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Need advice.. going crazy after this breakup


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Hi everyone,

 

Sorry in advance for how much information this is.

 

Recently 6 days ago my ex & I broke up. He ended things. We dated for almost 3 years. The day we met felt fated as if we knew eachother before and were meant to meet. The first year of our relationship was hard as he fell into a deep depression losing his job phone friends and more. I stayed with him and helped him gain it all back. But we spent lots of time fighting during that time, our relationship didn’t really evolve until a year and a half in.

 

Past year was so much healthier because we were both good now and genuinely loved and cared for eachother so much (even in the beginning we did too tho). I was so happy, He’s my best friend. However once Covid19 started this year, we began to both feel depressed and antsy and our bad habits were returning. However it was more so me. He’s been very lucky during quarantine. But We both triggered past insecurities in eachother and I admit I did not handle it well at all. I lashed out a lot and tried to be controlling and pressuring him to do this and that, because I felt unstable. He had met these new friends and suddenly started flaking on me so much to be with them and party. He was putting in 0 effort and I felt no love from his these months and was gaslighting me as well. I feel as though there may be someone else even though he says there isn’t. But I’m very confident he at least must be wanting to flirt around at all these parties/hangouts he’s been going to with his new friends. So it seems he was falling out of love because of my harshness/negativity these past months, his desire to go out and party more/influence from his new friends, lack of desire to get his life together for some reason even.he is very hard on himself though and I feel like he also doesn’t think he’s good enough. On the phone the day before we broke up he said to me “what is there to even be proud of me for?” But I wish he would believe in himself. It’s been 3 years and he hasn’t gotten a car yet but has more than enough saved, I was trying to help him get one so he can move onto a better job and everything else. I’ve only ever wanted what was best for him. I was being harsh out of love... but I wish I did it differently. However he is bad at communicating and is very sensitive and withdraws a lot. So these past few months we went to opposite ends to cope: I became more controlling and harsh and negative about everything, he was trying to avoid his feelings And responsibilities by going out with friends to have fun and drinking a lot and spending too much money. But I did not even realize he was slipping away from me until it was too late.

 

The day before he broke up with me he was talking about how there’s just some things we need to work on. Then the day of, he messaged me saying he didn’t want to lose me and he loves me but it doesn’t mean people can’t move on. Dreadfully, I went to his house later and he broke up with me. But he acted fine at first, he offered to order food and cuddle and watch tv. But I could tell something was off and he was sad. Finally we both started crying and I asked him to tell me what’s wrong and he said he’s falling out of love and wants to be single and do his own thing. He said he doesn’t really want to be in a commitment anymore and that he’s confused and needs time and hasn’t been himself. I was shocked, I even found out he’s been feeling this way for at least a month or more. I feel like my whole relationship has been a lie.

 

Immediately after I left, he texts me 3 hours later saying he doesn’t know if he’s making a mistake or what he’s doing and that he feels heartbroken and wants to see me again when we return our things. He also said he wanted to clarify that there’s absolutely no one else and that our love was real and that he just hasn’t been himself. I ignored him and he messaged me again 4 times and the next day called twice and messaged again saying he wishes I’d tell him how I was doing. Once I replied he said don’t ignore me, I just wanted to see how you were doing. Then the next day at 1AM he messaged me saying he’s been thinking about me trying to fall asleep and it’s hard not thinking about me, and to have a good week. I messaged him the next day saying he truly has hurt me and can’t continue to message me like this, because it was his decision and I need space and more time before returning his stuff. He apologized and said we can deff have more time. Since then, we still follow eachother on socials and he watches mine, his mom has told me he’s been in his room a lot sad and won’t talk to her, and I can tell he’s trying to get me to miss him and think about him because he’s been on twitter and snapchat so much, when he never really use to post snaps at all. I then broke the silence yesterday because I had to call him about something important regarding a friend of ours. To my surprise he called me back and was extremely nice over the phone.He called me babe... and I said why’d you call me that and he said sorry I didnt even realize. He even began to ask about my day and stuff but I told him we should probly hang up now. I told him I’m not ready to see him and that I can just leave his stuff at the door instead. He said he can wait... which makes me feel like he’s using the excuse of exchanging stuff to see me again. Now we finally have had 2 days not talking to eachother, and it’s agony. It’s confusing because he ended things yet he’s been acting like the victim. I’ve realized so many things and how we weren’t communicating well these months and I think this break up was necessary in order to wake me up. But unfortunately he has apparently lost his love and I’m not sure if he’ll ever take me back, but I know in my heart I need to be with him. I feel like part of my life is missing. I’m thinking of giving in 2-3 weeks before I reach out to exchange stuff. But in the meantime, based on what I said, do you think he really was unsure about us and just needed time? Does it seem like he may take me back? I can’t tell if he’s just being nice or not... because I know he still cares about me. But I can’t help but feel so depressed that I did so much for him and helped him so much in life and loved him so hard- and he chose to leave me when I was the one struggling more, to go have fun with his new friends.. I want to show him I understand my mistakes and that we BOTH hurt eachother (He hurt me way more tho) and I wish we could get back together and move forward and forget the past. We truly have given eachother so much and had so many good times and I had thought we could get through anything... is it even possible for me to try to get his love back?

