Jump to content

My boyfriend can't decide if I am attractive or not


Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. He's a person without a filter on what he says. He says some nice things, but it is the very negative things that stick in my mind. I am wondering if I am giving him too hard of a time.

 

It ranges what he says from 'not being his usual type' to not being as attractive as my friends. I have wanted breast enlargement in the past (I don't now and have not mentioned it in a while) but he does say he'll pay for it, unprompted. The last time that happened I just left the situation. Things have been said like I look like a slug, I really am quite fat (not that I care but it's sad he calls me up on it), I wear too much make-up.

 

But he also says things like I really am very beautiful/I'm very pretty. I've got great hair, eyes, he likes my clothes.

 

It's just got the point I am wondering if I can take anything nice he says seriously when he has said such negative things in the past. I am just very confused about it. If I ask, he says he loves my body, but then he can say in the next breath that I am eating too much. What do you think?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course he has a filter. He just chooses to make rude and offensive comments to you. Why do you lack a backbone and why do you tolerate this kind of treatment?

 

Do you ask him for advice on your weight or looks? Is he a medical doctor or nutritionist?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Your relationship seems full of problems:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565420

 

Do you stay with him because you don't want to be single? Why DO you stay with him? Other than the standard "But I LOVE him!" or "We have so much in common."

 

 

Guilty. Not really because I don't want to be single, more because there's some great highs. I owe him a lot too. Feels a bit bad to just leave it

Link to post
Share on other sites

Grimes.

 

Why are you still with this individual?

He sounds like he is 15!

 

"It ranges what he says from 'not being his usual type' to not being as attractive as my friends."

 

 

You don't owe him anything OP. But you do owe yourself a lot. This body image issue. Do you fear no one else would take up with you because you are "fat".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do you tolerate this? Serious question.

 

I would never insult or criticize another human's looks. Let alone someone I care for. Who the heck is this guy to judge? Yes. Physical attraction is important and usually caused people to get together. But that's where it ends. It's no one's place to judge of degrade you. If they do, they are a rude jerk that deserves to be dumped!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guilty. Not really because I don't want to be single, more because there's some great highs. I owe him a lot too. Feels a bit bad to just leave it

 

What exactly would you be "leaving"? Someone who says he wants to live with you and then abruptly changes his mind, leaving you hanging? Someone who insults your physical appearance?

 

How much money do you owe him? Can you set up a repayment plan?

 

And you can be with someone who gives you the "highs" without insulting you or deceiving you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grimes.

 

Why are you still with this individual?

He sounds like he is 15!

 

"It ranges what he says from 'not being his usual type' to not being as attractive as my friends."

 

 

You don't owe him anything OP. But you do owe yourself a lot. This body image issue. Do you fear no one else would take up with you because you are "fat".

 

 

I know, it's not a great reflection on me.

 

The self-esteem thing is difficult and long standing, I don't fear others won't take up with me because how I look. Others have told me I am the more attractive of the pair, not that it matters to me. It's more I don't like my personality or achievements, which is maybe why I put up with it

Link to post
Share on other sites
What exactly would you be "leaving"? Someone who says he wants to live with you and then abruptly changes his mind, leaving you hanging? Someone who insults your physical appearance?

 

How much money do you owe him? Can you set up a repayment plan?

 

And you can be with someone who gives you the "highs" without insulting you or deceiving you.

 

 

It's more I have stuggled quite a bit in the past. I don't really have family because of abuse. It feels a bit daunting to start again and let another person know all that. Or that they'd want to stay after with my personality etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How is putting up with an abusive jerk who tears you down constantly going to help you move on, gain confidence, achieve what you want in life and otherwise feel safe? You are with him only because that's what's familiar to you. Unfortunately, all that does is hold you down.

 

How about instead of worrying about starting over with someone else, you decide to be single and take care of yourself. Set some goals and reach them - solo. Don't like your personality? Work and change what you don't like so that you do start to like yourself. Give yourself the freedom to set yourself straight and accomplish what you want. When you do that, you'll find that you'll attract completely different people to you - happy, sane, nice, kind, people who support and encourage you rather than tear you down.

