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Hky2020

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Met ex randomly a little over 1.5 years ago. I had just gotten over a narc ex she was 1.5 mo out of an engagement where here fiancé cheated and she left and never looked back. I wasn’t sure if I was a rebound at that point and didn’t care tbh. We hit it off right away. Dated for a few months bf/gf after 4 months and I love you shortly after.

 

Things were great for a little over a year and prolly at its peak around 10-11 mo. We didn’t talk a ton about the future because I’m kind of an emotionally closed off guy but we spent all our time together made memories and loved each other.

 

Last few months we had been fighting more and there was a sense of not being satisfied with relationship from both. Main issue was my lack of traditional career/we weren’t doing much, and she wasn’t sure if I could provide for her in the long run. One night after an argument before bed she told me she loved me and we could do this for years but wasn’t sure she saw a future. At the time I was very resentful of her and it was actually the first time

In our relationship. I walked out after she said that and never expressed my intent for us.

 

2 weeks went by and we didn’t talk and I saw her on a date with a coworker. I told her the next day that I made a mistake and wanted to take the steps to have a future with her but she didn’t believe me.

 

I’m now 1.5 nc and she is with new guy. He is exact opposite of me. I was she says she loves him. I have made significant improvements to my life and personal growth, but I doubt she knows, and at this point seems like she has no interest in knowing.

 

I really love her and trying not to be selfish. The last few talks we had were calm and very complimentary of each other. In the end she said I wasn’t the one. She blocked me after. I respected that and haven’t tried to see or contact her. Just looking for thoughts on anyone else’s experience. Having trouble cutting hope out of my mind and moving on.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you think she precipitated the fight because she was seeing this coworker?

In our relationship. I walked out after she said that and never expressed my intent for us.

 

2 weeks went by and we didn’t talk and I saw her on a date with a coworker.

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She's clear with you. This is a no-go. The sooner you realize it's over, the better for you. It doesn't sound like either of you fully appreciated each other.

 

Whether she's in a relationship now or not with someone else is none of your business. Don't compare yourself to this other man. It demeans you and her overshare about the new man is not classy. It may hurt but back away slowly and start paying more attention to your own life and your own future. You're self-sabotaging and I think you can do better too. There are other women out there.

 

Take a time out and spend some time alone, get back on your feet.

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We all have those moments. Skim over them if you can, acknowledge that the curiosity is there and the pain is real. It'll break you more some days than other days but keep your eyes way over in the horizon. There's a lot more to life than living in regret. You'll have to find that conviction and desire to see more on your own but I think that comes with time.

 

Give yourself more time.

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I think it's very possible that this relationship was a bit of a rebound situation for both of you. Also, fighting the last 2-3 months at or after the 10-11 month mark is pretty much a relationship that is dying a natural death. Whether she was picking the arguments or you were or both of you were, bottom line is that things weren't really clicking and it wasn't meant to be.

 

I also think that you should be careful about taking her comments to heart. It's easy and rational to point to career or other objective things as "reasons" for being unhappy, but in reality, if she was really all that in love and felt you were the right guy for her in other respects, career and finances can be worked on, goals can be worked on. I think what she told you was more of a convenient and rational sounding excuse than the real reason. The real reason was simply a much more nebulous, hard to explain factor of you just weren't right for each other and it's the sort of emotional stuff that's really hard to explain because it isn't rational. The feeling just isn't there. In short, please don't beat yourself up because you can't fix that.

 

Best that you take your better and improved self and seek out a woman who loves you exactly as you are. Just stay away from the "I just broke up" crowd. Look for someone who is already stable and in a healthy place mentally and emotionally to give her all to a relationship with you. Of course that means you have to offer the same - so let go of the past, heal, reach a healthy place yourself for the next relationship. Don't pine for a rebound ex.

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Well no offense but if after 1.5 years together you never spoke about the future or gave off the impression that you want something serious, it makes sense why she ended it. If you don't have a career it's not the end of the world (as long as you have a job). But unfortunately some women do care about that. It's not so much a gold digger mentality as it's wondering whether financially you can provide if you settled down.