 

Thanks for reading.

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Reading this sounds so familiar in some ways to my relationship this past year. I feel for you. This isn't easy. I think you are right in that you need time to process everything. The break up is so fresh. I think you're doing the right thing by telling him not to be talking to you like that or continuing the conversation especially since you know he broke it off and that it's felt so one sided.

 

Right now you two are both hurting and even though he ended it doesn't mean that he doesn't care but he doesn't get to just end things and then come back like it's alright to be friends or even to get back together. If he wanted to work things out he wouldn't have ended things and would've said that he really wanted to work on things and ways to improve the relationship. You deserve someone that's going to put in the effort to work WITH you when you need each other most not just when they need you.

 

If you need more time, you need more time. Give yourself time to weigh out your emotions versus logic. I'd also be cautious if you end up reconsidering and getting back together. Make sure it's sincere and that it's not just because he's lonely or something. You two were together 3 years so there's going to be lingering feelings and comfort with each other because of it so be aware that. You shouldn't get back with him if he isn't showing you in his actions that he is putting in real effort and if you want commitment in you relationship. I think if he hasn't been showing that for a year and a half it's hard to believe that's going to change unfortunately.

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I think he is being honest that he just doesn't feel the same way anymore, but he isn't sure if the single life is going to be great so he's keeping you warm just in case.

 

But honestly, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. It sounds more like a parent-child dynamic with you doing a lot of the heavy lifting to make him get his act together. And then he started pulling away from you, and you reacted from a place of fear by trying to become more controlling. As you can see, that attempt to control another person doesn't work. What you need to keep in mind, though, is that he probably would have continued to keep his distance even if you hadn't tried to control him. He was losing interest whether or not you tried to stop it from happening. You may also be right that he's met someone else (despite what he says) and that could be a factor here. His behaviour isn't unusual for a person who's test-driving someone else.

 

I agree that you need your space and he needs to respect it and stop messaging you. I would not meet up with him in person; that will be too painful for you. Arrange to have your belongings dropped off or picked up in such a way that you don't need to be there. Based on what you have written, this a relationship that is probably better left in your past. It sounds like you've been unhappy with him for a while, and even though the break-up hurts, you'll eventually realize you're best to go your separate ways.

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I had a break up similar to this and we kept going back and forth and speaking a lot after a break up. You need to arrange for someone non-mutual between you both to exchange your clothes and items back to each other or you both will get sucked back in as he sounds unsure of his decision to leave you. He will therefore toy with you to make sure you don’t move on in this time until he moves on and finds someone else to feel secure. He will then drop you and you will be even more upset. You need to block him, and never speak again if he’s left you.

 

I know it’s hard but I have recovered best from break ups when I break up with people and then block them on everything. You should not be following people on social media! Trust me, rip off the bandade, it’s for the best

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Break ups are hard on both people, even when its the right thing to do. Probably harder...

 

sometimes you find someone, you click great, you overcome things, are there for each other and then something in the dynamic changes. You stop growing together or sharing like you used to.. it is hard to let go. but the reality of life is not all relationships last. that goes for romances, friendships, employment, family.

 

Its painful at times. But the thing is, you have to learn to let go and move on. When you break up with someone, you don't talk anymore. You consciously avoid each other. This is how you heal and adapt to changes.

 

Stop communicating. Communication is for people that are working through a problem within the confines of the relationship. Not for people who are broken up.

 

Do not live in limbo. he broke up, he needs to go away. if he contacts you tell him to stop. If you are contacting him, stop.

 

I'm sorry. [emoji173]

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