 

Go grab life by the horns and you'll find that you longer have time or patience for jerks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's more I have stuggled quite a bit in the past. I don't really have family because of abuse. It feels a bit daunting to start again and let another person know all that. Or that they'd want to stay after with my personality etc.

 

And you think staying with someone who treats you the way he does will make things better?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So let's say you have a daughter one day. And he tells her, "you're not pretty like your friends." But then the next day says, "you're so beautiful, but you shouldn't eat so much." I would hope you would say, ". You're not one to judge!"

 

OP, what makes you think this guy's poop sells like roses? It doesn't. I once dated a guy (I stress once) who said I wasn't beautiful. Whatever! That's on him. A secure, confident guy can see beauty in all. Your guy is a chump.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No, you're not giving him a hard time. Your boyfriend is unkind and heartless. He lacks empathy. He gives you backhanded compliments. He'll pay for your breast enlargement. What a guy! :upset:

 

What do I think? It's time to replace him with a new boyfriend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I confronted him on what I listed here and he was very apologetic. He says he doesn't know why he says these things. He says he loves me, what I look like and that he doesn't remember saying most of these things. Not sure if that changes much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He has decided. Either he doesn't find you attractive and stays around for his own reasons, or he does but he buys into this bull spit about women like a man to treat them like crap. I'm not your Dad, but if you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run, not walk away from this jerk.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You should really point out anytime he says something that hurts you or even rubs you the wrong way, even if days later when it sinks in, and say, "what??! Excuse me??!!!" If he doesn't even realize he's being a dumbarse, then he needs some training. Don't give him anymore slack when he says dumb stuff to you. You deserve respect and adoration. Not BS! Stop swallowing your bad feelings. Be upfront!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately now you have entered the 'contrite/apologetic' cycle of the 'cycle of abuse' (

I confronted him on what I listed here and he was very apologetic. He says he doesn't know why he says these things. He says he loves me, what I look like and that he doesn't remember saying most of these things.
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Grimes,

 

I was in a toxic relationship with a guy who wouldn’t sleep with me because of my weight! He said what your guy said “Nice face, eyes and hair and liked the way I dressed.” I called him out on it and it was the same old “ I’m sorry, I like you just lose twenty pounds and I may reconsider.” I dumped him and now I’m in a healthy relationship for a year and a half with someone who doesn’t make disparaging remarks!

 

If you’re worried about this guy being the only guy that gets you, you’re wrong. There are plenty of sweet guys out there who take you and treasure you for all you have to offer.

 

This guy needs to go!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, there are people that are like that. Have zero filter or just say whats on their mind or they have no idea what their words do to another person. I don't think he is being purposely mean or controlling or anything like that. Its just who he is and he is not going to change. He will probably have a temporary adjustment but eventually he will go back to who he is.

 

So the question is. Are you okay with it? Can you live with someone like that? If you are okay with it, then you accept that's how he is and don't try to change him because it wont work. You can probably remind him from time to time that his words hurt, but just goes back to my question of would you be okay with it?

 

You could love him and he could love you. But just by mentioning it on here then its obvious that it does bother you. You could try couples counseling but in the end he is who he is. Its going to take a seismic shift in his life to change or he just goes about his business.

 

In the end, its up to you. If you cant live with it, then you let him go and you will find someone else. If you can live with it and are happy then Im happy for you. Choice is yours.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to stop asking for approval directly and indirectly? He'll pay for implants? What a prince. This is the same guy who stiffed you on the lease thing. he does not have your best interests at heart. He's immature.

I have wanted breast enlargement in the past I don't now and have not mentioned it in a while but he does say he'll pay for it

 

Things have been said like I look like a slug, I really am quite fat

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
You need to stop asking for approval directly and indirectly? He'll pay for implants? What a prince. This is the same guy who stiffed you on the lease thing. he does not have your best interests at heart. He's immature.

 

Sorry to bump an old thread but if anyone is worried it's over now. I'm pretty broken up over it. Hopefully time will show it's positive. Just sucks pretty hard right now

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry to bump an old thread but if anyone is worried it's over now. I'm pretty broken up over it. Hopefully time will show it's positive. Just sucks pretty hard right now

 

I’m happy you ended it! I’m sorry you’re hurting though. Just know you did the right thing and it leaves you open to the good guys out there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...