had the idea to strip off all the pressure by trying that reset.

 

I really do like him and i hope this reset will help us get back together but at the same time i am scared that these 3 months without direct contact are too much and he will just ... well... lose his feelings for me.

 

Any thoughts...?

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Sorry to hear this. Is he back with his polyamory partner(s)? It sounds like he does b not want to be exclusive with anyone and his offer of friendship down the road is to string you along to keep you in the loop of his polyamorous leanings.

 

If you want an exclusive relationship, he is not someone to date or be friends with. Take this time to stay no contact and reflect on what's right for you.

My partner and i met shortly after my last breakup and during his amicable breakup after a 12 year relationship. our relationship was rough because he was leaving a polyamorous situation with his ex to enter an exclusive with me.

 

He was certain there was no other way but to break up with me and at the same time he was devastated because we both shared an amazing bond

 

Which surprised me cause before he asked if we could try to be friends in the future to make sure we wouldn't lose each other completely.

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Any time someone suggests breaking up as a solution to problems, listen carefully. In long term relationships, this shouldn't be a go-to solution.

 

I think you should have let him go when he said that he felt emotionally drained and wanted to break up. I'm sorry you're going through this but I also think you've made the situation worse for yourself. What you've done is you've essentially broken up and given him what he wanted but you've drawn a box around yourself, possibly stopping you from moving on too. The concept of reconnecting with him in three months is now something you hope for and I think you've sabotaged your health and your healing moving forward by doing that.

 

What you can do going forward now:

 

Let go of any expectations and eliminate that box holding you back in.

 

Don't keep in touch with this person. He doesn't sound very self-aware and appears overwhelmed. Your gut feelings are correct on that - don't let him use you as a crutch.

 

Give yourself time to feel sad, upset, annoyed, PO'd, whatever you need to feel - the whole range. Let time help you come to your own conclusions but think very carefully about whether this person can be trusted again.

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Thank you very much for your thoughts. That is actually exactly my goal. I will try to cut loose completely. I signed up for a ballet class (something wanted to do for the past two years), i started to reconnect with old friends to widen my social contacts, i plan to learn a new language... I want to make myself the center of my existence.

At the same time i am extremely sad about the idea ist might have been too early for the both of us to meet. And i got the idea he felt the same way. That's why i suggested we should not give up completely. i meant to give him what he wanted because i knew i couldn't change his mind. I do believe in absolute freedom in a relationship. Everything should happen out of free will. So if he doesn't want to be with me i can't help it. But i think we just got into this muddled situation because we both weren't done with processing our past experiences. So thats's why i wanted to create us an opportunity.

 

Maybe he just isn't the guy to be in a relationship with. So in order to prevent myself from pain i will try to get over him and meet up with him completely open to any outcome. My ideal is to reach positive indifference.

 

Though i am not there yet since we broke up yesterday :D

Right now i am filled with the fear that i might have made a mistake by telling him to not have contact since he really wanted to connect and wanted to talk to me about so many things yesterday. Yet i believe we need the space to give us the chance to start off of a emotionally balanced base. I am really pretty much a nervous wreck at the moment and filled with ridiculous questions:

did i make a mistake?

will i hurt myself?

should i have agreed to staying in touch via texting?

is the time frame too long?

is it too short?

Iam not in control of the situation yet my mind tries to analyze and prevent mistakes. i am an idiot.

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You're not an idiot. You're hurt by a confused person and confusion is contagious. Just take a deep breath and take a step back from the situation if you're feeling overwhelmed also.

 

Don't worry about what you said or time frames anymore. What's done is done. What's important is that you start taking care of yourself and stop thinking of yourself in a relationship. It's over. Let this person go. If he wanted to talk with you he shouldn't have suggested breaking up with you. Don't pity him and don't be his crutch. Give yourself time to breathe. If he's not respecting that ask for more respect and privacy.

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IMO, you cant lose what you never had.

You BOTH experienced losses.. break ups- and his was from a long term relation- therefore, he was not 'able' to give to you at an emotional level. Still being caught up in his recent BU.

 

I agree, you two moved into this way too soon. And i say it was more a 'rebound', those more often than not, end as fast as they start. It is hard, yes .

 

One must learn from this.. the experience in itself of a rebound.

 

Good on you to agree to NOTHING so he can get himself together - hopefully? Before considering being involved again.

 

Will he come back? hard to say.. he may feel he really is not ready yet. do not pressure him. that can push him away...again.

 

We cannot make someone love us.. but we do expect them to be present emotionally - as there is so much expected for a successful relation. If you dont have all that- often wont last :(.

 

Tread carefully and try NOT to get emotionally invested in this.. think of your own mentality.

 

Carry on as you are.. work on yourself! ( be cautious) No guarantees here.

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