 

I'm 35 and I do want to settle down and have kids. So if someone looked like they were in limbo after 1.5 years, I probably would leave too. But keep in mind maybe you did nothing wrong but you're just not what she's looking for.

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It was definitely my career/direction in life. This isn’t new information to me, as it has effected relationships in the past. A wedge formed between us and I didn’t know how to address it. I’ve since moved on from it after 17 years but I know it’s too late to reconcile.

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It was definitely my career/direction in life. This isn’t new information to me, as it has effected relationships in the past. A wedge formed between us and I didn’t know how to address it. I’ve since moved on from it after 17 years but I know it’s too late to reconcile.

 

What kind of career did you have that you believe is such a barrier to relationships?

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IMO it wouldn't have made any difference if you did talk about a future or not. Sometimes relationships just run their course. So there is proof of that with her dating someone who is the complete opposite or you. She's being pretty honest saying you were not the one.

 

it's great that you have focused on self improvement...ready and better prepared for the next relationship with someone else. You live, learn, grow and go forward.

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@catfeeder. I’d rather not go into specifics but it had me on the road for weeks at a time. Relationship was still good then but it was not a grt for a future. When covid happened I moved in with her for a few weeks she kept working in public and I transitioned work to computer (it was taking a lot of my time) things started going south then. We weren’t doing anything she would get home tired and I would go to bed after. Little fights started happening and sex fell off. I didn’t have the tools to address the problems. In the end she didn’t think I would change and made a business like decision.

 

I’m not sure how she feels about me anymore since we don’t talk and I’ve accepted the breakup as far as perusing or mending. I don’t know if the new relationship will last but I don’t really believe at this point she will reach out again.

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@smacki9. I don’t really feel like the relationship was supposed to end there and at the time I don’t think she did either. But the weeks apart after break gave her clarity on where it was going and she stuck to her guns. She was hurt after and multiple times asked me why I didn’t want to talk about it that night or shortly after. Honestly I was keeping myself so distracted immediately following the breakup I never actually felt the loss. It’s fair that she thinks I was just jealous and pride hurt, but I’ve done a lot of work and realize the mistakes I’ve made.

 

Not sure things can ever return down the road as her view of me in the end was not that of a future husband. I’m trying to be happy for her that she found someone that she clicks with but with the speed that it happened I think she just buried the emotions and put most of the blame on me tbh

 

we were both tired in the end and both didn’t do enough to connect and work things out. I wasn’t ready to leave my career path for anyone over the last 17 years and this breakup has made me change what I want. It will make me a better man and partner down the road tho. Wish I woulda had more time to reflect and reconnect but we don’t always get that I guess.

 

I know people say “it would be different this time” but I actually believe in our case it would have. Learning how to be a better partner along with changes I’ve made. She just can’t take that risk and she has made a clear choice. Hope I see her down the road.

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Well keep in mind that if you're talking about settling down and you couldn't live together, obviously it's not going to work. I think you can't really say "It didn't work out because of covid". Covid was a test to see whether your relationship can withstand living together and being in difficult situations. Your ex wanted to settle down and that involves actually living together and going through life together. Anything can happen in life at anytime. Going through covid would have been what would have happened if you did live together, were married, etc. You didn't gel living together and going through this situation. Serious relationships need good team work and problem solving skills, which the two of you didn't have. Together I mean. Again maybe you did nothing wrong in and of itself, but she wasn't in love with you and didn't see a future. But keep in mind that women that want to settle down don't want a partner who is on the road for many weeks at a time. I personally wouldn't. You don't have to change your career if you don't want to, it's your life. But sometimes we need to think of the impact our behaviours or situations have on things we want. Such as having meaningful relationships.

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It was time to move on from that pursuit tbh. Will be much happier without it. Also she said she still loved me and could spend years more with me but didn’t see a future. Assume after the fact that was her attempt to address concerns about relationship and what I thought, but I left like an idiot. Do women ever just make a business decision in a spot like that if they have lost faith in you? Couldn’t she have still loved me and walked away? Do they ever change their mind after time apart and problems fixed?

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